So far so good, I am moving forward-“ish” so let’s just say that… I am working on many things. I don’t want to talk about that stuff right now…

In the meantime, I am surviving… this week I have to house sit for a man I know. I know him pretty well. (I think?) We are good friends.

We are just friends at this point – I don’t think we would do well in any kind of relationship other than friendship. Although I know he does feel something for me, I know he cares about me… we are just too different. WAY off the scales different. I’ve just always accepted him the way he is, as is, and I’m a really good friend.

I am a traditional woman- I like safety and security… if I’m going to have anything with anyone, I want something specific. I am quiet and private… definitely NOT showy or extravagant… I like peace. Hate attention! Run from attention – avoid it at all costs!

He is VERY different than that, he is not traditional, he is spontaneous, he is showy and extravagant … just completely different worlds. He finds peace boring and loves attention, craves attention, and runs towards attention! Lol – loves the limelight.

Relationship-wise… I dunno… like I said – we are too different and then plus I’m really guarded there – I am not ready. I don’t trust right now. I like just a friendship. (No benefits sorry) just friendship

We do well as friends… is perfect just as friends – nothing else. He totally knows how completely different we are, but he doesn’t have to be “on” all the time with me… and he can speak honestly without judgement, so I think he oddly likes that a lot? I am just peaceful and calm – I don’t ask, expect or demand anything from him. He trusts me.

The friendship works really good like that – but anything besides normal friends – ohhh I don’t think be good idea

I just think he would be too much for me.

Anyway, he is going away this week (on Thursday) and asked me if I could stay at his house and watch his dogs. So ok, I like to help friends and people… sure

He texted me last night after I was sleeping already… and said in his bedside table – there is a box wrapped in an envelope… money in envelope is for helping, and gas and food…

And then he said he got me something … “inside the box is something for me” 😳

A box small enough to fit in a night stand drawer – I have no idea what to expect

So I will find out on Thursday what it is 😳 slightly nervous! Only because he is REALLY “spontaneous” and flashy… so I have no idea what to expect.

He didn’t have to get me anything… I don’t expect that. I’m a little nervous with this.

Ok well – I guess I have to wait until Thursday 😳

So I am very panicked currently … I feel panic with what to expect cause if they take my child … my kids are my world. I won’t be able to survive through that – that will be my breaking point. So I am terrified. I fight so hard to stand up on my own… just give me a minute and I can do it – but not if I am beaten down all the time.

Also… being quiet is hard… I made myself fall off the face of the earth so I could heal from all my family losses and the cancer and the divorce (which has been brutal) … so I went quiet with people

They constantly try to check on me – I only respond to those that I have to – such as family or my police 🤨 I don’t want them sending out a swat team or anything to make sure I am ok… I am fine I was just healing – I wanted peace

My lawyer bullies me and scares me and makes me panic. Nothing I ever do is good enough, she doesn’t fight or stand up for me – bullies me and threatens me…

So I’ve been crying. I am exhausted

Anyway, I’m just trying to think of what to do, how to handle…

In the meantime he says horrible things about me and none of it’s true… he throws motion after motion at me and my lawyer does nothing … never forces him to take drug or alcohol tests nothing. He was supposed to (court ordered) never did and doesn’t … but I do. I pass every time. I don’t drink or do drugs – ever!!

So since my police officer could not see me tonight and I was upset…

I also kinda feel my silence closing in on me? I really want peace, I work so hard just to have peace and stand up for myself!!!

I texted my landlord … asked if she had some time to just be a friend because I had a personal issue I need a friend with…

I showed her the messages from my lawyer – and showed her the court papers

She said “I REALLY don’t like your lawyer!!”

I said “me either” but ya know I can’t afford another one

And I have another lawyer I spoke to a little over a year before I left… that lawyer has notes how I was trying to get out and it was abusive.

I told her that… she asked can I get that lawyer?

Yes I could but they require a $3500 retainer and even I was to ask for those notes “I have to buy them” – they are about $300 to get copies of those notes – I have already tried that route

It’s divorce – nothing in divorce is free … and he who has the money wins.

(One of my girlfriends tells me all the time – there is no justice for the poor)

My landlord is wealthy – and that’s not why I went to her because I don’t expect anything from her either – I pay for my things myself. I am very diligent not owing anyone.

I just needed someone to listen and let me cry…

She knows me and my daughter … But I don’t share my story. I always stay quiet.

Today it poured out in tears 😭

Because I am scared – I really can’t take more

So anyway, she said hang on a second… I have a lawyer… he’s a bulldog, not sure if he does divorces but he can refer and he’s good. Honest.

But I said … well the problem I have is if I take another lawyer it will be my 3rd… the first one took off with my money and did nothing on my behalf. I am at the mercy of my current lawyer – she bullies me and makes me panic… I have to stay quiet… and she doesn’t stand up for me… but if I get another lawyer … that’s not going to look good to the courts – it’s going to be bad if I have gone through 3 lawyers

She hugged me and got me a box of tissues.

She said “we gonna get you through this, let me get my lawyer on board and we gonna take your ex down”

I just want him to stop – I want peace so badly!!!! I don’t want him to take our daughter… I share him when he wants her … I have never tried to screw him in any way…

** As I was writing this… my landlord called … she said her lawyer called her back and he DOES do divorce cases – he is willing to meet with me.

