Becoming free…

Well I really have no control over things right now. So I’m just going to move forward and ignore what I can’t control, because that is tripping me up.

My lawyer tells me to do all these things, I do them, all of them… I do back flips to make sure I get everything done… but nothing is ever good enough and I’m exhausted – bottom line is she doesn’t help me, I have no protection, and just how it is. So ok… I move forward by myself and give myself protection.

I was a stay at home mom for 21 years, I supported my husband through everything, and raised our kids – I gave up my life to build a family. I just have a high school diploma. I was with him since I was 17.

It was abusive and when I had my first run in with breast cancer – he stood over me yelling at me. I had just had surgery and got sick, he was mad about that. At the very least, I thought he would be there through sickness. But he was not.

Right after that, a woman showed up at my door to tell me they had been having a 5 year affair.

I couldn’t take anymore, I had been loyal devoted and loving. It was my very first heavy hitting punch to the gut. Isn’t it funny, I could take the abuse as long as I believed he loved me – but when that had been severed … I could no longer take it.

I went to a government program to help abused women get out… they told me I would be protected and it was a 21 year marriage – it would be ok – the courts want to keep the family unit together as much as possible.

That was all a lie. But I trusted and believed in the court system, I had no experience with it and thought it was, at the very least, somewhat fair? I lined up a place to stay and took kids and left. I was never protected and courts never cared. They did not even care… he continues to throw mud and my lawyer tells me to be quiet – will look better on me – but I just get beaten up and he doesn’t follow anything the court says, but no one does anything about that.

… he takes revenge that I left … he has no mercy whatsoever. I have started from scratch, suffered through breast cancer, the loss of my dad, grandfather and grandmother – as well as losing my mother to Alzheimer’s. I have gotten through all of that in 3 years. I am now, hopefully, about to have 2 jobs…

I’m pretty proud of myself no matter what my lawyer says. I don’t trust or believe she will help me, nor do I trust and believe in the courts. It is severely broken. Am I am too exhausted to trust or believe anyone is going to help me but myself.

So… let me just ignore all of that. They aren’t going to help me at all. I’m on my own.

Now I just focus on myself… I have to ignore all that. I got out of the abuse, and I’m free. I’ve never been free before.

So here I am and I have a job interview for a 2nd job on Monday. I am excited about this new job… I think it is perfect for me…

I am still healing from the final breast cancer surgery, and kinda exhausted by all the trauma and loss… the losses I’m becoming desensitized to it. Letting go, it’s ok to take a minute and grieve – but you have to move forward – life does not stop because someone you love dies.

Anyway… this new job… they really like me … I wrote a introduction letter to them and within 10 minutes they contacted me… wanted my resume. I sent my resume immediately – and they called me within a minute or 2, to set up the interview on Monday.

I wanted a quiet job… just one where I don’t have to be “on” all the time. I want to help people get through the pain of loss – I had alot of loss and the pain is hard to process, but I know how to get through those initial moments now. I can help others through that.

And I know myself, I know I do better when I am helping others. I am not one to focus on myself. I hate that. I DO have to learn balance with that though – because you do need to take care of yourself. I have a hard time with that… but I think this job will also help me.

My job with the school and those kids – I love whole heartedly… they are amazing kids… I love all of them!! They have no idea how much they uplift my life… they bring me joy and laughter – which I survive on. They keep me young with their spirits.

This new job is a little bit opposite…

The new job is working for a funeral home. They need a secretary, to answer phones and people coming in.

I will be helping others through the loss of loved ones.

I have a lot of experience with that and think that not only can I help other people through that, it might help me process through things as well. I think it will be a good adventure. I am hopeful!

I can adjust to fit in to any situation … and I can keep my own emotions to myself. (Only here, do I let go)

However my personality is usually bubbly and friendly – I smile a lot … I am a happy demeanor type of person. I do bring light to many people, usually. Plus in person, I am kinda funny… I use comedy to keep my balance in life. I just hide my own stuff. It is true – you don’t know what others go through.

But I won’t be able to use that here. I do have a calm gentle way about me… even complete strangers feel at ease with me right away. I am compassionate, kind, empathetic, and comforting.

And I think this would also be a good job that I will love even if loss is involved. I believe it will teach me how to move forward and allow me to help others through such a horrific time.

Every time I go for a job, I end up with a job I love and fit perfectly in… I think I will fit perfectly here if they actually want me and like me.

It will allow me to just “be”. And I will be doing what I love most… helping other people through something.

So while it seems a bit morbid, I am excited… and of course it will continue to help me rebuild myself and my life.

I do really want this. So I’m going after it. ❤️🙏