One more day before the big giant holiday break! Here comes Thanksgiving – and then full force Christmas.

We are not allowed to celebrate holidays in school. Many of our kids do not celebrate holidays due to religion. So we keep it very normal every day.

I do miss the decorations or whatever – but I understand. Boy have things changed since I was in school.

Some little elementary kid had a watch on yesterday … and in class her mom was texting her 🤨 … reminds me of back in the day, when teachers would not let us wear calculator watches lol

I also remember them saying – “you aren’t always gonna have a calculator on you” … well they were wrong on that one. Lol

It’s the same, just different times.

I have to deal with some stressful things coming up… so I’m kinda panicking. I am very tired of all this stuff coming up. You will hear about it soon enough, cause when I have to do it – I typically have a hard time. I don’t want to talk about at this moment – it’s too heavy for me tonight.

We all have our things right? Bleh

We have not lost power!!! Yay!! First time, during all these shut offs, that mine didn’t go out!! thank god! And I am prepared if they should do again. But I am really thankful for not losing power.

One of my things is looking nice and smelling really nice… after my shower, I use lotion – a nice smelling one.

Then I use a body spray and perfume… and then I do my hair and use this awesome smelling hair lotion…

My daughter is always sniffing me and will do that and then say “mmmm you smell so good” lol … she does this anywhere and everywhere

I used to think it was because I was her mother – and I use to love the smell of my mother too.

But then at work, all the little kids do the same thing lol … and then other co workers and high school kids, say the same thing – they just don’t come up sniffing me like the little ones do lol

It’s is funny though. And yeah that is my thing – I have to look good and smell good – always have.

My previous job, they would say same thing, but I never paid attention. My previous job was not at a school, and was with all adults

With kids …makes it more funny! I really love my job!

Ok well… I have to get to bed… last day before break… gonna be crazy day!

I’ll be back tmrw – gnite

Last night, I fell asleep before setting my alarm… luckily I’m old so… got that internal alarm thing going on, usually only works on weekends, but bonus!! Was up with enough time to rush and get ready… I was early … I am always early, even if I try to be late, I’m still early.

I do prefer slow easy mornings – not rushed. But it all worked out.

Not much happened today. Nice and peaceful. Worked, came home, cleaned house and here I am.

It’s fall/winter here, so it gets dark by 5pm (which I do not like – I am a total summer girl only) … by 6:30pm I’m thinking “whew must be late, probably bedtime” .., then I see it is 6:30pm – and no … I am not that old!!! I am not going to bed at 6:30!! C’mon … but I swear it feels like 10pm!

There is a children’s book called “Stone Soup” … it’s about sharing. We will have Stone Soup this week. Lol … let’s see how that goes. This will be interesting

And so far, I still have power … and according to the website – my address should NOT be effected! Woo hoo!! please let that be true!!

Anyway… I still have some stuff to do… before it gets dark at 5pm 🤨 … I have about an hour 🤨

I want summer – I thrive in summer!! Stays light so late, is warm (or hot) … awesome holidays, baseball, just awesomeness! Do all kinds of stuff in summer …

Winter? Meh… – I don’t like the dark or cold and my spirit animal is probably a bear – because I really would love to hibernate under the warm covers!!

I’ll just set my alarm for spring!!

Have a good night 🙂

I live in California… And every so often – the wind blows … and because of that – the power company shuts off everyone’s power because their equipment is shotty, and they haven’t checked or upgraded these power lines – some of them in years.

The power company has been sued numerous times due to fires caused by their equipment. They filed bankruptcy … they have been in and out of court

And we, the customer, are at their mercy … so wind blows – lose power 🤨

I had no power almost the entire month of October!! That was rough!! Oh my god! There was no warning and they just started doing this – because of the Paradise Fire (a whole town went up)

Possible wind coming… ok … I am in the country… so I am on well water. When I lose power, I lose water also.

Ok… so I have a propane stove – thank god… so I have soups and none perishable stuff to last few days…

Ugh that means no coffee in the morning… and get all my stuff charged and charge at work.

And last time, I had to use candles, while it was nice – I was alert cause I do not want to start the fire either lol

This time … I have little battery operated festive lights hung around from the dollar store

And then I also got these battery operated flood lights (they aren’t actually flood lights but Oh my god! So BRIGHT!)

