SMF

About to leave SMF to San Diego

Taking off so have to turn off phone 🙄

Whew 😳💔

Also flying southwest 😝😝 I hate them the most but they the cheapest

Ok have to go bye

What to say?

Hello…

Ok so… my mom… we transferred her to another hospital and thank god we did!! OMG!

The other hospital didn’t listen to us … we were complaining about her black and blues … they tell us “ totally normal” because of being in ICU

When she got to other hospital they ask about her black and blues … for her face… we show her what was last Friday… was small red bump on forehead … next day when my brother went the whole left side of her head was black and blue …

And then her arm was deep deep black and blue… they tell us because of ICU and her veins … we complain to new hospital about her arm and they did a CT scan and she has a massive blood clot!!

Omg

So we ask if time for me to fly out… they said yes

BE VERY CAREFUL with healthcare – make sure they listening and actually CARING for you!!!

So earliest flight I could book was for Sunday – I go on Sunday – I book one way. I’ll deal later with coming back.

My oldest son will watch or stay at my house…

Work is like whatever you need! I asked my Market Director about bereavement time – we are biggest funeral market and they only offer 3 days bereavement … but he says to me – I believe in open ended bereavement (but I am not sure if that is leave?) I don’t really know things right now?

It just a big whirlwind. That took a turn really fast

My work family – they are a family to me… they keep trying to give me money on Zelle and Venmo – I say stop!! ✋ … when I need something “I will say so” …

But they say I losing my mom and want me to not worry about anything 😭💔❤️❤️❤️

I give them instructions how to do without me… and line up coverage for my Oncall … they tell me to not worry, they will cover while I am handling this. Ok then.

I work half day today (my choice because I still have a mortgage to pay and if I don’t – I will just cry) I will also take computer and work remote from Texas as able. They tell me no… but I say I have to pay mortgage so… they say ok.

I work as able… if I can work great, if not oh well. I am lucky… I have the most incredible beautiful souls who surround me ❤️ I am very rich in people who are in my life ❤️ they amazing and also priceless ❤️

I always tell you find the earth angels!!! ❤️ seriously!!

We already have funeral home ready to go. My Market Director will be notifying the Market Director in Texas, because I am an employee – so when my mom does die 😭😭😭😭 (I don’t like to say those words) 😭😭… but when happens because I am employee and she is my mother – we get a 75% discount so they lining that up for me 😭💔❤️❤️❤️❤️

I feel?? I dunno? Some moments I am ok… other moments I cry and am not stable. My whole life with her flashes in my mind… and then a world without my mother 😭💔💔💔

That baby is me… everyone else is gone or dying 😭😭😭😭💔

We don’t even have blood family left for a funeral and she has had Alzheimer’s so there is no one. Just us 😭💔

And then I am the oldest. The matriarch 💔

Like I say… sometimes I am ok… and sometimes I am not. 💔

Life without my mom 💔 I never want to know what that feels like but I am about to 😭😭😭

And then she suffering so … I don’t want that for her 😭💔

Ok well – I have to go.

💔😭 please don’t go 😭😭😭 mom I love you so!!

https://youtu.be/ujwm8YrEgI4

She can go, I am ok to lose her because she is suffering – but I’m gonna miss her love soooooooo much 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔

I see your messages – but I haven’t had time to respond – I will – and I know not to worry … but it will help me through also ❤️😭💔 just fyi

Going…

I’m going to Texas. Booking flight now.

She not doing good 😭😭 I’m losing my mom 😭💔

I be back when able 😭💔

Ok …

Today we will open up a new subject… as if there was not already a million things…

First, let me tell you about my mom…

So… they think her arteries are clogged … they give us 2 options… we can do less evasive and clear with a heart stint… which is how my father did. 😳

Or open heart surgery – we don’t think she is strong enough for that… and we don’t want to see her in pain and suffering all confused … so what is that going to buy us? More suffering?

So we opt for less invasive. HOWEVER they can’t get her system to level out – is all over the place… kidney function, blood pressure etc… so they test her stool (sorry tmi but it’s medical and my mom so whatever) she had blood in her stool

And this damn hospital does not have a gastroenterologist and instead of having an able bodied doctor get his fuckin ass into his car and drive over to see her… they transport her to another hospital in her condition – not far from where she was to begin with.

Why? So they can charge us for another ambulance ride?? And rack up more charges? Yeah … welcome to the United States 🤨 the almighty dollar! Disgusting … oh just move the patient – yeah that’s smart and considerate of patient … I am being very sarcastic, because is none of that!

Maybe I am too Californian?? That’s ridiculous move the patient – yeah money money money

This is healthcare.

Where is they oath they take? Do they even know it?

Anyway, they transport her tonight – no one could be with her because they do it late – so she gonna be confused and upset and scared.

My brother call me to vent today because he couldn’t take the doctors anymore – they suck – they never call when they say – which we understand but then they are just too busy to explain anything or give clear info. Healthcare stretched thin also.

All systems down over here.

Well anyway, my brother and I are the only ones really left – we are only ones who know that pain together… so we extremely close. I am older sister – he is my little brother – but he’s not so little lol ✌️

He is bigger than me … taller and rounder – also bald lol 😘✌️ if you see our smiles together – you can see family resemblance … we both have a lot of freckles lol …

He upset too… we lost both our parents so fast – I am so thankful to have him. We kinda cling together with everything we been through. It’s hard. He’s taken the brunt.

