Learning – always learning … just one moment in time

I don’t impress easy… people always try to impress me with money or things – doesn’t impress me.

I have so many people who try to impress me by what they have or what they can give me… sorry but none of that impresses me. I am very careful and don’t accept things from just anyone… I don’t trust motives

So what impresses me? A person with a good heart … I will always look at your heart. I want to see how sincere someone is and if they are a good person.

I am learning as I go along – and I have many people who I didn’t think I could handle…

Like for example – I have a girlfriend who lives a completely different life style than I do… is something that goes against my grain…

I kept her at a distance. Wouldn’t let her get close… but she kept trying – and she was sincere … she kept trying to be my friend even when I would pull back.

She was there for me in moments when I needed someone… she taught me how hard the world can be and how to protect myself.

My guards came down with her. She is now one of my good friends – I still don’t like her lifestyle but doesn’t effect me or the person she is – who she is as a person is more important to me. So I keep her. She impressed me and caught my attention. I have learned a lot from her. She’s very smart.

I do pull back for things I fear or have pain with. I pull back severely sometimes. Go very silent… just protection. I’m always honest and sometimes I need a minute to absorb. I am tired of being hurt.

So anyway… that guy – impresses me. Not that I have let down my guard or anything – cause I have not… and I am still apprehensive… but I suppose we can just be friends.

I still don’t want any church or catholic stuff – I want that private only to me on how I do things regarding that.

But he wrote me back and just told me his whole story. Said he understood what I was saying, apologized for other people hurting me so severely, and that if I ever needed him just let him know. He didn’t care that I rejected – still offered a friend.

So I was impressed. That’s rare.

So I guess I can do that slowly – I can learn. Maybe these things will help me heal from my own things?

Life is learning from our experiences and others so… I guess I will learn.

He impressed me enough with what he said after I turned away… he caught my attention with that. Kinda makes me cry a little.

I just keep so guarded – I am still afraid of certain things … and I want to reject anything that has previously hurt me. I stay silent, I stay away from the internet and news and people- I just live life work and have peace … I don’t let many in lately. I am very tightly guarded.

I try very hard to survive by myself… I struggle very much… was never how my life was – but I was being severely abused… so now I am just afraid of that… I’m afraid of my ex, I’m afraid of the courts and lawyers, I’m afraid I won’t make it.

I do good working but I still struggle severely … I don’t eat sometimes so that my daughter can. My living conditions are not the best – I try really hard to stand up – my ex just beats me down

I am still happy and I still smile and laugh… my ex does play dirty and lies … he wants me not to be able to make it without him. Screw that, so I try… but I’m terrified

I work 2 jobs and still struggle. My oldest son helps me when he can – I don’t ask him to, he gets mad at me about that, but he’s my son – I don’t want to ask anyone for help much less, him. He asks me every week if I am ok… I always tell him yes. He will sometimes help me anyway.

I told my daughter that I keep a tally so one day I can pay him back all the times he has helped me… my daughter told him about that and rolled his eyes and said “mom doesn’t owe me anything, I help her because she is my mom and I love her” which made me cry 😭

So these are the reasons I cry… it’s hard not to cry. I try not to but it’s heavy and I’m tired.

So ya know… I dunno?? I have always lived a good life and always been honest and accepting mostly… I do run from things I fear will hurt me. I am scared.

But again – I only cry when I feel that heaviness – and I don’t let anyone see me cry… when someone finds out my story – they always say how come you always smile and are so bubbly? You are such an upbeat person

Yeah well I am… I am just having hard time because I can’t make it on my own yet and I don’t have my family.

I have to live life – I can’t curl up into a ball… and I just don’t want anyone knowing how hurt I am and how much help I need. I am afraid to take help… I am very cautious

I once believed in things but I don’t now – I don’t trust at all… I have HIGHLY guarded myself.

Anyway my point to all this is … perhaps I can learn something from this person… or perhaps he can teach me how to heal? Or whatever … I rejected… and he still had compassion and empathy.

Still HIGHLY guarded but whatever … I was impressed so now I’m listening – trying to learn ✌️

Catch my attention – and I will listen to what you have to say even if I’m afraid. I am open to learning … just afraid of things

One day when you read my blog… you gonna see how far I can go… I do plan to be really strong and do plan to have an amazing life in all aspects ❤️

Just a moment in time ✌️