Caution

On March 27th… someone who used to be in my life and really close to me… reached out…

He was really special to me and I do have feelings for him- I did let him start to come in close. Still kept a distance, thank god … but I had let my guards down with him.

Before March 27th I had not heard from him at all. After our fall out … hmm 🤔

Ok so the way I see things is… when I was married – I gave chance after chance… believed excuse after excuse …

So I’m a little harder right now. Ok a lot harder. Fine whatever

Anyway after we had that disagreement and fall out… he said awful words – so I just felt like ok… see ya later… enjoy your life. I’m out ✌️

I’m not usually like that … If I love someone and they are in my life and mean something to me… I keep them… I don’t just walk away. Even if we disagree. He was like a best friend.

But here – I feel very hardened. Kind of. I don’t want to be hurt again.

I also kinda feel like… you didn’t know what you had when you had it? So there is that mentality too

So whatever – March 27th he messaged… I thought about just not responding … do I want to open that back up? – he really hurt so hmm I dunno…

So I just politely responded and said “hello we are all good, hope you are good too, thanks for checking” very vanilla … and left it at that… have not texted since then

I know he’s probably bored – so whatever … I just let it go… after that I’ve just remained silent.

He texted me again today.

When I see his name… I dunno? I did kinda fall in love with him, but then he kinda f*ed that up. So I dunno it’s just weird, I feel my heart but then also feel massive caution.

And he’s just bored. That’s it … I’m pretty sure ??

I don’t want to have to worry. I don’t want to feel unsure and don’t wanna deal with games of any kind – I am way too old for that…

We are under isolation so… ya know … he only thinks of me because of that? Or I feel like that at least.

He was saying very sweet things like he used to. And we did click back then. But I trusted him back then too so ya know? He doesn’t have that level of clearance anymore lol

He just put my guards way up and messaging me NOW… does not help matters … ok so maybe he was honestly checking to make sure I’m ok? I dunno

I still remember what he said. So it bothers me. He told me to leave him alone after that and I did. You got it – bye

Ok so ya wanna know what he said that bothers me ? Ok… fine… I didn’t sleep with him that night, so he made a comment about women and p power … yeah I’m not gonna say that word, if you can’t figure out no worries. It was bad

Anyway – we had words and then … he said leave me alone and I will leave you alone – ok I’m out! Don’t tell me twice

And that was it. I was thankful I didn’t not sleep with him… yeah nope … and those words just kinda destroyed his chances

So ya know… it hurt to lose him… especially after that and he was like my best friend at the time. I told him everything. I loved having him around. It broke my heart

But I let go. If that’s how you feel then ok…

The reason I didn’t sleep with him was because – I want something … he doesn’t want that … so that’s fine … but I’m not gonna just sleep with someone best friend or not. If not on same page – not gonna happen

When I was married I gave myself freely … to someone who didn’t appreciate or deserve so … why would I just sleep around like that?

And then on top of that… I had cancer so … I’m just different.

I do personally find my body beautiful – to ME/MYSELF… my breasts are awesome – nicely done … and when I look… I see the breasts … and I see how different it is…

I have no nipples … and pretty massive scars … I had many surgeries … no one except doctors has really seen me… one of my girlfriends has seen… I wore a bikini over her house one night to go swimming…

She just asked if I was ok or not … I am good.

But for me to see – is beautiful because I went through that – I walked through that and lived.

So while it just looks different and they say they can do tattoos to make me look normal… I don’t wanna look normal – I want it as is.

But I also am not sure how someone would react. There are a lot of pretty massive scars… the breasts look awesome… but they are scarred pretty bad

And not just that… not only will I be watching their reaction… but then also… it’s just emotional and I feel like that’s heavy to share?? That’s really emotional to me… So that gives caution also – I only want someone special for that

Anyway… he blew it… he almost had it. Thank god I was careful!

I do think – he thinks I will just accept back and be back to normal… but I can’t really ??

I don’t know if I could relax now? Those words just really bother me… and time has past – why now?

Now having said that… I know I have my guards due to my things… and I know he has issues from women who treated him badly … but I never did that to him… I never deserved those words. I would never have hurt him in any way.

So yeah that holds me back from him. I think he is just bored?

And then the police guy 🤨 … that’s a thing too 🤨

This one does make me laugh, yes … he’s really funny and we do click really awesomely – we have incredibly banter where our humor is spot on… we have been friends forever

We have the same sense of humor, the same zest for life … he’s pretty awesome – as a friend I enjoy him very much

I work really hard to keep people away from me… lol… that feels odd to say. But I do.

I stay quiet, I do not chase, I keep to myself … I make sure they don’t come too close… I keep my distances, don’t socialize even when not in lock down.

With the police guy… he is still trying to convince me to give him a chance 😑… but that makes me not trust him – he is too smooth with it. I just can’t

Luckily I have this isolation excuse for the time being. How long can we stretch this out? Lol kidding but not really

I do need to just lay it out to him … I just wanna tell him look – I don’t give anyone my time, I stay to myself – if I am a challenge to you – don’t bother.

As friends I don’t have to worry – but he wants to come in close and I don’t think I can do that??

I just do my own life … do my own things – I got my kids and my work… I still go through things … I am lucky to be alive … I just ignore this section of my life… the more I try to ignore the more it comes.

Yes I want something in my life – and yes I know you have to be open if you want something – I struggle so bad in this area.

So I dunno – all these people being bored lol

Anyway… maybe I’ll get over it one day? It’s not easy. I do feel terror. I just don’t know how to get over that. So whatever

I find more peace on my own? Rather than just handing over myself and my trust to someone.

I can do friends without issue… it’s just anything else – I can’t handle yet.

Also… I was with the same man for 30 years … and he was/is horrific so just a little cautious with stuff.

Not that I don’t miss things … I do. Totally!! 🤨

But I’m kinda just too umm cautious? I don’t know how not to be!!

I want something amazing – I never wanna settle for something that isn’t meant to be ever again. And I don’t want to give myself to someone who doesn’t deserve it. I don’t take test drives – no thank you

When you take the time to see someone and are patient and can understand their things, then ok… but I haven’t seen that yet

And then I know… the only way I will find something amazing is to let go right? But I can’t let go of being cautious?

Yeah whatever – just saying how it is and how I think on it. Bleh ✌️

Really dorky song choice but whatever … Don’t know what I’m so afraid of – I do… but I don’t ?? So whatever – it’s terrifying and frustrating!

I always have to be on guard with it… that gets exhausting too!!

Just stay away lol