PTSD?

So after last nights post, I was kind of thinking … so I googled some stuff.

PTSD… I had a lot of trauma… and then when I was reading about PTSD … I really don’t know much about it – I know military people can suffer from that…

The info I read was from:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

I am new to blogging so, not really sure how to state my references for the info – (plus I’m older and not familiar with protocol online) … but that’s the website I read from… I will comment on their things and what I have pasted… this is a long post and I commented again after the symptoms. I’m just trying to figure out, because something is wrong.

But anyway… here is what it listed for symptoms …

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

• Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event (**yup have this)
• Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks) (- **yup this too!)
• Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event (- **yup have this)
• Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event (- ** yup absolutely completely)

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event. (** yup I try to avoid talking about it to actual people in person.)
• Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event (**yup anything that even resembles anything bad – I’m out – I avoid)

Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

• Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world. (**… umm, not really, but I trust no one)
• Hopelessness about the future (** I don’t believe things I used to anymore and I don’t trust anyone – courts lawyers doctors – I miss my family… so yeah I guess – but I do love life and want life and hope – I do still hope! I just don’t trust in fairness?)
• Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event (** yes I sometimes worry I will follow in my mother’s footsteps)
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships (** I don’t trust anyone to let anyone come close- I’m not ready)
• Feeling detached from family and friends (** yes but I did that, I was the one who ghosted)
• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed (** yes)
• Difficulty experiencing positive emotions (** no I don’t have this – I am always usually bubbly and positive – just extremely private – but I am social, lucky to be alive, cherish life / just want peace… I am a positive person – I always smile no matter what)
• Feeling emotionally numb (** yup cause I don’t want to feel all those intense pain or emotions – I like to laugh not cry – I hate crying!! I won’t watch movies if they have the possibility of making me cry -not even a Disney movie)

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

• Being easily startled or frightened (** yup, totally jumpy)
• Always being on guard for danger (** yup – I am always on guard or feel fear or panic – except at school – I can put my guard down with my kids at school ❤️… but otherwise I am on guard!)
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast (** well I don’t drink or so drugs so no on that… I do like to drive fast … I like to move it, move it lol … but that’s nothing new – I am careful and drive slow in country because of animals – but in city – move it lol)
• Trouble sleeping (** yes)
• Trouble concentrating (**yes)
• Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior (** no… I am never irritable, never angry, and absolutely never aggressive – I don’t have those emotions? I don’t like them – so you guessed it – I avoid them like the plague. In myself or others… My emotions are happy, sad, sacred, that sorta stuff )
• Overwhelming guilt or shame (I do not experience guilt or shame … maybe shame cause I can’t understand or process my life now? With an actual medical condition I can speak freely about – but a mental condition? I dunno – I can’t speak… I feel like they aren’t going to understand ?? Not relate? I don’t wanna be crazy or have a mental condition. So I don’t feel comfortable with speaking about it. I don’t want to be broken – I want to fix it myself but I don’t know if I can? I want to be ok by myself for myself,..so yeah I can’t speak because maybe shame?)

So anyway… I think I might have PTSD? I do hate google sometimes because I don’t want to self diagnose? Ya know? Like WebMD lol

By my symptoms kind of match? Or I feel they do?? They seem to line up?

So I don’t know… I have a friend who was in the military years ago – since retired … I asked him if my symptoms sounded like it, and I didn’t go into a lot of detail – but a quick paragraph of all the trauma – he said… (I am going to copy paste from his text message…)

No PTSD is not a term designated to combat trauma. It is a brain defense mechanism to try and hide and forget mental trauma. Based on what you said you could be medically called PTSD. You have had a lot of bad things happen to you and your brains Fight or flight mechanism has chosen flight. This isn’t something you will likely get passed alone. I would strongly recommend you seek help to help you come up with a game plan and tools to help get you thorough this.

… so I do trust his opinion – so I think maybe I’m going to ask for help. Omg ok … I don’t like that.. I will TRY to work myself up to asking for help – I want to avoid that, so that’s gonna be hard! I don’t want to ask for help – and I’m gonna walk in there and not trust the doctors so ok … this is hard 🤨

Don’t prescribe me anything – I wanna see them be an actual doctor first… you gonna have to earn my trust, I wanna see you work and earn the degree you got – maybe change my diet or show me how to cope – teach me… if you can prove to me a medication is needed – I want and explanation of what will do, what are side effects, why I should take, why I should listen?? I’m not going to trust their degree … so yeah with a doctor – right off the bat… I’m not going to trust. They gonna have to earn that. Sorry. I don’t trust doctors or their degree. They are going to need to earn my respect – good luck.

Ok well I have to do something right – I kinda feel I do. Cause I am disconnecting massive. It’s becoming a problem.

I think I need help? Bleh… I don’t want to need help. That makes me cry I don’t want that.

Yeah this is going to be hard – dammit.

When the kids were little, and they had to get shots or something… I would always say… sweetie sometimes in life we all have things we don’t want to do, but we have to, because that’s life. Sometimes you just have to do things you don’t want to do. (I was normal and strong then)

So I remember that… I should probably listen to that… I just feel intense with it, so it is going to be hard. And I don’t want to feel all those emotions – they flood – I can’t handle it. I’m not ready.

I could go around and around because I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to say I need help. And then I will have to reface everything it’s all gonna come. I don’t know if I am ready – I am scared – I feel panic

Hold your breath and do it right? Don’t think just do. I will try – I do want my life back.

I’m just scared. It’s alot to me.

Ok so suck it up one more time, just do it – I can just say I will try.

It’s a struggle for sure. I get frustrated because I know something is wrong. But like I always say – I’m not ready … so I am going to have to fight that and just do it.

I can do this. What do I want? I want my life back. I want peace … I don’t want to live in fear and panic because it’s beginning to take over – I feel that constantly … except when I am at school – school with the kids is the only place I feel at ease. Without any fear or panic.

I no longer want to have that… it’s too much. I want that to stop.

So anyway. Ok… I just have to do this – I’m just gonna do this week – I can’t promise tmrw – but I will say this week. I am still scared. I don’t like this at all- either way…

I don’t want fear or panic and I don’t want help… so one of em gonna win – and I want my life back so I’m gonna go for the help. Bleh