The drop & being ready

Yesterday went really good… my girlfriend and I went and picked up supplies and dropped them off with my elderly friends …

We just called before we showed up and said we doing quick drop, I can’t hug you or stay or be near you… I will leave supplies on porch – I love you and I will call you tonight. Stay safe ❤️

So we did that… and then last night I called and checked on each one… they doing good… they are a little frustrated being isolated and on lock down. I think most people are – this is annoying AF!!! But they are doing good and all are still healthy … so I told them – they need anything they call ME!! They say ok … but some wanna get out 🤨… I feel like I have to parent lol… no!! you stay in your room!! You are grounded for wanting to go out… Lol kidding but I want them safe and ok.

Most are scared though so they won’t go out. I just have like maybe 1 or 2 who do not like the isolation at all. They are all stunned by this whole world situation. They kept saying they never saw anything like it and can’t really believe it is happening.

I know, it’s just hard. 😔

In the meantime, while out with my girlfriend her and I chatted in the car… we were talking about a lot of things – not a lot of social interaction so we talked constantly…

And she said some things to me that kinda made me think… she knows about that cop guy… and then when I said… yeah I dunno, I’m not ready so I’m thinking no. It’s pretty much a no (lol)

And then she said… I don’t know how you do it … how do you just not want that? What is it that is going to make you ready for things? What exactly could someone do to make you even start to feel ready?

Oh wow! Lol …ok deep… umm… alright well – I love the peace in my life … I don’t have pressure in this area because I keep that peace… I don’t have to worry about being hurt or lied to or doing anything someone isn’t gonna like… I can just simply be me… I have peace ❤️ and then with that comes me learning what I want? And who I am myself and how I can be strong on my own… there are a lot of aspects there.

Yes I would love to just be able to be ready, and have someone to enrich my life – sure – of course …

But that’s it right there – I want someone to enrich my life – enhance life itself.

So I want myself strong and to have my own happiness and peace… and then same for that person. And I don’t want to ever worry – I want to be able to trust and let guards down… I just want a simple loving peaceful life.

If we are specifically referring to this cop guy… I don’t feel that… I don’t feel I can let my guard down … he does try to make me be as ease – however umm I don’t trust it… instead of allowing me to get to that point myself – he tries to convince me of that point. That keeps my guards up. Don’t try to convince me, let “me” get there.

I don’t feel at ease being able to trust him in that manner – as a friend yes absolutely … but more than that … yeah I feel fear and massive guards with him

We have an attraction yes… that’s all fine and dandy – but I dunno… yes I want the fire – but I don’t wanna get burned

And I really really really need to feel ok with letting guards down. There are ways to do that – but careful cause ya know it’s a slippery slope lol

I don’t want to ever ever ever go through the things I have been through ever again!!!

She thinks I should just “practice” …doesn’t mean anything big and could just me a momentary fling or whatever

But that is not who or how I am. I would rather get it right. I don’t wanna waste my time on anyone who doesn’t deserve it? I know that sounds kinda bad, but I dunno?

Why mess around with anything that doesn’t fit you? I don’t go buying pants because I just like them or they “look” like they will be amazing… if they don’t fit I don’t buy them – I don’t buy in hopes someday might perfect. 🤨 I don’t wanna just throw money away or throw my love around.

And that’s another big thing… I definitely do not want some overly suave, smooth, Casanova – eewww – nope ❌

I want to see someone who is kinda on the same page?

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I will let go with stuff… I want to just be at ease and relax which is why I am protective in the first place … I’m not gonna relax with just anyone.

So there!! I guess that would be it… anyway we on lock down and isolating so nothing happening at this moment – so I am safe lol (woo hoo)

She doesn’t like my answers lol but whatever – I hear her and I think about what she says – but I also know who I am.

Sometimes I might hear someone’s words and have to marinate on it lol … not that I will do anything I don’t believe is right for me – but I will hear and think about your words ✌️