So anyway… my mom will be seen by this Dr and see what causing the bloody stool – which they “think” is effecting her system to fluctuate.. if they can get her system stable – we can THEN revisit the cardiologist.

Ok. So that is what I am looking at with that. Alright. But that’s my mom, please be gentle and careful at least… please treat her good. 🙏 don’t scare her.

Ok well I don’t wanna cry all up on that… so moving on…

Now we gonna touch on another touchy subject… are you ready to air out some dirty laundry? Because if you have any experience with – please help me know how to do. 🙏🙏🙏 please share experience or advice – anything know!

Ok … well … we have a sister … she is 9 years younger than me. And 4 years younger from my brother … her and my brother do not get along at all and he is done with her currently.

I haven’t spoken to my sister in a long time. Maybe 2 years? We were REALLY close once… finish sentences – we look the same only different colorings – same parents, just different 🧬 genes.

My hair is more red, hers is a dirty blonde… I am white with freckles – do not tan at all normally. She tans and has only few freckles.

I am the shortest at 5’7”… my sister is 5’9”… and my brother is 6’2” lol … my sister and I are tall and thin – leggy… my brother is tall but puts on weight as he ages – he used to be thin like us – but not now lol

My eyes are blue/green… hers are brown.

I take after Irish more… she takes after Lithuanian more. I take after my mothers side more “ALL IRISH” , my brother is good mix, and my sister is my fathers side, which is Irish & Lithuanian

We look like sisters and mannerisms are same, laugh is same, smile is same. To see us side by side is a trip. I love her. She’s my baby sister. ❤️

I am the optimistic one… I was funny, beautiful, popular no matter which state we in… always had boys asking me out … my sister was little but she would be jealous and wish she was same – she was in my shadow.

Growing up we moved around alot … but I always make friends quick, really quick – I had to… I don’t have those life long friends you have through school – we weren’t anywhere long enough for me to do that.

But was first born so… I had my whole family all to myself for 5 years before my brother came. I was the only one to know my great grandmother

I had the normal Rockwell perfect type childhood… happy loved – big close family …

My brother had same as me for large portion of his life – but he is half and half … I had it all.

But we Irish 🤨 Irish hold grudges … so after my great grandmother died, they all lost their minds and fight and then not speak 🤨 … this was the adults 😳 so then no more of that big happy family

So by time my sister was growing up – times had changed and no one spoke … the family was different …

She was 3rd born and the baby… my parents more settled by then. And they didn’t move as much, plus my dad got sick.

My dad was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma when he was 39… I was 16… my brother was 11, and my sister was 7.

I left home at 18 to get married and start life. So when I left … my sister was only 8, almost 9. We were close but I moved out and started life so I think she maybe sad with that ? And then instead of the happy childhood “I” had… she watched my father be sick… and always at hospital and that’s your life when you sick.

So my parents felt she was robbed of that happy childhood so they babied her – she was the baby and babied anyway …

She got away with anything and they would baby her … with me they like “you a big girl, figure it out” 🤨

Meanwhile, they give her cars and help her get a hairdressing license …

One day she 18 and she say… I’m getting married on Saturday … and next thing we knew she pregnant

My dad was furious and they turn to me… my brother and my sister listen to me… so I can sometimes be voice of reason?

So I try, and she stubborn and refused to listen to anyone… so we either let her make her own mistakes or we lose her anyway. So we accept

He’s an asshole… He’s bad to her – just like mine was … we didn’t know then… but he is a loser.

We have a codependency thing… is how raised – the man is supposed to take care of the woman and the family and the woman raises the children. We supposed to be able to trust and believe – but hello have you seen the world?? So that doesn’t go over so well in this era

Also I tell you I am Irish catholic because that what we just say… because I am Irish and catholic lol ✌️ but it’s actually same as Roman Catholic which is a more rule ridden catholic in my world. (Mexican catholic is not AS strict with rules and their masses are not in Latin like Roman Catholic)

Plus since we were sheltered too… sheltered from all the bad of the world – so they didn’t teach us what to be careful of.

It created the perfect storm …

We believe that when you marry – that is it… no divorce … you can NOT divorce without sin can beat you whatever – nope not grounds for divorce.

The only way to leave a marriage without sin is when there is adultry… when mine committed adultry and the woman showed up at my door… I literally heard my chains drop!! He freed me with that cause I didn’t care after that … he was nothing to me then – and that’s when I changed my life.

Anyway… with our upbringing and the catholic rules – it was perfect storm.

With something like that – in order to change your life – you have to want it, and realize it for own self… it requires effort and change.

You have to completely change your mind set. I had to back away from the catholic religion… I do still claim catholic because that’s what I am and what I know. But I back away – I find it heavy … and it is not healthy for me with any religious rules. Nope… I can do nice and easy, pray do my thing – but no rules. You can’t tell me how or who to be. Screw that / not doing that again… so no rules – boundary drawn.

I pray my own way, privately – in the simplest form of catholic so. That’s it

My brother remains heavy catholic. Whatever – that’s his thing. When I visit him, I have to be heavy catholic for a second 😝… but I respect his ways so whatever … I’m fine with it / I just hang in the back. I don’t participate in big group. I just hang back.

My sister has nothing to do with any of it. Not even on her radar

Anyway… her and her husband always struggled – he and his family were awful people…

My parents didn’t want to see their grandchildren suffer – I was lucky in that mine worked and had work ethic… hers did not. So they help her.

