I am breathing!

It feels weird not to have anywhere to be? I always have somewhere to be, to be needed, to have to live by a clock and have to be somewhere at a certain time…

Today I don’t have that. I feel weird. Friday’s are my usual only day off but I still have to run around and do all my errands… I ran my errands yesterday after school. And I always get ready for family nights on Fridays with my kids.

But today?? There is just nothing. Not complaining – there is a peace to that… it’s just weird cause is my first day with nothing at all. My own free will to whatever… I don’t remember that.

This morning – my internal alarm woke me up at the same time I would be getting ready for school… but I remembered – we no longer have school… so I tried to stay in bed and sleep a little longer – but that didn’t pan out lol… once I’m up – I’m up

So I slowly took my time and got out of bed… made some coffee and just read people’s posts… just took my time.

I have forgotten how that is. I don’t normally have a moment to come up for air? This is the first time in a very long time.

The break is very nice. It’s so incredibly peaceful! I am in the country, so as I sit here in mostly silence – the birds are chirping. The sun has risen and is beaming through my windows. We have spring here – so our days have been beautiful lately… warm and sunny…

When I had the cancer …

They kept telling me … your life has to halt, you have to stop everything because you are going to need to fight this.

Well that was hard… they wanted me to put my life on hold… I didn’t know how to do that! They kept telling me to let it go… cause now I had to fight that.

They didn’t understand that I had to keep surviving… I was going through a brutal divorce and my family members kept dying and I am the peacekeeper of the family – and I am the one who holds it together… I didn’t understand I needed all my energy for fighting that cancer. I had a lot on my plate and I didn’t know how to just stop life for a minute.

It took me awhile, I fought that hard because I didn’t understand how and I was trying to survive in all ways lol … how do you just stop life for a minute? I don’t have the time for that!!! It’s not as easy as it sounds!

I literally had to surrender so these doctors could help me fight this.

I did halt my life for that… eventually. I had to… I couldn’t keep up with fighting that cancer and then fighting life so I surrendered my life through that.

Then my life became doctors and hospitals constantly – I hated that!!!! Oh like you don’t even know!!! They were in my life ALL the time!!!! That was my life. It was awful! Poked and prodded and sliced and diced 🤨 ughhh I hated that!!!!

So I gave up fighting to survive life in general for fighting for my life literally 🤨 that sucked 🤨

I am thankful and I am alive … but it was hard.

I still hate dealing with being checked and watched. But whatever – sometimes you have to deal with things in life you don’t want to.

Halting my life at that point – was NOT peaceful!!! 🤨

Halting my life at this moment … while everyone is fearing the coronavirus … I don’t fear it. I already feared death – I don’t anymore. Life will happen and do what it’s going to do… sometimes you don’t have control.

I am finding a minute of peace at the moment. Soaking it up because I know is only a moment. Life will get crazy again… and move really fast…

So today I am just absorbing. Enjoying the actual peace.

It’s a little weird – because I am not used to life so peaceful without something coming at me … I feel like I can breathe for a minute?

While I miss my kids – and can’t wait to be back with them… I feel purpose with them… but I am enjoying the moment at the moment.

I am breathing ❤️ I haven’t breathed in a long time!!!