Oh wow… ok – so I will get all my papers together … and write down everything.

Ok so maybe I’m getting another lawyer 😭… I just cry because it’s been a lot. And I’m scared and tired – but I’m still trying …

Even if 3 lawyers look bad – it kind of gives me a little hope- rather than laying down and taking it

Whew – I hate this… I want peace sooo badly!! I am tired.

My landlord said “breathe ok” lol

I am (kinda)

So tmrw I go to work… I have to call this lawyer and make appointment to go see him, get all my stuff together and write everything down.

Then Friday I do my drug test then meet with my police officer. Oh wait… no I meet with police officer tmrw – (sorry I am panicked, I have a million thoughts)

When he texted me earlier and said he couldn’t today, he asked if I be available tmrw …

I said, yes that’s fine, but you aren’t going to be in uniform are you? … I don’t want anything drawing any attention…

He said no he will change first … whew ok good.

Saturday – I am having my car looked at – the engine light is on (is old) …

But I am adulting – roughly 🤨 … not very well – bumpy ride, but I haven’t given up yet.

The more I speak – the better it gets … “sometimes” … we’ll see … maybe

If I just continue to be quiet I am getting pummeled … but the more I speak up… the more good things come to me.

This is hard for me to speak about because of all the pain and how tired I am… it’s hard not to cry… I don’t like people seeing me cry. I hide behind a smile always. So is hard to let people see me cry and all of this makes me cry

Little by little I’m finding my voice with this. Still terrified – but bring that fear 😳 … or not … I would prefer not!! But it’s going to come at me anyway… I just have to speak up ☹️

Ok … speak… no more silence

Whew ok then – the fight begins

It’s my lawyer causing the panic 😮 … she’s awful…

Ok so she messages me and tells me if I don’t do what she says that’s how a client/attorney relationship tanks.

I have done every single thing she tells me too and stay quiet while doing hoping she will fight for me… she never does…

She told me to send back paperwork – I told her I did that yesterday…

She tells me get a full time job… I am trying, but I have an obstacle … I need to be able to get my daughter to and from school…

I have called taxis and ubers and Lyft… none will take a minor, stating that it’s a liability. I get it…

I’ve been asking around to see if anyone can help me… she is 13… I don’t have family and all my friends have their own jobs.

I told her I work all week at a school and just got that new job which is Saturday and Sunday from 8-5… I will have no days off unless from the school…

To which she initially told me “better than nothing”

She tells me, I need to find full time to pay my lawyer … I told her … I asked you how much I need to pay you even though he is court ordered, and then you told me he does actually pay you but not your fees …

So if he is court ordered – and paying, I am still required to pay? – this is fishy… I don’t mind paying but be honest and don’t fuck with good people

Or at least explain – she goes quiet and doesn’t answer

Then she says “he could take her away from me without a full time job”

That sends me into complete panic – you don’t even know!!! I am trying my hardest!!!

Then dealing with child support services – they won’t speak to me about my case because I have legal counsel …

She told me she wrote them a letter giving them authorization to speak to me… but I called them yesterday and they had been trying to get a hold of her.

She told me not to hold hope of winning my case … is what is

So I said … do you not care at all about your clients and wanting to actually help them?

This was a 21 year abusive marriage … he uses the courts to continue to make sure I can’t stand up

She doesn’t help matters by making me panic.

Then she said “I do believe you have mental issues from your divorce and where it has placed you, but if you don’t believe or trust me I will have myself removed from your case”

She forces me to be quiet. I feel at her mercy and like she’s working for him. I am not allowed to speak or stand up to her either.

I feel full panic right now… everything she told me to do I have already done and continue to try to do…

I am exhausted – I do not like courts and do not like lawyers

I thought she was supposed to help me or prove my case

It’s up to me and only me…

My police officer has to wait until tmrw – they have something going on at work. So tmrw is fine I told him.

In the meantime… I’m still going to get those letters – from my police, from all my bosses – anyone who knows me.

And then I have other things I am working on as well to present to the court.

This is panic’ing and exhausting … please don’t take my child 😭 I won’t be able to make it through that. I don’t think I am strong enough for that hit.

I can take anything else – but that one would send me over the edge.

Ok so… today I am meeting with one of my police officer friends after he gets off of work…

I want to ask him some court questions and judge questions.

I am not expecting anything from him and I was kind of hard core with it…

I told him – I do not want him as an officer – just a friend. And I want face value, don’t bullshit me… I don’t want any sugar coating or trying to watch my feelings – I want it upfront and honest

I told him if he can’t do that – don’t tell me things – he said was fine with him so he is meeting me after work. I’m going to have to tell him my story… whew! Ok dammit but whatever – doing homework

And then on top of that, I’m calling out all my resources … I am asking for letters to the courts to state who I am, how I am and how they know me.

All these letters will hopefully disprove what he says to the courts about “me”. And if I can just get the court to actually see what’s gone on even just in all this court stuff … maybe just maybe – I have a chance…

So I just need to understand the courts better and how to approach the judge.

Anyway, I am trying so like my lawyer tells me… “better than nothing” 🤨 … but I am trying whatever I can.