But then they bleeding my parents so my dad took my mom after he was in remission for few years, and they retired to a state far away – over by me. I got to see them more ❤️ not a lot – but more

Then she would turn to my brother for help or me even far away … also my parents – always asking for help or money… and they would make you feel bad. So you help always.

I have been in a position of mercy with people – I have had moments when I had to ask for help or money … omg it’s awful – you completely at mercy and feel so small…

Awful way to live …

But it does not bother her?? She doesn’t even flinch

Never has – just thinks we should all take care of them? We have our own families and struggles

And battling through cancer – she didn’t call to see how I was – I would only hear from her if she need money.

But you can’t because it is never enough and never ends … so we distance so she can learn for herself. You can’t force someone to do what they don’t wanna do??

So… anyway… I have not spoke to her in maybe 2 years? She will text me on birthdays or holidays yes and I will her… but she will always ask for money so we just distance

We have pulled strings and called in favors… we have massive connections between me and my sister in law…

They cut every string and burned every bridge. No one had the money to support them. Neither worked… able bodied. They just don’t wanna work?? I dunno??

So… we try getting her into a womens shelter – and we got her there, it was going good … but she is adult… and he comes back – says whatever to her and she leave with him not caring what we have helped her with.

So whatever – my brother is done with her – just done.

She breaks my heart and makes me worry… I worry one day I get a call to say my sister died. So ya know?

I was working and then had to run to one of the other funeral homes – when I came back – I set my phone down…

Ugh that thing just goes off all the time – with my funeral people – my own doctors – my brother – contractors and all kinds of things. It’s always going off. Ugh that phone

The minute I put it down it went off… ugh ok … so I turn it over and it says the state my sister is in… my eyes widened… and I answer and it’s her. 😮😮

She is crying and I can’t understand her. So I ask “are you crying because of mom?”

And she stops crying and says “what’s wrong with mom?”

She has hard time to believe mom has Alzheimer’s but she is not there and hasn’t been there – it has been my brother and me!! Just us… she did nothing and never asked only for money.

Money money money – the almighty dollar.

Anyway … I avoided question about mom for moment and then there it was – crying to get money… then asked if I would get her a hotel room … they are over $150 … it won’t stop there – if you do that then she will say she starving – hasn’t eaten…

So you will have to order her food too… and then what happens tmrw night ? And the next night? What is your plan to fix?

She can’t … she is too co-dependent on him…

I ask her … are you doing drugs? She got real quiet

I said her name … and repeated the question

She said yes.

I said what drugs? Which ones?

She wouldn’t answer and when I pressed she said she can’t speak about that right now. 🤨

Ok well – mom is having issues … I do not have extra money to save her ass… and she won’t save herself

I said “ you leave him, go no contact, you come out here with me… I get you help and help you stand up… I give you job, good job – I will improve your life and you be happy, come be my sister” ❤️🙏

She refuses to go no contact with him – “she loves him and he helps her” … fuckin helps you? Do what?? Get drugs?

I’m sorry

Once dad died – the bank of mom and dad closed.

And if you so much as give them anything – they always gonna ask. And make you feel bad.

If she go no contact with him – I help her. That is my boundary. No contact or nothing … let me move you across the country away from him. Get away from him before he kills you!!

But she doesn’t listen … so I’m sorry. I love you, but I’m sorry.

And then I feel guilty – because my parents wouldn’t want this for her.

I can’t force her to come to me… she knows my boundary so …

If she come to me – her life will change. But she is too scared or chemically imbalanced to know that. I would love to have my sister back!!

But how far in is she?? And what drugs?? What am I looking at? Some would be over my head but I have connections so… I have people I can pull in.

So. You can’t force someone to do anything – they have to want it and be ready for it. So. When she ready I’m here. But she’s gotta take a step.

What I have to do is set clearer boundaries … if you want to call me to chat that is good yes that’s fine … maybe I make her laugh so she not depressed and want to come?

But if you gonna ask me for money – don’t. The answer is no. I have breast things that I have to take care of …and my mom… and my own survival and things.

I help you… but you know what my boundary is.

She refuses to cut ties and keeps saying “but he helps me”

I hate him – is also a satan … but I don’t know how to save her… she has to do that. I can’t do for her… she has to!!!

But she has to be at a point of wanting different or hitting bottom?

She gonna miss mom. I know my mom holds on for her… she gonna miss mom and regret…

When we would all be together / me her and mom were like 3 peas ❤️ we all have same mannerisms, smiles, laugh etc lol … just a bunch of carbon copies or clones lol ✌️😘 but we were extremely close!!

I am the level headed calm one, my brother is the hot head, and my sister was the princess one

If mom dies, she will never forgive self for missing our parents. 💔 and don’t you care? I know … it’s the drugs – I know. 💔

I feel stuck between my mom and my sister now.

I can’t give her money or I can’t be with mom … so my mom deserves to have her family with her in her hour of death. If my sister would wake up – she could be there too?

I don’t think she is strong enough to make any move. There is always excuse and obviously drugs so what I do??

What would you do? What experience you have?

Yes I know, tough love because she won’t learn … we love her so much but again if she doesn’t want to help herself – nothing I do will have any worth

We do this for 30 years so we tired and we distance – she grown woman… we all make our choices

But I feel guilty because that is my blood 🩸… my sister – I love her. But I don’t know how far gone she is? I do not know she will ever leave him. Ever – she will never cut him off so 🤷‍♀️ you can not force – she will have to realize and want.

