My story…

So I am working on things, kind of …

However today I am having a slight panic attack… ok not slight …pretty major…

If you can offer advice – I would love to hear it… I will take any advice anyone can offer …

So I guess I’m going to have to put out my story … oh boy … I have to not be silent anymore… in silence I am getting slaughtered in all directions…

Ok well let me think where to begin… this is going to be long and then also I might panic through it… just FYI

Ok so… the marriage itself was abusive, I didn’t know he was drinking or seeing other women… I completely trusted this man because I had been with him since I was 17… I went right from my parents house to his…

The marriage itself really doesn’t matter at this point – that part is over and California is a 50/50 state – no fault…

I never had him arrested for the physical abuse because first of all, I was embarrassed and kinda bewildered. Also at that time he was doing home mortgages and he would have lost his job being arrested and we would have no income… so I stayed quiet. 😢

Anyway… I had to talk him down from suicide so many times … I was his wife so I just believe it was my duty to be there through thick and thin – help him through whatever it was.

Early on in our marriage he asked if he could do “his dream” of being in a rock band…

Well we were young, and just because we were married – I wanted him to go after his dreams. I fully supported whatever he wanted.

So he worked a 9-5 job and then after work would go straight to band practice or shows “supposably” … until about 1am while I was taking care of the house entirely by myself and the kids. I thought he was trying to better our lives…

But instead he was drinking severely and seeing other women.

He would come home and get mad at me for “cheating” which I never ever did, and if I didn’t do something right or cook something right – anything he would get angry at.

He used to go on business trips and while he was gone me and the kids would make “welcome home posters” and blow up balloons 🎈 being all excited for him to come home…

He would get angry at me for that, saying he didn’t deserve us and not to do that stuff. So ok we stopped

I kept having to talk him down from suicide and then we decided to go to counseling … so he calls to make appt and they tell him they can’t see us because he is volatile and has a substance abuse issue – that night we sat in detox – I stayed with him the whole time and had a newborn daughter at that time with us.

I learned that he had alcohol hidden all through the house … it was up in the lights – in the tank of the toilet … anywhere no one would ever look. I had no idea that was what caused his anger. He entered AA

I went with him to be supportive whenever I was able to… sometimes they don’t allow spouses – but when they did I would go, until he said he wanted to do himself – ok.

I left him in 2011 when he hit the middle child across the face with a clean plunger I had just bought that day and me and the kids went back East with family – He paid me money so we could survive.

While I was gone he upped seeing other women and brought them to friends BBQs and all that – meanwhile telling me that he wanted us back.

While I was back East … I had brought the kids to see his mother – his sister was there… she said she needed to talk to me… she had a mental issue years before and had a stay in a mental home to cope… so the mother watched my kids while I went for a walk with her

She told me a story about the moms brothers when she was younger use to do things to her … (her uncles)

When she told this to her mother at age 4… the mother’s response was “this is just what happens in families, be quiet about it” so she did…

And because of what the mother said to this little child, the child in turn took it out on her little brother (my ex) from age 2 to age 6 – she abused him sexually – but she was a child herself…

That was why she mentally collapsed those years before.

So ok… now I knew his problem… now I knew where to help him and it wasn’t me…

On the phone that night I told him I knew and what I knew … he had a complete mental break down and once again I had to talk him down from suicide.

I did that by saying “your family fucked you up, do you want to be the cause of fucking up your own children?” I made him think of them… he did not want to be the cause of their mental issues like that… so I convinced him to see a doctor the next day. I was across the country with the kids…

The doctor immediately put him in a mental home, under a 72 hour suicide watch… it drove him nuts…

They put him on medications and for the first time ever – we had amazing talks and I had the man I feel in love with for a moment…

He wanted us back … and I felt guilty for tearing the family apart …

We came back… within exactly 5 days he stopped taking the meds and went right back to the abuse and drinking

This time since I came back it was 10 times more brutal than ever before.