So I am working on things, kind of …

However today I am having a slight panic attack… ok not slight …pretty major…

If you can offer advice – I would love to hear it… I will take any advice anyone can offer …

So I guess I’m going to have to put out my story … oh boy … I have to not be silent anymore… in silence I am getting slaughtered in all directions…

Ok well let me think where to begin… this is going to be long and then also I might panic through it… just FYI

Ok so… the marriage itself was abusive, I didn’t know he was drinking or seeing other women… I completely trusted this man because I had been with him since I was 17… I went right from my parents house to his…

The marriage itself really doesn’t matter at this point – that part is over and California is a 50/50 state – no fault…

I never had him arrested for the physical abuse because first of all, I was embarrassed and kinda bewildered. Also at that time he was doing home mortgages and he would have lost his job being arrested and we would have no income… so I stayed quiet. 😢

Anyway… I had to talk him down from suicide so many times … I was his wife so I just believe it was my duty to be there through thick and thin – help him through whatever it was.

Early on in our marriage he asked if he could do “his dream” of being in a rock band…

Well we were young, and just because we were married – I wanted him to go after his dreams. I fully supported whatever he wanted.

So he worked a 9-5 job and then after work would go straight to band practice or shows “supposably” … until about 1am while I was taking care of the house entirely by myself and the kids. I thought he was trying to better our lives…

But instead he was drinking severely and seeing other women.

He would come home and get mad at me for “cheating” which I never ever did, and if I didn’t do something right or cook something right – anything he would get angry at.

He used to go on business trips and while he was gone me and the kids would make “welcome home posters” and blow up balloons 🎈 being all excited for him to come home…

He would get angry at me for that, saying he didn’t deserve us and not to do that stuff. So ok we stopped

I kept having to talk him down from suicide and then we decided to go to counseling … so he calls to make appt and they tell him they can’t see us because he is volatile and has a substance abuse issue – that night we sat in detox – I stayed with him the whole time and had a newborn daughter at that time with us.

I learned that he had alcohol hidden all through the house … it was up in the lights – in the tank of the toilet … anywhere no one would ever look. I had no idea that was what caused his anger. He entered AA

I went with him to be supportive whenever I was able to… sometimes they don’t allow spouses – but when they did I would go, until he said he wanted to do himself – ok.

I left him in 2011 when he hit the middle child across the face with a clean plunger I had just bought that day and me and the kids went back East with family – He paid me money so we could survive.

While I was gone he upped seeing other women and brought them to friends BBQs and all that – meanwhile telling me that he wanted us back.

While I was back East … I had brought the kids to see his mother – his sister was there… she said she needed to talk to me… she had a mental issue years before and had a stay in a mental home to cope… so the mother watched my kids while I went for a walk with her

She told me a story about the moms brothers when she was younger use to do things to her … (her uncles)

When she told this to her mother at age 4… the mother’s response was “this is just what happens in families, be quiet about it” so she did…

And because of what the mother said to this little child, the child in turn took it out on her little brother (my ex) from age 2 to age 6 – she abused him sexually – but she was a child herself…

That was why she mentally collapsed those years before.

So ok… now I knew his problem… now I knew where to help him and it wasn’t me…

On the phone that night I told him I knew and what I knew … he had a complete mental break down and once again I had to talk him down from suicide.

I did that by saying “your family fucked you up, do you want to be the cause of fucking up your own children?” I made him think of them… he did not want to be the cause of their mental issues like that… so I convinced him to see a doctor the next day. I was across the country with the kids…

The doctor immediately put him in a mental home, under a 72 hour suicide watch… it drove him nuts…

They put him on medications and for the first time ever – we had amazing talks and I had the man I feel in love with for a moment…

He wanted us back … and I felt guilty for tearing the family apart …

We came back… within exactly 5 days he stopped taking the meds and went right back to the abuse and drinking

This time since I came back it was 10 times more brutal than ever before.

Shortly after returning I had lumps in my breast… when I went to the doctor in 2013 for those lumps… they told me they were benign and something called papillomas… totally normal, nothing to worry about but needed to be taken out…

So I had a double lumpectomy done to remove those lumps …

It was a surgery… I don’t self medicate at all… I don’t drink, don’t do drugs nothing… that was the first time I ever had anything like that… during surgery they put me under and I was on all kinds of pain meds

Before I even left the hospital they gave me a Vicodin and then they gave me Oxy… I don’t remember going home… I just remember the hospital and waking up at home.

He cooked a frozen burrito for himself in the microwave right after I woke up, the smell was too much and I went running to the bathroom to throw up…

I was on pain meds, my chest was wrapped and suddenly I am violently puking – I calling for help because I needed help … I had never thrown up so violently before and it was hurting my chest and I was afraid with the stitches … and I had 3 kids so at the same time I am violently throwing up into the toilet, I am peeing all over the floor.

Instead of helping me, he just stood over me and watched yelling at me what a bitch I was cause now he was going to have to clean up my fuckin mess

At that very moment, I felt … ya know what… don’t do me any fuckin favors…

He passed out on the couch drunk, and after the violent throwing up and peeing was over … I got on my hands and knees with my chest still bandaged and cleaned that up myself.

He stole my pain meds while I was recovering and out of it.

I wanted to be done… I kept thinking of my religion… catholic – I was raised old school – you be there for you man… only way out is if he committed adultery otherwise divorce was sin.