So.

💔 I did not see that one coming today while I at work!! Holy crap!

Come to me… I help you … I make your life better and teach you to be strong… I protect you… come to me.

But she’s gotta go no contact. I’m sorry – I’m not bringing that drama into my life without no contact. I’m sorry. I work very hard for my own peace — I am willing to help her … but it’s not gonna be for nothing like always – so no contact or nothing. I’m sorry

That is hard too

Boy! When it rains – it monsoons!!!

So. One of those homeless – is my sister 💔

What are my options?

Also… if one more thing happens I am going back to the middle of no where!!!! Omg do I miss the middle of no where!!

Ok life – stop ✋ no more!! Stop!

Ripple in my timeline

Well… I got to see my mom today – on FaceTime ❤️

Her New England accent is back and very noticeable – we moved around a lot – it was mixed in many dialects of the areas we lived in.

She was very swollen… one whole side of her head is black and blue from her fall… and she had tubes 💔😭

It is hard for see my mom like that. I want her, I ache for her – but she suffer. 💔😭

And then … with my dad… when he was really sick we almost lost him many times… her trauma

But every time paramedics saved him .. so we got another day… then we just believe they save always. Until one day they couldn’t.

So I worry about me to have hope she be ok – and then lose her. If I brace for her loss I be stronger. If I have hope and she doesn’t make it – I would be crushed. Puddle on floor. Not functioning at all.

I pray. 🙏 … I dunno about hope? Life is hard to trust. Nothing is promised.

I do need to brace – this is my mother… this death will be my biggest impact – it’s my mom 😭💔 she is my biggest impact 😭💔💔 I have an amazing mother 💔 I am very lucky 🍀

Anyway… she also has massive massive bruising on her arm – which they tell us… they “think” is because was hard to get her veins for IV? And things? I dunno – is massive and black and blue deeply

We ask her who I am… she called me 5 different names – of my people – but not me…

We asked her who she was… she said “I’m Trisha”

I said … “No mom, I’m Trisha” and again we ask who are you… and then she said her name ❤️

I said “I love you mom” and she said “I love you too Trisha” … there was this way she would say things with empathy and she said that with empathy… like she knew I be so sad without her?

Oh my goodness … yeah she’s my huge impact. My mom 😭💔 I miss her. I miss her in there!! I love her with all my heart … it is sooo hard

Never in a million years did I think we would lose our parents the way we did. Didn’t see that coming.

But never in a million years did I think many things… and here we are.

Oh goodness

Ok so… I will know more this week. I will find out if I need to be in Texas 😭💔

Please pray I can function too… this is someone I love with all my heart!! So this one is very hard – I love them all with all my heart … but this is my mother and she just was an incredible mother…

Very loving and gentle. Funny … kinda dorky sometimes lol but she made us laugh – she still has that personality spark ? ❤️ I still see her

The worst movie of all time… I’m sorry … but it is:

https://youtu.be/zZNC5emNyEQ

I loved Adam Sandler until that movie – the trailer makes it look like be funny… and he was normally funny then…

So I went into that movie thinking be funny… omg I do not know how many times it made me cry!

Because of time – and what you should cherish because of time.

I wish there was a remote to rewind time. I need a rewind ⏪

I just wanna wish for so much … and for things I know I can’t have. No money in the world can give me what I want, which is NOT to lose her.

I have to accept life, but I am totally not wanting to!!!

So anyway… currently they do not know what is going on… her blood pressure up and down… her kidneys up and down with functioning… and heart operating at 35% – she is in ICU … they tell me not yet… but tmrw we speak to doctors

Whew.

Ok so … you will have to bare with me through this because – I really do not know how my functioning will be? I don’t know how to process this one yet. I don’t know yet. But I am afraid.

I will bounce back but I am afraid to lose her.

I can’t imagine life without my mom. And how fast everything happened when I turn around and look back.

So I don’t know.

What you gonna do? 💔😭

My mom always loved this song…

https://youtu.be/icfq_foa5Mo

But I feel like this…

https://youtu.be/E0H3Bk3rG0U

Ugh 😩 💔 it hurt a lot 😭💔

My mom ☹️💔

Yes … I am sort of eating … not sleeping well. But I can’t help that. everything happen at same time. I can’t do all at once – one at a time

Is life – whether I want to or not… I gonna be forced to accept. Bleh!! I want to NOT be ready – but I don’t have that say.

A huge ripple in my timeline ❤️

https://youtu.be/qsIeC_bYNCY

😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔

I don’t want to say goodbye!!! 💔😭 how I say goodbye to her??????????

Status …

So today June 12th 2022 … would have been my parents 51st wedding anniversary …

My mother had been intubated… since Friday – today we took tube out. Swelling has gone down since removing but her tongue is black and blue so not sure what brought that on?

Her heart is operating at 35% … they running kidney tests, and tmrw at 1pm for a eeg to check her brain function … we speak to cardiologist (heart doctor) tmrw morning and we see how much time we have:

I have spoken to work and they know what going on … at a moments notice I be going back to Texas,

I will get flights lines up this week and see what able to do… they are expensive

I may ask if I can work remotely from a location there or my brothers house.

