I fell in love with 723! 😮 dammit- that was instant 😮

I be back

Hello…

I have been quiet. I went silent even from my funeral people – still am currently. Just absorbing …

But switching gears for a moment …

723

I love the number 7… and 2 because is me and my daughter … and 3 because I have 3 children and 3 is for some reason a lucky number for me??

So … I don’t know. 723??

I will know later. But I’m thinkin 723 ❤️ meant to be?? We see 😑🙏🙏🙏

youtube.com/watch

I do not know yet though – so … don’t go getting all excited lol (that’s mainly a pep talk for me lol)

I will wait until things are meant to be. Better that way. ✌️ – you just know!

And then also… I pulled a major decision today for my own self without anyone else’s view or opinion. Did ask anyone – just went with what I felt be better.

Then since I have been out and about since 7/8am… I was starving!! Lol

So I stopped at Panda 🐼 Express … I just got one small thing of chicken only and a drink. I was starving, but didn’t really want much.

But I get a fortune cookie 🥠 ❤️❤️❤️

My fortune said “Do not be impulsive when comes to money”

Which is funny because the decision I made concerned money and I stopped any impulse lol 🙌✌️

Ok gotta go ✌️😘❤️

I have a handful of people that I love very much with all my heart ❤️ – I trust them with my life, totally.

One of them, who is very dear to me. got diagnosed with MS today. 💔

So. 💔

He’s one of my confidants and an incredible friend 💔 … yes it’s a man but it’s different, just pure honest friendship – so am little crushed

Ya know, when I let people come close that thought enters my mind…

Because one way or another will hurt… they either hurt purposely or life takes them away from you 💔

So ya know – I think about loss a lot – duh ✌️ I see it every day. 💔

He’s younger than me by like 2 or 3 years. But he is a really smart and funny man. Many are intimidated by him 😄

I work with him at moment.

When I do the hiring … I have them meet ME first 😄😄😄…

I make you feel at ease and comfortable… I am gentle and instantly put people at ease… so technically I soften you up lol

Then I have them meet him 😄❤️ … if you can pass by him – you are golden! Lol

He’s always on his shit – knows everything … nothing gets by him and he’s very inquisitive. He’s really amazing … as a human being, he is phenomenal ❤️ you don’t find people of his caliber often

He’s not and never has been intimidating to me. we clicked right away.

He’s an amazing man. I tell him that all the time, just to be sure he knows 😉✌️

He means a lot to me because I can trust him, he is one of the few I truly trust. 💔

He battled cancer in his childhood ☹️… beat it by 17.

And now Multiple Sclerosis 💔☹️

I wish I could fix everything 💔

He makes me laugh a lot – he has incredible sense of humor that clicks with mine and we think the same.

I worry because he will slip away too… just like my mom. And to watch that is excruciating. 💔 especially when you care about them.

But is life and life happens for reasons … things that are meant to be occur … do for reason… something is meant by it.

A lesson or something? Or preparing you for

what’s to come? Or building you to be strong?

My lesson is probably to learn to control the bleeding heart thing. – no idea how to not feel that. Is life – so until I figure out – gonna keep making me go through it

So there was that today. 💔

He is very dear to me… some of my strength and healing is because of him.

youtube.com/watch

Anyway – let’s speak of something else because that keeps making me feel sad.

I looked at 2 places today… one was a house… the house was wicked cute… totally loved the house itself – but I did not like where it was and would not be ok location for daughter and work.

So I say no.

Then they took me to see another place … but we didn’t even go inside … it was awful right away and I just called them in their car and said “you don’t even have to show this one to me, it’s a no”

Did not like immediately … area/place etc – hated everything about it.

Anything you could HATE about a house – was that house… was awful. Total waste of time to even drive there. Nope. I didn’t even want to see inside. We didn’t stop.

I want to like and be at peace where I live… I didn’t like it and there was zero peace.

Work was fine

Funny how work is being chill… but life being all crazy. 🤨

Well at least work not being insane because I need balance somewhere.

Adulting kinda sucks sometimes.

I do not like this week.

youtube.com/watch

This is all part of life – but I just do not like the sadness or loss.