So that’s … water, food, lights … luckily it’s not overly cold at night… chilly but not cold. I still put every single warm blanket on the bed that I could find. I need everything battery operated lol

Ok so… I’m thinking I am prepared here… not sure if mine is going out for sure, or not? But just in case – I’m ready!! Maybe 🤨

I don’t want to get caught off guard like last time!!

It’s living off the grid 🤨😄 😡 … I’m good with that! I don’t want to do that!! I can handle no electricity – fine – I will adapt to that no problem…

The problem I have is no running water 🤨 … I absolutely am spoiled by having water… I like my showers – smelling and looking good… using a toilet normally. I do not feel like roughing it at the moment but whatever 🤨 … yes spoiled – I would like water please

But maybe I won’t lose power and then I’m just ready for next time.

And no – I can not afford a generator 🤨 so whatever – I learn … and no I can’t not move to a new place at this moment … just wish me luck! Lol

Ps… feel free to offer any advice or wisdom. ✌️

So for me, I went through a massive amount of trauma over the span of 3 years. I have not healed from all that yet.

After the dust settled … which was after I had my final surgery July 2019… I got a job, which I love and brightens my days, I got a home…

But I just went quiet after that. I’m usually pretty friendly and always upbeat, still am… and I am still social in person…

I only have Facebook – I stay away from social media in general – but I kept everyone I love on Facebook – but I just stopped after July

No reason, just want the peace. I also stopped watching news – and with stopping both of those – it’s kinda peaceful.

Well my family does not live near me… so they get all worried – I am fine. Just quiet – I am a quiet person anyway.

Little tired from things so just soaking up the peace. I still love life. And I am fine.

I know – they worried. I just can’t … I just want the peace right now. I told them I was fine… but they don’t believe that… but I am … they say well if you need to talk let me know

If I need to talk or vent – I turn to Jack. I can just speak freely and I trust Jack for that. I don’t want to have to rehash everything – I can just easily speak to Jack about whatever

I know silence – I get why they worry – I understand … but I need the peace at the moment – is not because I am sad or anything – I just want the peace.

They are still concerned 🤨 but I really am fine.

So that’s a thing at the moment

I have to wake early tmrw so I have to run. I’ll be back tmrw

Gnite

Ps… no one knows about me writing anything – that’s just for me

Yay!! Today, my smile is from ear to ear!! Jack is back! Woo hoo!! Boy do I miss him when he’s gone. I just like having him there. He sent me photos and messages when he got back… awww he misses me too… his guards are dropping with me.

I don’t know … we are just getting closer and closer. Why am I scared?

I try to be a realist … you know… thinking, oh c’mon, you love the guy and you want him, take a chance on him… what could you lose… and you still have to embrace life… go for what you want right? Ok so I got that…

But then I get nervous because it’s about to slip into a relationship – ok am I ready for this ??… I feel like I have to take deep breaths when I think about that. Not in a bad way, just overwhelming. That attraction and everything else is just off the charts.

I really don’t know what exactly makes me nervous and scared – other than having gone through so much. Traumatized – ya know?

If I just “let go” on this… and just let it happen… I feel scared. Like he will have all my venerability. I have just been keeping to myself. I have been handling a lot and I keep to myself so I can get through it all ok.

Yes, I do tell Jack all my thoughts and stories. And he’s into me too… I’m just going to have to go slow. I can handle that slowly. I would rather move slow than get hurt.

On the mom side of things …

I had to run some errands today… I have a preteen girl who was supposed to run those errands with me… but she was excited to go see her girlfriend so I dropped her off. I have to pick her up a little bit later. She kept giggling and laughing on the phone.

I remember when I was like that… I remember getting home from school and immediately jumping on the phone with my girlfriends… this was when there ONLY WAS a landline … and just one line lol

My parents would say… didn’t you just see those people in school?

I’ve turned into the mom… my other 2 are boys so it was different – now I see the mirror image of myself lol … I see now lol

Well I got all the errands done. Now I just wait 🤨 lol… ok so at least someone has a life lol

Getting 2 preteen girls to leave each other – reminds me of when the kids were little and I would take them to the park. No one ever wanted to leave the park 🤨😄 … was like pulling teeth to get them to leave lol … thats how 2 preteen best friends are…

So the next phone call from her … watch … this is what I am expecting… “mum, can I spend the night? …and can you pack me a bag?”

