Oh my god!!!

I have overwhelmed myself tonight … oh boy did I ever!!

I’ve told you why I don’t like being hit on. And I’m just starting to get my life back after the cancer and I’m finally finishing up the horrific divorce.

And I am kinda lonely. I have never actually dated really… I was with my ex since I was 17.

And I don’t trust – so I don’t know what I was thinking. Here was my reasoning to start with…

I thought ok… well in person I just get hit on all the time… so maybe it would be better online – I would have control

Nope no!!! Wrong answer!!!

It went worse than in person 🤨… and it’s still going worse!!

I don’t even know what I am doing – I don’t know if I am ready … I like peace … my demeanor is very gentle and peaceful

But I’m lonely so I thought ok let me just see… so I got an app and tried it… well you have to post a picture 🤨 I don’t like posting pictures – I like to be behind the camera – I don’t like that attention. I would make a horrible celebrity lol … which is funny because as a child I wanted to be an actress … my father said – oh stop it, they are a dime a dozen… so I never tried. He didn’t want me to, I couldn’t have handled it anyway. I am way way way too private.

Well anyway… I posted one picture … ONE!!!!!! Cause you have to … so I posted one from the summer… where I was wearing sunglasses … I wanted a discreet photo… one that wouldn’t draw a lot of attention 🤨

Well I must have picked wrong cause Oh my god! I am so overwhelmed – this is worse than in person – I don’t think I am ready!!! Oh my god! What was I thinking – I must have had a brain fart or something.

I don’t think I can do this. I am overwhelmed and it isn’t stopping. I quickly closed it down and am ignoring – I don’t wanna go back on!! Omg I have to, so I can shut this down – way too over my head

I like my peace. This is not peace at all!!!

This is the photo I posted… I have glasses on… hides my eyes … thinking it would be fine. Nope… too much – I was wrong

Oh boy ok… so I will delete that tmrw. I can’t deal with it again tonight!!

And never trying again. I’m not ready – that kinda freaks me out. I like peace – that definitely was not peace – immediately I had hit after hit!! Oh my god!

And then I think – is something wrong with me? Cause other normal people do this… why am I having such a problem?

I am trying to be ready for things. I wanna take on the world… but I don’t think I am ready – I am nervous and overwhelmed and it’s even worse than it is in person Oh my god! I really didn’t think that was possible!!!

So highly overwhelmed tonight. Whew – yeah that’s not for me… I’m just gonna stay over here in my quiet peaceful little part of the California country.

Whew – I seriously do not know how people do this!!

I am kinda saddened cause I really thought it would be peaceful and the attention would be different – but nope it’s worse 🤨

Ugh 😑… me and my big ideas – every once in awhile I think I can handle certain things or I have ideas – very similar to “I Love Lucy” Lol

Yeah all it did was overwhelm me completely – so definitely not ready for any of it.

I really want someone to talk to and enjoy life with- peacefully – but I don’t want the attention trying to find that.

I really don’t know what I was thinking – I didn’t think that through at all!!!!

I really thought online would be better than being hit on in person – nope it is not!

I am not an online person – this went all bad 🤨

I’m just going to stick to this blog only and not deal with that. ☹️😞

I am just better handling little things at a time. I went through a lot so I need to go slow.

Tonight showed me that. I really expected it to be slow and peaceful. Not all crazy.

Well anyway… ya live, ya learn I suppose – whatever – this is exactly why I don’t like pictures ☹️ I thought that one was ok – but no it is not evidentially.

I only like attention when I command it – like for public speaking or whatever… but I don’t like attention when I am the focus. Weird huh? Whatever

So not doing that again 🤨 what was I thinking??? I will stick to the things I know and like… no more trying crazy ideas! I’m good and happy in my own peace – I just forgot that for a second

Have a good night ✌️