So I wanted out but I didn’t know what to do … I had nothing – I had been a stay at home mom… for years and years… and also silent – no one knew me… I kept friends at a distance because of the family issues we were dealing with…

So I thought to myself … if I want change … I have to make it… otherwise this is my life …

So I called a temp agency and asked for work … 3 different ones told me the same thing “we don’t help people like you” I had no work background, no education and no references … I just wanted to work to rebuild myself and work on getting away.

When they gave me that response … ok so I can’t go that way… I was going to have to start from the bottom and work my way up …

So I knew the police had a volunteer department … so I went for that. I got that and started volunteering with my police … I volunteered on patrol and in the office so I could have a wide range … I got to know my officers and my community …

I stayed silent about what was happening at home as much as I could – and what safer place for me to be then with the police.

Several times he tried to cause me issues with them, but they knew me… they had a run in with him once and that wasn’t good – then they started being protective

I just wanted to work – I wanted to get out so badly!! I needed to build a foundation to jump off of… I wasn’t being paid but it would help me later

Then a man who knew me in the community came to me one day and said “I have this job we need to fill and you would be perfect for it – it pays are you interested?”

When I asked what it was he said was for a “cart girl” … I had no idea what a cart girl was … the minute I got home I googled it… a cart girl drives around a golf course and makes sure patrons are having fun, serves them drinks and food and is social and fun…

So it paid … my ex had all control over everything – al finances everything … I had to ask for money for gas or anything the kids or I needed … I went in for the interview and was hired on the spot… I checked with my police first because I didn’t want to lose them – they said I could do both… just remember to uphold a certain level of respect (of course) so I agreed to keep both jobs

At first I hated it… I was hit on relentlessly … I was not used to that … I had been hidden away for years and just been a mom since I was 20… here I was at 42 doing this…

I thought to myself – give yourself a month … if you still hate it after a month, re-evaluate …

My boss at the golf course told me if anyone made me feel uneasy or uncomfortable I could have them kicked off the course and he would have my back 100%…

I was used to an office environment prior… so I was stiff at first… then it was ok and I learned to be free … I could be me there … I laughed and enjoyed people very much!!! I love my coworkers and golfers ❤️

In August of 2014… a woman came to the door … my ex said “oh shit, it’s about to go down, follow me” he opened the door to this Russian blonde woman…

We walked to a nearby park – I had no idea what was going on…

She begins to tell me they had been having a 5 year affair… and telling me what, where, when, how… oh boy – that was the most massive punch to the gut I had ever felt. I felt sick and light headed … it was all a blur…

I cried for 2 weeks straight… I couldn’t work either job.

This also gave me relief because there was the adultery… I could leave now and be free of sin.

I had nothing still because I was only making enough for gas and things for the kids… I got 2 credit cards to help start me getting credit …

In 2015… I went to a lawyer for a consultation and he wanted about $3500 retainer … he took note on everything I said

So I continued to work and save little by little … I went to a place that helps abused women to get out … they told me with a 21 year marriage I would be protected by the courts.

In October of 2016, the abuse was bad again… I wanted nothing to do with him but he wouldn’t leave – was going to have to be me…

So… at that time a man stepped up and said “I will help you get out, I will protect you and you can stay with me”

Ok … so I jumped … I had a chance to get out and I took it… my ex berated me ruthlessly with over 500 text messages in 2 hours – calling me names and sending pictures of me and him together (all of these horrific messages are attached and in the divorce file for lawyers and judges to see – I was mortified)

I took what money I had saved … $5000 and this other man referred me to a divorce lawyer … who did nothing and filed nothing and took off with my money… my ex had beaten me to the courthouse to file for divorce – saying everything he did to me… was instead what I did to him.

When I turned to this man who said he was going to help me for advice or help… he told me to do myself… not his problem

I tried … but I don’t understand the courts … at all – I didn’t go to law school and there is so much paper work and if you don’t get it right they won’t accept it – I needed a lawyer …

My ex had a lawyer and they kept filing motion after motion burying me…

That man who was supposed to help me get out, instead also became even more abusive than my ex because I did not want anything with him, just help – so after a month – I left that situation.

Now I was homeless and depending on friends. Luckily I am a good person and have good contacts and good friends … I have always been there for others and now I needed help…

I thought the courts would protect me but they did not.

After bouncing around like that, someone said go to welfare – they will help you…

So I did, I turned to welfare gave them all the court paper work and all the information and they helped me fill out all the paper work … this was going to help me stand up on my own …

Within 3 months of being on welfare and attending their back to work classes – he somehow accused me of committing welfare fraud and threatened to arrest me in court …

I immediately stopped welfare but in court they were brutal…

A girlfriend of mine stepped in with $3500 and got me another lawyer who took over – this is my lawyer now…

I kept telling her everything and that I was homeless, I needed help… she told me be quiet – don’t say anything will look better on you …

Then I got the cancer – I wasn’t getting enough for a place or to survive … while I was battling cancer – I was homeless …

I had a storage unit and I remember many times I would be in full panic and tears while my daughter watched that, I didn’t know where we were going to stay that night – I always found people to take us in for awhile or I would do odd jobs like caring for some elderly person or cleaning someone’s house and we would get a hotel.

I would have to be at the hospital for surgeries – I would have to line up where we were going to stay in advance and others had to care for me… I felt at mercy…

That’s when I began losing my family… my dad died first, then my grandfather … then my mom got alzheimers and then my grandmother died…

I was trying to figure out how to handle being homeless and without help from the courts … and then go through cancer and the loss of so many people I loved.

