Friday Plague & the text

Alright so… day went well… did my yard work, the boys came and helped me, then we all had a nice dinner. After dinner we took a walk and was just a really nice time…

Then we decided to play a board game and my oldest pulls out the board game version of “Plague” lol … alright well whatever … it was pretty cool… I do like the actual game Plague, Inc… and it’s very similar but on a board game. There is just a constant theme going on here lol… but was still very fun.

Had a very nice Friday night.

In other news … so that person texted me today…

I really didn’t think he even thought of me or cared at this point. And I wasn’t really sure how I felt when I saw the message. I was kinda shocked to see that message.

So this was a person who… was in my life for about 6 years… he was like a best friend? Kinda?

We helped each other through a lot of things… he was hurt by 2 women – and I wasn’t looking for or expecting anything from him. Just friendship at first..

I met him at my old job at the golf course… he’s a baseball player. He golfs too obviously.

I felt at ease with him because he had been hurt by those 2 women – I felt like if he knew that pain – he wouldn’t inflict on others? It’s a horrible pain to go through.

Well anyway… we had a lot of coincidences and we both had been through a lot…

He really helped me through a lot – and was pretty amazing … i was coming out of domestic violence … and he was so gentle and sweet – caring – went out of his way to always make sure I was ok

I once shared a really personal story with him about something my ex did that caused me severe fear with a particular thing… he took that story… and then picked me up one day, took me into the mountains and said “I wanna help you get over your fear” and he spent all day with me helping me with that… he brought all the supplies and even lunch… kept helping me until I no longer was shaking and afraid and could do myself…

I still remember the memory that caused my fear – but now the help and kindness he showed me that day – kinda over rides the fear? He taught me how to handle. That meant a lot, whether he meant it to matter or not… it meant a lot to me. Still does.

I never put any pressure on him ever… and he didn’t pressure me for anything either… it was very just chill. We just enjoyed each other’s company.

Also… he was there while I lost my family – he was there when everything was fine and then was there when they all started dying… and he was there through the divorce… and he was there through my cancer – all of it…

He would do the sweetest things like for example… during some of those awful moments … he would just say… ok we going away… be ready 😮

So alright – I would be ready… and he would come pick me up and take me to the mountains and we would go hiking or he would take me on his boat… just simply to give me a moment of peace while my sky was falling. He took my mind away.

Since he was a baseball player … he would travel a lot … and once even took me to Las Vegas to watch him play all weekend – that was fun!!

The first day… I just sat out there watching his game … and when the game was over – he came over to me looked at me and said “umm ok we going shopping” lol

I had forgotten I was Irish that day… and got a little burnt lol… so he took me shopping after the game and he bought me an umbrella, chair, cooler, filled that cooler with drinks and snacks, lotion, fan… anything you can think of to be comfortable watching baseball in Las Vegas sun ☀️

The next 2 days were way better lol … but that was sweet and thoughtful. Lotion and a hat would have been fine, but he made sure I was completely taken care of. Like a gentleman.

So yeah – those things just kinda put me at ease and let down my guards with him.

After that Vegas trip, I was with my mother … I was telling her all about it…

And she said … who is this man? You love him 🤨

No I do not 🤨

And she laughed and said yes you do… you should see your face when you speak about him… I have never seen your face light up so much then when you talk about someone.

She was kinda right – I was falling for him. I loved being with him and the things he did. He was just so sweet.

I still didn’t expect anything or put on any pressure for anything … I liked it being easy like that. I had peace with him… And he was so good to me… It allowed me to let my guards down … I enjoyed time with him when was able.

We both kept a distant to be kinda safe… I think for me – I was just nervous… and for him? I dunno – he too was nervous I think? Once you burned by people it’s hard…

Anyway… I let my guard down because he was an amazing man… I invited him over for dinner one night… and I never ever do that for anyone!! Haven’t before him or since …

That was a big thing for me to do… I was letting him come closer into my life?

Well dinner was nice… but we had a disagreement/misunderstanding?… and then he said words …

Watch your words – they can haunt you… you can’t take them back… they can be forgiven – but those words haunt.

We discussed what we each wanted and we were not on the same page. Which is fine – we can be friends but I want to pull back some, cause I am having feelings. If he doesn’t want what I want then that’s fine, but I need to just figure out things myself too. And I don’t wanna be hurt if we aren’t on same page. I was also trying to get a grip on everything I was handling at that moment in my own life.

I don’t want to repeat the next words he said … was not directed at me specifically but more so towards women in general… but it hurt … severely – I had never heard words like that out of his mouth so meanly. And then he said “just leave me alone”. You got it

You don’t have to tell me twice – I’m out – watch me walk away! And so I did. I went no contact. From every day texts – to nothing.

If those were his feelings then ok. He should know me better than to place any hard feelings towards any other women on my shoulders. I am not them. And have never given him any reason to even categorize me with them

I know my worth and those words were not ok.

He never said sorry, never tried to fix … that was back in November … and it was just done. Poof and gone

I felt like I lost my best friend … cause he kinda was… he knew everything – all the stories I can’t speak of … he let me say them… I could feel comfortable saying to him… I could say anything to him. He let me be free… he just let me “be”… and again gave me peace during moments I had none.

And then that happened and there was silence … so I felt that pain… and up went the guards, sky high.

Have not heard one thing from him since November… since it went silent with him…

So he texted today.

I was just shocked. Didn’t see that one coming.

And I’m a bit of a hard ass with this stuff … I don’t give my time to anyone now… and I don’t give chances – know what you have when you have it.

So I wasn’t really sure how to feel.

I kinda felt like “what do you want” but I didn’t say that. But I am highly guarded with him now. Completely.

Anyway… he asked how I was doing and was I ok? How was I handling all this coronavirus stuff etc.

He texted like it was nothing… and no time has past… and everything was fine … but whatever … he was making an effort so I can be nice …

So I just said we were fine and doing ok, still handle my stuff – handling coronavirus ok, finding some peace in isolation… then I also asked how he was, if he was ok and how he was handling things

Was pretty umm… I dunno – I feel distant and cold… the convo was quick and simple.

I didn’t say this either but… Why even message? Why bring this back up? You bored or you care? I don’t play games and don’t put up with stupid stuff.

I do fine and have peace by myself.

If he was feeling it out to see if I was still upset or if I still would speak to him ? I dunno? I almost didn’t respond.

I just felt that he did a lot for me – so out of respect for that … I responded

My guards are up sooooo high!! And it’s just different now… he made me silent with him… I don’t think I can recover from that?

What’s that saying ?? Fool me once shame on you … fool me twice shame on me

He had his chance – he blew it.

So I had mixed feelings on that text message… now you think of me? You bored and lonely? And then ..I also did appreciate how he was towards me “before” that one day. If he was reaching out an olive branch then ok, that’s fine- but keep a distance

Yeah I’m a little harsh… just protective. I don’t trust.

I would prefer if he just left it alone. Thank you for checking on me – appreciate that… just don’t wanna go down that road again… I’m over it.

I’m just a little bothered by it. I’m too guarded now… so ya know… sorry. It’s different now. All my guards are up. That is not happening again.