Speaking

Last night I finished the first part of my project thing. I am adding to it now. I really hate this project – I am forcing myself!! I do not want to do it!! Mainly because is associated with stuff that makes me panic massive and I have no belief in anymore. But whatever – I have to do it, so I guess, no use complaining about it. And I’ve started, so now I’m going on it.

Just a pain in the ass cause I don’t wanna do it! Adulting, and doing it! Dammit

So whatever. Not everything can be unicorns and rainbows. (My elementary kids are wicked into unicorns lol)

This morning when I left for work, I stepped out into pea soup! Oh my god! It was soo foggy!!

Stayed like that through the morning … and then… sunlight broke through … it was glorious!! I went for a walk at lunch… ohhhh sun!!! Please don’t go!!! Reminds me suddenly of that song .. “Please Don’t Go” by Double You

Sun, I love you sooo, I… I want you to know… That I am gonna miss your love the minute you walk out that door!! Please don’t go! 🎶

It just made me think of that song. I love that song. Yeah, I didn’t want the sun to go away today!! That’s the perfect song about the sun today!!

Well, it went away, and fog is creeping back in now. So whatever – “life”

I go slow… because it was getting dark already before I even left work 🤨 … and then driving through the woods to my house in the dark, cold and fog … I have to high beam it and try to see through the fog.

I am glad I go slow, 2 deer dashed in front of my car – full on sprint 🤨 … so yeah – thankful for going slow! I have to watch closely for that sorta stuff – there are also raccoons, and skunks… we also have rattle snakes – but I haven’t seen any. They usually come out in the summer. It’s like living in a wild life preserve lol

I got to work extra hours today at work!! Woo hoo! That’s why I had to come home in the dark.

I don’t like night driving. Kinda hurts my eyes. And then you have these people, who just keep their brights on… umm hello – blinded over here!!

Well anyway.

I like my peace … I really really do… and I’m so exhausted from some stuff – so I have been silent with all my people – I went completely silent – just boom – nothing. I answer family – cause those people send swat to make sure I am still alive 🤨

But I kinda need the peace? Went through so much. So I dunno. I just shut down ? Not badly – just for a minute, shut down.

I had stopped everything – tv, internet all of it …and then I just went silent with all my people. It’s been since July.

There are times – I really love the peace – and I love not being hurt or not being sick, not being at someone’s mercy, etc… so in those things – the peace is just incredible!! I haven’t been able to breathe like this in a long time.

And I’m still going through ALOT of things that I have a hard time with..

It’s funny though because … when I had the cancer – I just laid it out to my family and friends – and the outpouring was incredible!! I wish could be like that for everyone everyday – not just when someone is sick… they were so comforting, loving and caring … I reached out and boom they there. I felt loved. I know I am loved.

But now, I don’t feel comfortable laying out this stuff I have a hard time with – it feels WAY more personal… and yeah I don’t feel comfortable saying anything … so I just withdrew and went quiet.

I had reached a point where … too much went on… I needed silence and I needed the peace. Just give me space for a moment. I stayed strong all this time, just give me a moment.

So anyway, I do need the moment. I lost my dad, my grandfather, my grandmother… all boom boom boom… and then my Mom has Alzheimer’s, we had to take control – and then I had the cancer – yeah, I need to breath for a minute. Those were some pretty heavy hits. On top of still being a mother and divorcing my abuser, who has been awful through everything … so yeah I can’t – I need a minute

I have my kids (my own and the ones at school) and they are amazing… I LOVE being a mother, and being around kids. I absolutely love being with them … I feel a comfort but my own kids, they are growing up and getting lives (🙄😄)

I do miss all my people and other things … but I am not ready just yet. I need a little time… but I will be ready to come back… I am just taking a breath. I got KO’ed for a minute lol

I still have who I am, I still have my strength, I still have a deal of spirit… I also keep my humor.

With the humor thing – if I am speaking of something heavy to me… you will always see a joke or something like that in there… I have to do that, so it isn’t so heavy. You know, break it up. It just helps me. It’s automatic.

Humor and comedy… really helped me stay strong through many things.

Well anyway, so that just came pouring out 🤨 but yeah… that’s where it is… I just need peace for a minute – let me regroup, and I’ll be back.

I am already strong, and I do love life very much, I am a happy, positive, optimistic type person. I just need to gather myself again.

I dunno. I just need time.

I miss them. All my people. But at the same time – I need the peace still – just for right now.

I have my day to day life… the school … my own kids… right now I just have to get through this LAST part. And I am terrified and then I don’t trust either, so I feel like I have to be guarded.

Well anyway, I need the peace but at the same time – I dunno. I do miss them – I’m not ready yet. I will, I promise – just let me get through this next part.

But it is weird… that medically even though I am still emotional with it- I can easily speak about it… Even in the beginning I could.

My heavy stuff – I just can’t … like the abuse and stuff like that or related to that- I can’t speak freely with? So just a little observation.

And then I have this thing, where I avoid things that make me panic – so all the heavy stuff makes me panic – I want to avoid as much as humanly possible. Also knowing that eventually I have to turn and face it… because it’s gonna haunt me always, if I dont. bleh

So whatever – life is gonna come. I am just regrouping. No need to call swat lol – I’ll be back.

This is helping me though. So I’ll keep this. I won’t isolate with this, and then maybe I can speak better ? I am unknown here, so there is a peace to that.

Ok well enough for tonight. I am worn out from the elementary/middle school today! … high school again tmrw.

Ya know, people don’t realize tiny things that can brighten someone else’s world even just a little bit – these kids just brighten my world and they don’t even know! They make a mark on my life. ❤️ I hope I do and have done the same for them. I really feel like they are my kids – I want to protect them and have them be smart and the best they can – I believe in them, they are REALLY great kids!!! I love this job!

Gnite ✌️