Hope and Strength…

I have issues thinking and speaking about my heavy things. They overwhelm me a lot and still makes me cry. It’s been a lot… I only keep a brave face. It’s life and everyone gets knocked once in awhile.

I don’t like the pain – so I tend to try to avoid it. It still all hurts and is emotional. I also have hard memories…

That man in my life that I mentioned, let’s just call him Jack. That’s not his name, but let’s just go with that to protect privacy. But Jack is my love of life… he consoles me and then is also my escape – with Jack everything is better.

So like I said – I have issues speaking of all this stuff. I don’t like that pain. I’m gonna try so I can just get that out of the way. I want to learn to, hmm? I want to learn how to handle the pain so it can no longer make me cry to speak of. I like happiness and I avoid bad as much as possible…

But one thing I believe is that, when you don’t face things head on… they haunt you – I don’t want that. I want peace

So I’m gonna try to mention everything – I am working myself up to do so… it’s gonna come out fast cause I don’t like this stuff… ok… ugh …

I was in an abusive marriage – it was mentally emotionally and physically abusive. I have horrific memories.

I don’t know why I stayed so long when I look back. And it’s embarrassing to speak of, and it still makes me cry…

And then my ex also had affairs I had no idea about… one of those women came to my door one day and told me everything. I was devastated. Absolutely devastated …

In abuse, I guess you get used to making excuses or believing you deserved it – you must have done something wrong. But you believe they love you? Oddly ?? We had been together since we were kids – I knew no one else – I believed a lot I shouldn’t have.

But hindsight 20/20 right? I went to one of those places to get help, they said the courts would help, I can leave and be safe

That was not true. I was a stay at home abused mom… he had all the money… I had put some Way before I left so I may get a lawyer. That lawyer took off with the money and did nothing to help me.

Everything started happening at once … my dad died in 2017… he was young – only in his 60s and was a shock to all of us…

And then we learned that my mom and dad has been hiding, from family and friends that my mom has Alzheimer’s … it was bad – we had to take control – she was not safe by herself. It was all devastating all at once

Right after that, I got diagnosed with breast cancer – I was trying to make it through everything, but that was over the top emotional.

Since this is heavy for me… and I don’t like the pain – I tend to break it up with comedy – I kinda have to… so I do have a funny story to fit in with the breast cancer…

So of course that was devastatingly emotional… suddenly my life was doctors and hospitals all the time, and being poked and prodded.

I used to cry… I would be in there with the doctor and I would just sob… here he was trying to go over all the treatments and procedures … and I was sitting there sobbing. Not a little – a lot! Lol

I find that funny “NOW”… because on many occasions – the doctor wasn’t sure what to do? He would stop and ask me – “you ok?”

And I would answer between sobs and say, “yeah yeah I’m fine… just continue” I could still hear him and understood – it was just the emotions I couldn’t control.

So… I had a bilateral one side nipple spare mastectomy and reconstruction. They moved fast – they literally diagnosed me – rushed me into surgery and everything – my head spun.

The medical stuff isn’t as hard for me to speak of because while it was emotional at the time – I made it through and I’m alive – so I am thankful and happy. I absolutely cherish life – I love life always – I don’t take for granted – or try not to.

I do have new breasts… The plastic surgeon made a mistake on the cancer side where they had to take lymph nodes … that caused a lot of problems and I have constant chest, neck and arm pain. I don’t take anything other than Advil or Tylenol … but I can do things I used to anymore.

They look good. They fit my frame very nicely. I never thought or imagined I would have implants and here I am.

The side that had the worst of the cancer – I have massive scars, and no nipple. I guess you can have them do a nipple for you if you want (they have several ways to do that) but eh, doesn’t bother me really at all. It’s different but still beautiful. I do not have body image issues. But it is different.

