I am bothered… so I didn’t sleep last night.
I keep thinking of everything going on – which for the most part… I’m dealing ok… best able as much as possible. It’s not that… I can handle things life throws at me… not perfectly or anything, but ya know I do ok
And I was totally fine – until country boy broke me 🤨 I think it’s that… cause it bothers me. Alot… so I need to release that?
I met him in the fall of 2014… right after something really devastating in my life… so … anyway… we just became friends.
He is not overly close in distance to me… so just ya know a joking on text or I would get to see him when he wasn’t playing baseball… he took me with him to watch his games cause I love baseball … he would take me way out on his boat… so much peace…
When I needed an escape and I was too overwhelmed… he would just take me away? Make me forget, give me balance ❤️
So … I really liked him.
I was still cautious with things with him… just because we lead our own lives … and I put in effort with him too.
I always make him feel special, I remember every birthday or holiday… I love desserts so… sometimes I would bring something with me.
I have met his kids – who are grown as well…
But he has not met mine… I don’t bring anyone into my life … when I am sure 100% … then you can meet my kids. Until then – no one meets them… you think I am protective with myself – I’m even stronger with that when it comes to who will be around my kids. They are my heart… so I don’t want anyone coming near them, unless I know for sure. They don’t need to know unless someone becomes important to me. Period.
They have met no one… of course I don’t date people so there is that too 😄✌️
But I never brought him to meet my kids because there was just a feeling holding me back… I wasn’t sure.
I felt just guarded. I can’t really read him that well. So I don’t feel totally at ease? I can’t explain that… there was just something holding me back.
I’m just extra careful… what I went through in my marriage – I never want happening again. So I’m careful and guarded.
I never dated as an adult… I was young when I met my ex husband… 17. And then I was married until a few years ago, when it got real bad and I left. It was awful. My ex is awful… still is… and I still have an intense fear of him.
Anyway… I never want that happening again. So I’m gonna take my time and make sure it’s right.
Country boy was the first man I’ve ever let come close to me as an adult.
And he is wicked cute and hot … his smile can just melt you!! Seriously it does. And yeah he plays baseball so he’s hot like that ⚾️ … very good looking.
None of that is what caught my attention… I always thought he was just so sincere with me… and through some really devastating moments – he knew when to take me away? His peace in that caught my attention.
He always acted like a gentleman and was really respectful… we always had a fun time and laughed – I enjoy time with him. Totally.
But ummm … I didn’t feel at ease completely because we still lead different lives and he is not a man that um?? I am used to? I don’t know his type?
Sorry, I have a trust thing… I need to know you. You can’t just be nice and think that’s gonna do it for you – it’s not.
And then, he had 2 women severely hurt him prior to me coming into his life… like severely hurt him… so ya know he has his own guards – I know that… I am careful with that, because I can feel that. I can relate in ways?
But I am not going through hell again… and I want something
So whatever …
I am a certain type of person… so I dunno … I am not open to being hurt. So I just guard myself.
Anyway… back in November… he wanted to sleep with me, I said no … he got upset – told me to leave him alone … so I completely walked away. I will walk away. I will cut my losses and just let that be… it wasn’t meant to be… if he was going to be like that then I made the right decision. Bye 👋
And that was it.
It was hard. I remember all his kindness … and ya know I went through some really devastating moments … he helped me through those.
But if that’s all you want then, wrong tree. So I just walked away.
It was hard though, I was sad. But bottom line, that’s not what I want. So ok.
I hadn’t heard from him until we started shutting down… then he started texting me, putting in effort, saying sweet things … ok I will listen. He was always kind, so I can be kind because he gave me those moments when I needed it …
So ya know whatever … I was listening … people make mistakes so what do you have to say? Ya know?
Yeah, he said he misses me… he likes who I am – blah blah blah
Alright… so then what’s up? I was just guarded because there was something I couldn’t quite put my finger on??
Found it! 🤨
And this is why you be cautious…
When he came by the other day… and we went and talked… we discussed a lot of things.
He wants to see me, he wants to have me in his life 🤨 (I make that face for a reason)
Like I said, he’s different than what I know… so very country, very um just complete man?
He is a gentleman when he’s with me… he’s so sweet… thoughtful – knows how to treat a woman or whatever
It’s just the words that come out of his mouth do not match his actions ??? So I don’t understand …
I couldn’t believe what he said to me… I’m glad he said it though. Thank you for giving me a clear view. I appreciate the honesty.