In the meantime, my ex and his dirty lawyer he met in AA (also a recovering addict) continued to bury me in motions

He is court ordered to pay my lawyer – she tells me he does not pay her, but I don’t understand why she doesn’t go after him…

She doesn’t fight for me and has not all this time… if I say anything to her about that… she gets mad and angry with me and threatens to leave me and make me look bad … I never come at her meanly ever … I am not that way… I just don’t understand how this is possible

I do everything she says … and I just stay quiet …

On my final cancer surgery… 4 days before my surgery I learned he changed insurance (I’m sure on purpose) … so I had to fight for my life for that surgery…

I had to get the insurance that was doing the surgery to agree to let the other insurance pay for it and vise versa – that July 4th weekend 2019… my final surgery was July 9th – 2 days after my birthday 7/7.

I fought right down to the second for that surgery… I needed it… going to the hospital that day – I didn’t know if I was going to have the surgery or not … luckily it was my first win. Going into that surgery I just kinda collapsed into it. I was exhausted

Right after surgery my son got a hotel room and took care of me for a week…

I was supposed to rest after that but when you are homeless you can not… and my life had already be halted for so long… I need to fix my life…

So I went for that school job… I got the job at the school… which I love … those kids don’t realize the sunshine they bring to my life…

At first they were cautious of me … was I going to stay? I guess many leave this position quickly … but within 2 weeks kids started coming to me and being comfortable with me…

Today as a matter of fact a senior boy came to me and said … he has been having a rough time… and he doesn’t have any friends just one – and then he said but I think you’re a friend too? I feel comfortable coming to you and talking to you. That was touching… but I love these kids like they are my own. I feel safe with them and I’m not hit on at school… I am most other places. I avoid that.

Anyway, right after I got the school job, I needed a home – I was scared he was going to come after my daughter and that would kill me…

So I found a small place in the country – I like the peace here but it’s not the best house itself and I’ve had issues… such as when I first moved in – they kept shutting off power because of wildfire danger … and then rains came and I had leaks everywhere … then ants invaded …

And I was able to get a car from a friend very cheaply … it’s old and I have to spend money to fix many things

But I have a job and a home and I just got another job…

Today my lawyer was emailing me about paperwork she wants me to sign… weeks ago – I told her paper work was incorrect… I gave her the info to fix it …

At that time she got mad at me and said she didn’t have time for me … she’s been sick, she’s been in court, etc etc … I said ok – just get back to me when you can you said was important …

I have been silent waiting for her – otherwise she gets mad

She wants me to sign the paper work I feel is incorrect… she gets mad and is really mean…

Like when I told her about my new job and she said “well better than nothing”

So she wants me to sign something I feel is incorrect – but I feel bullied by her and I’m not understanding and I feel scared and lost

I’m try to take reigns myself – if the court doesn’t help me – I have to do this all myself

I was a middle class housewife in an abusive marriage… I struggle to even survive through everything…

I have let go of the marriage aspect – of the pain and the hurt … I have no vengeance

But he does – he is vengeful I left … so he wants to make sure I suffer for leaving him

And with my current lawyer – not once in court has she stood up for me. It’s almost as if she works for him.

I told her I will be getting my taxes soon – how much do I owe you? How much is he supposed to be paying?

She told me suddenly “well he does pay me – but not enough to cover my fees”

I really don’t understand ?? So he’s paying her – but doesn’t cover things? So she does nothing but get angry at me

I seriously feel bullied – currently today I feel panic

Do I sign this? I don’t feel it’s correct… things are wrong and other things have been left out.

If I sign – I am agreeing to whatever is on that paper

I am exhausted and don’t understand. Instead of explaining or helping me – I feel she bullies me…

I am afraid if I stand up to her – she will leave me and the courts won’t look good on that… and she’s my second lawyer after the first took off with my money… so will it look bad if I try to get a 3rd lawyer ? One who specializes in abuse cases? Or who can help me?

I can not wait until all this is over … I can’t take much more

In the meantime, I do feel bullied – I just do what she says and if I don’t or question anything she says, she gets angry…

Any advice ?? Or thoughts ? Anything? I am scared and tired

So ok – there is my story… this is why I stay quiet

I opened up to the sister of my landlord with this today… and she said your police check on you… you need to start speaking … at least then you have a chance.. if you don’t speak you for sure will be buried

So I suppose I will reach out to one of my police … he reached out the other day – let’s see if he meant it…

I just hate needing to ask for help – I know we need it – but my story makes me cry and makes me feel overwhelmed

I have stayed graceful and true to my morals … I don’t go out ever, I stay to myself, other than daily life where I interact and they don’t know anything…

I don’t date and I don’t really trust … I am highly cautious … I don’t have my parents to turn to and I’m not sure how to handle everything.

He tells the courts I am this horrific person … I can disprove everything he says…

He doesn’t coparent with me at all… he also does not do what the court asks like drug and alcohol tests and my lawyer does nothing to make him

Where I have to do flips for the courts and fight my ass off constantly… I am completely exhausted

I am also tired of always being quiet. The dam is breaking … my first step… I opened up.

I would never treat another human being like my ex has treated me. But I am tired – I’m still fighting

My problem is getting past the fear and also the panic. I don’t know how to do that – all the court stuff makes me just panic.

