Processing …

I was with a girlfriend getting coffee and catching up tonight… yeah I’m a coffee drinker – New England – so that be Dunkin Donuts coffee only – none of this Starbucks crap 🤨 but we went to Starbucks 🤨… because the closest Dunkin is far 🤨 … but California has a Starbucks on every corner 🤨… welcome to California lol

I understand that though, because the east coast is like that with Dunkin Donuts lol… so I guess I can’t really complain too much lol

Anyway… that’s my gripe of the night.

I had a good day/night. Was nice. Had coffee (although it was Starbucks 😝) …saw my friend… had peace – laughed, talked constantly lol … I love that!

That helped. It took me away from that panic. So, yeah, it helped. I didn’t even mention that, cause nope!!! Did not even want to get into all that!! Omg – yeah so I avoided lol

See “patterns” … ok so let me ask you this… to form a habit takes 21 days? Right? Ok… so what about to stop a habit ? And how do you stop panic? What if it is automatic, how do you control it? It just comes on… so therefor, I don’t like that… I want to avoid that…

I can not go around life being like “oh I don’t like that, let me avoid it” … Oh my god! You just can’t live like that! So how do I fix that?

How do I break myself from avoiding things that are too much for me? I do want life… but I am kinda of shell shocked ? I guess that’s how I would explain it??

In 2016, we separated – and started divorce .. that’s a whole story in itself (but not tonight)that marriage was abusive and he is horrific…

2017 – when my father died – we didn’t expect that, he had been sick before with cancer – but they always saved him and he was in remission. But that poison – the Chemo and radiation – it weakened his heart and he had a cardiac arrest – he was 67 😭… that was a huge punch and that just sent our worlds in a tale spin … and it didn’t stop

After he died, we learned that him and my mom were hiding that she had Alzheimer’s – and that was a blow… mom I miss you!!!!!!!!!! I was so close to her – I still am … but it’s different – I hate that disease … it slowly taking my mom away 😭 – I want my mom!!!!!!! It awful… be cause I have her there and I am thankful for that… but I’m losing her and everyday I miss her just more and more 😭 but she’s still here. I just want things back – that was too fast and just 2 huge blows – boom boom 💥 💥

Ok life happens you have to deal right – ok … so we took control of my mom and she is set. I have to accept my dad is gone – ok …

And then… a month after all that, my grandfather died 😭

And then I got cancer 😭 I couldn’t even tell my mom, they said not to because in an Alzheimer’s patient – something like that could loop a terror memory… I needed my mom… I needed her most at that moment than ever before!!! And then all those memories flooded back from when my dad had cancer – and then you are terrified you are going to die – but you have zero control – what’s going to happen is going to happen… so suck it up and deal

And I was actually very lucky … in all aspects with that… I caught early and had a good outcome – I am cancer free at this moment and I had incredible support from my community and from my friends ❤️ I am definitely lucky enough to know how loved I am. I felt very loved during all of that.

But that was another huge blow… that was so hard… that was why I always cried on my surgeon … and by cried – I mean sobbed lol … I really don’t think he knew what to do. Just keep explaining – I have no control over the sobbing lol …

All that halted my life for about a year and a half … like completely halted my entire life – and was suddenly doctors and hospitals and surgeries and disgusting things!! Ugh

So then in the middle of all that… my grandmother died 😭 Oh my god! What the hell god!?! Have mercy!! Can I keep SOME of my family please??!!!

And the this divorce is still going – we about to go into trial- he is ruthless – and only adds to the panic. But he enjoys that.

So… here I am. I am shell shocked by life right now.

As each one happened – I took hit after hit … so now I am paralyzed. I never had time to process the first thing before something else happened and now I can’t process it all – cause as you see here … I speak about it and I feel that massive pain and just so much went on!! It makes me cry and then not breathe!

So… now I avoid. Whew.

And then also… on the upside of that… I want peace – so I go out of my way for peace – I came to the country, lost power – so that was a stress, but it’s peaceful here.

I found where I belong and what I love in the country – that peace is incredible!!

I stopped looking or going on Facebook – which was my only social media – just family and friends … they are all worried about me… but I can’t – its too much right now.

I stopped watching the news, because I can’t – its too much right now. I stopped everything and live as peaceful as humanly possible.

So while that’s an upside “to me” lol… ummm I am very disconnected – I disconnected myself from life. Gimme a minute ya know?

I started this so I don’t disconnect completely and I can figure out how to fix. Or deal? Or move forward better – I want to be able to … well I never want life to crush me like that again! I want to be strong enough to never fear. Bring it. (I am not this strong just yet)

I like this. The blog thing… I can just write it down and then as I go, I can maybe overcome it?

I do feel 2020 being brighter – I haven’t had that feeling in years.. so hoping it is anyway – I am tired.

So whatever – this was emotional 🤨 ugh

So yeah – I just need to process and heal. I broke for a second. Life slam dunked me. Whew!

I’ll get through it – then I’m gonna be a force.

Gnite ✌️