Heavy stuff

Any down time I have, I want to try to fix some things. Or improve areas of myself… like that fear, panic etc… I don’t want those there – I want to remove them. I do not want my life to be ruled by them- I want to be free … I want to be strong … and I want to build myself strong enough to take more of whatever life is going to dish out. Good or bad… I just like to brace myself and be ready for the bad. All the bad in past 3 years just was one right after the other and left me breathless

But I don’t want those things controlling my life. So I want to try to figure out how to reset that… I would like to go back to factory installed settings? Wouldn’t that be nice – just hit reset. Lol – I wish

Ok… so I’m not very trusting towards men… friendly helpful and kind? yes… but I don’t trust them, am afraid to let anyone come in, and I am kind of fearful. I went through many years of fear and hurt. I always believed he did love me. If it came down to it… medically he’d hold my hand, he would be there. I had been there “always” for him. So I stood by him, took it. I believed it would get better.

The first surgery I ever had … 2013 … I had just come out of surgery… I don’t drink, do drugs or anything … but in surgery they give you a lot of drugs… they put me out and I had painkillers, who knows what else… anyway, he picked me up from the hospital and we came home. I laid down on the couch to sleep. I couldn’t do anything, I was so drugged up and hurting, I just wanted to sleep. My system was not used to all the medications.

He cooked himself a burrito, not even taking care of the kids, and that smell – mixed with all the medications – oh boy, my body was like “nope”

So I ran to the bathroom and VIOLENTLY started throwing up, I had never thrown up so violently in my entire life! I missed the toilet by just a little at first, but not a lot… and then once I was in there I made sure not to miss, I didn’t want a huge mess.

I have 3 kids – all birthed naturally – so because the throwing up was SO violent, it was also making me pee at the same time and there was just a horrific mess!! I had no control!

My whole chest was wrapped – I had just had surgery… Oh my god! I will never forget that… in between the violent throwing up i was yelling for help… I didn’t want to split my stitches

What did he do? He stood over me, tell me what a stupid B I was, look at this mess I created that he would have to clean up. As if I did it on purpose. I did not. And I thought he was going to kick me or hurt me, he had before, I just needed help.

When he said that to me, well fuck that… this was the one thing I thought he would hold my hand with – medical issues… instead just annoyance – no compassion, no care, no love.

When he said that he was gonna have to clean up my disgusting mess… my response was … “don’t do me any favors, I’ll do it myself”

He went off to bed. I cleaned the bathroom, still in pain, still sick, and still drugged up. Fuck it … if you can’t have compassion for a human being – much less your wife and the mother of your children… don’t do me any favors.

It was that moment – I realized I needed out… I was also afraid – we had kids. I just didn’t know how I was going to do this.

I can see that scene like it was yesterday. When I remember these things – and I’m telling this story… all those emotions from that very moment flood in. That is hard.

We had been together since we were kids. He had a lot of time to “condition” the situation.

I come from an Irish Catholic family – very old world… I was raised with a very strong Irish catholic upbringing… my dads mother was from Lithuania… I remember my great grandmother would say the rosary a lot… she only spoke Lithuanian and my grandparents had a statue of the Virgin Mary in the backyard that she would always be kneeled down in front of.

My life growing up was all that… Irish/Lithuanian/Catholic – I was severely sheltered and protected… however, let me also add this… I had a wonderful amazing incredible childhood – filled with wonder and laughter and the belief the world was good, people were good. I believed in love. I was loved. We were not exposed to anything bad or hurtful.

My parents … my mother is Irish, and my father is Irish AND Lithuanian. They met when they were 15… had an amazing incredible loving life together. They adored each other. So I do know what Love looks like – you stand behind it strongly – you just have to make sure you give that love to someone who deserves it.

Being Catholic made me not believe in divorce – only in the instance of Adultery. I truly believed in love. You can get through anything, if there is love – if you are united. It can’t just be one side. How do you even hurt anyone? I can’t ever imagine hurting someone, anyone – even a complete stranger. So that sorta stuff I had no experience with or knowledge of.

Well anyway… in 2014 – a year after my first surgery … a woman showed up at my door. To tell me she had been having a 5 year affair and let me know what they were doing together. She was also married and she had 2 kids. She said she is trying to make it work with her husband and felt the need to come clean so she may move on. Oh gee thanks

But then “that”, in my catholic eyes – freed me… I could leave now, and it wouldn’t be a sin… I could be free and done… no guilt.

I remember… it knocked the wind out of me … I just cried for 2 weeks… one day, I was still crying and then I thought something…

Ok… I want change – how do I get that… I want out… how do I do it? If nothing changes, nothing will change … so I started to plan my way out. I asked him to leave – but he would not… so I was going to have to do this.

I will tell you what I did another time, these memories are a little draining…

I do remember the first time he ever hit me. We had been married for awhile… it was 2004 when he hit me the first time, and we had been married since 1995.