Ok well I don’t wanna talk anymore – that was exhausting.

I am determined to make my life better – I just need to stand up and I haven’t been able to yet. I do it alone.

I think my first step is to speak so here it is…

Please give any advice or thoughts – I would appreciate more than you could ever imagine. So there it is. My story. What makes me cry and panic.

Gnite ✌️

It’s late and pouring out currently … when is spring? I am dying for spring already!!

Tonight my daughter went to Chuck-E-Cheese with a girlfriend (was her girlfriends brothers birthday – her parents let her take a friend)

While she did that, I did laundry at the laundromat…

I picked her up a little while later. Luckily we made it home before it started pouring. I would not have been happy if it rained all over the freshly cleaned, dry, folded clothes. So I am very thankful for that.

Also… I’ve been thinking about something tonight. Been doing a lot of reading.

So when I do these job interviews – I do a lot of homework and go confident… I do pretty good with it…

I haven’t really spoken about my divorce much… I want to but I am just silenced in this area completely… even here… is hard but I’m going to have to start figuring this out.

I’m not sure what to do… so maybe is best if I just do my homework on this matter too.

This is going to be my next big battle as we are about to go into trial. Whew! I am terrified and nervous and do not trust the courts for protection whatsoever.

I am confident I can do anything if I am prepared. I have been letting my lawyer do everything but even though he is court ordered to pay her – but he does not, so she doesn’t do much to help me at all.

So it’s going to be on me to do this. I’m scared.

Ok… so… grow up – don’t fear. It will be ok. I’m going to do some homework on this and figure it out myself.

Fear, exhaustion and emotions – I am going to have to put that aside completely. Just go by the facts period.

All he does is tell lies and sling mud any chance he gets to anyone who will listen (courts and people we knew) and I have been quiet – that’s what my lawyer tells me to do. I do everything she tells me to do and follow all rules. But it’s been horrific so far.

If I want something… I’m going to have to do homework and prepare.

Ok I can do this. I’m pretty sure 😳🙏 please dear god let me get through this ok. 🙏

I am terrified. But whatever – I’m going to have to get through it.

Let’s see how strong my strength really is. 😳

I think another one of my lessons is don’t depend on anyone to do anything for you – make sure you know how to handle for yourself. Prepare yourself always!! 🤨 … I don’t like this lesson

Ok well it’s late… I gotta get to bed

Gnite ✌️

So Friday nights are our family nights … my 2 older boys come over and spend time with us… we either stay in and I cook and we play board games or some kind of game (no electronics) , or we go to movies or out to eat… etc… just time together to appreciate each other.

Last night we went to some new pizza place called “Blaze Pizza” … it reminds me of Chipotle or Subway?

They put your pizza together right in front of you, as you tell them what you want – is a fast food kind of pizza place? Very interesting.

It’s decent, not the most amazing pizza (I am definitely a pizza critic! Lol I love pizza) so this was definitely a fast food pizza – was good but not like those mom and pop type pizza places where it’s amazing!

As we are ordering my oldest, who never ever ever wants vegetables – he is meat and potatoes – no greens 🤨😄 … he gets up to order his pizza (they are personal pizzas) and the guy asks him what he wants.

My son, (25) says… “all the meats” 🤨😄… so the pizza guy asks him – no veggies? He said no, just meats lol

So I said “I have been trying his whole life” lol … when he was little – I used to have to blend the vegetables so he would eat them… if he saw anything green or anything resembling an onion or anything – he wouldn’t eat it… so I would sneak it in lol

Now that he is an adult – he doesn’t eat vegetables at all 🤨 – I have failed as a mother in that department lol … I still tell him how important the veggies are and to try as he ages cause taste buds change – but no – not yet lol

Then we came back to my place and played a few fun games before they left. I love my kids more than life itself ❤️

They are really funny ❤️

Earlier this week, my daughter and I are driving home and we have to go through the center of town. Well there is a McDonalds in the center …

As I am at the stop light, she tells me “Mum, you have to follow laws!”

😳… “umm, I am? I always do, what am I doing wrong?”

To which she says “you are not following the McDonalds law”

Lol what? What is the McDonalds law?

And she tells me “if we pass by a McDonalds, by law we have to stop and get fries” 🍟

Oh please 😄😄 yeah no! Not happening, but nice try!

When they were younger they would try to convince me McDonalds fries were vegetables 🤨😄 yes they are potatoes – but no not healthy – is ok for treat once in awhile but don’t put them in the vegetable group lol

These people are hilarious.

I have to go – someone just woke up and would like a big breakfast 🍳 🥓… one of last times I be able to give her big breakfasts on weekends.

Back later ✌️

So I officially got offered the job today!! ❤️ I’m sooo excited and thrilled!!! I now have 2 jobs ❤️❤️❤️ … but just wait – cause I still plan on being a force! I am not done yet. Yay!!!

Everything I am doing – I have a plan… all of it is just a jumping board … I’m sooo excited!! I work at a school during the week, and at a funeral home on the weekends lol … I am versatile!!

