No more silence

So I am very panicked currently … I feel panic with what to expect cause if they take my child … my kids are my world. I won’t be able to survive through that – that will be my breaking point. So I am terrified. I fight so hard to stand up on my own… just give me a minute and I can do it – but not if I am beaten down all the time.

Also… being quiet is hard… I made myself fall off the face of the earth so I could heal from all my family losses and the cancer and the divorce (which has been brutal) … so I went quiet with people

They constantly try to check on me – I only respond to those that I have to – such as family or my police 🤨 I don’t want them sending out a swat team or anything to make sure I am ok… I am fine I was just healing – I wanted peace

My lawyer bullies me and scares me and makes me panic. Nothing I ever do is good enough, she doesn’t fight or stand up for me – bullies me and threatens me…

So I’ve been crying. I am exhausted

Anyway, I’m just trying to think of what to do, how to handle…

In the meantime he says horrible things about me and none of it’s true… he throws motion after motion at me and my lawyer does nothing … never forces him to take drug or alcohol tests nothing. He was supposed to (court ordered) never did and doesn’t … but I do. I pass every time. I don’t drink or do drugs – ever!!

So since my police officer could not see me tonight and I was upset…

I also kinda feel my silence closing in on me? I really want peace, I work so hard just to have peace and stand up for myself!!!

I texted my landlord … asked if she had some time to just be a friend because I had a personal issue I need a friend with…

I showed her the messages from my lawyer – and showed her the court papers

She said “I REALLY don’t like your lawyer!!”

I said “me either” but ya know I can’t afford another one

And I have another lawyer I spoke to a little over a year before I left… that lawyer has notes how I was trying to get out and it was abusive.

I told her that… she asked can I get that lawyer?

Yes I could but they require a $3500 retainer and even I was to ask for those notes “I have to buy them” – they are about $300 to get copies of those notes – I have already tried that route

It’s divorce – nothing in divorce is free … and he who has the money wins.

(One of my girlfriends tells me all the time – there is no justice for the poor)

My landlord is wealthy – and that’s not why I went to her because I don’t expect anything from her either – I pay for my things myself. I am very diligent not owing anyone.

I just needed someone to listen and let me cry…

She knows me and my daughter … But I don’t share my story. I always stay quiet.

Today it poured out in tears 😭

Because I am scared – I really can’t take more

So anyway, she said hang on a second… I have a lawyer… he’s a bulldog, not sure if he does divorces but he can refer and he’s good. Honest.

But I said … well the problem I have is if I take another lawyer it will be my 3rd… the first one took off with my money and did nothing on my behalf. I am at the mercy of my current lawyer – she bullies me and makes me panic… I have to stay quiet… and she doesn’t stand up for me… but if I get another lawyer … that’s not going to look good to the courts – it’s going to be bad if I have gone through 3 lawyers

She hugged me and got me a box of tissues.

She said “we gonna get you through this, let me get my lawyer on board and we gonna take your ex down”

I just want him to stop – I want peace so badly!!!! I don’t want him to take our daughter… I share him when he wants her … I have never tried to screw him in any way…

** As I was writing this… my landlord called … she said her lawyer called her back and he DOES do divorce cases – he is willing to meet with me.

Oh wow… ok – so I will get all my papers together … and write down everything.

Ok so maybe I’m getting another lawyer 😭… I just cry because it’s been a lot. And I’m scared and tired – but I’m still trying …

Even if 3 lawyers look bad – it kind of gives me a little hope- rather than laying down and taking it

Whew – I hate this… I want peace sooo badly!! I am tired.

My landlord said “breathe ok” lol

I am (kinda)

So tmrw I go to work… I have to call this lawyer and make appointment to go see him, get all my stuff together and write everything down.

Then Friday I do my drug test then meet with my police officer. Oh wait… no I meet with police officer tmrw – (sorry I am panicked, I have a million thoughts)

When he texted me earlier and said he couldn’t today, he asked if I be available tmrw …

I said, yes that’s fine, but you aren’t going to be in uniform are you? … I don’t want anything drawing any attention…

He said no he will change first … whew ok good.

Saturday – I am having my car looked at – the engine light is on (is old) …

But I am adulting – roughly 🤨 … not very well – bumpy ride, but I haven’t given up yet.

The more I speak – the better it gets … “sometimes” … we’ll see … maybe

If I just continue to be quiet I am getting pummeled … but the more I speak up… the more good things come to me.

This is hard for me to speak about because of all the pain and how tired I am… it’s hard not to cry… I don’t like people seeing me cry. I hide behind a smile always. So is hard to let people see me cry and all of this makes me cry

Little by little I’m finding my voice with this. Still terrified – but bring that fear 😳 … or not … I would prefer not!! But it’s going to come at me anyway… I just have to speak up ☹️

Ok … speak… no more silence

Whew ok then – the fight begins