What I can handle …

Today I had lawyer and court stuff which maybe I will talk about tmrw – one heavy thing at a time. Is night time and the court and lawyer things kind of exhaust me and make me panic. So maybe tmrw.

Until then, I did write that man back…

I was very polite and honest… told him I keep my catholicness to myself and have some hard feelings there. I politely declined his offer to go to church.

On the next issue… the recovery… I told him that my thoughts and feelings were based on the experiences I have gone through and are not directed at him personally.

I just can’t have a recovering addict in my life again. Right now I am trying to find my own peace just as he is. The hurt and the pain caused by my ex and his issues and addictions, have severely altered how I feel. I just can’t have that in my life at this time.

I thanked him for his offer of help … but I am learning to stand by myself right now. I do struggle … and appreciate very much… am touched … but I can’t accept. I’m doing ok at the moment. I am surviving so far.

Anyway… that was all very hard to say. I feel bad for the way I feel and what I feel I can handle …but it is the truth for me at this moment, I also feel I shouldn’t feel bad for how I feel. But it makes me feel like I am placing judgement – it’s not that… cause I am not… It’s just what I am able to handle and also I want peace – that is not in any way peace to me.

So. I guess that’s it.

I do feel kinda bad ?? So I dunno. He was nice and kind – again was not directed at him personally – it is just what I can or can not handle at this moment.

Bleh