We are using one of my funeral homes when time comes / we are global… so she will have 75% discount because she is my mother 😭💔😭😭

So we see what happens – I will know more tmrw

I have been crying alot … I wish someone was closer so you could be with me through this 😭💔 cause I not do so well – it is my mom 😭💔

I have support … country boy been supportive, work has been supportive and whatever I need they do…

And my kids too… very supportive… I have wonderful gracious support ❤️

Many friends and my oldest offering to help me if needed – I am blessed with who is in my life ❤️ I am so thankful for my people ❤️

That is why I tell you so much – make sure you have good people in life! For moments like this

So … I really don’t know anything else in the world that’s happening – I am losing my mother so that is my only focus 😭💔

I can’t tell you anything else because I know nothing else 😭💔

I have been crying off and on … I picked up someone else’s birthday present today… I give it to them tmrw… they gonna help me with the flight info…

And with my work there will be bereavement time but not much – we are a global funeral company and we only offer 3 days bereavement… I will be adding vacation and see if I can work remote ? I can go to other funeral home and work out of there ?? Maybe for moment ?

Just everything is crushing at moment because is my mom 😭💔

But maybe good news from cardiologist tmrw 🙏🙏🙏 please pray for my mom 😭💔

I don’t even remember anything about me??

I don’t remember what I tell you?? Since I didn’t do tests … they reach out to me on Friday and say they have counseling that is part of my “team” so did I want that

Yes I do…. but that will have to wait

Whew – this gonna be a summer – not at all what I expect

Why I not see that? I should have known.

There is no DNR (Do not resuscitate) so I tell my brother – please keep her alive until I am there

😭💔 my mom 😭💔

He say ok and we see how this is week goes.

So I’m sorry I might not read or be here 😭💔 we see.

I was supposed to do many things this weekend – I did nothing

When everything happened – everything else went on back burner – is my mom

I don’t even remember what I was supposed to do?

I feel very foggy to remember things I have to do to function?

Tmrw I have work… I go early

I have to get to bed. I am tired

My mom 😭💔 don’t leave me 😭😭😭 but it’s ok if you do – I just love you 😭😭😭 💔 I have hard time because is my mom 💔💔💔

Alright

Ok … so one of the reasons I do the blog, the way I do it, is because I know mental health is issue with people – including myself.

But what I wish to portray is “Life” … we are not taught life… there is no manual. You have to do the best you believe, but life will throw things at you.

What I want you to keep in mind, is that … sometimes life gives incredible highs… you are so happy that your heart could burst, and you feel like you are on top of the world.

https://youtu.be/w5tWYmIOWGk

Then you have moments that are just peaceful, and some that are not.

In life you will see things that will stick in your mind and effect who you are or how you think.

I also want to show you that sadness and devastation is part of life too for all of us.

I feel it is more healthy when you see all sides of life. I like to avoid bad things if I can. 2017 was my absolute year of devastation… but 2022 probably gonna punch me. Whew ok.

But I want you to see “A” life with ups and downs – not perfect. Plus you only know my words mostly.

Life is truly a rollercoaster.

These are things you need to stay strong through.

I sometimes wonder if I will die from that broken heart syndrome thing… I think my heart will take me out. Someday.

The heart is something that I am sensitive with. 💔 inside my heart actually bleeds – I’m pretty sure, cause it feels that way.

So I have to prepare myself for my mother to pass 😩😭😭

Ok so I know this is coming. Whew.

I don’t have her now. 💔 I lost both my parents when my dad died 😭💔

But… ok so I struggle because my heart jumps in and scrambles my brain… but then the brain keeps trying to bring my heart into reality. Sometimes the heart power is very strong!

Those 2 sides clash!!!

It’s just … my mom 😭 …so see, even in my writing you are going to see heart – and then also my brain trying to make it stable.

So … my mom … all 3 of us were attached to her hip. She was beautiful and gentle and kind – soft sweet old school demeanor … I am her carbon copy… only difference is – I am more modern version … sorta I older now though

I am the oldest of 3… I have a brother and a sister.

I love them very much. ❤️ we are across the United States from each other don’t get to see very often but we text and talk or FaceTime all the time – they like the only people I FaceTime lol

My mom was funny – she was always making us laugh ❤️❤️ you never ever ever doubted her love for you… she was devoted to her family and children.

The last of the classic generation.

She had good morals and was a wonderful role model for how to be a person… but she did kinda raise me for 100 years ago… so 🤷‍♀️ whatever – I work it and own it, so I figure out. Sometimes best lessons are ones you learn for own self.

When I would get in trouble, of course she would say my first and middle name lol … the full one lol

She just had a very loving and kind nature – always taking care of others … the doctors wanted to ask her what she would like to do… but my brother has power of atty. and if you asked my mother what she wish to do… she would tell you either: “oh no don’t worry about me, or oh ok.”

My mannerisms are just like her. I look like her when she was younger.

She is my heart – loving and caring … funny and whatever lol … that part is her

My father is my mind – realistic – that part is him

My dad always seemed ocd? Or that’s what they always used for excuse

Every morning they would have their cereal bowls and things set out perfectly … was that to remind someone of what happens in the morning ? Or just my dads ocd?

My mom would save things for sentimental reasons and my dad would label and categorize it.

So mostly I am my mothers daughter. But I also have pieces of my father.

Or is that for me to remember?

You are effected by how raised and what you go through… who the people are in your life.