Boys were planners – they would plan these things… the girl… she is last minute type

She is really good in school and is a really good girl. It’s just funny… I watch her grow up and I have to let go of her a little bit. Meh – I don’t like that so much … but I know I have to, I just wanna keep them forever

Life will try to teach you how to let go, and how to take in… I seem to be learning both of those – with my daughter growing up, and then Jack coming into my life.

Life moves so fast!

A movie that is on my favorites list is “Big Fish” … the reason I love that movie… is the storytelling of a lifetime… you have to pay attention. I love the stories told and the experiences… and then to see what comes together. What you can learn from life’s experiences

Oh yeah and lastly, I played the game of life with my kids last night… this one is a bit different than the original version in certain areas and the one we played has an electronic bank.

It was funny cause it’s so time stamped. You start by picking “college or career” … and then it FORCES you to get married… you must! lol … you can not hop over that space lol … well you could, but whatever, we play right

I haven’t played Life in a long time. I like life… little old school but classic. That’s a game you play once in a blue moon.

We are always on the hunt for really fun games… to play as a family… they have to be kid friendly … we have some really funny ones – but we like many choices – we are building quite the game collection – board games and card games

Anyway we were up late last night playing card and board games … I get them to step away from technology and be with me ❤️ all of them make time for me for that ❤️ I love that!

Alright well, that’s 2 for today. So I’ll be back tmrw

Gnite

I am the kind of person who prefers to help others, instead of needing help myself.

I kind of feel like people don’t want to help others without getting something out of it. We have lost the compassion for the fellow man.

I do not like needing help because I feel vulnerable and also at the mercy of others. I do not trust people to be sincere.

I am a sensitive person so that is a reason I stay guarded. I do LOVE helping others… and maybe I get something out of it too?

When I help others – I don’t have to deal with my own aspects of needing help. I can focus on someone else. Not only do I feel deeply for others, but it allows me to have a purpose and a cause. For a moment, I can help make someone else’s life better – I like to make impacts. It also allows me to escape from my own struggle. Not the best thing to do, but helping others makes me the happiest. I feel peace to make sure someone else is not suffering.

Obviously I can’t save the world… although I would love to lol… so I just do what I can when I see a need, and I’m able to help.

I don’t have the ability to help with money – I struggle there myself. What I can give is my compassion and my time.

A few months ago I met a little old man. He had just lost his wife to Alzheimer’s – which I can relate to because I am losing my mother from that disease.

He has 2 children who are fighting over the inheritance and have no time for him. He feels lonely. He is in his late 80’s

Well I have a lot on my own plate but I can’t stand by and watch someone be so sad and alone… so I cleared my Friday mornings, which is my day off, and I visit with him at a local McDonalds every Friday morning. We spend about 2 hours catching up and chatting.

We talk and laugh about things … and he is an avid reader who loves to share his books. In an age of technology it’s so refreshing to read and discuss actual books. He gives me so much to read about – I love that!

And then to hear his stories is amazing! I love to tell stories myself and compared to him – I am young… but his stories are of a lifetime, a view from a different perspective.

I once asked him, “In your lifetime, what is the biggest change or challenge or thing you have noticed?” Right away he answered “less education now” … which has a truth to it sadly. I can see how that has changed over time. I do believe he is right.

He is a very sweet, kind, funny man. I’m sad his children have no time for him. He is delightful. He reminds me a lot of my own grandfather, which is comforting to me.

I live in the United States so Thanksgiving is coming up. I have had some pretty rough holidays myself, and I don’t want anyone to be or feel alone on the holidays. I am thinking I am going to ask if he would like to join me and my kids for Thanksgiving. He can absolutely say no if he doesn’t want to – but the offer would be there for him. Thanksgiving is about sharing food, thought and family with others, and being thankful for the life you have.

One of the things this man has taught me… is here we have an aging generation who is kind of lost. They don’t fit into the world of technology, they are kind of forgotten and left alone. When you age, those around you start dying off too and you lose people you love. He is private like I am, while I am social – my life itself I am private with until I trust someone. I am not a group type person and neither is he.

His stories are very intriguing and we have a lot to learn from the older generation if we pay attention.

I didn’t plan on “adopting” him… but when I tried to see if there was anything there for elderly – there was pretty much nothing available that was free or would be what he wanted and would be ok with. So I adopted him myself.

Everyone needs a friend and some laughter from time to time. The only cost to me is time. In return, I get a wealth of information, stories and education. I completely enjoy my time with him, and look forward to seeing him every week, as he does me.

