How to handle?

So we are doing the whole reopening thing … great 🤨

Guess who I heard from… my cop guy 😮 totally forgot all about that whole situation 😳😮

Why do I feel like I’m gonna throw up??

Yeah I don’t know how I feel about this?? I have some issues here. Big ones … huge… huge issues.

Ok where is my mind? Let me think – I can’t see this straight – I feel pressure here? Could be just me? Cause I’m weird like that??

He starts off with just a simple hello … “hey trouble, hope all is well”

I waited on that for awhile, I didn’t respond all day, cause I just couldn’t deal. Oh my god! The minute I answer I knew what be coming … I was not sure how I wanted to handle? I still am not sure. It makes me very uneasy ??

Literally as soon as we start reopening he is ready to take me out 😮😳

So… I don’t think I can handle him? Oh boy, yeah I don’t think so???

Ok let’s look at this level headed for a minute…

Ok… I’ve known him for a long time, which has pluses and minuses – I kinda know how he is?? I know for SURE he is not just plain vanilla 😳 not that I have a problem with that – however to go there with anyone whew – yeah that’s gonna take time … I don’t think he has the patience, and I can’t otherwise. I need to be at ease

He IS funny… he matches me completely in humor, so I like that. He is fun to be around, we have really hilarious banter

He is also younger than me! Like 5 years 🤨 not that there is anything wrong with that either – I just don’t like being the old one lol – is not a big deal I’m just saying. Cause I don’t know??

He is all suave … like Rico Suave Lol

www.youtube.com/watch

Ok I made myself laugh with that one lol … but he is really smooth with his words. That makes me uneasy…

I kinda feel like I am easy to “read” in person – he knows me… and he is a police officer… they are trained in handling situations so I know this … I am just watching his words and actions. I am guarded with how he does.

I don’t think I can handle him?

He is sly, and fast… almost like he doesn’t want me to think… don’t think about it just jump…

He is a police officer… so he also lives fast too?? Cause you know that’s a tough job … you don’t have the luxury of not being fast with that type of job – I get it… I understand partially

I can’t do that. He gives good argument for it though, he says… don’t overthink, let’s just have fun

Ok see my thing with that is – I know his track record.

I know he likes beautiful women, I know how he is…

He did try to ask me out once before … before all my stuff happened, right after I left my ex. I said no. Was way too soon, I definitely was not ready

Now he’s ruthless just wanting me to give him a chance? A chance for what?? What’s the fricken intention, cause I don’t trust that… could be me? But I’m thinking it’s the boobs 🤨

Trust your vibes right? I look at the big picture and I just think he’s like all the others … that’s why I stay away.

I don’t think I can handle him, and I don’t think he can handle me?? I’m not his type other than being a beautiful woman 🤨 … I also don’t want to be any kind of challenge either!!

I responded earlier, luckily he working until midnight so he’s busy… just said hello very simple – just that.

He responded right away 🤨… says things like miss your face, can’t wait to see you, blah blah, blah… and it all rushed back to me 😑

Ya know… guys use the same lines on women all the time… the same exact ones – like they all went to the same school on how to pick up women 🤨 or there is some sort of bro code with that?

And the ones that are really good at it… know their target 🤨

I would want to say… “I’m not ready” and for the most part I don’t know?

Cause I think if I felt at ease – I would be ok? I would be ready? So how do you feel at ease?

Look I know he’s just asking me to go on a date with him. I get that, it’s not marriage etc etc… I understand all of that…

But I don’t think he aligns with what I want over all? I think he will be too much for me to handle

It needs to feel right and I have to be at ease, want to go slow … when I say that… he says well let me show you that then 🤨

He literally has an answer for everything I say!! 😳 sly!

I just feel uneasy ?? We are gonna have to have a talk

Stupid reopening … I was all safe protected and hidden away… here we go with all this again 😞

www.youtube.com/watch

I just find it kinda ??? Stressful??

But then ya know? I don’t let anyone come close to me? I almost feel like it’s a blockage I can’t get past? Or something just holds me back.

Yes I miss things – and yes would be nice to have companion sure …

I just don’t want ??? I don’t even know how to explain?

So I dunno. Ugh I don’t want to deal with this again… I am always trying to avoid this!! The more I try to avoid – the more it comes … ALWAYS!!!!!!

So I don’t really know how to handle?

This is a huge reason I like my peace and kinda hide away? ✌️

When I was a little girl… really little … from maybe age 4 to age 10? I used to have this odd nightmare?? It was really weird and I haven’t thought about since then… until just now …

Everything was pink in my dream… there was like a square in the center? I was in that square… there were people all around that square and they could reach in and grab or try to pull me? Everything was pink and you couldn’t see any faces

I remember how much it terrified me… it sorta feels like that in a way?? …in my dream… I always protected myself and tried to stay away from everyone reaching?

Was just a weird nightmare I had alot. Never understood it… sorta makes sense now 🤨 just weird to remember that?

Well whatever … I’m gonna have to deal with this. Oh boy – I feel uneasy. I totally forgot all about this

Well corona gave me peace for a little while ✌️