Bleh!

I have zero motivation today. 🤨 it’s a day off 🤨… I have a million things to do. And should be doing …

I need things from Home Depot. I don’t want to go. I’m gonna get hit on for sure. So I cringe and it makes me feel overwhelmed.

I try any excuse to avoid 🤨 … well I have to do this or that first, and I am slow moving today. You could say I am dragging my feet. I don’t wanna

I have to… so I’m trying to talk myself into it.

I try to plan… such as envisioning where in the store my items would be. Get in, Get that… be fast… it’ll be fine.

I’m just really tired. That’s all.

But see? I don’t like that… “being hit on” … so I go severe and stay away or try to avoid any kind of situation.

I do this with anything that makes me feel a panic? I want to stay away from that. So I try to avoid it. Severely. (Funny thing is the more I avoid – the more it is 🤨)

I don’t like being poked by doctors – so I “want” to avoid that too…

Anything over my head bad. It makes me feel sick.

It’s just… after that final surgery… I needed to breathe.

And with boobs (which are not huge at all, fits my frame perfect) but that doesn’t help me to NOT be hit on 🤨 … it only made it worse!!!

With the death losses I went through and the abuse and the divorce, and then my mom with Alzheimer’s and then me with the cancer – Oh my god! Stop!!!!!

So now… I am avoiding or trying to anything that’s going to give me that terror feeling or sadness – I am tired.

I told myself – it’s self care… it’s fine, I am allowed. I need to readjust. Am trying – not there yet. Just need the peace right now.

I do not trust. Well I do, but if it’s caused pain, terror, panic, or sadness… nope… I block it out and I don’t want to deal with it. No one is allowed to die right now – cause I can’t take another one. I need a break from seeing doctors. I don’t want to hear anymore bad news. I miss having my mom like I used to. I just really miss my mom- my heart just breaks. I was not ready.

And then there it is… I’m not ready – life does not care about that!!! You gonna get what you get and you have to learn how to deal and how to handle. There are things we are forced to accept whether we are ready or not. Bleh 🤨

My daughters kindergarten teacher, from years ago, used to say… “you get what you get and don’t throw a fit” lol – that used to make me laugh… and I would use that myself lol ✌️ – she would roll her eyes, crinkle her nose and tell me how much she hated that lol … but we would laugh ❤️ it was cute and funny

… and then there is the other aspect of it… if it has brought laughter or enjoyment or patience or love or happiness, anything like that… yup… I am pulled right to it!!! Like a moth to light… I want that. I want a life of that.

I know I have to fix that. Not really sure how. So right now, I’m just kinda breathing ? I feel like I have not had a real breath in a long time. I have not felt safe or secure.

So I know what I’m doing by taking a moment – but I need to learn how to better deal with certain things.

I can’t stay in peace like this forever. Right? It’s bad right?

I need to learn how to get past the panic. Whew ok… Home Depot 😳 … ugghhhh

Do they deliver to the country ? Lol kidding – doing it myself

I don’t like any of the things I mentioned – but I also do not want life to control me.

I want to be like a Phoenix – and rise from the ashes .. so like that… I’ll be damned if anything gonna stop me now.

I am Irish – I don’t have a temper (I am exhausted by those) … but I do have a cocky fire occasionally… I think I can take on anything … and then life is like “oh yeah? How about this?” Ok ok … mercy!!!

Ok – I’m just going to keep procrastinating so – I’m going… I’m just going to shut up about it and do it. There are things in life you don’t want to do or deal with, but have to be handled… so ok. 🤨 fricken adulting 🤨

Bleh!!!