Exactly what I want…

So… how do I answer that?

That’s hard to answer in words because I know it as emotions, not really words?

I’m still not quite sure I will be able to put into words ? But we see… maybe if I explain? It be easier for me to say in words?

I went through a really abusive marriage… it was bad most of the time. I can count the good times on my hands. Was a 21 year marriage.

So… also added to that… i was raised extremely traditional… very “old school” … Irish Catholic 😇

They instilled certain things – beliefs etc… I followed all of them. I was your sweet little Irish Catholic girl…

I pulled some rebellious stunts in high school… but only stupid stuff… very tame compared to other people… so only rebellious to someone who is severely sheltered – never bad or hurtful … just stunts to feel alive? I loved the adrenaline rush of maybe jumping off a roof into a pool or something stupid like that… just a thrill – your heart beats almost out of your chest – I was sheltered – I wanted to feel alive.

My dad kinda had issues with that. I eventually conformed to make him happy- I stayed away from people I knew would be thrill seekers it would only tempt me to want to feel life again. I just wanted to please my parents

I also moved around everywhere growing up so there was no stability or comfort to know people… all I really truly knew was my own family. I was always new.

I had church and my family.

I still consider myself catholic, and when I die – I do want my last rites. That is important to me – I would like that.

And I do carry some Catholic with me, but I keep that to myself. That is private to me.

I stayed in my marriage through the hardest things because I did believe and fear would sin if I left… I had a lot of guilt with wanting to leave and I had no where else to go.

So I stayed. Until he freed me… once the woman showed up at my doorstep to tell me of their 5 year affair… the moment that information hit my brain – well it was like a full on punch cause I didn’t see that coming…

And then the very next thing I thought of was, he just freed me. He committed adultery – I am free now… now he was nothing to me… it severed my tie to him.

Sorry like I said – old school.

Also let me tell you a little about myself… I am girly… I am soft hearted and sensitive, but funny and can be hard lol

One of my guy friends always teases me about that cause I am the softest person you will ever meet… yet when it comes to letting a guy come close… I am suddenly the hardest person you will ever meet lol

So he teases me whenever I say I’m soft lol… he always says “my ass your soft” lol – I’m only hard there because if you can’t handle that – you don’t deserve my softness.

When I was married – I gave my all… anything he wanted, how he wanted it whatever

He would go away on business trips and I would make posters with the kids, blow up balloons, cook his favorite dinner – and would never be good enough – I always did something wrong or there was something to fight about always

And he hated when I was hit on so that became an issue… I tried anything I could to make him feel secure… he never did – or maybe he was cheating? So

And then, he went through a lot of things I stood by his side with… I saved him several times …

Yeah he was horrific to me, both emotionally and physically. I always just thought – we had been together since kids – I know this man, life is hard sometimes – but if I ever had anything medical he would be there … I believed he loved me.

My first battle with the breast stuff was 2013….

I had 2 lumps at that time. I went in for lumpectomy. Surgery to remove.

He didn’t care for me, got mad at me, and also taking the medications.

One of those moments, he stood over me yelling at me, calling me names while I needed help

In was in that moment that I just realized he did not love me. He did not care – how do you treat a human like that?

So he was not there medically and has never been – even during the recent breast cancer – he didn’t care – did he ever?

I am not surprised even now that he does not care even during this

So you ask what I want…

I am tired… I just want my life happy – I want it free from bullshit.

In a perfect world, which we do not have, I would love to share and enjoy life with someone – just ya know… things in life happen – someone to lean on share funny things with

And when my life is over … I want someone by my side holding my hand? And if they should die before me…. I want to be holding theirs – I want to know that kind of love?

Nice dream though

And there are qualities I want. I do need peace, I can’t do pressure – just enjoy me as is. If you can’t then you aren’t meant for me

I need to see compassion for others … and honesty… and communication… no bullshit

I need face value.

I also need to trust

And if you can’t handle who I am – there’s the door. I don’t need someone, I only would like someone

I only want good. I’m not doing bad again. So just extra careful.

I feel like I gave everything I could to someone who didn’t deserve it – so this time… if there is a time… I just wanna make sure I can handle him, we want the same things, he can handle me… and he’s a good person

I am catholic – I will always be catholic that is part of who am… I don’t bother anyone with it and keep it to myself – I don’t follow it like the crowd does

I have little traditions that mean a lot to me – some are comforting… but they no longer have a strong hold like they did before – the teaching was too old school and that was just a perfect storm

So anyway… I can’t really actually put what I want into words – it’s just something in my heart. That’s it – no one has sparked that

I get the same things all the time… guys give me the same lines over and over – some get creative and can be funny … but is always the same. You don’t catch my attention by hitting on me – that makes me run the other way … you catch my attention by actually letting me see you ✌️

The thing is… it’s either always because they want to get in my pants or they like who I am but they don’t really understand… they don’t care

They see me because I am pretty… but it’s just hard to explain… know me first before you approach with that, and even then tread lightly – I don’t want a front. Be real

I am learning a lot of things – I guard myself cause I don’t trust the hurt … I have never dated, I was 17 when I met my ex. I have never been my own person – is my first time lol ✌️❤️

And I need to be able to um just be who ever I am, I won’t ever ask another to change for me… if I like you – I like you as is… I see or notice something in you that I want in my life

Even during my cancer there were moments, I needed laughter – I want that too

So yeah do you know anyone like that? Lol

Kidding – I really don’t know how to put it all into words? This is the best I could do?

I have strong feelings on some of this stuff