Shortly after returning I had lumps in my breast… when I went to the doctor in 2013 for those lumps… they told me they were benign and something called papillomas… totally normal, nothing to worry about but needed to be taken out…

So I had a double lumpectomy done to remove those lumps …

It was a surgery… I don’t self medicate at all… I don’t drink, don’t do drugs nothing… that was the first time I ever had anything like that… during surgery they put me under and I was on all kinds of pain meds

Before I even left the hospital they gave me a Vicodin and then they gave me Oxy… I don’t remember going home… I just remember the hospital and waking up at home.

He cooked a frozen burrito for himself in the microwave right after I woke up, the smell was too much and I went running to the bathroom to throw up…

I was on pain meds, my chest was wrapped and suddenly I am violently puking – I calling for help because I needed help … I had never thrown up so violently before and it was hurting my chest and I was afraid with the stitches … and I had 3 kids so at the same time I am violently throwing up into the toilet, I am peeing all over the floor.

Instead of helping me, he just stood over me and watched yelling at me what a bitch I was cause now he was going to have to clean up my fuckin mess

At that very moment, I felt … ya know what… don’t do me any fuckin favors…

He passed out on the couch drunk, and after the violent throwing up and peeing was over … I got on my hands and knees with my chest still bandaged and cleaned that up myself.

He stole my pain meds while I was recovering and out of it.

I wanted to be done… I kept thinking of my religion… catholic – I was raised old school – you be there for you man… only way out is if he committed adultery otherwise divorce was sin.

So I wanted out but I didn’t know what to do … I had nothing – I had been a stay at home mom… for years and years… and also silent – no one knew me… I kept friends at a distance because of the family issues we were dealing with…

So I thought to myself … if I want change … I have to make it… otherwise this is my life …

So I called a temp agency and asked for work … 3 different ones told me the same thing “we don’t help people like you” I had no work background, no education and no references … I just wanted to work to rebuild myself and work on getting away.

When they gave me that response … ok so I can’t go that way… I was going to have to start from the bottom and work my way up …

So I knew the police had a volunteer department … so I went for that. I got that and started volunteering with my police … I volunteered on patrol and in the office so I could have a wide range … I got to know my officers and my community …

I stayed silent about what was happening at home as much as I could – and what safer place for me to be then with the police.

Several times he tried to cause me issues with them, but they knew me… they had a run in with him once and that wasn’t good – then they started being protective

I just wanted to work – I wanted to get out so badly!! I needed to build a foundation to jump off of… I wasn’t being paid but it would help me later

Then a man who knew me in the community came to me one day and said “I have this job we need to fill and you would be perfect for it – it pays are you interested?”

When I asked what it was he said was for a “cart girl” … I had no idea what a cart girl was … the minute I got home I googled it… a cart girl drives around a golf course and makes sure patrons are having fun, serves them drinks and food and is social and fun…

So it paid … my ex had all control over everything – al finances everything … I had to ask for money for gas or anything the kids or I needed … I went in for the interview and was hired on the spot… I checked with my police first because I didn’t want to lose them – they said I could do both… just remember to uphold a certain level of respect (of course) so I agreed to keep both jobs

At first I hated it… I was hit on relentlessly … I was not used to that … I had been hidden away for years and just been a mom since I was 20… here I was at 42 doing this…

I thought to myself – give yourself a month … if you still hate it after a month, re-evaluate …

My boss at the golf course told me if anyone made me feel uneasy or uncomfortable I could have them kicked off the course and he would have my back 100%…

I was used to an office environment prior… so I was stiff at first… then it was ok and I learned to be free … I could be me there … I laughed and enjoyed people very much!!! I love my coworkers and golfers ❤️

In August of 2014… a woman came to the door … my ex said “oh shit, it’s about to go down, follow me” he opened the door to this Russian blonde woman…

We walked to a nearby park – I had no idea what was going on…

She begins to tell me they had been having a 5 year affair… and telling me what, where, when, how… oh boy – that was the most massive punch to the gut I had ever felt. I felt sick and light headed … it was all a blur…

I cried for 2 weeks straight… I couldn’t work either job.

This also gave me relief because there was the adultery… I could leave now and be free of sin.

I had nothing still because I was only making enough for gas and things for the kids… I got 2 credit cards to help start me getting credit …

In 2015… I went to a lawyer for a consultation and he wanted about $3500 retainer … he took note on everything I said

So I continued to work and save little by little … I went to a place that helps abused women to get out … they told me with a 21 year marriage I would be protected by the courts.

