Ok well… I TRY to eat healthy … but ya know… if you gonna give me free breakfast – I’m not gonna turn that down!!

Today is supposably National McMuffin day? Lol – who knew! Saw on my phone this morning that McDonalds is celebrating that by offering FREE egg McMuffins … You have to use the app to get it free but whatever – it’s free lol

So I did that! The promo goes until about 10:30am today 03/02/2020. Here in the United States anyway. I am on pacific standard time so is not even 8am yet. McDonalds wasn’t even busy!! Yet another bonus to free breakfast ❤️

Yeah whatever, wasn’t healthy food – but it was free! Woo hoo! Hot and yummy ❤️ … and free lol – good day!

Alright – well I have high school today so be back later 🥰❤️

Well that was a day ❤️ whew!! I am exhausted!

Came home cooked us a nice dinner. He is a meat and potatoes boy so… steak and potatoes. We talked all through dinner … I told him about my day… then we talked about his issues with his father. I just listened.

I told him anytime he wants to be here … just come over … don’t care if I am here or not – more than welcome to come to my house anytime.

My home is in the country… is peaceful like you would never know… there’s just a beautiful peace here… there is no rush of people – no loud cars – just the occasional cow moo’ing lol … or coyotes in the distance… maybe a dog or 2 … oh and a neighbor has alpacas and horses lol

But it’s so peaceful. Is a really good place if you need respite. This is why I chose this place ❤️

It’s very tiny – but I don’t care – it’s what I can afford and the peace is priceless to me.

He spent all day here – and then had dinner with me ❤️ we talked and laughed the whole time. I know he felt the peace ❤️ you need that sometimes – and he is my son.

He is always welcome if I am here or not… he is my son – my door is always open. He will never be without a place of peace.

He said he would be back over tmrw ❤️ I said too bad you can’t just stay … he said he couldn’t cause he needed to do this this and this for his father 🤨 he gets mad at him for a lot of things – his father had a temper so I don’t like that – I don’t want him to have this protection /guarded thing I do.

So … come to my peace whenever you feel you need that. ❤️ always here ❤️

Like I said is very very tiny but ya know we will make work.

And then on other subjects … such as my protection and guards … I keep wanting to say those words I constantly say… I’m not ready…

Ok well life is happening while I am not ready 🤨… but I don’t know how to be ready for things

I am scared … but that’s nothing – I can face a fear maybe ? Sorta ok maybe that’s it?

I kinda fear men sorry to say that. Cause I let myself be completely unguarded and got hurt so badly… in so many ways… so… at this point I do fear letting down my guard.

That Maintenence guy is a very nice man. Extremely kind and he has this ?? Umm … gentleness about him when he speaks to me? I still keep a distance and am careful because well first of all I am friendly and bubbly surfacely … but I am afraid to let anyone in too close …

I have been protecting myself so fiercely for so long… I kind forget how to be ok letting someone come in close? I don’t know if I explain that correctly?

My peace is dangerous because I like the peace of my country… and then also … I like the peace of not being hurt. So I am afraid to lose that type of peace? And how do you know? That’s a big chance to take

And don’t forget I was with same man since 17… what’s that? 30 years … 30 years of abuse and pain and hurt … and doesn’t end… even away from him.

And then at the same time – I know everyone is different and I know there are good hearted, kind, well meaning people… yes even men lol ✌️

I feel like I have a blockage? Or a terror?

Like for example … this Maintenence guy… he does actually have a gentleness to him… he is careful with his own words around me… he doesn’t know me yet so he handles his words and actions with care and I do keep a distance – I think he knows that? I can chat with him … but there is an obvious distance I keep there cause I don’t trust…

So he is gentle and careful and respectful … that’s all nice and sweet and everything …

But I need to know better and see how is typically. I need to see how is towards others and all that… I never again want to give my time to anyone who isn’t a good person (not to sound horrible or anything) but I don’t want to give my time to someone who will hurt?

Yeah it’s a huge risk to me… so am a little paralyzed. Bleh

I don’t want to be. But I dunno. Again I want to say “I am not ready”… but I say that with this all the time just so I can keep myself safe … easy cop out so I don’t have to deal with it.

Yet I want certain things in my life… so it makes me mad at myself too… I just can’t get past that fear

I have many men friends … no issues at all… I can laugh and talk to them – they are awesome … but then if they start showing interest … oh wait I’m not ready lol … and there goes the distance

I really don’t know how to stop that?? And life is very different now than it was when I was 17, so that’s a little scary to me too…

I’m older and I’ve had breast cancer and I now have massive scars .. I do like my scars myself because shows me what I walked through and survived … I oddly find it beautiful? But I dunno… that be overwhelming to share? That will take me a long time? Highly personal

I can freely share my story with the cancer … I am very open with that – if I can help someone else with that absolutely!

So I have areas I can be very open with … and other areas that terrify me

I am just very careful. So whatever – I don’t know how to fix that yet.

