That hurt…

So I keep thinking of the conversation with Jack. He came out to see me, just to have that conversation?

And it’s not that I am ready for anything from anyone right now – but there are things that are important to me.

I want to pull back from him. I don’t want to be in love with someone who MIGHT want what I want, but might not.

When you love someone … I don’t know…I think you “want” to be around them and “want” to care for them and “want” to love them… I was not aware love was effort.

He’s been in my life for about 5/6 years… and he’s been amazing to me, and I love hanging out with him. He’s been my confidant – I tell him everything. And he’s been sweet and kind and funny.

I just want peace and I want to be loved… if you don’t want to be there – then don’t. I want someone who’s happy to be with me too.

And I am not looking for anyone or anything… that whole thing terrifies me too. I am guarded too

I don’t mind being quiet. And I don’t mind the peace

But here are the things that are hugely important to me… I want someone who is just as happy to see me, as I am to see them. And I never want to feel like I am effort to anyone – you either love and enjoy me or you don’t.

I want to be treated kindly and bottom line… I have been through a lot – I am looking for peace … what I want is…

I just want to share my life with someone good. I want that hand to hold. If Jack doesn’t want that – then ok… but yeah I don’t want to just be there til he decides – as a friend that’s fine. And it’s that word “effort”

I can’t get past that. It’s the first time Jack made me feel heartbroken. Love is not effort

You do things because you want to – not because they are effort.

So I think I’m going to pull back – I am definitely not ready. That hurt.

Well anyway, today I am meeting with my little adopted elderly man at McDonald’s. I will ask if he has anywhere to go for holidays. I have some books for him, I think he will like.

It will take my mind off of Jack. For a moment at least.

The things I do in my life – the things I love, never feel like effort … the things I don’t want to do or deal with – yeah that’s effort – I don’t want to be effort

So I guess there it is. This is why I am scared to let my guards down.

Ok well I gotta shower – I be back later – I’m glad I started this.