Surviving…

I am feeling silent about my own things tonight… just kinda thinking. Court is coming up …

So I’m not sure how will be… my lawyer just makes me panic and she seemingly does more harm than good …

I only have her there to be on the files – but she does nothing. I might as well just do myself.

I am afraid that with her beside me – I will cry.

But to not have her will look bad on me- so she tells me… she says it will make the courts see me as a bad person and I certainly don’t want that.

But she literally panics me and does nothing so what is she good for?

I think without her I could be strong and do better ? But I am not sure or confident in that because I also don’t trust the courts.

I am terrified. I am afraid he will just crush me… I just want to be away from him!!! Be a human being and just leave me alone!! Have mercy – ya know?

I stood beside him through literally everything he ever needed – yet he has zero compassion to leave me alone.

So those things are making me panic tonight because that is coming up and I am afraid – very afraid!!

So let me switch subjects before I send myself into severe silence and panic…

So I do have some really good news …

Ok so… I have the job at the school, which I love!! However thinking ahead – summer is coming and school will be out…

I do not get paid when kids are not in school … so I have to think ahead there…

In the meantime, I just got that job at a funeral home… I have a really good title that will eventually allow me to take that somewhere eventually …

I love the peace of the funeral home and am loving helping others and it just fits me at this moment. Is helping me process my own things…

Ok so… I may be able to pick up more hours at funeral home during summer but that is not guarantee … so again thinking ahead …

And then… I am also planning just Incase I am severely crushed… I am still going to need to survive no matter what happens – he is and has been brutal through everything and I don’t trust him at all- he plays very dirty and I do not… he is evil… so I don’t trust the courts to see this and I don’t trust my lawyer to help me… at this point I’m on my own and hope for the best…

So I’ve been thinking – what is something I could fit into my life at any given moment ? Just for survival purposes at least?

I am going to need money coming in … so I would need to fit a 3rd job into the already 2 I have …

Ok so… don’t laugh… I signed up to be a delivery driver …

They completed my background check today and I can start whenever I want and work whenever I can or am able.

I’m a little nervous about how will be? So we see. I signed up with Door Dash? I’ve been reading about it.

So it’s at least some extra money coming in? And if need be I can do that until I can find better things ?

So I dunno – it’s something – I’m trying to come up with anything I can to survive

None of this is right – but I suppose life is not fair … and I worry there is nothing I can do court wise … I don’t understand it…

So we will see how goes. I still have to wait for them to send me some stuff and until then I am reading everything I can about it.

You can also have write offs for taxes – which I will have to keep track of… there’s an app for that… but that will help me with next years taxes.

So it will at least help maybe? Just trying anything I can. I am scared very much – terrified so whatever – I will see what I can do.

10 thoughts on “Surviving…”

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  1. I hope you don’t panic and the courts magically treat you fairly! Most of all, I hope you get away from dealing with a bad man!!!

    Congrats on getting the delivery gig! If it doesn’t work out you can change your mind!

    People keep trying to talk me into bring a rideshare driver but it doesn’t make sense to me… income too low to comp wear on car & increased insurance, too much risk to personal safety, and too much risk of a passenger barfing in my car!! Besides, driving greatly aggravates my knee pain.

    I’m really sorry you’re so stressed out!! Hope for the best but prepare for the worst! I’d probably go full nervous breakdown in the court just to have release.. but also hoping it emphasizes my feeling to the judge, and makes everyone super uncomfortable! But not if that means risking custody of your daughter!

    I’m sending you good juju!!

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    1. Thank you! Me too!! I always thought would be ok and be fair… before I got away… I had gone to a group that helps abused women get away – they said the courts would protect me and I believed that… I am definitely not an advocate for leaving an abusive marriage … not that I would want anyone to be in a position of being hurt and abused … but you will be victimized especially if he has all the money.