Otherwise … my life is going pretty good currently … now if court could just be finished and done with… or non existent then I be amazing lol … that’s my biggest fear I am trying to overcome – think I am getting handle on it? Maybe we will see.

Ok well I’m exhausted and I was chatty today. I am ready for bed.

Until tmrw ✌️

Gnite

The Maintenence guy… did his work and then we were chatting.. uhhhh hmm 🤔

Ok so if we are talking my instincts … they are warped because I am highly protective and guarded …

But he’s like will I see you next weekend? Yup I am here every Saturday and Sunday…

So then he says well maybe I will pop by tmrw ? Lol umm ok

And then I told him I was living in the country and he tells me he loves the country and wants to get himself a ranch someday … he understands my peace there…

So then he hands me his business card and says if I ever need anything give him a call

🤨 well that was nice – just my guards … it’s very hard to make those guards go down even when he is sooo very kind.

I don’t know how to not be protective ??? I have been in protection mode for a long time.

So gonna have to learn more shit 🤨

I have to run

Possibly Gnite ✌️

So I am close to all my kids… they all know how unconditionally I love them and am there for them with absolutely anything they need … if I am able … I do whatever I can… I would give my last breath for them…

They all do anything for me too, I never doubt their love for me ever ❤️ that is 3 loves I never ever have to ever question ❤️

So anyway… I did raise them right… with morals and compassion and empathy… they are fair… and I never hold them back from their father… I have never stood in their way for that. He is their father and if they feel they want a relationship with him- I have to allow that as long as they are safe.

When I was with my ex – he took things out on me… and he has been brutal… he always want his way at any cost and does not care about anyone else. I sheltered my kids from that … because I had an amazing childhood – I wanted that for them too… so I would step in and take the abuse if it had been directed at them… and I would shield them with love and comedy to make sure their childhoods were filled with laughter as much as possible…

I have to allow my children to make some decisions for themselves. They can decide that on their own how they feel. I am not going to make that choice for them… I need to allow them the freedoms to think and learn their own lessons. They are old enough to do so…

So anyway… something has been bothering my oldest… really bad … so we were talking … he is depressed … so I was asking questions. Whatever I can do to help – I will…

Well he said his father been getting mad at him for a lot of things … and he feels stuck.

He lives at his fathers at this moment – cause my place is too tiny… and I was homeless ever since I left and got this place… I don’t understand how the courts allowed that even while I was battling breast cancer but I have had no legal counsel and my ex lies to the courts – tells them everything he ever did – it was me… I am just quiet because no one listens – so I do for myself… I will be better off eventually – I am just trying to stand up and know the courts do not protect the family at all. So I am tired. My legal counsel doesn’t care and he makes sure she won’t help me.

Anyway… he lives with his father while he is saving for a place of his own… his makes over $150,000 a year – I don’t get even $1000… try living on that in California … rent is $1600+ and then bills and food and gas … I make minimum wage… with just a high school diploma … he won’t even send clothes to my house for our daughter knowing I have nothing – that’s not even for me… is for his daughter but he is taking out vengeance … so whatever … but he makes my son pay him rent … and then makes him do everything I did too… the house the kids etc.

Well they’ve been fighting evidentially

So today I am at work and my daughter wanted to go over a friends house for a sleep over … I told her well I can’t bring you over there until after say 6:30/7pm cause I work and then same thing for Sunday.

Well my son said – I can bring her for you… I said “are you sure?” He said yeah… his work is slow and keeps letting him go early … if he gets out early he would bring her …

This morning I messaged him and said … if you wanna hang at my house after you drop her off – the door is open… feel free – what’s mine is yours always. He did not respond (was probably sleeping at that moment – was early lol)

Well I had called to check on her and she was already at her friends house – so he obviously brought her for me.

I texted him thank you ❤️

And he messaged me back saying he is hanging out at my house for a little while ❤️

Just sounds like he needs respite / some moments to himself ??

So I asked if would like to stay for dinner ?? I don’t get out til 5… and won’t be home until like 6/6:30… but would he like to stay? I will be alone tonight anyway with daughter gone…

So he’s gonna stay and chill with me ❤️ I’m gonna make him dinner

He’s getting his own place soon, but I wondering how much longer he can handle his father.

I did see this happening… my ex is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing – he will use you for everything he needs and not care about anything you need. I think my son is seeing this … I always protected them from that and I was the one who raised them and was there…

Kinda sucks my son is having a hard time … if need be … I will make the room … they will always have a safe loving home as long as I am alive. There are no conditions or demands – i am looking for a 3rd job anyway… I just love them, they are amazing kids – I am very proud! ❤️

Well on the bright side … I get to make my son dinner tonight ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ yay!!! I had them last night and again tonight ❤️❤️❤️ so I am very very excited and thrilled and happy ❤️❤️❤️

Not so much that he is sad – but he will never be sad with me❤️

~ Sigh ~ 😒

So the president just did a news conference on our troops over seas and then also on the coronavirus because a woman in Washington “State” died last night – I guess the first death in the United States

I don’t feel very comfortable after watching that 😒

And then someone asked … should we restrict California travel 😳🤨… what?! Oh my god!