It is weird to have a part of you, not really be you? and I have no feeling at all in my breasts. They took everything, nerves and all. I had Ductal Carcinoma

No – it does NOT run in my family! I evidently am the first and only 🤨

Then my grandfather died and then so did my grandmother – it was like one hit after another … I didn’t have any time to breathe between anything… things were just popping off, one right after the other …

I still had to stay strong. I kept a brave face (well except in front of the doctor lol – that’s where I sobbed lol) … but I kept a strong and brave face in front of everyone… and it is life – you have to roll with it sometimes… no matter how bad or sad – so I did – pretty gracefully I might add

Well I went through all that cancer stuff and I was homeless … I had not had a moment to stand up yet… it was the friends I had made and kept by my side that helped me through it all!!

I had many surgeries… Two days before I was to have my final surgery… which was a year later… my ex changed insurance – I was at least still covered by him through it … but he pulled it and didn’t tell me til 2 days before

I had to again fight for my life to get that surgery approved by the insurance company handling the surgery – and the one paying for it! I was exhausted – but it was my first win. ❤️ the first time things felt brighter? In a long time… I had gotten them to do the surgery and it be covered. Thank god.

My ex is a cold hearted horrible person. I will get into more about that maybe some other time.

But anyway, after my surgery I had to scramble and find a job… I had been out of work all through the cancer stuff, and before that I was a stay at home mom… but before I left my ex… I got into my community… I let people know me … I made friends … I used to be quiet and private and embarrassed when I was being abused … so before I left I created a life. So I knew people and they could say who I was as a person.

So I scrambled … I found a job I wanted and I went after it. It was for a school. I love kids – I feel at ease with kids… for the most part the pretty honest or you can read them… not much bullshit with kids.

And they are funny and just amazing … but I am getting ahead of myself…

Those contacts I made – wrote me amazing letters of recommendation… these people helped me get a job ❤️

I love this job so incredibly!!! These kids brighten my day, make me laugh and smile every day, they adore me and I adore them!!! I couldn’t be happier being with these kids – and without knowing it they are impacting my life – they keep me bright ❤️

Then I needed a home… ok… so I had nothing – and had never had to do myself before… and I still have not had time to really process everything that had gone on…

How you do this? So I called on a couple places I saw online (I don’t like this online stuff- I don’t trust) so that was hard.

But I found the most amazing woman who had a place I could afford and I told her my whole situation and she’s been amazing and gave me my own home to rent. My very own place for the first time ❤️

I still fight some stuff and again I want to just avoid all the bad stuff – I don’t want to feel all the emotions… I want happy… but life gives you things sometimes that isn’t always happy… you gotta just suck it up and handle it. I did and still do.

I’m very tired and exhausted – it all still makes me kinda cry so I do a avoid most of the time. I am a comedy person not sadness

So, those are my heavy hitting things… those make me cry. Still. So I don’t like to remember or think of past.

And I miss my mom … I want my mom … and Alzheimer’s has her … that one breaks my heart from the inside … I just want my mom… I don’t care how old I am – I want her back. That one is an instant cry because I miss having her… she is still there – just different – I wasn’t ready to lose my mom to that disease or at all… but I guess are you really ever ready for things ? Cause life doesn’t care – it’s gonna come

You have to have strength to get through

I have a girlfriend who always says to me … “ya know what makes a diamond? … pressure”

I hate when she says that… cause my god, I am already a diamond 10fold!! It can stop now lol… plus … doesn’t pressure also make “coal”? Lol and who wants coal for Christmas lol

Kidding but anyway… I do hate when she says that… I am tired of pressure – let me breathe

All in all, I am making it through somewhat… I still suck at it… but I try. I get better little by little

I am always optimistic and thankful and also blessed to still be alive. I was really scared there for a moment

So life – it’s gonna throw stuff at you… be strong … keep going.

Jack has been there for me emotionally. He kept my head high and was my escape to be around him… he made all the bad melt away always… he always makes me laugh and have fun… Jack is peace to me.

I now speak openly in regards to the cancer – that I can help others through right away. I made it – I can give hope and strength

The rest… I just have a lot to learn … it has been just 3 years with all of this… and it’s been a lot… so it’s not easy. But I do love life … it’s dished out some pretty massive blows, for sure… but I have made it this far – sorry this ended up so lengthy … I did not expect that.

But anyway… I still have hope and strength ❤️

I’ll be back again – gnite