In October of 2016, the abuse was bad again… I wanted nothing to do with him but he wouldn’t leave – was going to have to be me…

So… at that time a man stepped up and said “I will help you get out, I will protect you and you can stay with me”

Ok … so I jumped … I had a chance to get out and I took it… my ex berated me ruthlessly with over 500 text messages in 2 hours – calling me names and sending pictures of me and him together (all of these horrific messages are attached and in the divorce file for lawyers and judges to see – I was mortified)

I took what money I had saved … $5000 and this other man referred me to a divorce lawyer … who did nothing and filed nothing and took off with my money… my ex had beaten me to the courthouse to file for divorce – saying everything he did to me… was instead what I did to him.

When I turned to this man who said he was going to help me for advice or help… he told me to do myself… not his problem

I tried … but I don’t understand the courts … at all – I didn’t go to law school and there is so much paper work and if you don’t get it right they won’t accept it – I needed a lawyer …

My ex had a lawyer and they kept filing motion after motion burying me…

That man who was supposed to help me get out, instead also became even more abusive than my ex because I did not want anything with him, just help – so after a month – I left that situation.

Now I was homeless and depending on friends. Luckily I am a good person and have good contacts and good friends … I have always been there for others and now I needed help…

I thought the courts would protect me but they did not.

After bouncing around like that, someone said go to welfare – they will help you…

So I did, I turned to welfare gave them all the court paper work and all the information and they helped me fill out all the paper work … this was going to help me stand up on my own …

Within 3 months of being on welfare and attending their back to work classes – he somehow accused me of committing welfare fraud and threatened to arrest me in court …

I immediately stopped welfare but in court they were brutal…

A girlfriend of mine stepped in with $3500 and got me another lawyer who took over – this is my lawyer now…

I kept telling her everything and that I was homeless, I needed help… she told me be quiet – don’t say anything will look better on you …

Then I got the cancer – I wasn’t getting enough for a place or to survive … while I was battling cancer – I was homeless …

I had a storage unit and I remember many times I would be in full panic and tears while my daughter watched that, I didn’t know where we were going to stay that night – I always found people to take us in for awhile or I would do odd jobs like caring for some elderly person or cleaning someone’s house and we would get a hotel.

I would have to be at the hospital for surgeries – I would have to line up where we were going to stay in advance and others had to care for me… I felt at mercy…

That’s when I began losing my family… my dad died first, then my grandfather … then my mom got alzheimers and then my grandmother died…

I was trying to figure out how to handle being homeless and without help from the courts … and then go through cancer and the loss of so many people I loved.

In the meantime, my ex and his dirty lawyer he met in AA (also a recovering addict) continued to bury me in motions

He is court ordered to pay my lawyer – she tells me he does not pay her, but I don’t understand why she doesn’t go after him…

She doesn’t fight for me and has not all this time… if I say anything to her about that… she gets mad and angry with me and threatens to leave me and make me look bad … I never come at her meanly ever … I am not that way… I just don’t understand how this is possible

I do everything she says … and I just stay quiet …

On my final cancer surgery… 4 days before my surgery I learned he changed insurance (I’m sure on purpose) … so I had to fight for my life for that surgery…

I had to get the insurance that was doing the surgery to agree to let the other insurance pay for it and vise versa – that July 4th weekend 2019… my final surgery was July 9th – 2 days after my birthday 7/7.

I fought right down to the second for that surgery… I needed it… going to the hospital that day – I didn’t know if I was going to have the surgery or not … luckily it was my first win. Going into that surgery I just kinda collapsed into it. I was exhausted

Right after surgery my son got a hotel room and took care of me for a week…

I was supposed to rest after that but when you are homeless you can not… and my life had already be halted for so long… I need to fix my life…

So I went for that school job… I got the job at the school… which I love … those kids don’t realize the sunshine they bring to my life…

At first they were cautious of me … was I going to stay? I guess many leave this position quickly … but within 2 weeks kids started coming to me and being comfortable with me…

Today as a matter of fact a senior boy came to me and said … he has been having a rough time… and he doesn’t have any friends just one – and then he said but I think you’re a friend too? I feel comfortable coming to you and talking to you. That was touching… but I love these kids like they are my own. I feel safe with them and I’m not hit on at school… I am most other places. I avoid that.

