Good and Bad

Ok so good and bad tonight… let start with the good, cause I like good ❤️ …

So I am house sitting … remember the box? It made me smile – I was worried because I didn’t know if he knew me well enough to be giving me anything… and I still hold a distance because I don’t want anything? I don’t want to lead anyone on or anything like that. He is a friend and that’s the end of it. Period.

So I don’t want to look into things but I do want to make sure he is aware I am not ready, and I don’t want anything. I think he is, so shouldn’t be a problem… I think he was truly just trying to make me smile as a friend – I just want to make sure.

But anyway… we got here and his alarm system texts him when anyone puts in the alarm code… so he texts me after 5 minutes (lol) and says “did you get your box?”

I said “no hold on, we just tending to dogs – let me text you back in a minute” so we handled the dogs … then I went to the night stand that had the box in it…

When I saw the envelope wrapped about a box I took that out and opened the box (I already knew envelope had money for helping him)

I was a little impressed … he does know me or just got lucky? Lol …

I am really big into perfumes and lotions – I am a huge smell person… I like to smell incredible always… smells for me are memories … memories of people or places … so I like to leave a memory behind.

He got me a $75 perfume from Victoria’s Secret which I love

Nice one!! I was impressed – I don’t really tell people that memory thing, so he figured it out, or like I said got lucky lol … it made me smile – was a nice little surprise ❤️

Still careful and still guarded – still not ready … but that was nice – very nice. So I texted him thank you … I love it. Is perfect.

So yeah that is my good…

My bad 🤨… ugh I don’t even know if I want to get into it. 😑

I had to give tough love to a family member who I care for and worry about dearly!!

So that’s really hard … but I had to… it’s just a bad situation and I have a lot of heavy myself … I have always been there – but I just can’t at this moment. My heart just bleeds not to help… and for someone I love so dearly and I worry. Tremendously!!

We all have lessons to learn in life. I’m sorry – it breaks my heart and ya know so many have been there for me… so I want to give back and I always do… I feel guilty for not helping but I don’t have the means and I have helped for over 30 years… and it wasn’t created by me.

Also at some point in life you have to take responsibility no matter what… so it just kills me inside to do tough love – I don’t like that and I feel guilt (I’m Catholic 🙄) and I worry…

It’s just hard because I have so much love for this person… more than you can ever imagine – I am like a 2nd mother to them… so I feel obligated …

But at the same time – I struggle also, and I work my ass off – and I am trying to better my life …

When I had cancer they never reached out to make sure I was ok… only when they needed something …

So I dunno – I just feel bad – I had to turn my back – not because I want to… it really kills me inside…

But because I can’t help them – I don’t have the means – and they don’t try to get better ever. I always hope – but it never happens.

And then I always think – people helped me go through things – I need to be there.

But in this case – they take for granted. I feel sad and want to be there want to help… but if I do – they never learn for themselves and I can’t support anyone else right now… I am trying to keep my head above water as well… so ya know?

They have had chance after chance – and both me and my brother have tried to help them and pulled major strings for them, and they cut them and burned every bridge …

My brother told me about 2 weeks ago he has blocked this person. Oh boy so I knew was going to come at me – was just a matter of time…

Today they tried to contact me on Facebook messenger … on both Facebook and Facebook messenger I personally have fallen off the face of the earth…

That was the only social media I had … after my last surgery I went dead silent. That was for me… it was too much. I had already been through a lot …

I wanted my own peace – I needed it … so I went completely silent everywhere. As if I just vanished … I didn’t respond to Facebook or messenger or text messages or phone calls …

The only people I responded to were family and my police.

So people are concerned – I am not ready to tell my story. I still need my peace, I am still fighting things.

So I have no means to help this person I love … and I am not willing to go back on Facebook or messenger …

As a matter of fact… do you remember me telling you about people trying to reach me ? They knew my grandmother?

Ok well – I still haven’t dealt with that … they are contacting anyone they can… they contacted my brother and my brother had no idea what’s going on until I mentioned it to him… he said someone contacted him trying to reach me for some reason 🤨

And then I do still have Facebook and messenger on my phone… so it does tell me when people post about me or try to reach me or message me…

My grandmother was Lithuanian… so suddenly I have a lot of Lithuanian sounding names friend requesting me

I am silent … I don’t open it… I’m not ready – let me just heal for a minute – when I get through everything then I will… but not right now. I just can’t

But anyway… I have to make sure I am ok before I can help hold someone up… I can’t hold this person up anymore and I have no strings to pull for them or things to give them, that breaks my heart!! Soooo much!

I help everyone so to turn my back for someone I love and to make sure “I” myself is ok is hard. 💔

But again – we all learn lessons. They SUCK – and I am sick of lessons!! But I can’t help them like I did before. They need to stand themselves

Tough love is really hard!!! And wouldn’t do if I was able to help but I can’t help them ya this moment

I don’t think they understand? So I just feel bad – really bad

And then one last thing for tonight…

While I did fall off the face of the earth for my own peace… My people make sure I am ok always whether I respond or not…

And then I have those who are actively in my life … as in daily… they are always making sure I am ok – asking if I need anything

I don’t ask for help – rarely … if at all… I don’t like that… is my problems – so I will fix them … I am always a good person and I do believe in karma – I do believe good will win… and if it doesn’t – that’s my lesson. But regardless I like being who I am. I like helping others … the reason I have so many there who care about me is because I was once there for them, I once took care of them somehow… I will do anything I can to help others no matter who they are …

Now that I am silent – they want to be there for me… I am just careful and ya know I want to do for myself … I love them for that though… and they make me feel very loved.

Someone in my life just messaged me because I have been busy … really busy… I haven’t seen or talked to anyone and I have the new job tmrw – first day.

They just texted and wanted to make sure I was doing ok, and how was house sitting going? And then also wished me luck for tmrw.

So I just think about how many people love me and how much I mean to them, how they are there … and it does help me rise from all these ashes (no pun intended)

I am touched ❤️

I tried to teach this person I love dearly how to handle things and what to do… but they they can’t or don’t want to? So I dunno? I feel bad…

It’s not my life and it’s what they themselves created. Right now I have to make sure I am ok and I shouldn’t feel guilty for that – but I do ☹️

So whatever … I have done for myself and still fixing myself… but I will help anyone through anything I can and am able to… but I can’t live their lives for them and fix their things … they have to want that too.

So anyway… perfume good… impressed – just cautious. Nice one – nailed it! Made me smile! And love it!!! ❤️

People checking on me – I love you … thank you… you lift me up even if I am silent ❤️ I am healing – please understand … I am not strong yet to totally come back… and those in my life who always make sure I am ok – I love you too… thank you for that. Thank you for coming into my life ❤️ things happen for a reason

And for tough love – that sucks – I don’t like that!!! Bleh!!! I want to protect you and love you – please understand I can’t help you right now. But I’m always here ❤️ I love you

None of my people will ever see my posts here – so I can freely speak how I feel… I tell them all how much they mean to me always – and how much I love them… not a day goes by I don’t freely speak how much they mean to me and why … the Facebook ones know me well… which is why they are concerned with my silence … I am just healing that’s all but I am ok for the most part … the one that has the tough love – she knows me – she knows I love her and would do anything for her – I have. (She is my sister) ☹️

So quite a mix of good and bad … I suppose that’s life right? 🤨

Well anyway… I’ll try to update tmrw after work? I’m kinda excited!

Gnite ❤️ thanks for reading