Oh boy…

Ok so… I have a teeny tiny crush… shhh!! Means nothing, and no way! Just no! I’m not ready.

So I just keep it to myself and say nothing. I am just doing my healing all privately and to myself. Love my peace.

It’s just a crush that’s all. End of story.

Ok so… 🤨… is one of my police officers … shhh… no way!! There is just no way I would ever say anything…

I have a really awesome banter with him … he’s hilarious!! Lol he makes me laugh constantly!

We click really well… and he’s been a good friend for years … umm …7 years 😮 … I didn’t realize that long until right now!!

I do have a crush – but it means nothing because I don’t think is a match and you know… I’m not ready and stuff?? I dunno… he’s just awesome.

Well I texted him something funny this morning, and then told him I went to get a coffee but drive through was pack so forget that…

He said just go inside

Yeah no!!! I am in a tank top and tiny little shorts – Not getting out of the car. Was just dropping daughter off – is my day off. lol … my ONE day off

So he says … well if you come through town let me know

I was about to head home and said … well I’m about to do a fly by… lol right through the center … I am coming that way now…

So I asked if he wants me to stop

He hasn’t seen me since god… when was the last time he saw me? Let me think… usually we just text – I stay very private … umm… last time I saw him was maybe beginning of 2018? So Oh my god! 2 years!!

No one has seen me… I just am quiet – taking in my peace by myself. Just healing. That’s all.

Well yes he does want me to stop 🤨😮… ok so didn’t think of any of that, cause I miss him always … I do enjoy his friendship. He is funny and I just like him as a person.

So whatever … I just wanted to see him too…

So he tells me where and I got to see him. Awww – sight for sore eyes for sure!

I hate when he’s in uniform though cause hugs suck!!! He’s got the vest on and the radio, all of it! So like I said … hugs suck with a officer in uniform lol … I also prefer to see him as a friend/person than a police officer.

But whatever – hugged him anyway, was good to see him.

We talked for maybe 5 minutes… he said his father passed away in November – we text and stuff but not all the time- I am busy with my things and he is busy with his. And I just keep a distance. You know – protection.

Well because I fell off the face of the earth with everyone and all social media – I had no idea… so gave him my condolences on that. It’s hard.

I mentioned I had no idea and don’t go online at all…

And he says – yeah what’s up with that?

Well I dunno – it was alot… ya know losing my dad, grandfather, grandmother… my mom has Alzheimer’s, I had cancer, going through a brutal divorce … I just needed peace so I took it… I love both the peace and the privacy. I needed to heal.

He knows my life – just generally

He made a point to mention he is single 🤨 oh nice

He asked if I see anyone… nope I do not… I work, have my kids and keep to myself. I just like the peace.

Then he said … ah, maybe you would like to hang out sometime? Relax have some fun or something? 🤨

Uhhh sure? I didn’t know what to say??? Yes I do like him, but I am also just nervous … don’t know my balance of distance with him.

Then we talking about where we are living – he knows I am out in country… I live very close to a stable where he has horses.

He asked if I lived alone – well yes I do… with my daughter when she is not visiting her father

He has been building a ranch out here in the country. It will be finished in June and he will move in. Then he’s gonna be near me 😮😳

And then he says… I’ll have to come over and see your place hang out…

Ugghhhh … yeah yeah sure sounds good

That is not happening – nope…

He knows my life somewhat… but has no idea how hard its been, nor the details of what I go through – I am highly private

I have a teeny tiny little home and I struggle – I don’t want him seeing that… I can’t – would be too heavy. It would just be really stressful and make me panic… if was a normal regular general house and I was doing good and not struggling – then no problem … but no way… not him.

I don’t have anyone over ever!! I’ve only had 2 people come over to my home since I have been here. Just friends… and I just can’t – I am definitely not ready for that. And not with him

Ugh yeah slow please!!!! Go SLOW!!! He’s lucky I said I would get together sometime.

I am just severely cautious – I know he’s a police officer and he is safe… I like that

But I am more umm ??? Shy? than he is… and I dunno… he has way more experience with things than I do… so just makes me nervous.

I know he’s a police officer – and has been a really good friend for a long time… but we have never dated or anything like that. Just make each other laugh a lot … with him I just have a really fun banter and we are both really funny…

I just don’t know if I can trust him? I am nervous with it when you bring this interest aspect into it.

So… he’s not coming over – boundaries … and I don’t want to move fast or anything… sllllllooooowwww!! Easy does it, let me be at ease

I can maybe do going out sometime… but he be first I have gone out with like that. So am highly nervous.

But could be just talk so maybe nothing to worry about.

He did make me smile and laugh today and I do miss him. I felt weird to see him again because I have not seen ANYONE so it’s just awkward to me – has been a long time.

I have these new boobs which I am not totally used to yet, not overly comfortable yet. So I dunno … little uncomfortable… I always thought boobs would be awesome and they are … but I dunno… I am shy with them around people – just new. Scars and is larger than before, stuff like that.

Not sure what he was thinking.

So …oh boy 😳 did not plan to see anyone today and I opened myself to that… whew – ok

Baby steps … and just because I have a crush on him – that means nothing… I am still cautious. Still not sure if I am ready or not… but I trust him more than most so whatever. We see what happens.

Why does that make me feel so nervous??? On the friendship level I have no nervousness… the interest comes in and I wanna pull back so bad!! I am nervous. But it’s him so I’ll see I guess – I still feel highly guarded and nervous though.

Bleh