Family…

Today, I was talking to my landlords sister. I was asking her about lawyers and courts. She’s been through a divorce so I just wanted to hear her thoughts. Although she did not have much advice to offer because her divorce was simple. Mine is not.

I kinda opened up and told her a little bit … herself and my landlord have really been amazing to me…

After I had my last cancer surgery I found their listing for the place I live in now… I met my landlord and loved her immediately – she had lost her husband around the same time I lost my dad, and we both suffered through breast cancer. So there was just an instant connection.

She is kind and compassionate and a really good person, huge heart and always with a smile.

Her and her sister both took to me right away. My landlord reminds me alot of my own mom, very bubbly and friendly and kind… you want to just hug her and never let go. But I find them both very comforting right now.

I love being here where I live. I chose this place because it was what I could afford – I needed the peace of the country after going through so much. I wanted a place I could come to and have peace … I found that ❤️ … and a lot more.

Little by little they learn more and more about me. Sometimes I forget I might not have mentioned ALL my losses …

I excitedly told them about my job interview on Monday and explained I would be perfect cause I lost so many people, I have great empathy on that. I mentioned my dad and my grandparents … they knew about my dad… and they know my mom has Alzheimer’s, but I don’t think I ever mentioned all the others?

They paused for a minute, maybe to absorb that info? And then were so excited and supportive of the job interview

I told the sister what my lawyer does and how I do everything she says and even lined this up … along with continuing to apply to things just incase. I told my lawyer just responded “well better than nothing” … that was a cold and mean response ☹️ my lawyer knows everything I have been through.

I kinda got teary, and the sister said “what a bitch” lol which made me laugh cause these women are high class – it’s just funny to me lol

But anyway… today the sister turned to me and said “well we are excited for you, we are your family now, we won’t let you fall” awww ❤️❤️❤️

I do kinda love them like that too. And I don’t feel as terrified and alone as I did… I’m still scared – but having people like a family ?? I dunno I miss that.

So I have a family ❤️ I won’t fall. ❤️ it makes me feel stronger. They have touched my heart very much, they make me not feel as scared. I am highly comforted.

I have a story for you tonight about death … is my first experience with it. I was 7…

It was my great grandmother. She was Lithuanian… and only spoke Lithuanian. When I was little I could understand things like I love you and come sit with me… that sort of stuff … I don’t remember now – it’s been so long.

She used to call me “her little nurse”. She was always elderly and frail … so whenever we visited I would bring along my little doctor kit… as soon as we got there … I would be taking her temperature, checking her pulse lol … it’s funny to remember that. I just wanted her always there. I wanted to take care of her.

Well when she died, I was inconsolable. I had never cried so hard and felt so much pain in my life before that… my grandmother thought it would be best if I did not attend the funeral because I was too upset and so was everyone else – but I was the most upset.

And that was hard to me, I knew she was dead – I just wanted to say goodbye. I felt like I wasn’t allowed.

Weeks later, they took me to the cemetery plot to pay my respects … I jumped out of the car, shoved my face in the grass and just sobbed – they tried to get me to be ok… but I just wanted to cry into the grass … I was 7… I believed my tears had so much love in them, they would wake her up and bring her back to life for me… so I just sobbed into the grass. Obviously that is not possible, but you can’t tell that to a grieving child. You just have to let them let it out.

Until my grandfather said my name… look over here he said… I looked up and through my tears there were 3 pennies sitting there on the grave stone … I had not looked at the grave stone until that moment. I asked if he put them there, and he said no… and then said, “maybe Nana just wanted to let you know she was ok and would be fine. Her way of saying I love you too”

So that meant something to me at that moment at 7 years old… I took those 3 pennies and held on tightly to them. I still have them.

Every time after that, that I have gone to visit the grave, each time there were 3 pennies – even if I went by myself … so I started bringing 3 nickels … my way of saying “I love you and miss you”

I would lay them exactly where the pennies had been laid, and I would take the pennies and place the nickels

It was kinda like communicating with her? I haven’t been back in awhile – I live far away now. But sometimes I find exactly 3 pennies in odd places … it makes me think of her.

I don’t know if the pennies would still appear on the grave now that my grandparents have passed too?? But they are also buried there – they had a family plot.

I like to think those 3 pennies would still be there – just waiting for me. Saying “I love you, I am ok” ❤️

It was sad to lose her, but that became one of my favorite things. I’m sure it was probably my grandfather… he was that way to make sure I knew how loved I was, and he always wanted me happy

He used to take me to the bakery where all his friends would be and proudly show me off as his granddaughter ❤️

And it was awesome being at my grandparents!! Oh my god! Did they spoil!! I could have candy before dinner – fill up and then have popcorn and ice cream afterwards …

He would take me to the store and say pick out whatever you want 😮❤️ Oh my god! Lol what do I pick lol … it was awesome

And then I was his little right hand girl… and same with my grandmother… so if my parents got mad at me – it didn’t matter … they stepped in and trumped my parents and they couldn’t do anything cause that was THEIR parents lol… that was the best ever!! Lol

I loved being with my grandparents – my grandfather even had a boat… he named that boat after me. I would be like 3 or 4 years old and he would sit me on his lap and let me drive the boat…

I would floor it, until I got it to top speed – then I’d cut the wheel so the boat went up in its side and my grandmother would be holding on in the back of the boat – I used to squeal with delight!!! I LOVED that!!!

My memories of my childhood are pretty amazing… I miss my family. I had a wonderful life with them. I always cherished every moment!!

Anyway.. family… it’s important – to me anyway. Is safety and comfort, and love.

I was very blessed to have experienced such amazing moments with such love and happiness…

I am determined to find my sparkle again… I took a photo tonight (a selfie which I never do) and looked at it… I lost my sparkle… I still look happy – but a sparkle I used to have is missing – I want that sparkle back…

It will never be as it was, ever again… but I know I can find my sparkle again. ✨❤️ will just take time.

These were nice stories to remember tonight ❤️

Anyway gnite for now. ✌️