To be at ease… and then to smile

So… I’ve just been thinking… and I’m trying to look at this in a normal manner, it’s just hard to do that with this…

In regards to my police officer crush… I really don’t know.

He is very sweet, he actually does try to make me feel at ease… And I do feel at ease with him as a friend… very much

The part I struggle with … is letting him come in close. I feel …just nervous. It scares me.

I need to talk to him first before I can feel at ease … I need to tell him what I have been through and how that has effected me… I feel very private and feel I have to protect myself… I really love my peace.

And then on top of that… he’s gonna need to know how I feel about a few things…

I am gonna need slow. I am not ready for anything fast… I can’t … I don’t feel comfortable – I haven’t let my guard down with any man… and I really don’t know, which is why I need snail slow.

And he knew me before breast cancer – he was very supportive through all that… as a friend…

But ya know… I dunno… it changed a lot of things. I accept for myself… when I look in the mirror … and I see the scars and just how different is now… to me looking …is beautiful because I fought through that and I stayed strong and survived… so it is something to “me”

But the thought of someone else someday seeing – is a little much. Little overwhelming. It’s very private to me and very umm personal? And there is a lot of emotions with that. I don’t like severe emotions – which is what it makes me feel to think of anyone else seeing me??

If he can handle all that – then I can relax… but I have a lot of heavy and I still fight through things and I work alot…

I just want him to know these things cause I feel more at ease that he knows and would respect my boundaries.

So I just need to tell him. Cause I don’t feel comfortable without saying something, and I won’t get past it if I don’t.

If he accepts then ok… if not that’s fine too – and I am free. We stay friends only.

So I think I have to do that. Yes I know … I overthink… I just wanna make sure and I want to be at ease and I can’t unless he hears these things. Then I can relax.

Anyway… was just thinking about that.

And then to end on something kinda funny …

There is this song… lol my daughter hates it, but that’s probably because of me 😄😄

I love this song just for the beat mainly… but I kind of commandeered it lol … meaning I don’t pay attention to most of the actual lyrics and just sing whatever I want lol 😄😄❤️

That drives her nuts every time the song comes on 😄 I can’t help it… I just like it my way … I don’t even know the other lyrics cause I immediately sing my way.

This is the song…

It’s just funny – she immediately changes the song 😄

I however, LOVE when this song comes on!!! ❤️

I love music… I have tons of playlists … I attach music to everything… people, places, things … music is like smells … it brings back memories ❤️

Anyway just sharing – makes me smile 😊

Ok gnite for real ✌️