Thinking

Ok so… I need to figure this out…

Alright… so… let’s talk currently… right now I have a lawyer who my ex is court ordered to pay… what he is doing is paying like $50 here and there to say he is paying – but obviously that is not enough for a lawyer. So she doesn’t protect me or want to do any work for free – and I can barely afford anything. I am scraping by. My lawyer threatens to leave my case if I ask her too many questions… and then she also bullies me if I don’t do everything she says – like if I don’t want to sign something because I feel it’s wrong – she again threatens to leave me.

She is basically just having me accept everything he wants which is to make sure I get nothing.

He makes $9000 plus commissions … I make minimum wage at both jobs. And that’s only after my breast cancer was done… I wasn’t even getting enough to survive through that – I was lucky I had my friends. I am very blessed with how many people care for me. I do not like to ask for help so this has been hard and I feel at mercy.

On a side note… he was an abusive alcoholic and put me through a lot and continues to every chance he gets …

In court, he tells the courts that I am a drug addict and alcoholic – which I have never been …I took a test for the courts at the beginning and passed… he was supposed to but didn’t and has never been held accountable… I was with the police for 4 years needed alcohol/drug testing for that… I am at the school with kids – same thing… and I literally just took another drug test to get this funeral home job – passed every single one – and I can pass any test given to me at any moment in time… instantly or not.

He tells the courts – was me who was abusive … I have never in my life been abusive to anyone, any animal or any thing. I volunteer my time constantly and can easily provide character witness at a moments notice

All through my losses and breast cancer – he came at me hard through the courts – I was homeless while battling ALL of it… I stayed strong. You couldn’t do that on drugs or alcohol I’m sure?? I remained strong- fought for my life in every aspect.

I still do.

My current lawyer does not care – she isn’t paid – I am unable to pay her – he finds away around everything… so he pays as little as possible to say he pays… I was a stay at home mom and right now I am trying to get on my feet – I am not asking him to provide for me – I helped him pay off student loans he had and further his career – raised the kids and gave up my life … stood behind all his hopes and dreams – and even held his hand through his hard times.

However that’s on me… I stayed hoping we would build a life and it would get better. That’s my fault. And here I stand

While all this has gone on and I have struggled with everything – he has taken the kids to Disney, bought himself a new car, lavished the kids with anything they want …

I don’t really understand how the courts don’t care … welcome to California

Anyway – like I said – my fault … I am catholic – I believed in marriage and stayed loyal to someone who didn’t deserve it. Ok

So let me absorb that. Was my fault for staying so long. 21 years…

He has a history of mental illness and abuse – but they won’t let that into the courts because it’s personal medical records.

Ok… so… next up… so I did like this lawyer – he is blunt and honest … actually cares and was actually the first lawyer I have met that is somewhat human.

He went to Harvard Law school … I am from the east coast – so I like that and I like his style.

He gave my choices and then told me what he would do in my position…

My choices …

1.) self represent – although with a slimy lawyer and him playing dirty – not the best option

2.) stay with current lawyer – sometimes staying with what you know – better than the unknown – but I at least have a lawyer “better than nothing”

3.) shop around different lawyers and find a new one (which is going to cost me money I do not have)

4.) go with him…

He said if was him – he would not stay with a lawyer he did not trust or believe in.

While I agree completely – I can’t afford a lawyer and for my ex to be court ordered to pay- that’s not in his best interest so he will make sure I don’t have that security … he doesn’t want to lose or have to do anything for me…

So… he said he would take my case if I go back to him… but he wants $4000 upfront and charges $400/hour.

I don’t have that and can’t afford that… I can barely stay afloat and just scrape by… I don’t have my parents or anyone who can help…

So I’m kinda feeling cornered.

We are coming up on the trial. He plays dirty and I am terrified of losing my daughter. I am still terrified of him.

I kinda cried a little bit when he said how much he charged – the lawyer gave me a whole box of tissues to take with me.

I need to learn how to not cry even when I feel my heart bleed or feel sensitive.

I am strong – but I am also soft

How do I get rid of the soft? I have always loved my soft – but I am not allowed to have it here – I need to be mega strong to go to court – I can NOT show ANY emotions whatsoever in court

So I don’t know how to do that yet… I am a strong woman yes… I do believe in myself

But all this really terrifies me – so I’m not sure how to handle or what to do.

I am letting go sort of – I do still worry and am still afraid he will take my daughter somehow 😭 … I don’t trust him, his lawyer, the courts or my current lawyer and I would be a fool to try to do myself – he plays too dirty … I am not a dirty player

So I’m not sure how to think – my head is kinda throbbing from crying.

This is my last thing I need to make it through to the other side with… then I can move past it

I fear this greatly.

So… I’m trying to think of ways to come up with money – but I really don’t have any options there. I might just have to accept as is and move forward

I am alive – so I am thankful for that… I am strong – I went through a lot… I am resilient – I am still trying very hard… and I am a good person – so I do believe it will get better someday.

I try not to panic or cry – I want to learn how not to do that. How do I be a stone with emotions so heavy? How do I let go and be safe ? I can’t tell you I am not scared because I am.

Obviously this is another lesson I have to go through. I’m just tired.

So … I guess that’s it. Like I said above – my head is throbbing from crying right now. Feeling little bit stuck – want to move past this so trying to think.

I’m not sure how to proceed here – this is the one thing that I am stuck with… so I’m not sure yet.

So I just need to think. But right now I need to close my eyes – my head hurts too much.

Gnite