I guess you do need that though…

youtube.com/watch

I didn’t fall asleep at 6:30 because was a lot going on tonight 😮 I am fully exhausted 🥱 😴

There is a lot going on currently in my life 😮😮

Ok I have to sleep – I’m soooo exhausted!!

Gnite 😘❤️✌️

They arrested the person who posted the Instagram photo of a gun and threatened the school.

No shooting occurred thankfully

They said hardly anyone in school yesterday … they had maybe 1 or 2 people in each class .

So… what teaching moment is there?? Is that it and we just move on… someone else’s problem to deal with this person?

Parents created that – you think they know how to fix? There is a saying – takes a village to raise a child

This is the issue… things happen… people expect someone to handle …and nothing has changed 🤨

Stupid gun laws are not going to do shit

People kill people

EVERY TIME, I tell someone I work at funeral home – immediately they ask how creepy must be.

At first, when I first started was a little unnerving 😳 yes… I remember the first time I had to check an ID band 😳😳 … they were stiff and cold. But to look at her, she was beautiful and looked so peaceful! And wasn’t a young woman- was elderly woman. She found her peace. The first time was little weird, but then after many, it no longer phases.

Does not even phase me now… Other than imagining the life they left behind and people they touched – but in no way is it creepy. Someone still has to care for our dead… if it was you – you would want someone who would care.

A body has normal bodily functions and things, this is just a part of life. So all that I can comprehend – doesn’t bother me – I’m a mom also lol ✌️🙄

But point is… I somewhat desensitized from death? I don’t see as creepy or gross – I see more compassionately – but that’s how it formed for me.

Sometimes if is homicide or something tragic, that hits me in sad way. And we always want the family to have peace, so that can be a difficult tight rope walk! Those are little heart wrenching but not creepy.

With all the social media and social unrest and also exposing our children to things that they should not be shown so young… a young mind needs time to mature and understand themselves, as well as the world.

And then we wonder – “who’s gonna fix this”? 🤨

Yet we just throw everything at them.

I was one of the last generations to actually HAVE a childhood!!

Just sad.

Desensitized by the world and not comprehending the effects. 🤨

When do people wake up or grow up?

Where are the teaching moments ??

Sadly missing HUGE opportunities for change!!

And then that’s frustrating!! Because regarding certain things … I want to just say “MOVE” and take over lol ✌️ that immediately comes to my mind… but with people, not computers ✌️

youtube.com/watch

It’s funny because all these people exercise, eat right… care about their bodies… bodies bodies bodies

But they don’t get how to raise a world ☹️💔

Nothing will change over night – takes time to clean up fuck ups ✌️

But doing nothing, does nothing.

Small things to start. Like when you have to clean or organize… if you just see the mess can be overwhelming and exhausting. But just pick a pile or area and take from there. Pretty soon you will be so proud that you stand back and adore your work … yeah see … relate to things for change then not so overwhelming

But people just have to listen (which I might add is not a strong suit 🤨🙄) 🤦‍♀️

At work, I have same title as others – there are 3 locations. So 3 office managers … we do our jobs but we are each different and have strong suit.

One loves planning memorial parties and get togethers – so she plans those things for funeral home outreach – come know us 😘 … we aren’t scary lol … we are very funny … compassionate and funny – thoughtful and kind… come meet us ✌️

One loves putting together lists… lol … lists of numbers or addresses or things needed etc … so I always have tons of info for whatever lol

And then me… 🤨 … I am strong with handling things – you got issue? – I will handle or solve lol ✌️😄 … you need someone for something? I have contacts and connections – with people I trust

I just don’t like particularly having to handle my own stuff lol ✌️😘😄 (in personal matters – at work -I handle it)

Well anyway… that point is – everyone has a strong suit… what is your strong suit? Maybe if we all learn where we strong, then we work together?

But ya know whatever – “dreams”

youtube.com/watch

Lately I have been coming home, making dinner, laying down and literally falling asleep 😮🤨 at fricken 6:30pm!!!!!

Twice now that happened 😑 then I wake up wicked early!!! To early… like now – 2:30 am 🤨

So I have to force back to sleep or end of day is bad and I tired again lol … I do not want to be falling asleep at 6:30PM!!!