So now …I am here in Northern California … I am 47, I just battled breast cancer – I am still not the strongest… I literally just finished that about 6/7 months ago… I do still have medical issues caused by it.

So I’m a little nervous. Nothing I can do … but I am nervous more and more. I know you can’t think like that…

But on the other side of that, sometimes you have to…

What IF I die? I already went through this with the cancer … but it was different …

So what do I want?

I want my last words to be known… I want to make sure those I love and care for will be ok, and I want them to know how I feel always. (I always say anyway, but I mean more in depth with lesson information that I haven’t taught yet, you never have enough time to teach everything!) and I want them to be strong!! I do trust my parenting.

And cremation would probably be fine… cheaper … and I get a discount so won’t be so bad… what an incentive huh? But reality wise.

I don’t want people sitting around crying and being inconsolable … I don’t want to be remembered for dying.

I want to be remembered in life… for who I was and what I meant. I want to be remembered how deeply I loved and cared. (And also how self proclaimed hilarious I can be sometimes lol… even if you don’t think so- I did ❤️)

So when I die… I want a banquet… with my favorite foods and drinks… and I already have a playlist of music that I want playing in the background… my favorite color is purple – I want white table cloths and glass vases with purple flowers 💐

I want those I love to remember funny stories about when they were with me, or funny things I did, or quirky little mannerisms …and I want them to remember how I made them feel and how much I honestly loved them and always will.

And then lastly for now… I love magnets … I collect magnets … I keep them on white boards and they look like art 🖼 … every time I went anywhere … I got a “place” magnet from that place I went to… all my magnets are “place” magnets…

Magnets are cheap(ish) … but any time any of my friends go anywhere and ask me if they can bring me back anything… my answer is always “place magnet”! I love magnets that are from different places ❤️

So I am catholic… I would want for each guest and loved one to receive one prayer card (those are special to me and remind me of my grandparents and the old ways)

But I would also like each guest to get a magnet… but this one won’t be a place magnet … it will be a me magnet lol … maybe a photo – I will have to pick one… and then my info … date of birth and death… just for remembrance from time to time – I always want to be there.

Anyway so that’s all… I will have to write this all down with specific instructions lol

And sorry… I’m at a funeral home, I’m kinda old and have medical things, and just watched that press conference lol

Don’t panic he says … not panicking – but little nervous.

On lunch break… still have things to do… and oh yeah…

The phone rang – and it was that Maintenence guy lol… umm ok… so he asked me if we had any services going on today…

Uhhhh no – better not – I am the only one here!!! And no one informed me of anything lol

So he says oh ok… and it’s just you?

Uhhh yeah

Ok well I have to go here, here and here – and you will probably be my last job so I will swing by about 2 or 3.

Ok I will be here lol

So that was nice for the update of when he is coming… he has just never done that since I started so 🤨… lol … sorry just cautious – old habits die hard

Alright well enough of all this… I wanna get all my stuff done so tmrw be for whatever else I can get ahead of.

I will most likely be back later lol ✌️

Well then … I always get to every job early … always!!! Even when I try NOT to be so early – I am early 🤨 it just happens…

So I got to work about 20/30 minutes before I was supposed to… I just like to get in, set up, be ready… that sorta thing… I don’t like being rushed or being down to the second – I like to be cool calm and collected lol

When I am rushed – I forget everything!! So… always early

Anyway… I pull in and there are about 5 or 6 sheriffs vehicles 😮😳 omg not again lol … so I stopped before I went in and went over and asked to make sure everything was ok… yes they just stopped for a minute because was empty parking lot lol

Ok whew!!! No worries carry on

I am by myself again… I’m not supposed to be by myself – I am new and haven’t learned the ropes yet… I wing it for the most part – I have small instruction but not enough. Thrown into the fire. So I still need help from time to time because I am dealing with sensitiveness and also things I do not want to get wrong.

Doing good though! But I am new and no one has really gone over anything important with me. Like I said … I wing it and have done pretty well so far… I just wanna make sure I keep doing well and make sure I know how to properly handle death calls and all that stuff.

I wasn’t informed until this morning that I would be alone… so I didn’t know that today until I got in – and then they had set up some laptop for me but it is not working correctly – seems to be old and won’t do anything I need it to… so whatever – I’m here by myself – I am commandeering someone’s actual computer lol…

I have a few classes for this job to complete and also … if someone calls with a death call- I can not have that computer hanging like that. I need to be able to input that info in a timely manner.

I still love it here though ❤️ I really do love the peace … and I feel like when I have to help the families – I can really feel their pain… so I dunno – I can help them… I do love the job very much.

I have something else to mention so I’ll be back… is not job related but I have to do a few things currently ✌️