Just a new chapter…

I wanted to share a few things regarding loss… or I think I do?

That was my dad’s chair.. and that’s his phone. They had just gotten back from a cruise though Alaska. They had always wanted to see that – he got to see that before he passed. I am grateful for that. They had been so excited. They were only back for a week and hadn’t even unpacked yet.

I can almost still sense him there even though time has gone by … I look at that picture and I feel my dad ❤️ I still can’t totally grasp it.

My dad loved my mom very much – since he was 15. She was 17. They were very old school… but good to each other and took care of each other… she stood by him through everything – and he protected her.

This next photo is my parents – you can’t really see them… so it’s fine… but this photo obviously was their wedding photo… it is in a sleeve that was in my dads wallet – he always had that as his very first picture in his wallet ❤️ my mom now keeps this close…

We let her hold on to some photos – but we don’t want her in pain or devastation constantly – that can make the Alzheimer’s worse to keep reliving that – they had never really been apart. They were truly connected. So it’s just hard. We let her have these. These mean a lot to her.

This is the neighborhood they lived in, located in Arizona – was always very peaceful … my mom used to laugh because they had these wild bore that would run the streets at night 😮😄… one night we were sitting out having coffee, and just talking … and we heard something 😮😳… she looked at me… I looked at her… was that you? No… you? No… and we both ran inside lol ❤️ this photo reminds me of that. We didn’t sit outside at night after that lol

And this last photo… just I dunno… I feel peace with it… the night comes and the day ends. It’s a beautiful picture … and just reminds me – take in everything you can before it ends. The sun will come again and it will look and be different – but is still another day. Find your peace and your happiness even through sadness you have to accept

I do grieve… but is hard because those emotions are intense. So I try to avoid … I accept it but I have a hard time with the emotions on it.

I miss them. I was not ready… and that’s another reason I get mad at myself for saying I’m not ready…

Are we ever ready ??? You just have to right? Ready or not!! You don’t get to make that decision if you ready or not.

So I do try to pull strength from that … I’m never going to be ready… so I will have to force myself to get through things I feel I am not ready for…

They raised me right… and strong – they are always with me in that… I can do this.

So I’m gonna try some things I am not ready for … well I will try to try lol… I say that… but then part of me is like whoa! Wait a minute you are not ready lol and I feel panic

But I really have no reason to… I know I am strong and I have made it this far… I can go slow… I will pull back anyway if it’s too much. Everyone has their battles

But I know what I want… in all areas … so I can’t be afraid

I am trying to pep talk myself – it only half works lol … I feel the strength but also the fear or the pain so eh – work in progress 🤨✌️

But I got this. I keep their memory always ❤️

I do believe things happen for a reason – so there is a reason I have to go through things … that will only make me even stronger ❤️ I want my life incredible and I wanna feel every moment. So working towards that even if not ready ✌️ just a new chapter