How to be hard?

My landlord … she’s just amazing – she always checks on me. Makes sure I am ok. I feel, I dunno? She makes me feel safe. She makes me feel good – not afraid.

Every month I pay my rent in full on time – no matter what.

She knows I struggle … she knows my story now.

For the month of December – she wouldn’t let me pay rent because she said that was my Christmas present from her. ❤️ … and because of that – I was able to get my kids a few gifts from me … if it hadn’t been for that… I would have had nothing for them. 😢

I was very thankful … when she did that I just cried – yeah I am a crier with stuff like that.

So she’s been out of town and just got back and I texted her “hey – I have the rent, let me know when you are around and I’ll stop in and give to you”

To which she replied… you can give to me tmrw, but are you sure is not a hardship? I don’t want you stressing

She is always checking ❤️ I love her for that… I don’t ever take advantage of anyone for any reason and she helps me when I do truly need it – without her during Christmas – I don’t even know what to say.

And then, I want to pay rent in full on time … I don’t want to owe – if wasn’t for her and allowing me to rent this place here… she gave me the peace of the country, she kinda gives me a feeling of family even though she is not blood, and I’m not under her mercy… she’s amazing to me.

I don’t know where I’d be without her allowing me to come here. She gave me a safe place for me and my daughter and good home.

I just got my new job so that will help some unless courts decide to take money away? I only make minimum wage.

My oncologist tells me “ I dunno what’s stressing you out? But I NEED you to get rid of whatever it is? I need you to have no stress or as little as possible in your life” ha! Yeah!

Lol … I don’t really answer him… what am I gonna say? That’s impossible right now? I just smile and say “ok I’ll work on that.”

What does he want me to do? Die? Cause yeah I got stress – I handle the best I can … is what is.

He just doesn’t want me stressed cause he says that can relapse the cancer even with the breast tissue gone.

I don’t tell her what he tells me… cause she will just worry about me more. I’m ok. I’m getting through it.

One thing I really need to learn – is how NOT to cry with these things … how do I make myself harder ???

I need to be hard in court. I am not allowed to cry there. So I don’t know how to do that yet – I am soft

But anyway… my landlord is an amazing person!! I am thankful and lucky to have found her and be here!! It has been the world to me…

I have a home for my daughter … and I work very hard … we don’t always have things – like new clothes or even sometimes I go bare bones with food…

I have amazing friends who always tell me … if you need food here is my key… you come and you shop on my cabinets in fridge

So again – how do you not cry??? Even my former boss at the golf course tells me – if you need food you come here – I will get you food. Everything for you is free.

I don’t like to ask for help – and I want to learn to do for myself … when I am desperate and my daughter is with me – we will go to someone’s house for dinner or whatever. They always send us home with food.

People have been amazing to me through all of this. ❤️

But anyway… I was speaking of my landlord … I want to pay rent in full every month – on time… eventually – I want to be in a better position and I want to use her as a reference, as her tenant. I want her to say – she is a good tenant – she pays every month and is a hard worker

I also don’t want to ever owe her – I know she is kind and probably means what she says – I like that I can kinda take her at face value even though I am kinda guarded …

I made a commitment and I want to hold true to it. I keep my promises, my beliefs and my morals. I don’t take on something if I don’t think I can do it.

I know she doesn’t need the money… it’s not that… I pay in full every month for myself – I am very humbled and umm??? Appreciate her kindness … but just let me.

Last week I did something for her … and then she wanted to pay me for gas for doing for her – I said no … I told her you help me always – I appreciate that… and if ever I need leeway – then I will ask. But until then … let me do.

Anyway … she really is amazing. She actually cares ❤️

So yeah that sorta thing does make me soft and makes me cry… so I have to learn and figure out how to be stronger in that area.

I’ve just been hurt so I dont know how to do that??? I don’t how not to cry with that soft stuff … I can feel it in my heart and then that creates the lump in my throat … and then when I speak of – it just downpours

So I have to figure out how to NOT BE soft!!! Or sensitive ?? I am not allowed to be that way for court so I need to figure this out. I don’t even know where to begin.

How do you become strong in this area? I really have amazing people in my life ❤️ I am truly blessed – how do you not cry with that? Or things?

I have to train myself to be harder for court – but I just don’t know how? I’m supposed to be all hard and I don’t know how to do that.