What he used to do, was get mad at me for everything… he would ride on any insecurities and emotions and take those and twist things so I was always doing wrong or a bad person. I always want to be a good person… I never want to hurt or harm anyone… and this was my husband, I wanted to make him happy. So whatever he was mad at, I would try to fix.

He hated that I would get hit on all the time, even with him there… I never ever welcomed it – I have always been very quiet and I don’t want any of that attention … I have gotten it my whole life. I have always stayed away from that… my dad was very protective in regards to boys – boys started chasing when I was 11… and since then it was always an issue… and then here my husband is … and again it’s an issue…

So ok… I will avoid all circumstances at all costs… and I tried. I didn’t want my husband insecure with that stupid stuff – I married him because I loved him – plain and simple. I just wanted to be a family and build a life with him.

But you can’t control other people so it’s gonna happen. Well, one night we were at a neighborhood party that some friends were throwing. I was quiet because a lot was going on at home and whatever … so I just stayed in the kitchen with the women…

One man, who coincidently was a doctor… kept trying to talk to me… well my husband was there so no way… every time he would come over to me, I would go to the other side of the kitchen and try to pawn him off on another woman – Oh my god! Please get away from me…

Well my husband walked into the kitchen just as he was trying to talk to me… and my husband went off on me, “I led him on”… and saying horrible things to me in front of everyone. I swear I did not… i wanted nothing to do with that man… I did everything I could to get him away from me! But my husband didn’t believe me…

The doctor tried to stick up for me and say, she’s right… she wouldn’t talk to me… I kept following her… trying to talk to her.

That just enraged him more… and he asked the doctor to step outside. Are you kidding me? I want no part of that – so I said I’m going home. And I walked home, which was only about a block away.

We had a babysitter, and I paid her and sent her home. Then went to get ready for bed… the kids were asleep.

I heard the front door, swing open and hit the wall, then slam… he burst through the bedroom door, grabbed me and threw me across the room. I hit the wall really hard and fell on the floor.

I am 5’7”… 120. He is 6’ and 230… it was nothing for him.

When I fell on the floor, he jumped over the bed and then just started beating me as I laid there… I thought he was going to kill me… the look in his eyes was glazed over like he wasn’t even there… and I was in shock… I never thought he would be a man that could do that. Evidentially he was.

The only thing that got him to stop was me… begging for my life. Please don’t kill me. As I cried

After that, he got in my face again, to tell me what a worthless piece of shit I was… and I said in return … I should call 911. Well that made him angrier… and he said really bitch? Let me do that for you – he dialed it… then hung up.

Well they have to come check when there is a hang up… the officer came to the door and my husband cracked it open. I heard the cop say “everything ok?” … and my husband replied “yeah on of the kids was playing with the phone, we just got home sorry” … and that was it. The officer left

If he saw the bedroom or me… it would have been bad… I was a stay at home mom. If he went to jail there went his job. So what do you do? And I was young and in shock over what just happened. That was the first time ever. I was a deer in headlights.

I completely avoided all contact with any man… I didn’t want any issues or problems. So just remove that factor.

I am stuck with that particular conditioning now – which is why I find it so hard when I am hit on.

Not only has it caused me pain, it’s been an issue for most of my life. I run from it and it only chases me harder.

At what point does it stop??? And then how do I get over things like that… heavy emotions are tied to it, hurt, pain… so yeah I’m trying to fix these things so I can breathe again always – I want nothing crushing me or hurting me ever again.

So anyway… that’s just a small glimpse into these issues I am trying to fix. I’ll get there – in time … I’m a little slow. Working through it. But I am determined… I know what I want.

I made my life peaceful at this moment, so that I may get over or through these things and take my life back.

I haven’t really spoken about the abuse before. It’s hard. Maybe if I let it out, I can move past it? Release it? I don’t want to carry that pain anymore. I am tired

Well whatever, that’s some of it. A million times I wanted to write today. And I would write these big long posts and cry and then think “no wait.. I’m not ready” and I would delete it and start again … well when am I going to be ready?

I try to think of it like diving into a pool… if you feel the water first and it’s cold… you are going to be hesitant to jump in.

But if you hold your breath and just jump… it’s not that I feel a fear telling these things – it’s more so incredibly personal things that cause heavy emotions and I am throwing out there – I am allowing it to be told.

And I have that stupid part of me that is like “wait!!! You are not ready” … so fuck it… I wanna be ready. I need to fix these things – I want to be free from it. I don’t want to continue to carry that heaviness. So I am about to hold my breath… and hit publish. Whew ok… don’t think about it- just do it!!! Hardest thing ever. I feel like… vulnerable and at mercy speaking of it…

But is ok… people go through things… and maybe help someone else ? Or someone can relate ? I dunno, I just need to fix and get over things. So there is some of it. Bleh

Have a good night 💤