I am going to say it is because of cold and darkness – covers call my name and darkness makes me tired lol

I am counting down to December 21st !! 🙌 every year that is my turn around point – once reached December 21st then spring is going to be around corner …

December 21st is always shortest day of year 😝😝😝

But once it hits that… then lightness starts to come back and then spring and summer ❤️❤️❤️

So yeah – every year once fall starts – I count down to December 21st lol ✌️

Ok I need to force sleep because is way too early!!! I won’t survive tmrw if I don’t

🙏🙏🙏 hopefully can

Gnite 😘❤️✌️

Work went fine yesterday. 🤨 compared …

BUT… I go and pick up my daughter from school …

So because something is seriously wrong with some people… there was a threat 🤨

A photo of a gun was posted to an anonymous Instagram account 🤨 and then said would show the school who they were on December 8th, and under the photo was caption that said shoot it up 🤨

Ya know that shit is NOT something to joke about!!!

So my daughter will NOT be in school today – I work at a funeral home and there is NO WAY I am sending her!!!

Not at all ok …especially after one from Michigan… I’m not even posting anything else about that…

And you wonder why people don’t like people 🤨

Cut the shit!

But with the way the world is, it does not help matters! ☹️

How sad for the state of humanity ☹️ makes me very sad to think of 💔

youtube.com/watch

Just telling you because this is way world is – look at that! And these are young minds!!

Not just as a country… but AS A WORLD… how do handle mental health like this?! What can we do?

So many things influence!!

Hmm… well what to say?

So it’s time to leave death.

The work life balance is not good and it explodes for preventable reasons every year – corporation and management issues.

The job itself I love ❤️ … but the crap I do not…

I also have amazing coworkers who are like a family to me ❤️ I hope to keep them ❤️

Some I do not and are nothing but 2 faced and do not care about families. I’m tired of bullshit and I’m not playing games

The commute is also really hard and I am not loving like I used to?? I want to love what I do and still have life lol … I want to be closer to home

It’s time. So I was doing that this weekend.

youtube.com/watch

And then guess who text me today 😮

No it actually was not “I love you man” lol – although I have not even had the time to handle that. Not to mention stress level.

It was country boy? So I don’t trust his motives.

He texts me every couple months or on special holidays to say “Happy/Merry whatever holiday… and then asks me if I doing ok 🤨

So what do want? Why care and why contact me? State your purpose.

I responded back because what is this?

I don’t know if he checks to see if I change my mind – which I do not… I know what I want and isn’t a lot to ask so if can’t do then what is purpose?

I do actually give him time of day because …

When my family was dying off and I was going through cancer… he would pick me up and take me to do things or to places that took my mind away from what was really going on.

For moments he gave me peace ❤️❤️

So I always tell him thank you and I will always take his texts or calls

I think he just wants to be my friend ??

Which would also be weird … because we literally are completely different – not one thing in common

So why??

I don’t know whatever

I suppose I can be friend. He was always there taking me away from death or cancer ❤️ so if he needs anything yes – I be there.

Sometimes i wonder if he does that to make me think of him? Keep him on my mind… just as I move forward … this is how he reminds me.

youtube.com/watch

Hmm 🤔

So not sure with him. My mind does not change on this … and I am not a Trump’er… I’m really girly

He is completely opposite of ALL that. So what purpose?

I can be friend …but there is also a fire 🔥 … so I don’t want him near me with that fire. Sorry but no ✌️ yes fire for sure … so nope… I don’t even want to be tempted – nope

Every time he texts I feel something / and I do not like he knows that. 🤨 cause of this…

What’s your motive?

Oh and I was telling someone how we were different and things and I said “ I am soft and he is hard”

And they said to me … I only know what you mean by soft because I know you… but normally when a woman is soft – that means she is needy

😮😮😮 I did not know that 😮😮😮 to me a soft woman is something completely different 😮😮

Funny how that is huh? Different meanings for same things? 😮😮

And then also this weekend other languages came up to be a thing…

Guess which country was the accent in question lol … was Ireland 🇮🇪 😮❤️❤️❤️

We talking to someone in Ireland for ship-out.

