Too many thoughts today!

Well that was a day ❤️ whew!! I am exhausted!

Came home cooked us a nice dinner. He is a meat and potatoes boy so… steak and potatoes. We talked all through dinner … I told him about my day… then we talked about his issues with his father. I just listened.

I told him anytime he wants to be here … just come over … don’t care if I am here or not – more than welcome to come to my house anytime.

My home is in the country… is peaceful like you would never know… there’s just a beautiful peace here… there is no rush of people – no loud cars – just the occasional cow moo’ing lol … or coyotes in the distance… maybe a dog or 2 … oh and a neighbor has alpacas and horses lol

But it’s so peaceful. Is a really good place if you need respite. This is why I chose this place ❤️

It’s very tiny – but I don’t care – it’s what I can afford and the peace is priceless to me.

He spent all day here – and then had dinner with me ❤️ we talked and laughed the whole time. I know he felt the peace ❤️ you need that sometimes – and he is my son.

He is always welcome if I am here or not… he is my son – my door is always open. He will never be without a place of peace.

He said he would be back over tmrw ❤️ I said too bad you can’t just stay … he said he couldn’t cause he needed to do this this and this for his father 🤨 he gets mad at him for a lot of things – his father had a temper so I don’t like that – I don’t want him to have this protection /guarded thing I do.

So … come to my peace whenever you feel you need that. ❤️ always here ❤️

Like I said is very very tiny but ya know we will make work.

And then on other subjects … such as my protection and guards … I keep wanting to say those words I constantly say… I’m not ready…

Ok well life is happening while I am not ready 🤨… but I don’t know how to be ready for things

I am scared … but that’s nothing – I can face a fear maybe ? Sorta ok maybe that’s it?

I kinda fear men sorry to say that. Cause I let myself be completely unguarded and got hurt so badly… in so many ways… so… at this point I do fear letting down my guard.

That Maintenence guy is a very nice man. Extremely kind and he has this ?? Umm … gentleness about him when he speaks to me? I still keep a distance and am careful because well first of all I am friendly and bubbly surfacely … but I am afraid to let anyone in too close …

I have been protecting myself so fiercely for so long… I kind forget how to be ok letting someone come in close? I don’t know if I explain that correctly?

My peace is dangerous because I like the peace of my country… and then also … I like the peace of not being hurt. So I am afraid to lose that type of peace? And how do you know? That’s a big chance to take

And don’t forget I was with same man since 17… what’s that? 30 years … 30 years of abuse and pain and hurt … and doesn’t end… even away from him.

And then at the same time – I know everyone is different and I know there are good hearted, kind, well meaning people… yes even men lol ✌️

I feel like I have a blockage? Or a terror?

Like for example … this Maintenence guy… he does actually have a gentleness to him… he is careful with his own words around me… he doesn’t know me yet so he handles his words and actions with care and I do keep a distance – I think he knows that? I can chat with him … but there is an obvious distance I keep there cause I don’t trust…

So he is gentle and careful and respectful … that’s all nice and sweet and everything …

But I need to know better and see how is typically. I need to see how is towards others and all that… I never again want to give my time to anyone who isn’t a good person (not to sound horrible or anything) but I don’t want to give my time to someone who will hurt?

Yeah it’s a huge risk to me… so am a little paralyzed. Bleh

I don’t want to be. But I dunno. Again I want to say “I am not ready”… but I say that with this all the time just so I can keep myself safe … easy cop out so I don’t have to deal with it.

Yet I want certain things in my life… so it makes me mad at myself too… I just can’t get past that fear

I have many men friends … no issues at all… I can laugh and talk to them – they are awesome … but then if they start showing interest … oh wait I’m not ready lol … and there goes the distance

I really don’t know how to stop that?? And life is very different now than it was when I was 17, so that’s a little scary to me too…

I’m older and I’ve had breast cancer and I now have massive scars .. I do like my scars myself because shows me what I walked through and survived … I oddly find it beautiful? But I dunno… that be overwhelming to share? That will take me a long time? Highly personal

I can freely share my story with the cancer … I am very open with that – if I can help someone else with that absolutely!

So I have areas I can be very open with … and other areas that terrify me

I am just very careful. So whatever – I don’t know how to fix that yet.

Otherwise … my life is going pretty good currently … now if court could just be finished and done with… or non existent then I be amazing lol … that’s my biggest fear I am trying to overcome – think I am getting handle on it? Maybe we will see.

Ok well I’m exhausted and I was chatty today. I am ready for bed.

Until tmrw ✌️

Gnite