What I don’t understand…

It’s probably me, but I really don’t understand dating at all. I was with my ex since I was 17. I’ve never really dated or experienced that.

To be honest – I don’t know if I want to. Yes, I am lonely and yes, I would like that…

But here’s the thing… I was put through a lot … and went through a lot of deaths and then the cancer … so now I can really only handle 1 thing at a time. I am just not good with too much coming at me.

I am the turtle, not the hare. Slow and steady.

I don’t understand dating really, because I am best one on one – not thousands on one!

I am not looking for any kind of hook up… I will pass on that. I just want a nice person who shares the same morals – can enjoy life with me, and won’t ever hurt me – is this possible?

I don’t really think you can rush or force these things – what is meant to be/ will be. If that means I stay by myself and handle in peace then ok.

But on the flip side of that – I do desperately want to move ahead in my life. I don’t want to be nervous or afraid or have that extreme anxiety – I want to stop all that but I don’t know how. Which is why I go slow.

I had 300 messages this morning … for someone like me… that’s overwhelming and makes me feel panic?

So I guess that means I’m not ready – right? Or just that this is not the right way for “me”?

I am way too old school and old fashioned to do online dating – it’s way too over my head. Which frustrates me cause I don’t like being held back by panic.

But again – I must not be ready or this just isn’t the way for me. So I guess for me I need the old way… but then in person, being hit on also brings panic – I am damned if I do, and damned if I don’t lol

I think I just need more time. I’m not ready. (I really hate saying that) Life doesn’t care if you are ready or not and to keep saying that just holds me back… but I just can’t get past it. How do you get past not being ready ??

I try to think “ok just hold your breath and jump” but I am frozen in panic with certain things. I don’t know how to stop that. Just time I guess? Kinda sucks

With all the deaths I went through… I always hated when people would say “time heals all wounds” – NO! No it does not… those wounds still make me cry and break my heart and they haven’t healed any… all time has done is force me to accept.

Same with the cancer – those memories and emotions still make me feel sad and overwhelmed – and the marriage and divorce – same thing … all time does is make them further away – but you still feel those emotions. They aren’t any lighter, just more distant and you can avoid them.

I have a thing where I avoid anything bad … life is good and bad … bad is going to come whether you want it or not… but I actually try really hard to avoid as much as possible. I don’t want to hide from life in fear or panic anymore.

Your experiences form who you are – but I don’t want that to define me or control me? So I just want to readjust that. I just don’t know how.

So whatever – I deleted that… that is way too over my head! I was meant for maybe 100 years ago – way before technology. ✌️

Happy Sunday!