Upset

So… I have the worst lawyer ever – but there is nothing I can do about that.

Today while I am at work she is messaging me… I told her I want her in court for my trial. That is not fair that he has legal representation and I do not… suddenly she says ok we’ll get me all your information I have to prepare for this trial and you will have to start paying me. (Even through he is court ordered)

I am afraid to speak up to her because she gets angry and doesn’t listen to me – hasn’t – he is court ordered to pay and does but not enough to cover her fees – so she doesn’t care – and I get wanting to be paid.

He makes about $150,000 – I make minimum wage – he has college – I do not – this was a 21 year marriage – I raised the kids and took care of him, then and the house … he was abusive and an alcoholic and cheated …

This is a case of domestic violence but I never had him arrested … every time he hit me I was in shock and embarrassed… and then we had kids – I didn’t work… he couldn’t lose his job by going to jail and I couldn’t tell anyone or have any friends … until I started to try to get out.

He has been using the courts to do abusive litigation … he files motion after motion for me to prove everything and I do – and I listen and do everything my lawyer says and she does nothing to protect me. Including while I was going through cancer!!!!! While I was fighting for my life and had those emotions – I was still being beat down!!!

And there was no mercy when I lost my father or my grandparents or losing my own mother to Alzheimer’s… there has been no mercy through any of it … I am the mother of this mans children … how could I have not seen the evil? This is why I protect myself from everyone now 😭💔

So I think … well I’m gonna have to speak so I can get letters from everyone who knows me saying what kinda person I am and who I am. What they know of me. Crap… I’m not ready to come out to people yet 😭 … I’m not ready to explain all these horrors and how sad I am and how much I suffer and what goes on… I’m not ready to say that… I wanted to be strong and standing up before I tell my story.

Looks like life is gonna force my hand on this.

Cause I will need those letters to prove who I am and how I am.

I had to tell my coworkers at the school today and ask them for letters … and I had to tell them I had just had surgery when I got that job – none of them knew that… I was also homeless

Now I have to go to all my friends, my family, my former bosses, and my police 😭 they will give me the letters – I don’t doubt that – I have a lot of support … but it’s gonna make all those emotions come and I’m gonna cry… I hate crying… and I’m private!!! I want my privacy – I feel like that has to be taken away 😭😭😭 I have no choice

Today I spoke with a lawyer I spoke to many year ago before all this happened… I am getting a copy of the notes. I have to pay for them but I need them to prove – I had been trying to get out for years… but they called me back and said they no longer had those notes because was just a consult, I was not a client (I couldn’t afford them) So I no longer have that now

And then I have to go through all my court papers and summarize everything – quickly and easily … show the courts the abuse hopefully. It’s all right there even within the courts.

So I am about to have the hardest moments of my life … I do believe I suffer ptsd from all of this…

I have gotten myself a job right after surgery… I just got another job and I think I’m gonna have to look for a 3rd.

I really don’t understand courts 😭😭😭 I hate California – you have no protection here after 21 years – was just a waste of my time and my life … I have my kids … but I have to share them with this man who terrifies me.

I am very upset today 😭 dammit … I just want this to be over

I am not looking to be taken care of or abuse anything … I just need a minute to stand on my own and I will … but I need to be able to. I am exhausted and feel unprotected

I don’t know what else to do. So I’ll just put some stuff together – hope for the best but expect the worst.

I’m getting to the point where I no longer care 😭

Anyway – just venting – am upset