I am educated because I grew up wealthy … but I never went to college – instead I got married and had kids right away. I married wrong so I paid a heavy price on that one. But I am left blessed by amazing kids who are my world ❤️

So anyway, all I have is a high school diploma – but just wait… I am not done… I am building currently. I’m gonna take all of that and mesh together for greatness – just watch … I go slow but I have a plan. Is just my jumping off point… again building for greatness ❤️ (at my age lol) … I am exhausted but just watch…

I do still believe things happen for a reason… I lost my dad so we could learn my mother had Alzheimer’s, I lost my other family members to learn how to let go and heal from that, and all that pain has allowed me not to care about the abusive ex – yes he still scares me massively … when I think of him my heart pounds, I can’t breathe, I feel panic… but I no longer feel as though I care about what he will try to do or what he does… whatever – bring your worst. Don’t really give a shit. So he scares me still yes, because he is always brutal – but I don’t care so that’s helpful. Kinda 2 opposite sides – still scared but don’t care – kinda weird but whatever works … I think all my loss and devastation kinda helped me not care what he’s going to do – and without protection from courts or anyone else … I just don’t care. Let the chips fall. I’ve already gotten out so I am no longer being hurt or abused. I have already suffered at his mercy for so long – and I have survived and am surviving the worst.

To leave him, has allowed me to be free… to find me.

And the cancer… well that was hard to fight while I was losing everyone and going through this divorce… but even that…

The cancer literally brought my life to a halt. I fought that at first, I was a mom… I can’t just stop everything. I would always think “I don’t have time for this, I have stuff to do” …

Cancer does not care – so I had to let it halt my life. You have no idea what that’s like unless you have been through it. That was terrifying… and I also found it annoying 🤨 … Constantly at the hospital – I would be annoyed with that and having to see thousands of doctors … but I had no choice if I wanted to be ok – and I had people to live for.

So cancer taught me to relax for a minute – take things as they come. Don’t forget life itself because you too busy trying to do everything. I was always handling everything…

So I think I had to go through these horrific 3 years to grow as a person… I think I had lessons to learn and I’m a slow learner with that crap lol… life was going to beat those lessons into me until I learned. Ok ok I got it

So I walk away with a stronger strength then ever before – I beat cancer, I left abuse, I suffered massive losses and traumatic events all at the same time… I survived …

Immediately after my last cancer surgery – they said “recover, don’t do anything” … I couldn’t … not because I didn’t want to – I did want to recover like they said… but I didn’t have that luxury…

So I immediately – got my school job, found my place in the country… and here I am now…

Just got my second job.

I still have a long way to go… but lately everything good is happening. I pray it stays that way.

But I do think I am stronger than I ever have been before – I am still scared of some stuff that will be coming up… but whatever … I’m scared but I’m also confident I can be ok.

I am so excited I got the job… I wasn’t sure I would… I had been confident before with jobs and ya know – it’s hard.

I was still applying to all kinds of other jobs … even though interview went well and all that… just for back up and to find whatever I could.

I didn’t get my hopes up, I wanted it but I didn’t focus on that cause just didn’t know.

So I was really excited to hear they wanted me!! She kept saying how good I interview … huh, I was not aware of this to be honest … she said that both in the interview and then again today when offering me the job…

I’ve been through a handful of interviews before … my first job fell in my lap because someone knew me and I was perfect for that job… the next one was an open call interview – had no problem getting that either but so did everyone else lol… then I had cancer for a little over a year… so I had to stop everything. No work no nothing…

Before I got the school – I went on an interview for some job I didn’t get … but that wasn’t right for me…

With the school job… I wanted that one bad … so I knew if I wanted it – I had to pull strings… I went right to my police… I knew they would write amazing letters of recommendation for me and they did – they actually blew ME away with them ❤️ (I love my police ❤️)

I had a few other people write for me also… I had a total of 6 letters I pulled … with people with respect or high rank… THAT caught the schools attention to me… then I interviewed – I studied the school and did a lot of homework before that interview… went in there confident and got it… love this school job and love being with those kids ❤️❤️❤️

I really wanted this one too – the funeral home. I just kind of feel like I want to help people who feel that massive loss – I can help them. I will very easily be able to connect to their feelings, emotions and loss.

With this one – I didn’t use any letters, I started by writing to the funeral home and telling them I was a single mother looking for a weekend job, I believed I would be a great asset to them because of the empathy I have and the losses I have experienced (etc etc)

Well I must have said something right because they immediately asked for my resume … and then the second I sent it – they were calling me for the interview 😮 it was fast! Although perhaps there are not floods of people trying for funeral home jobs lol… takes a special set right? It’s not typically the norm I don’t think? But who knows. I will learn

I felt confident and good with this interview … and she keeps saying how good I interview… I keep trying to think what did I do so greatly to have impressed her so much? Well I was totally prepared even with the extra resumes for her and I was comfortable and not overly desperate – I want the job but ya know when it’s right – it will happen, so I wasn’t overly like please hire me lol … maybe once or twice lol – kidding I didn’t do that – but I did voice why I wanted this job and why I think I would be an asset.

So anyway yay!!! I am thrilled ❤️

So right now, I have to do a background check 🤨 … I hate those… why do I hate them? Because I have lived all over the United States 🤨 … so they have to get responses from everywhere on my maiden name and married name 🤨… that’s gonna take forever – it always does!!!

Even when I was with the police – it took forever to get for them. 🤨 I remember my police joking with me about how long was taking – they were like – we still don’t have those back yet – probably longest background check ever 🤨 (tell me that’s not annoying) can’t they just keep it all on file to pull real quick?? Does it have to be long every single time???