Keep people who love you and have your back. Make sure you love who you are… keep people who will have your back through the worst of times. The solid ones. Earth angels

See … there is an American Christmas movie classic called “It’s a Wonderful Life” … you see how one person can effect another’s life… and you see humanity and how precious relationships are.

And then I have their life in photos and movies – so to watch and be in the ending really breaks my heart. 💔 I am not ready for the ending

But then like I said I do not have her – she is not here with me 😭 what I have of my mother is gone so to know and watch her suffer just pulls my heart out.

I want her back sooo badly … that’s my mom 😩😭💔

But then I also want her to have peace

But then that means she won’t be here at all 💔😭

I am blessed to have had such amazing parents and was given a good life to be raised in… I know I am lucky and thankful with that.

When she dies … I be the oldest in the family 😮

I am blessed for my mom – thank you for giving HER to me ❤️

Just to lose her hurts so much and my mom was supposed to live forever. 🙏✌️

I just see her life…. As comes to end … and then my heart breaks 💔

I see a lot of death … but after the death … to actually go through the death is more heart wrenching – harder to keep stable since your heart aches and you want to cling.

Yes I miss my mom… I want her back

She always would say when we die everyone we ever loved be waiting there all happy and excited to see you.

My mom was optimistic type – I am somewhat that way mostly I think … but her world was always sunshine and roses 🌹- we would tease her – but we are same

She always teased me saying I lived in “Pleasantville” because people always so nice to me

Ok so… the end. Ok I guess I can maybe grow up? Which I have as a person – but as a daughter I have not… I do not want to let go – please don’t leave me

But then it’s better for her to have peace – and what I have anyway? I want peace for her

One day… you will lose your people… one day your world changes. Sometimes you have no choice.

We have Covid, we have war, economy is awful, everyone fights … but do we see?

Just life?

https://youtu.be/RNOTF-znQyw

😭

So ok – life.

Sometimes is amazing – sometimes punches you in gut! You have to be ok through punches – be strong

Have a strong support around you… is ok to push away to have a moment of peace … everyone handles things differently. Handle the way best but be strong… is moment

https://youtu.be/aDBkbRmYFkI

So life does that. Be aware. Don’t take for granted

Anyway… so my mothers status…

My mom had a heart attack yesterday, they did chest compressions before transporting her to hospital … so maybe her heart stop for moment ? 😭💔

She is fine in hosp sedated and still intubated – they intubated her yesterday – they sedated her because she did not want that down her throat and we are afraid she will take it out.

So because of her age (75) and Alzheimer’s we are going to less invasive treatment rather that open heart surgery for stint… we gonna pull the intubation tube out tmrw … and she gonna stay in hosp under supervision and see what happens 🙏

She takes a drug for high blood pressure that she has taken for years called:
Lisinopril

But suddenly they think is causing the allergic reaction causing her stomach and tongue to swell, they still have not been able to get that swelling down

So.

Oh yeah and also… I have not done any medical tests… now they call me to offer counseling saying is part of my team – I was on call so I was taking someone’s death call when they left that message. I have not called back yet

Last week a man with similarities to my dad died and last night someone had my mothers name…

Do you believe life sends you signs? Is he calling for her? Ya know? Is time for them to be back together?

So I try very hard to prepare myself – but it is hard. With so much. Death just surrounds me at moment 😮 and is it giving me warning signs? I don’t know?

My parents were so in love always… never lost that … when you see a deep deep deep love like that and one passes (if they older) it seems like the other will pass within 5 years.

I kinda lost both parents the day my dad died so …

Shouldn’t this be easier ? Since I know is coming and I work in it? But no it is not. I will never get to have my parents on this earth again.

I am strong … I am used to change. I can adapt..

But my heart breaks to lose my mom 💔😭 heart wrenching… just pull my heart out type

So what if I am not ready to lose her – life does not play on MY time line. So … I am half heart and half realist … that is like the worst combo ever!!!

Half the time I cry… half the time I pep talk self into reality

My oldest coming over to be with me and hang today ❤️ he been doing that a lot

He gonna see that I cry today 😮 I am swollen lol … I am allergic to crying ✌️😘 all the water of my body goes to my tears and swells my face lol … plus it makes me all red and blotchy … see allergic. ✌️

Ok I have to go. I let you know as I can 😘❤️✌️

I love you – thank you for being there ❤️✌️

My mom

My mom was seizing this morning 😮😵

And her tongue and stomach swelled

Not good news

She is in hospital – they could not bring down swelling and she is now intubated.

We don’t know much yet – but that is the nature with Alzheimer’s 😩

She fell this morning into that seizure… and they send me pictures because she has huge bruise on forehead and scratches

They tell us – not good news … they been running tests and we know more shortly.

Oh boy … 2022 … please have mercy!!

Yeah – nope

Ok so there is nothing like throwing everything possible at me all at once 😮😮😮 oh my!!

So yeah I want second opinion – I just look at lab work they want me to do… nope – it for my spine

Did you not hear what I say? It is not my spine is my breast … so I’m just not gonna schedule that… and I will book appt with another doctor.

She wrong – I’m telling you straight up is breasts so are you gonna listen or not? She doesn’t know me or my history and she’s wrong

So yeah we will just redo – those are the wrong tests. I am not going through shit again so… are gonna listen? Or just no?

I am not doing any of those tests – I will make appt with another doctor. The tests are wrong… so no. Didn’t listen so nope … it’s 100% the breasts!!

The fuckin spine – dumb – it’s not the spine. If you see photos I have you would understand so… I am not doing those tests. I will see one more doctor.

