Life … it pushes you 🤨

Bleh… so I have been very silent to everyone who once knew me, while I recover and heal from so much stuff.

See the thing is, they all know my life very in-depthly… so they will ask me questions and they are all curious, and want to know everything and then they haven’t seen me since my cancer … they have not seen the new me yet…

I’ve been silent and laying low… just because I need that peace… I’m not ready yet…

My body is different now… mostly the same – but I have larger breasts that what I did before cancer … not that it’s a problem but it brings a lot of attention and I shy away from attention always… I clearly did not think through the size very well.

I used to get lots of attention before that all happened because of the jobs I had… I was very active, well known and loved in the community…

And one of my jobs – I got hit on a lot … in a job it never bothered me – cause that was part of that particular job… but in my own life – I run from that. Not too sure what difference is, but whatever … I am way more shy with it on my own time than when it’s for a job.

Now I hide away at a school… and funeral home… and then I hide away in the country…

So no one really sees me and I stay quiet so they don’t know what’s happening with me…

Right now I just really need that peace … I want to heal… and then once the divorce is over and I am on better footing … THEN I’ll come back… but I’m not ready yet…

But life… well it pushed me today 🤨… my life seems to push all kinds of lessons on me and then pushes me to get through things I am not ready for yet 🤨 … dammit!!

So… I’m in the grocery store with my daughter… I’m trying to hurry cause I just wanna get my stuff and get out.

When all of the sudden someone says my name 😮…

Oh my god! So I turned to see who and was someone from the job that I got hit on all the time.. him and his wife – I know them both…

I was happy to see them – I just wasn’t prepared to see anyone … they asked me if I was ok…

Yes I’m ok – got through it… working at a school now – I did not mention funeral home cause yeah, let’s not bring too much up…

They kept going on and on about how “beautiful” I looked… and my 13 year old daughter standing right there saying “see mom I tell you that all the time” 🤨🙄

It’s not that I don’t think I look good… I’m just ?? I dunno ?? I’m not ready to be seen yet? I guess ?? It’s weird ??? Was a lot so just trying to readjust myself.

Anyway… then they said … everyone misses you and asks about you, they all want to see you again.

I know they do… I miss them too – I think of them too… I will come back… eventually … I’m just not ready at this moment

My surgery just finished in July 2019 – so am just coming to terms with all that and losing so many people and this divorce …

I’m just not ready.

It kinda gave me a weird feeling to see them and talk to them… they said they couldn’t wait to tell everyone how great I was looking and doing… they had huge smiles looking at me the whole time (I know everyone was worried for me and they happy to see me better)

I’m not ready for attention again… I’m really not. And then I like my life private and I currently “need” my silence

Evidentially life does not think so 🤨

So I’m not really sure how I feel about all that today… it was like when you have moved forward and suddenly your past comes back at you?

Whoa!! Totally not ready … I will be … eventually … just not yet. I’m not ready.

So anyway – life pushed me today… almost as if to try to make me come back or make me start being ready.

It just is overwhelming to me at this moment. Let me absorb and readjust, then I’ll be fine.

I will come back… I want to.

I hate always saying “I’m not ready” cause when am I going to be ready then?? And I certainly don’t want to miss life…

But I just need a little more time. I need my peace a little bit longer – I’ll get there – but in my own time. (Hopefully)