So he told me… he does want me, does enjoy me, does want me in his life … ok … but then he turns around and says …
Yeah, until my shit stops working or no sex, then I have no use for a woman 😮😳 wait what??? What words did you just use? lol
That was a punch to the gut… what? Yeah umm no 🤨 what is that? What did you say?
So you want me for sex as long as that lasts and when that’s over you have no use for me?… is that precisely what you are telling me?? Yup it was 😳
Umm?? He obviously thinks I am someone else. Cause no, what use do I have for a man? I do fine by myself…
And I don’t need anyone making me feel like an object you can set up on a shelf and take down when you want until you’re done and throw away…
I am girly … I’m not the best at “man” things… it sucks – I hate doing man things… but whatever I learn sometimes … other times I will ask one of my man friends or some of my friends husbands will help me too. But only when it’s way over my head and I have no idea how to do? I will get my hands dirty, and I will try to learn what I can – I have never completely been on my own before
I was raised a certain way… for like 100 years ago but whatever … still not an object.
I am just very girly… I like cute pretty clothes … I like to look good, smell good… whatever – just what I like. I like girl stuff. I’ve always taken care of myself, stayed in shape, take care – ya know that stuff. I like make up and perfume, lace and ruffles – “girly”
Anyway… I told him no. I told him I want something specific… I don’t want just right now. And I don’t want to be thought of as a “use” … like I was a tool or something. Wrong words to use with me. But again appreciate the honesty so I could make my decision.
And then when I said no, not what I want … he said well you don’t have to leave my life either, I would like you to stay in my life
Oh? Well I see that a few ways …
First of all… I walk away from things I can’t handle or know is nothing right for me. And I do have feelings for him. Is best to walk away. Sorry it just is.
And then from his view – what’s his motive for that? Why? Cause I don’t let anyone come in and you think I need someone? You think you are my best option? You think eventually I will give in if you come close enough? What is the motive ? What you want?
Why would I entertain that when I am just there for a use?
And then – what use is he to me? That is nothing what I want… and he can’t give me what I want … so what use do I have for him then? What so I can have a man in my life? Yeah whatever
The reason I mentioned above that I am girly is because I do need help sometimes and I am a girl!!! I do most everything by myself … there are times when I need help… just saying
And ya know. My devastation through things has been really hard to stay level headed … I lost my family, I went through cancer, I had a horrific divorce. Now this. Just as I was standing up for the first time.
Whatever ya know… I don’t want what he wants and I’m not willing to settle.
Just because he’s cute or plays baseball or is good to me – does NOT mean he is meant for me. He’s not.
He wouldn’t be healthy for me… and I would just not be able to be with him either … because of his words and how he wants it… there is no way I could comfortably be at ease. And I have no interest in being a “use” like that in that way. And I have no use for him…
If that’s the way he wants to see things – let me turn that around… if I am only a use to you… then if I were to see you that way… what “use” are you to me? I’m am not getting what I want? But you get everything ? Nope
Why would you even come back in my life? I knew I needed caution still!! This is why I have caution.
He doesn’t want me to walk away… but doesn’t really matter what he wants if it’s not gonna match up.
Why would you even come back in my life with that shit? And you want me to stay? He doesn’t know who I am.
Bye Felicia … he won’t have any problems finding another woman… go do that. You don’t need me… so what’s the “use” in that ???
He also said… he doesn’t sleep around and he knows I don’t so why not? He thinks it’s perfect…
He said all this as if it were normal 😮😳 ok … so reasons why I don’t date or give my time lol ✌️
You guys suck! Just kidding – I know it’s not all … but some of you suck.
Yeah I am not ok with anything he wants in the slightest.
… and with his words – he just became useless to me?
Yeah. So ok then. Why come back in my life right now with that shit??? Rude
This song popped in my head – wrong woman … I will stay away ✌️ I’m out … his loss.
I misjudged who he was 😮 I was careful, because I don’t trust them, and I am not familiar with this area… yeah he picked the wrong woman – bye baseball country boy ✌️ … and with that he was done lol
Yeah see – sometimes I can have a little chip on my shoulder lol ✌️ approach with caution ⚠️ if you don’t hit those marks – you won’t have a problem … you say shit like that… yeah you gonna have a problem. Don’t come in my life with that.
Anyway … damn right American woman!! 🇺🇸
Learning Life 
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