Moving forward and thinking…

Alright… I’m kinda quiet right now… just reserved. Life kinda smacks ya – so I’ve just been absorbing… quietly.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and learning. When life throws things at you, sometimes, you just try to reflect and see things in a clearer light.

I have that divorce trial coming up. He doesn’t pay my lawyer even though court ordered – so I’m looking for additional jobs to be able to pay her myself.

I told my lawyer, for now I will send what I can – which won’t be much, as I do not have much to even survive.

My ex has been brutal even still. After a 21 year abusive marriage, where I stood behind him and raised our children as a stay at home mom…

The first lawyer I went to – took my money and ran. Did nothing for me, didn’t file or respond to anything on my behalf and did not file a restraining order to protect me.

I don’t want to get into all that cause it weighs me down and there is nothing I can do. He has everything and has all the money – so it is what it is. It’s too overwhelming for me. It makes me panic. The court system in the United States is broken. So I don’t believe in it anymore and I don’t trust it.

Right now, I have to look forward. I am out of the abuse so that’s a bonus. I have started from scratch – and while I still struggle massively and panic and all that, I am building little by little. Life is rough sometimes – but won’t be like this forever. I am exhausted, but I’m not giving up.

So other than that, let’s see what’s going on…

Well, like I said, I’m looking for other jobs, so I can create a better life for myself and my daughter and also pay my lawyer. (Not that paying my lawyer will help me – but I owe her)

I still have been withdrawn. I stay quiet – stay away from the internet and social media…

I am being bombarded all the time more and more by people wanting to check on me…

Part of me feels like I want to reach out… I miss them dearly. I kinda cry a little to think about it.

But ya know… what am I gonna say? My sob story? What are they going to do about it?

My life is not what I want it to be at this moment. I am hurt and exhausted… and I struggle so much with many things.

They message me through messenger and they text me, asking if I am ok, how am I doing, etc… I am just silent. I don’t respond. I can’t bring myself to.

I don’t want to have to tell my sob story until I am stronger and it’s better – once I have made it – I feel like then I can speak… but right now it’s all too overwhelming, and I don’t want to cry, and then there is nothing anyone else can do – this is my problem.

But then on the other hand, when I went through my medical things – the breast cancer and reconstruction, I was candid on Facebook – very raw and upfront … I had documented that journey for people – partly to keep family and friends updated, partly to bring awareness to breast health, and partly to possibly help someone else.

When I did that, everyone I had ever known or loved… jumped in to hold my hand. It was touching… I got to see in my time of need who was there and I got to see how loved I am in life. ❤️ That meant the world!! I was terrified I was going to die… and that really helped me through those moments. ❤️ I am forever grateful. These people mean the world to me.

I feel like reaching out is important – there are people who love you and want to be there or help in some way…

You are never alone, others may have experienced similar things or know how to get through what going through… they can help you

So I think of that, and the constant checking on me … it does overwhelm me a bit – cause I want to be a success story and not a sob story.

Everyone has a sob story – maybe not as severe? Or maybe worse?

But I need positive, not negative and then it’s really hard for me to share these things I am going through. They are huge to me…

What am I going to say? They ask how doing … am I ok? No I’m not. I’m trying to be… then what? Blurt out all the bad stuff and sob? Yeah I can’t bring myself to do it. So I am just quiet and keep to myself.

I am the type of person who likes to be the one helping others and caring for others…

At this moment, I am unable to do that for anyone else – and need it for myself which I find heavy.

I do believe I have PTSD, and it is effecting how I function.

I tried to get a drs help, but my ex plays dirty – misspelled my name and other things that have to be corrected through the insurance and his employer so I can’t even see a dr. I’m sure he did that on purpose.

But that’s ok – I can get through it. I think? The only problem is I am having chest pains from that surgery area so soon I am probably going to have to just go to an ER? I’ve been trying to tread lightly… but it’s getting worse.

Yeah I am not ready to open up yet…

And then I’ve been reading… one of my friends is into horoscopes and things and told me too look up my charts… she said it would help me understand and give me thoughts to move forward… she says I am hurting myself by holding on to things – which she is probably right.

Meh, I guess that can’t hurt? So I did. I read about myself I guess…

I do find astrology interesting but I have never really deeply looked into… but some of the things I read really made me think …

My horoscope is Cancer (which I wish they could call it something different!) 7/7… so my sun is Cancer, my moon is Gemini and I guess my rising sign is Leo lol… which would explain my fire sometimes lol

It said beware of clinging to affection and protection, instead of finding the courage to accept the harsh reality.

Well I do accept the harsh reality… I thought and believed I would be protected… and affection, well I don’t trust. So I know I am the only one who can provide myself with protection – and I am not looking for affection right now.

As far as having anyone come into my life romantically right now, I am definitely not ready.

It did also say… beware of isolating… ok well I don’t know how to defeat that one yet. I will work on it. I know it’s not good or in my best interest – it’s just my coping right now.

There was a lot to read – but one thing kinda caught my attention…

It really went in depth… so I’m just gonna copy/paste… this is from the website: https://horoscopes.astro-seek.com/birth-chart-horoscope-online

According to mythology, Chiron was a great healer, wise teacher and one of the immortal Centaurs.

Unfortunately, he was “deadly” injured by a poisonous arrow by Heracles, his favourite disciple. He was suffering in great pain but he could not die. Finally, he gave up his immortality for the benefit of Prometheus who was also suffering, and Chiron was sent to the underworld. In the underworld Zeus had mercy for him and he raised him to the heaven.

In astrology, Chiron symbolises our unhealable injuries and incurable trauma. However, if a person, instead of drowning in his own trauma, is able to accept the trauma and help others who are also suffering, and accept that suffering is part of life, then Chiron may be the key to wisdom, or even to some sort of “Initiation Gate”.Chiron in

AriesThese people may be traumatised by the fact that despite all their efforts they are not successful because they are not very proactive and assertive; they lack the appropriate dose of healthy aggression that is needed in a competitive society in order to survive competition with those who are too harsh and ruthless. They usually compensate for this with exaggerated activity, but the results never correspond with the effort they put in.

Chiron in the 9th HouseThese people are repeatedly forced to experience religious and ideology crisis and face doubts about the meaning of life. The world seems to them like a ship full of crazy people where no rules apply, and they are unable to find a meaningful place in it. They feel like trusting and naive outlanders, foreigners in their own country, while others seem to them invulnerable. Their injury has a name – spleen.

So yeah that resonated with me? (Lol … ship full of crazy people with no rules lol – that made me laugh) And I had no idea there was so much attached to a horoscope!!

I do lack aggressiveness and I am just a gentle person. So I do need to learn to be stronger

If I can readjust my ways of thinking and get past the trauma and the pain… I would like to use that to help others – I do want to be stronger – I could be misinterpreting? But I dunno – just thinking

There were just a lot that is making me think of how to move forward… and in life you have to learn lessons and get past things to move forward. I just have to figure out how to adjust and do that.

I am focusing on getting my life situated so I can go back and have all the people I love so much. I want them in my life… I just have to get myself there.

I really don’t know how to fix myself just yet – but I’m working on it. Like I said – looking for jobs and just thinking. Trying to figure out what holds me back and how to stop isolating. I hate that I feel more protected being isolated, because I also know that’s not the case. I have to break that.