And then that made me think …

We have to SERIOUSLY pay attention, completely, to understand the English they speak … because accent sooooo thick… absolutely love it ❤️❤️❤️ … but we seriously have to pay attention lol

But anyway, am just curious

What do I sound like to someone else speaking English from another country? Does someone from Ireland have to pay attention to MY words, like I do to theirs? Even though both speak English? Heavy heavy Irish accent ❤️❤️❤️ I want to hear her talk all day long ❤️

Well I have to get to bed, I’ll talk more later / we run late tonight and all weekend 🤨

Good night 😘 😴 💤🌙 ❤️

Breathe 🧘‍♀️😮😮😮 omg just breathe!!! Whew

I’m done.

It’s coming. 😮

Death is coming to end … ☹️

Problems in every location – about to explode again! I can’t go through that every single year! I am way too exhausted!!!

My boss is slacking so … I’m tired – we are all exhausted.

My best director wants to leave – one of the other office managers wants out too… all the original core team who have been loyal and hardworking and we went through absolute craziness together 😮

So I think the time has come? ☹️

I have a lot on plate ☹️ it’s too much, without any support. I’m too exhausted.

So we see – just saying

About to go back into the fire 🔥 today

Meh… I love the families and helping people

But I am not loving the work environment

The core team and some of the new are amazing and I adore them ❤️

But there are others who don’t care about the families or the job. And California laws are crap.

This is someone’s DEATH! Not a taco stand 🤨

So I’m exhausted ✌️

I gonna look around and maybe jump ship ☹️💔

Bleh.

The death of death 😮😮😮

Well… I am familiar with death so whatever

We see what happens 😮 dun dun dun 😘✌️

~ sigh~

There are moments when I am silent, because I am thinking something through?

I don’t know what I want 😮😮😮

So I really love what we do… and I was really loving my coworkers…

But what if I left? 😮 uh oh

What if I want to get away from death? 😮

Ya know?? Maybe is time?? Shhh

Because “life”? 😮

So I do not know 😮😳 I am thinking

So I am silent… from everyone, not just you lol ✌️

It got a little peopley … I just be silent 🤫 not bad thing. Just clarity

Ugh 😑 that guy is still asking me back out and nope I just can not deal. Instead of saying, after you have readjusted to getting back, let me know maybe we hang out… leave it chill and back off

Not full force – I can not do full force… and if you moving with full force, there is something you do not want me to see.

And I do not want to even deal with that whole thing – but evidentially I am going to have to 🤨😞

It’s gone on the entire time… he texts … I do not respond. I am silent – just a lot and I was going through things – I just couldn’t

He’s bit odd 🤷‍♀️ ugh speaks a lot about love – way way way over my head and nope. Does not even know me! I don’t even respond

Ok so I will eventually deal with that 😞 I’m so tired

With the way my life is with death currently – that is my life… I don’t really have time or energy for things ?? Nothing seem worth it or fit anyway?

Ugh ok … I must deal 😑

youtube.com/watch

Also I’m just not interested. I didn’t have to say any words – he dug his own grave (ok pun intended lol)

I got too many red flags 🚩 🚩 🚩 … 3 strikes and you out 😘✌️

You just can’t come and say like you love someone when you don’t know them. He does not know me at all. He just wants to jump right in and nope!

And he’s little weird with it – it makes me really uncomfortable 🤨

Immediate pass ✌️ If not me, will just be some other girl.

Whatever – I have my reasons and my logic ✌️😘

Ok so – have to deal with that… 😑 ugh I don’t want to … but if I do nothing – he will keep texting omg … ok fine. Ugh 😑

Ok – bleh – I’ll handle it – I already said we just be friends!!

What do I say? – listen I don’t mind being your friend but I can’t do any pressure from anything right now… I can handle friends only and nothing else.