Yes, life is precious. Those tests are wrong. It’s my breasts not my spine so whatever – not doing. I gladly force myself to do, when they listen and know what doing

(I still want the nurse… she was amazing! She listened ❤️)

One more try. We see

Ok then daughter… I am disappointed in a grade she bring me. Also, lately someone has been umm?? I don’t know the word to use? Taking for granted? So… I tell her I am disappointed and explain where and what she is taking for granted.

That was big discussion – mostly me… I lay it down.

Ok so – ready little girl… welcome to mom’s summer training for the pre-adult lol 🙌

There will be subjects and fun lessons – so… summer 2022 …

https://youtu.be/o1tj2zJ2Wvg

Yeah woman gonna have some lessons this summer – don’t worry … this is my 3rd time

Then work… and of course I am always busy!! Crazy busy!! Always

But gas is climbing – and remember the job close to me? I want it… because I save so much just in gas – immediately – I could walk to work ❤️❤️❤️

I would not need a car!! 😮 I would have one for dr and stuff but I wouldn’t need it! Maybe I wouldn’t have one… we have a lot of golf carts and NEV vehicles that drive in my city 🙄 lol whatever – but that’s an option lol

They want me and position wide open… so I don’t know that I can say no? So that is pressure – how I gonna say no? … I think of gas prices and other things so… I don’t think I can afford to say no…

Usually it’s life that pushes me… now death is pushing me 🤨 it is pushing me closer to home.

When gas was normal… I liked working in another city… no one knew me there – just from where I work and I never know anyone who dies before they die. When I come home – it’s like an escape… different area – away from big city … is nice

But then I will be literally RIGHT HERE!!! IN MY TOWN 😮😮 I know people here… many… and they know me!!

And then my work will be closer to home… do I want death closer to home ?? Ummm nervously when I look at gas and wear & tear on car – ok yes fine come closer to home.

The gas prices – I just can’t and they supposed to go higher … so I think I have to take it? We see I gonna ask questions

But that’s little pressure to leave my group, my people. I still be in same company but another group and another funeral home. By my house 😮

I could walk

So how I gonna say no?

I pushed now

Ok so whatever

And then

I dunno… is all just a lot

It’s a lot.

So leave my people 😮 go to new people 😮

No commute, no gas ⛽️ 🙌

Train daughter to adult correctly

And see another doctor.

Sounds like nothing- but it’s alot

I have millions of thoughts on so much!!

Oh yeah I also have to get the real license before my birthday because my drivers license expires on my birthday!!! Ugh 😑 the DMV

https://youtu.be/drhsKTAkRZc

Omg so much stuff ✋ stop!! Ugh

Ok well whatever – I got it!

https://youtu.be/rsrigY6i0Zs

The nurse I want

I went to doctor. She was ok… I don’t know she totally listened but we see.

So I got there, filled out some forms and met the nurse I spoke to yesterday – she was the sweetest ❤️ I adore this nurse!!

The only reason I am giving them any kind of chance is because they have been nice and kind … not like the other place … the other one – you were just a number.

This nurse is so kind and compassionate – what a good person she is ❤️

She was asking me tons of funny questions …

She ask me if I am pregnant or plan to be lol …

Ok so … if you gonna ask me questions like that you gonna get funny answers … if you directly asking me a question I’m just gonna say what answer hits my mind at that moment ?? Lol ✌️

So are you pregnant? So I laughed and was like “god no!!”

Then she ask me … do you still have a period?

Unfortunately

And she starts to laugh … then she asks … are you sexually active? “Oh no no!! God no, Nope!!” And she started to laugh because of my reaction (women know)

She then asked series of questions and wanted to know if I smoked or drank … lol … nope nada.

So then she says “so you a good girl then – no smoking, no drinking, no sex?”

I just very quickly said “I’m just smart” lol ✌️😄

We were talking and she ask where I work and I tell her … well she just lost her husband so she cried and then apologized for crying to me… and then she tell me little about it

She was Indian – so they do the washing … and cremation … that’s what she tell me. She said she is so thankful and kept saying that to me even ❤️🙏 the person who helped her she said was perfect how thankful they are and how beautiful it was …it does make a difference to people – they grieve and so when you help them through dark time – they thankful. That was her.

What a sweet sweet woman. ❤️ She is still really heartbroken over her loss 💔 awww

Is hard. Because your heart entangles. The “heart strings“ … and you lose someone and then the world is not the same. She is still in the stage where it feels like he’s gonna walk back in any moment – she just lost him ☹️💔

And you just imagine growing old with someone and then that doesn’t happen – she’s got grown kids who help her ❤️ omg sweetest woman ever ❤️ I like her a lot

Can they just assign me a nurse? Can I just have her ? I like HER!! ❤️

I feel comfortable with them because they show me humanity not cold doctor stuff – that is the ONLY reason they getting my time of day.

They have to set me up with a couple other doctors… so I ask for female

For most won’t be issue … but I might have to have a man here or there

We see.

I’m supposed to put my life in a man’s hands ha!

We see.

Yeah I know – issues – whatever

My first plastic surgeon was a man – awful person. I have photos but I don’t want to show.

My second was a woman who fixed what the man did so.

Yeah … we see.

I am just cautious.

If my life gonna be in your hands for whatever – I’m gonna be cautious man or woman but I am more at ease with a woman … AND …

I got teary and had the lump in my throat, but I didn’t sob … cried a little but I did good!! I didn’t cry the whole time… I could handle.