      I do not believe in the court system anymore… California has a horrific court system!! I don’t trust the courts – I don’t trust lawyers – I don’t trust doctors and I don’t trust men 🤨 I have massive trust issues lol

      Can not wait for it all to be over and hopefully go forward in my life.

      Yes exactly … I figured was a good “filler” job that will provide some extra money coming in, until I can find other things – little nervous about it but I will deal with that… sink or swim right? Seems pretty good… I can work when able or want to, and claim things on taxes such as phone, insurance or gas, vehicle things – anything used within the job…

      My car is not new enough for those ride share things – but I would be nervous with that … food I can do lol (hopefully) I will keep updated on blog

      Well I know is just this moment – I will get through it… I’m alive and made it this far… I am definitely strong in spirit… I am trying to prepare for worst…

      Well I am a cryer because my lawyer stresses me out really bad – she’s really mean – you have no idea … she makes me panic instantly now… she doesn’t help me in the slightest… I have cried in court and she got mad… I can’t help it and she says courts don’t like that and won’t put up with it and that’s why I suffer

      The courts don’t care about emotions. Nothing… this is California…

      And that’s the one thing that would actually break me is to lose my daughter – he knows this though so he is trying… so I am trying to learn how to be stronger

      I have to learn not to be so sensitive … it’s just hard because I am traumatized by everything. And I can feel my heart just bleed and I’m scared so all that rushes in and then I cry.

      Thank you for your well wishes – I am going to hold on to that ✌️ need all the good wishes I can get!! Definitely scary

      That’s life though I guess. But I am tired ☹️

      Just can not wait to be done with all this!

      And on the bright side – I get to have my original name back ❤️ I am little excited for that. Especially after having lost a lot of family, and I don’t want him attached to me in any way… I know I have the kids with him so always be attached there … but the more I can sever the better for my own self ✌️

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      1. Does DoorDash consider you a 1099 contract employee?? If so, you can write off a LOT. Keep EVERY receipt, for EVERYTHING, be dilligent about tracking your car mileage, nd find a good accountant. I usually pay $400 to file through an accountant. It was worth it when I was a 1099 contractor because I only paid one quarter’s estimated taxes (about $6k) before the job ended and I couldn’t make the 2nd payment I owed. At tax time I expected to owe my entire 2nd quarter taxes, plus some, but somehow got nearly my entire $6k back… meaning he wrote off enough that I paid virtually no taxes that year!!

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      2. Yes they do!!! 👍

        I was reading many things about it… and yes plan to keep every receipt and track all gas and mileage, phone usage, vehicle Maintenence etc – all of it!

        I usually never owe in taxes because I have them take out more so I do not owe… instead get back after taxes. Is just better for me that way

        I have never been or had to do 1099… so will be diligent – I read everything I can about it.

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      3. I’m the same on withholding extra for taxes. 1099 doesn’t withhold anything (nor count toward unemployment) and it was hard to remember that I had to do it!

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      6. Thank you ❣️

        I saw that article when I was researching about this type of job and lol… I already have that stride app on my phone…

        This was the article, in which during my research of doing this – made me think ok this will be a good thing to do 😄✌️

        So we see how goes!!! Hopefully I can do all this really good!!

        One thing I worry about is people trying to scam and say I didn’t deliver or they didn’t get their stuff… I have read dashers having that issue… customers trying to get free food? Dishonest people

        Cause I have really researched and I want to do good and be able to make money… ya know trying to survive…

        I don’t want my rating to go down or lose this opportunity … I don’t want anyone to lie or take the job away from me?

        So… I might try to get a dash cam… and just be vigilant ahead of any issues? If I have on video and have photos – I have proof… which can hopefully help ??

        I don’t want to do badly or not have this opportunity so just want to protect myself too!

        Not sure if happens in my area, but wouldn’t put it past people.

        I will have to be very diligent in tracking every single thing both for myself and taxes… right down to deliveries.

        Here is where my ocd will enter lol😄✌️

        Thank you for the link!! Now I have it handy 🥰

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