Store and more…

My daughter asked for a few things at the store… she’s sick. Fevers always spike at night – why is that?

I looked up what time they were open until “tonight” and it said midnight (they all have later hours for holidays)

Well I brilliantly figured … I would wait until after dinner to go to the store… I had a better chance it wouldn’t be crowded the later it is… so I went at 6:30/7pm… it was already dark 🤨

It was perfect… not bad… there was parking and it wasn’t packed. It was just right…

So I get all the stuff… and go up front…

They got ONE checker working the front… so line was really long …

I stood in it for a minute … but yeah I just wanna get out of the store…

Fricken fine… I’ll do the self checkout …which I hate!!!

Ugh …it takes me forever … and then an item I was buying didn’t scan and it says “oh you have to wait for an attendant – one moment and one will be with you shortly” 🤨 this always happens!!!

Sometimes I joke with my friends and say god likes to fuck with me… cause …umm …he does !!

Ok fine …whatever – so I’m waiting… some guy comes over introduces himself 😳 puts out his hand 😳 and starts totally talking to me…

Ummm?? 😳… he’s talking to me about the holidays and stuff , and asking me how I’m doing 😳 what am I up to for the holidays? Oh my god!

Oh my god! Hurry up where is that damn attendant!!! It’s been a moment? get your ass over here!! Lol kidding , kind of… I AM patient … it’s just I don’t want anyone hitting on me …Oh my god! I wanted out of there so fast!!! Nope!!!

5 hours later 🤨 (that’s an exaggeration… was like 10 minutes – but Oh my god! Took forever!!! The checker guy also discounted my bill for the wait 😮 – that part was awesome! I didn’t know they did that, but that’s good, cause I was getting hit on – it’s the compensation for that lol)

Anyway, the guy is trying his hardest to get me to kinda talk … He is trying to get a conversation going …

I’m am not saying much. Just being polite, but with a massive distance. All I can think is … please don’t ask for my number over and over

Ok … look – I will be polite but no. Not happening … and especially not stuck at the stupid “SELF” check out!!

I don’t say anything I’m just quiet – trying not to interact!!

I just wanted to come in, get my stuff and get out!!

Luckily I was saved at that moment by the attendant – and so my focus goes completely on the attendant to help me get out!!!

The attendant helps me… I get my shit – and I bolt! I’m out ✌️

Whew!!!

Ugh 🤨 … I’m not going at night again! That was NOT as brilliant as I thought it would be. Dammit

Anyway… and then I was thinking … I really don’t think I am ready for someone. I’m just not.

I’m just getting my footing back… my life … all of it. So yeah I’m not ready. I have panic and stuff like that … I need more time.

I know time is dangerous… don’t waste it – and ya know – I want to live life to the fullest… I don’t want to die, before I got a chance to live?

I don’t know how to actually explain that last sentence, but time … ya know… you never know when could be taken away from you.

I think about that… but then yeah… I’m not ready yet.

And then I also think … which is more important to me? Peace or love ?? Bleh – I don’t like that question!!!

Peace is also dangerous… I’m falling in love with peace so???

But love IS actually important to me… I just don’t think I am ready.

If I was ready, I would be confident in that decision. I am not.

I think I need to heal more first, for myself – I think that’s the healthiest decision at the moment.

I was thinking – if I say yes to dinner with the Christmas party guy…

Well… can I let my guard down for someone?

I feel terror with that… and then for myself… well I kinda want to be ?? Umm?? I’m just not ready for that at this moment …

I’m not ready to share things about my life with anyone…

I have a hard time speaking about the abuse from the marriage – even on here … it’s hard cause it brings up emotions …

I can publicly speak about my cancer, but I can only speak about the medical aspect of it.

I don’t speak about the emotional side of it because it’s too overwhelming – I instantly tear up – hense sobbing on the doctor every time lol … I don’t like the emotional side of it – I want to avoid that.

… and the loss of my family, one right after the other… ohhh god

The divorce …

All those things!!! Oh my god!

Yeah I’m not ready – I still need the peace. I’m not there yet.

I can’t imagine myself… you know… conversations are gonna come up about your family… I will tear up … if I don’t cry! I don’t wanna tell that story!!

… that would be awful!!

And then… if he asks about the ex… I’m not gonna wanna talk about it at all. How do I avoid that? … avoiding is NOT my strong suit evidentially 🤨😑

I don’t want to tell or talk about any of my stuff … I’m not ready

All that stuff really overwhelms me severely… I stayed strong through all of it …

But …you know how when there is some kind of emergency or something and you jump into action… you have adrenaline? BUT when it’s over you are exhausted and a little burnt out? Almost like you wanna just collapse ?

Yeah that’s me… I am collapsing into peace?

So… I’m not ready for anyone to come in my life, I am not ready to share my emotions and be so raw … I’m not ready.

I am happy right now in my temporary peace. Let me just take a breath for a little while, by myself.

Ok so there it is… definitely not ready.

It’s too much.

I’m not ready yet – I need to heal for myself first, before I can take anyone else on. So alright then.

Now I just have to tell him I can’t do dinner. I’m just going to tell him, I’m really not ready yet sorry. Not that I don’t want to, cause he seems like an amazing guy!!

I don’t wanna be like – “it’s not you, its me” that sounds horrible!!

But I just went through ALOT of stuff. So I need some time.

I also don’t want to get into stuff either 🤨 …

So… hmm 🤔… yeah I’m sorry I can’t do dinner just yet, I’m just getting my life situated and I’m not ready to start dating yet – ahhh that’s perfect! And true!

Ok I’m going with that.

I think this is best for “me”, just right now. I am not strong enough yet to take on any major thing, event or person.

I was strong enough to get through everything – and right now I’m collapsing for a second. So yeah let me build my energy back up… I am absorbing peace right now.

Hopefully I build energy back… cause I dunno… I am kinda falling in love already with peace ?? I gotta be careful with that. Too much of a good thing is never good either. Moderation. I haven’t found my balance on that yet. I just need the peace right now.

I feel better with this decision. Is just better when I’m ready and at ease. I am not there at this moment.

Ok well anyway…

Gnite ✌️