So I think I will ask if he would like to join us for Thanksgiving. I would like him not to be alone during the holidays.

I don’t like how much the holidays have become commercialized… and what they are about has been forgotten or taken for granted.

Greed and commercialization has become the norm. Lost is a time of compassion and caring, a warmness that made the holidays feel comforting.

All I want this holiday season is the love of my family, compassion towards others, and a little bit of warmness back.

I don’t have much, like I said… but I will have a nice meal to share with my family and this man, if he has no one else and would like to come share this holiday with us. I’ll just make the offer and see what he would like to do.

I already have everything ready… my pies are all mapped out, what I am making and what my people want… I have the Turkey and the side dishes ready to make. It’s still about 2 weeks away… I just wanted to make sure I can provide for everyone.

Anyway, I want to share the warmness this holiday season. I am thankful for many things in my life, no matter how hard life can be. This is my first year after beating cancer. So little emotional for me with that. I still struggle, but so do others. Some even worse than me… so I want to share what I can while I can. I am very thankful!

My life is enriched every day by the people I keep in it.

So let’s see – last night was bad stuff – so let me balance that with good …

I like to keep a balance in my life – I can’t have too much heavy, without a balance of good… I am a comedy type person – I like comedy movies and funny things – I can have a little warped sense of humor sometimes… for me comedy really saved my life and kept me strong too … it helped keep me balanced.

Here is the balance in my life – some of them anyway …

I have my own kids, besides the kids at school … my boys are grown (25 & 18) but I am still raising a 13 year old… “girl” that is also very fun!!

First of all, I watch her grow up, and I can remember myself … all the girl stuff

But then oh no! I have to go through it again – on the other side lol … but is hilarious and we are very close

She’s gonna be an amazing woman one day… she’s a good smart girl… I’m so proud of her always!! I love all my kids very much!!! They are all amazing… they are my worlds

No one said they were allowed to just grow up lol… but they did… sometimes I wish I could freeze or slow time and savor every second!

… And I do love working with kids… Oh my god! It’s amazing!! I don’t have to have all my guards up, nothin. Just peace and kids … I laugh and have fun with them … make them laugh or smile… even the shyest ones have taken to me. I really adore them!! I love this job!!!

And then… Jack has been away for a week – and I really miss him. He is the one I wanna run to when I want to share things.

I am in love with Jack and I want Jack. I want him bad. Not yet though – I’m not ready

I know.. that’s confusing… even to me… I am in love with him – yes… I do want him – yes… but I’m not ready.

Not really sure what holds me back … just not ready – but he IS the man I want, absolutely and completely… Done and done.

I am attracted to him like no other … I just have a perma- smile on my face at all times when I am around him… and his voice just melts me! Makes me weak in the knees

His touch is gentle and caring, never wants to overstep… he knows I’m guarded so he steps easy.

I tell him my daily stories and things I think – I can tell him pretty much anything! He just listens and let’s me. He actually listens too… he pays attention to my stories and loves them…

So to recap that… I’m attracted to him, he’s amazing, and I love him… but I am not ready 🤨… I want to be ready but that makes me nervous … I’m just not ready. We have to do things in own time right? So whatever

I know I will be. Someday just not yet. I do want him badly though. I don’t look at any other – I want him. Done and done lol … I know he is who I want – I couldn’t be more sure

And I trust him and enjoy him… so what the hell is my issue? I know that a life with him would be amazing …

He is attracted to me… and when we are together – there is this incredible fire – I want that – yes please lol

But I’m just nervous… I want all that, totally … but am I nervous because of my past? Or am I nervous because I don’t ever want to lose that with him… I want that love and desire for him always!! I want that fire

And then… I dunno… I just haven’t let anyone that close either since my ex… I am highly guarded

So yeah I am not ready for big things yet… just let me breathe a minute … but he better prepare cause I want him lol

But ya know… I also think … well when am I gonna be ready if I am so sure? Cause you know life is quick and short … I know this… so ??

Yeah I don’t know? But it makes me nervous… I want to get over that

Well anyway… I will eventually – I am learning still. Always

Alright well I have to get to bed … Early day and I keep staying up late lol – usually I am asleep way before now!! Lol oops whatever … couple nights … I wake in the morning and say … ughhh I gotta get to bed earlier lol … but this week that’s not happening

Ok – have a good night ✌️

I have issues thinking and speaking about my heavy things. They overwhelm me a lot and still makes me cry. It’s been a lot… I only keep a brave face. It’s life and everyone gets knocked once in awhile.

