My price is peace

I am at the funeral home. It’s quiet here today. Kinda really like the peace. Even the music doesn’t bother me today. Normally 9 hours of the heavenly music kinda gets to you… but today is just peaceful.

I’ve been thinking. I really closed myself off. I do for others in need but I closed myself off.

I have hidden myself away from the world. Right now I find a lot of peace in that.

At the school, those kids bring me to life… I love being there.

Partly a reason I love being at the school, besides the kids, is I don’t have to worry if I will be hit on or not. I never have to worry about that – I don’t have to have my guards up. I can be at ease. Relax, not worry.

And the funeral home, lol well I am really tucked away being here. I only work the weekends and it’s quiet – I got all my work done yesterday. I have a couple quick things to do today and I look around to find stuff to do. I just answer the phones and do anything they need me to do or whatever… unless there is a service going on it’s pretty quiet.

I don’t have to see anyone usually. I am really tucked away… also not hit on here lol

But I have completely sheltered myself. I feel protected like that. I find peace in that.

In my life … I want to have stability – I want peace and calmness. I know life will continue to throw stuff at me… so I want the other areas of my life to have a “peace” to them.

I have a friend who warns me “peace” can be dangerous. I guess? Cause I do love the peace ALOT!!! Is quiet and silence when other areas of my life are not.

So I dunno. It just feels like for right now I am where I am supposed to be? But is that because I desire peace so badly?

There is a reason I still fight for my life… I battled through that cancer and survived – I was lucky … many are not. That was very traumatic, especially without my mom.

So I dunno … I am tired and the peace really helps me with that. So I’m not sure. I do like the protection but I do see how I have sheltered myself severely.

I just don’t trust or believe in things I used to.

I still help anyone I can through whatever it is … and I am trying to learn things … so whatever I guess, just saying.

Every so often – I do miss life … I live my life but also protect it… so I don’t know how to unshelter … and I don’t want to lose that peace.

I am scared to lose that peace with what I have experienced. So I don’t know how to do that yet.

My price is peace… I want that