Well whatever …

Ok so, Jack came over. First time ever to my place – we usually go to his house or whatever

It was nice… we took a walk (in the dark) is beautiful – I’m in the country so it’s so dark, and you can see every star. It’s still pretty warm for November. We held hands and talked

I just love being with him… He’s incredibly kind and sweet and amazing and then… I’m attracted to him like no other.

So we chit chatted and caught up on stuff, laughed etc … and then came back to my house.

We kissed and snuggled

I know he has a lot on plate… but I never ask for anything. I like his company and always being a friend to me… I have a lot on my plate also. I don’t see him much cause we busy and schedules are tough – from both sides … I was even surprised he just wanted to come see me tonight – that was out of left field

But he said… he doesn’t know where he is and is not interested in effort of a woman. I’m not quite sure what that means .

He said … he never wants to disappoint me

Ok. Well first of all – this convo came outta no where … I am in love with him yes… but I don’t ask for anything or want anything – I am just as traumatized as he is. I am tired. I just want to enjoy life with someone I love

So I asked him directly, I said – I don’t really understand what you are telling me or asking me? Is it that you have no interest in me and that I should not want you? Are you telling me to look elsewhere?

(First of all, I am in love with him – yes… but not really looking for anything specific – taking as it comes.) I also feel strongly that you either want or don’t.

But I ask him and the he said … well for now – I do want same in end all – just not right now

Ok??? Whatever … so I don’t have trust now? It’s not that he wants this or that – whatever …

So my thing is… you either want or you don’t – yeah scared …I get that… but again you either want or you don’t

When I said ok? Is just a no – we don’t want same things?

He say not right not/ maybe later

Umm ok… so you want me to move on then? But then he didn’t want that either

Ok so I keep as a friend thats great – I feel little guarded at this moment with him … but then he doesn’t want me moving on?? So you telling me, not interested at moment but maybe later? Possibly?

I have no problem with what he wants or doesn’t want … whatever that is?

And if wants to be friends I’m ok with that… if not – I’m ok with that too.

And yeah I don’t want a relationship to just be with whoever … was just a weird convo and visit

I don’t want any tests or whatever … you either want to be there or you don’t. I didn’t say that part to him because I was just sad

So ok.. I’m just feeling quiet and tired. I am going to pull back – he can do whatever his thing is … I like the peace by myself – you’re not hurt that way

I am not even looking for anything at all?? I just like his friendship and yes I am in love with him… he is incredible to me, like incredible

But if not interested then ok – whatever – I just want peace – and love – you either want that or you don’t so ok.

I don’t know how to see this?

He’s my friend first… obviously it’s some kinda deal? And there is some huge effort ? Ok fine – don’t make any effort then. I never asked for it – but if you ?? You either do that or you don’t

I was not even ready for all that! But he put my guards way up anyway

Now I am just ?? I’m not ready either … and I don’t want to stand by any man again who sees that as effort. That sounds like a chore.

Please don’t test me and see if I’m gonna hurt you…

I don’t mind the friendship but when I am ready for something – I don’t want to be on hold

Whatever will be will be … I am fine alone – I would like to not be … but I don’t trust and I am scared with the hurt too

But I’m sorry either you want or you don’t – I am not interested in finding anything at all right now, while I am in love with him… I am not seeking anything / but I didn’t like the way he put it and then couldn’t clarify. That makes me extremely guarded – ok then

Ok so whatever … I am tired – I have to wake early again.

I don’t even know if I made sense with all this? I did not expect any of it?

Why come see me then?

Ok I’m off to bed – gnite ✌️