I don’t like the pain – so I tend to try to avoid it. It still all hurts and is emotional. I also have hard memories…

That man in my life that I mentioned, let’s just call him Jack. That’s not his name, but let’s just go with that to protect privacy. But Jack is my love of life… he consoles me and then is also my escape – with Jack everything is better.

So like I said – I have issues speaking of all this stuff. I don’t like that pain. I’m gonna try so I can just get that out of the way. I want to learn to, hmm? I want to learn how to handle the pain so it can no longer make me cry to speak of. I like happiness and I avoid bad as much as possible…

But one thing I believe is that, when you don’t face things head on… they haunt you – I don’t want that. I want peace

So I’m gonna try to mention everything – I am working myself up to do so… it’s gonna come out fast cause I don’t like this stuff… ok… ugh …

I was in an abusive marriage – it was mentally emotionally and physically abusive. I have horrific memories.

I don’t know why I stayed so long when I look back. And it’s embarrassing to speak of, and it still makes me cry…

And then my ex also had affairs I had no idea about… one of those women came to my door one day and told me everything. I was devastated. Absolutely devastated …

In abuse, I guess you get used to making excuses or believing you deserved it – you must have done something wrong. But you believe they love you? Oddly ?? We had been together since we were kids – I knew no one else – I believed a lot I shouldn’t have.

But hindsight 20/20 right? I went to one of those places to get help, they said the courts would help, I can leave and be safe

That was not true. I was a stay at home abused mom… he had all the money… I had put some Way before I left so I may get a lawyer. That lawyer took off with the money and did nothing to help me.

Everything started happening at once … my dad died in 2017… he was young – only in his 60s and was a shock to all of us…

And then we learned that my mom and dad has been hiding, from family and friends that my mom has Alzheimer’s … it was bad – we had to take control – she was not safe by herself. It was all devastating all at once

Right after that, I got diagnosed with breast cancer – I was trying to make it through everything, but that was over the top emotional.

Since this is heavy for me… and I don’t like the pain – I tend to break it up with comedy – I kinda have to… so I do have a funny story to fit in with the breast cancer…

So of course that was devastatingly emotional… suddenly my life was doctors and hospitals all the time, and being poked and prodded.

I used to cry… I would be in there with the doctor and I would just sob… here he was trying to go over all the treatments and procedures … and I was sitting there sobbing. Not a little – a lot! Lol

I find that funny “NOW”… because on many occasions – the doctor wasn’t sure what to do? He would stop and ask me – “you ok?”

And I would answer between sobs and say, “yeah yeah I’m fine… just continue” I could still hear him and understood – it was just the emotions I couldn’t control.

So… I had a bilateral one side nipple spare mastectomy and reconstruction. They moved fast – they literally diagnosed me – rushed me into surgery and everything – my head spun.

The medical stuff isn’t as hard for me to speak of because while it was emotional at the time – I made it through and I’m alive – so I am thankful and happy. I absolutely cherish life – I love life always – I don’t take for granted – or try not to.

I do have new breasts… The plastic surgeon made a mistake on the cancer side where they had to take lymph nodes … that caused a lot of problems and I have constant chest, neck and arm pain. I don’t take anything other than Advil or Tylenol … but I can do things I used to anymore.

They look good. They fit my frame very nicely. I never thought or imagined I would have implants and here I am.

The side that had the worst of the cancer – I have massive scars, and no nipple. I guess you can have them do a nipple for you if you want (they have several ways to do that) but eh, doesn’t bother me really at all. It’s different but still beautiful. I do not have body image issues. But it is different.

It is weird to have a part of you, not really be you? and I have no feeling at all in my breasts. They took everything, nerves and all. I had Ductal Carcinoma

No – it does NOT run in my family! I evidently am the first and only 🤨

Then my grandfather died and then so did my grandmother – it was like one hit after another … I didn’t have any time to breathe between anything… things were just popping off, one right after the other …

I still had to stay strong. I kept a brave face (well except in front of the doctor lol – that’s where I sobbed lol) … but I kept a strong and brave face in front of everyone… and it is life – you have to roll with it sometimes… no matter how bad or sad – so I did – pretty gracefully I might add

Well I went through all that cancer stuff and I was homeless … I had not had a moment to stand up yet… it was the friends I had made and kept by my side that helped me through it all!!