So that’s either fine or not. But that’s the deal. And I don’t mean be my friend and keep doing all that 🤨 … I am gonna need space – not that I do not like him as a person… I totally do… which is why I am ok with being friends. But you can’t just be instantly close

I am house/pet sitting for a friend with many animals 😮 I am taking care of them lol ❤️

There are usually dogs but they are somewhere else … instead there are 2 cats 🐈 🐈‍⬛ … one is really old lol … and the other is really fat lol ❤️ … said with much love 😘✌️

Also… lately I have had many things go on… and questions as to what I want … sometimes I am just quiet. There are times when I like quiet … “peace”

So I’m just questioning what I want and my direction 😮

And then a family I gave my cell phone number to… had called me a month ago to say they suffered another loss in another state – could I please give recommendation and I did… I got a reference and knew they would be good and also taken care of …

The woman has been texting me past couple of days and says how incredible thankful and appreciative she is ❤️

So I made big difference in someone’s life

That’s also hard to leave ❤️ “impact”

I really love that… to have given another comfort. ❤️

If I leave I will miss that… you don’t usually have that same impact in regular office jobs lol ✌️

So like every time I think about leaving death… it throws something like that at me lol ✌️ …like a lure lol

I dunno. We see.

This week… I am going to some dinner with the Asian Community Chamber of Commerce 😮

We do that to get name in community and offer support. 🙌❤️✌️

I have to say … Chinese funerals are my favorite ❤️ I love the love, respect and traditions – is very touching and beautiful ❤️

Well the ones I see anyway ❤️

So… dinner … I think that is Wednesday night

youtube.com/watch

I can do socializing and parties … I am social and I smile a lot … but I just prefer simple and peaceful.

Sometimes I do not want to go to something lol … ugh just for reasons … but then I’ll go and it will be fun lol

I am just not the type to go out for socializing like that. Not really my thing.

I’m confident so I don’t have a problem socializing…

I just prefer peace always … ahhh see be my escape, dangle peace right there – perhaps no one knows what that is?? 🤷‍♀️

Ok so… I will have to look really good that day. I try to look good everyday lol … but this is event – so must be “extra” lol 😘✌️

I think I have something really awesome 👗❤️

So… I will be socializing on a night this week 😮 lol … I also never like going out on a work night lol… but here I am gonna be doing that 😐

I look like a socializing person lol … and I am confident and also have a (self proclaimed really funny) sense of humor ✌️😘 I am not shy with business 😮 lol

But I’m not really a socializing person lol … I’m a quiet type lol … that’s why you go slow 😘✌️

It’s odd to explain… I socialize pretty well because I moved around all the time growing up … so always made friends really fast – had to.

I just don’t socialize usually, because I am addicted to peace ✌️ lol ❤️❤️

So… we gonna see how this week goes.

I am not really sure where any of my thoughts are with most things …

Except I am absolutely positive I have to deal with this guy issue 🤨 ugh 😑

I am a little afraid to leave death 😮 there is signs like death is persuading me to stay and then I will see repeating numbers in good way – shhh yes superstitious with things … just let me ✌️

So when I start to question … death always shows very persuading reason to stay?

So I know it’s just me being all weird but seems to be that way.

I was just cooking and totally grabbed something the wrong way and totally burnt 3 fingers – they hurt so bad ☹️

See death didn’t want me to say that lol

Anyway… so I’m thinking about things and how to deal ✌️ … what I actually want. What’s ok.

Off subject and crypticish … I watched this thing on YouTube with this young man 😮😮 he was from another country and everything he did was impressive!

I don’t want to say what lol … or where he was from lol … I’m just saying pretty impressive young man – he could literally do everything 😮🙌 😮😮

Also… my taste and smell are completely back 🤨I liked not having taste for a minute… that was fun

The smell part I didn’t like when I could not smell my perfumes or lotions. I smell them all now. I can smell everything again. Not smelling bad smells was a bonus lol ✌️

Ok well… my fingers are gonna blister 😮 lol

youtube.com/watch

youtube.com/watch

I’m not sure what I want – but we see

…not gonna put up with any crap… if can’t be human being – I’m out ✌️ … also … if jealous and insecure I am not gonna deal with any of that either

** but again… I do know what I want with a man – so that part I got down! ✌️ it can not just be whoever sorry … so whatever ✌️… I am solid in that area – I am not willing to play games, unless it is actually fun game things lol ✌️

Also don’t quickly put pressure!!! No no nope…

Yeah nope – “peace” … key word is “peace” 💋✌️

So I just need to figure out – what I want in life? Cause hmm? I feel exhausted with death stuff a little bit but that’s also aided by this problem employee.

And then just tons of stuff in a lot of directions 😮

Ok well I have to get to bed… it’s really late – it’s already way past tmrw lol ✌️