It was because of that nurse – just let her be my nurse!! Just assign her to me!! I need her lol … it was her who make me not cry like normal ❤️

Sweet woman with a good heart ❤️ they should just let me have her – she’s perfect! Right away! I wish she was my doctor. Then I would be fine – I would trust her. Yeah like that. So… I’m glad she was there. I’m sorry for her loss and sadness 💔

Is hard to see people have that heart bleed.

Anyway… was her. ❤️ I did not sob because of her ❤️ I was able to keep composure mostly – because of her ❤️

So. We see.

They wanna do an MRI, on my breasts and we can get good look at implants. Make sure no rupture or problems.

And then she think something else has to do with my spine… but I think she’s wrong… I have scoliosis – it’s mild – you wouldn’t notice but I can show you how my spine curves if I bend over and touch my toes … one shoulder blade is higher than the other.

But she thinks the pain I have coming from breast to my back and up my neck is spine related

I think she’s wrong – but we see.

They gonna ex ray my spine or something ?? I dunno whatever hope you right – we see

I also have to have a lot of blood work done. Meh

See … they invading my life again.

It wouldn’t be so bad if they just let me have that woman all the time… just let her talk to me lol

But they are invading. I am back with doctors and hospitals. I am more comfortable at this place since they have been human and kind. Ok we see

But that was first time I go to doctor for this and not sob… so I wish to have her with me every time so I be fine… it was her… so I want her.

But yeah they don’t do that. They do not have patient advocates anywhere

I just wish they did because she made me feel at ease… so I want her. She has a gentle heart. And was sweet and kind and funny and human! So I just wish they would let me have her to come with me every time!

So I dunno… they kind of invading little bit or a lot already. Ugh ok

The doctor was a woman, and she seemed nice, she was Indian too but she seemed little colder than the one I like … very nice just not as human? More doctor.

She was still nice – I don’t know she quite listen to what I say is pain – it has nothing to do with my spine – my spine is fine – don’t go looking for stuff !!

It’s not my spine … why do they not listen? But whatever – just whatever – go ahead you be the doctor, we see.

Yeah – I think they need to let me have that nurse woman for all my appts with whoever – I just want her. She has compassionate heart and sweet soul, I want her. I am absolutely positive I wish to have her!! Like instant!

Some people you just click instant – I click with her instant!! Right away!!

So. I really wish they let me have her. I won’t sob with her!! She already be in hospital so I’m not bringing anyone … they really should allow a patient advocate like that. I would like her to be mine. She could explain things and then I wouldn’t sob.

I keep saying that because I want that – but it’s not a thing so I’m just dreaming because they invading.

They doing good with me though … they allowing me to breathe through it and take slow… we doing step by step so I not too overwhelmed – but I dunno

It’s seemingly getting little invasive? Careful – trigger. Be careful – just let me have that one woman!! I felt calm with her there. I did not want her to leave.

See I just want that lady. I could be ok with her. I attached 😮 she just had such a beautiful soul so … that would make me feel better. I just didn’t sob so…

I don’t really remember what else happened in the day? It is half day because is last week of school.

Also… rather on the hot side now… omg here we go… but no then it drops. So I dunno what weather doing?

I also have no idea what’s happening in the world or the next big thing is? I know there is still a war … my gas is almost $7.00 … yes … almost SEVEN!! Check it… this was this morning… Northern California USA

Yeah zoom in on that shit!! Omg

What the F?!

Ridiculous!

https://youtu.be/RijB8wnJCN0

It’s gonna force me. Ugh stupid stuff

This is dumb! Seriously? Ugh 😑

So.

Ok tmrw is Wednesday

Hump day? The middle of the week. You away from Monday lol

Oh hahaha – I did see one moronic story about twitter – oh how stupid and I don’t even know what is or what going on!! Whatever – like that is news – who cares ?? Gimme a break I don’t even wanna hear about Musk guy

I went to see what was going on in the world, turned it on – saw that was news and thought nope. So turned it back off

Ugh 😑

Here… Psy is back… way better …

https://youtu.be/8dJyRm2jJ-U

Not as great as his first – but he still makes me smile – he’s just cool. 😎 I like him. Lol ✌️

My favorite always gonna be Gangnam Style

https://youtu.be/9bZkp7q19f0

Ok well … tomorrow is maybe blood tests and we see MRI . Ugh it’s so much things

Ok I feel sick it be fine… I know. Just a lot of things I don’t like

None of my self pep talks work at all… I will say it be fine – but then I don’t like that – because I don’t know. So they just don’t work.

Instead I have to think – what is alternative… so that might scare me little more.

And someone is worse than me and I complain…

That kinda gives perspective and then … it makes me not fight it so much.

Anyway… I am tired 😴 ☹️🥲 always.

I do not have balance – bleh

I will – but just not right now – unless they let me have that woman! Then I am good. I could do without crying if she there. Or minimal crying and definitely not sobbing, so they should just let me have her for that reason!!

Ok well – whatever it won’t happen – I secretly wish if I say it enough it will just become true lol … because I just want her as a patient advocate – come with me to dr help me not cry and explain. I be totally happy with just that.

Ah but whatever – I’m already dreaming before I fall asleep so whatever

Ok so I be around. Maybe reading responding posting. I do as can is hard to get much sleep. Too many things

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