Lots to learn

I am feeling sad today.

I did say goodbye to Jack. So I feel like I lost something – its just better this way.

Grow right? Ok… here I go 🤨

So… when I went through my final surgery, I just stopped going on Facebook. I had been through some pretty massive trauma – and I was tired of keeping up with people. Daily is too much… so I just stopped

I ghosted. I got a job I love, got a quiet peaceful home in the country, I was just tired and wanted some peace.

Not only did I stop social media (Facebook is all I have or want) but I also stopped watching the news. I needed a break from trauma and bad things. The news is all biased and horrific things. Ugh

Well anyway… I went silent – for myself… just to?? Get through my stuff with a clear head and not stress from other stuff

I get hit on regularly. The only place I am not hit on – is at school. I love being at school!!! I am a quiet person. So I don’t want that attention. It comes at me too much.

… I am afraid. Or nervous, either or. Makes me feel overwhelmed and just terrified. I am not ready to let people back in.

Everyone I know is concerned by the silence – I get it and understand the concern.

I am just… healing? Growing? Dealing? So I just kinda like the peace – just went threw so much.

But they all keep checking on me … I know I am loved… and I know they care. Thank you to them with that… I just need time or I don’t know?

I know, I am just quiet – I don’t mean to alarm them or disregard them. I just want the peace for a moment

With all the trauma, I felt off balance … like I can’t breathe? That sorta stuff …

And the one thing I want, peace, well I want peace – so if I don’t have it – I will aim for it… peace is my price – I want peace …

So I’ve kinda gone a little overboard with umm? creating my own peace?

I live in the country, where it is beautiful and incredible and peaceful. So I made my home in the country. I wanted to be away from people.

Didn’t plan on the stupid power outages and fire danger – that is not peace – but whatever lol … I am learning with it.

I got myself an amazing job at an amazing school, being with amazing kids – that’s the one place I can let my guard down – it’s with these kids.

That is peace to me at this moment – those kids … they are all amazing. I have loved every minute of this job!!

So I go after peace – I am terrified to depend on anyone… and I don’t want to depend on people right now

I want the peace for a moment while I get a handle on my balance for a minute.

Think of it this way… it’s like a caterpillar just cocooning up… let me get my butterfly on lol

I just want to heal… so I just want peace for a moment – that’s all. I will be back eventually … I just need to heal and get through some stuff

I know it’s not normal. I know I am traumatized – just let me absorb things and be more comfortable … and I’ll come back.

Someone told me once, be careful, the peace can be dangerous. I’m just tired and healing. So I guess it is, cause I want it.

I want to love and enjoy life. Period… let me regather myself after everything. Let me figure out the things I want and who I am

Thank you for checking on me and always making me feel loved – thank you for that.

I do appreciate, but I am fine. Just regrouping.

I just kind of fear – I am going after so much peace, and I am fearful of things/traumatized… that I’m gonna pull too far in.

So this blog is kinda gonna help me figure things out, and then hopefully keep me from isolating myself.

Ok well anyway, I have alot to learn. I have to run.