Ughhhh don’t you people have technology – isn’t that supposed to be fast???!!! Lol

Well anyway – eventually I will start my newest job and have 2 jobs ❤️ I’m building ❤️ yay!!

Gnite 😘✌️

So the job interview went well.

It’s right in the major city… it’s located in a small unassuming gray brick building…

It was overcast and foggy in places today…

I parked, and started walking towards the door… I passed by a garage door around the back of the building with a hearse parked in front of it…

I got to the front of the building and there was 2 beautiful ornate oak wood doors with a section of etched glass in the top part. Very beautiful.

Both doors were locked… on the side was a door bell and a sign that read – ring bell to enter …

Little funny… cause in my mind I was kind of expecting “Lurch” from The Addams family to answer the door lol

Instead a beautiful young woman with her hair all slicked back in a bun, answered the door. She was dressed in a dark pants suit with a white shirt. Very slender, but beautiful face. She looked gentle and friendly.

I introduced myself and she smiled, shook my hand and said she would be right with me.

I sat on the couch and kinda took in the atmosphere… the building itself is old, and inside it was dark like, the lights in there had a yellowish to them- but it was very peaceful like. The furniture was old but comfortable… it gave you a feeling of kinda comfort? Was not a scary overwhelming type place. Very nice for a funeral home.

Then she came and got me and brought me to a small office… and I sat down in one of the chairs opposite the big wooden desk… she said “hold on one moment and let me grab your resume” … to which I pulled out 2 of my own copies and said “oh I brought you some” (she looked extremely pleased in the fact I was prepared) I was delighted a little bit by that… and saved her time as well. Think that made a good impression right away 🙏

She started by telling me a little about the funeral home… they are a “stand alone” funeral home… meaning they are not attached to any particular cemetery or morgue, they do not prepare the bodies there, but do offer those services. The body’s do come for services.

They can serve up to 300 mourners in their chapel, its actually 2 funeral homes (different locations) but they work together and share staff. The staff are like a team and well oiled machine when comes to funerals… details details details. Everything MUST be perfect.

She said many A type personalities work there for that reason… it can get stressful with back to back funerals and making sure it all runs smoothly. She said even she can be very demanding and expect perfection.

I do not have any issues with that… I am very easy going and can adjust to any personality. I also like details… I absolutely understand the reason for perfection in this industry.

So she asked me pretty simple easy questions about myself… like about my availability – which fits what they want right now… and I said on holidays or summer when school is out – I am available whenever needed.

She asked why I thought this would be a good job for me, so I told her I would be able to pull from my own experience and shared a little bit about having lost a lot of people recently. I am familiar with the details a funeral home needs to have – right down to the obituary…

Then after a few more pretty easy questions that I flowed with… she asked if I had any questions for her… why yes, yes I do … as I opened my portfolio and put on my glasses (lol)

So I asked her maybe about 5 or 6 questions … like

What are the challenges… and she said maybe the types of funerals can be a challenge as well as the families … you just have to be ready for anything

I asked if they were team oriented and a staff that enjoyed their work and worked well together – she said yes and that they work together really well, so much so that if there is a wheel that doesn’t spin right – it’s highly noticed.

I asked why she got into this business and she said initially she needed a job and started in that way… but as time went on it has become fulfilling to her by helping others. She has been in the industry for 11 years.

So after I went through my questions, I said ok that gives me a good sense of the job, I appreciate your answers – thank you very much.

She said she is hiring on both funeral homes and they have several funerals going on this week… but she has a deadline of Friday – so she will let me know by Friday the latest.

I smiled and shook her hand and said thank you very much- I look forward to hearing from you… she smiled …

As she walked me out, she suddenly says out of the blue… “you interview REALLY well”

Omg yay!!! I hope that’s a good sign!!! I smiled and again said thank you! I appreciate that!

So now I will write a “thank you” note and send it to her… I could do an email – but I feel that’s impersonal … a hand written thank you shows my care and seriousness and also shows an old fashioned professionalism. I really want to stand out!! Hand written is not usually something done often anymore.

People get emails every day – but not many get actual mailed thank you notes. So let’s see if that works. 🤞

I think it went really well… now I just have to wait until Friday – in the meantime I am still looking – I don’t want to totally get hopes up or put all my eggs in one basket… but went really well. ❤️

I’ll be back maybe later on? But also maybe tmrw ? We see

So possibly “Gnite” lol ✌️

So I’m excited, but also nervous…

Spent yesterday and last night preparing… did my homework on the funeral home, read different articles and blogs on what it’s like to work at a funeral home, and what to wear for an interview …

I have my clothes all picked out … classy and respectful woman’s dress suit… mostly black but jacket has muted roses on it.

I’m going to curl my normally bone straight hair so it all looks put together. I want to look like I care and put my time in – which I have.

I have a set of 10 questions to ask them about the job – and I have a pretty good grasp of any question they want to throw at me – both for a funeral home and general job interview.

Ok so, I’m prepared I think. also bringing extra copies of resume for them.

I am pretty confident and hopeful… I am confident that I am going to give them my best foot forward and hopeful they will take me on. I want this – so we will see!!

I really do believe I can help others through their times of loss – and I think this would be a good move for me even if there will be a lot of sadness I have to face… will help me through my own grief… and my compassion and empathy with loss I think will be a great asset here.

Ok getting ready now 🙏❤️