Anyway, right after I got the school job, I needed a home – I was scared he was going to come after my daughter and that would kill me…

So I found a small place in the country – I like the peace here but it’s not the best house itself and I’ve had issues… such as when I first moved in – they kept shutting off power because of wildfire danger … and then rains came and I had leaks everywhere … then ants invaded …

And I was able to get a car from a friend very cheaply … it’s old and I have to spend money to fix many things

But I have a job and a home and I just got another job…

Today my lawyer was emailing me about paperwork she wants me to sign… weeks ago – I told her paper work was incorrect… I gave her the info to fix it …

At that time she got mad at me and said she didn’t have time for me … she’s been sick, she’s been in court, etc etc … I said ok – just get back to me when you can you said was important …

I have been silent waiting for her – otherwise she gets mad

She wants me to sign the paper work I feel is incorrect… she gets mad and is really mean…

Like when I told her about my new job and she said “well better than nothing”

So she wants me to sign something I feel is incorrect – but I feel bullied by her and I’m not understanding and I feel scared and lost

I’m try to take reigns myself – if the court doesn’t help me – I have to do this all myself

I was a middle class housewife in an abusive marriage… I struggle to even survive through everything…

I have let go of the marriage aspect – of the pain and the hurt … I have no vengeance

But he does – he is vengeful I left … so he wants to make sure I suffer for leaving him

And with my current lawyer – not once in court has she stood up for me. It’s almost as if she works for him.

I told her I will be getting my taxes soon – how much do I owe you? How much is he supposed to be paying?

She told me suddenly “well he does pay me – but not enough to cover my fees”

I really don’t understand ?? So he’s paying her – but doesn’t cover things? So she does nothing but get angry at me

I seriously feel bullied – currently today I feel panic

Do I sign this? I don’t feel it’s correct… things are wrong and other things have been left out.

If I sign – I am agreeing to whatever is on that paper

I am exhausted and don’t understand. Instead of explaining or helping me – I feel she bullies me…

I am afraid if I stand up to her – she will leave me and the courts won’t look good on that… and she’s my second lawyer after the first took off with my money… so will it look bad if I try to get a 3rd lawyer ? One who specializes in abuse cases? Or who can help me?

I can not wait until all this is over … I can’t take much more

In the meantime, I do feel bullied – I just do what she says and if I don’t or question anything she says, she gets angry…

Any advice ?? Or thoughts ? Anything? I am scared and tired

So ok – there is my story… this is why I stay quiet

I opened up to the sister of my landlord with this today… and she said your police check on you… you need to start speaking … at least then you have a chance.. if you don’t speak you for sure will be buried

So I suppose I will reach out to one of my police … he reached out the other day – let’s see if he meant it…

I just hate needing to ask for help – I know we need it – but my story makes me cry and makes me feel overwhelmed

I have stayed graceful and true to my morals … I don’t go out ever, I stay to myself, other than daily life where I interact and they don’t know anything…

I don’t date and I don’t really trust … I am highly cautious … I don’t have my parents to turn to and I’m not sure how to handle everything.

He tells the courts I am this horrific person … I can disprove everything he says…

He doesn’t coparent with me at all… he also does not do what the court asks like drug and alcohol tests and my lawyer does nothing to make him

Where I have to do flips for the courts and fight my ass off constantly… I am completely exhausted

I am also tired of always being quiet. The dam is breaking … my first step… I opened up.

I would never treat another human being like my ex has treated me. But I am tired – I’m still fighting

My problem is getting past the fear and also the panic. I don’t know how to do that – all the court stuff makes me just panic.

Ok well I don’t wanna talk anymore – that was exhausting.

I am determined to make my life better – I just need to stand up and I haven’t been able to yet. I do it alone.

I think my first step is to speak so here it is…

Please give any advice or thoughts – I would appreciate more than you could ever imagine. So there it is. My story. What makes me cry and panic.

Gnite ✌️