I had many surgeries… Two days before I was to have my final surgery… which was a year later… my ex changed insurance – I was at least still covered by him through it … but he pulled it and didn’t tell me til 2 days before

I had to again fight for my life to get that surgery approved by the insurance company handling the surgery – and the one paying for it! I was exhausted – but it was my first win. ❤️ the first time things felt brighter? In a long time… I had gotten them to do the surgery and it be covered. Thank god.

My ex is a cold hearted horrible person. I will get into more about that maybe some other time.

But anyway, after my surgery I had to scramble and find a job… I had been out of work all through the cancer stuff, and before that I was a stay at home mom… but before I left my ex… I got into my community… I let people know me … I made friends … I used to be quiet and private and embarrassed when I was being abused … so before I left I created a life. So I knew people and they could say who I was as a person.

So I scrambled … I found a job I wanted and I went after it. It was for a school. I love kids – I feel at ease with kids… for the most part the pretty honest or you can read them… not much bullshit with kids.

And they are funny and just amazing … but I am getting ahead of myself…

Those contacts I made – wrote me amazing letters of recommendation… these people helped me get a job ❤️

I love this job so incredibly!!! These kids brighten my day, make me laugh and smile every day, they adore me and I adore them!!! I couldn’t be happier being with these kids – and without knowing it they are impacting my life – they keep me bright ❤️

Then I needed a home… ok… so I had nothing – and had never had to do myself before… and I still have not had time to really process everything that had gone on…

How you do this? So I called on a couple places I saw online (I don’t like this online stuff- I don’t trust) so that was hard.

But I found the most amazing woman who had a place I could afford and I told her my whole situation and she’s been amazing and gave me my own home to rent. My very own place for the first time ❤️

I still fight some stuff and again I want to just avoid all the bad stuff – I don’t want to feel all the emotions… I want happy… but life gives you things sometimes that isn’t always happy… you gotta just suck it up and handle it. I did and still do.

I’m very tired and exhausted – it all still makes me kinda cry so I do a avoid most of the time. I am a comedy person not sadness

So, those are my heavy hitting things… those make me cry. Still. So I don’t like to remember or think of past.

And I miss my mom … I want my mom … and Alzheimer’s has her … that one breaks my heart from the inside … I just want my mom… I don’t care how old I am – I want her back. That one is an instant cry because I miss having her… she is still there – just different – I wasn’t ready to lose my mom to that disease or at all… but I guess are you really ever ready for things ? Cause life doesn’t care – it’s gonna come

You have to have strength to get through

I have a girlfriend who always says to me … “ya know what makes a diamond? … pressure”

I hate when she says that… cause my god, I am already a diamond 10fold!! It can stop now lol… plus … doesn’t pressure also make “coal”? Lol and who wants coal for Christmas lol

Kidding but anyway… I do hate when she says that… I am tired of pressure – let me breathe

All in all, I am making it through somewhat… I still suck at it… but I try. I get better little by little

I am always optimistic and thankful and also blessed to still be alive. I was really scared there for a moment

So life – it’s gonna throw stuff at you… be strong … keep going.

Jack has been there for me emotionally. He kept my head high and was my escape to be around him… he made all the bad melt away always… he always makes me laugh and have fun… Jack is peace to me.

I now speak openly in regards to the cancer – that I can help others through right away. I made it – I can give hope and strength

The rest… I just have a lot to learn … it has been just 3 years with all of this… and it’s been a lot… so it’s not easy. But I do love life … it’s dished out some pretty massive blows, for sure… but I have made it this far – sorry this ended up so lengthy … I did not expect that.

But anyway… I still have hope and strength ❤️

I’ll be back again – gnite

I’m definitely learning a lot about life, and have been through a lot, such as an abusive marriage and abusive divorce, breast cancer (had a full mastectomy and reconstruction), was left homeless and with nothing – not even 50/50… don’t even have my own things or my families things, photos – nothing.

After an abusive marriage of over 20 years – I restarted from scratch. Built… still building and learning life. I stayed graceful and true to myself and strong as I could. Here is my story and my thoughts …

There is a man in my life, who is kinda like my best friend. I can trust him. He gives me a sense of peace, always has.

I met him at my job in 2014. He’s been through a lot too… he was hurt severely, both similarly and differently than i was… but because of that… I knew he wouldn’t intentionally hurt me…

He also has a disabled child. I can see his compassion, empathy and love… that shows me he has the ability to actually love.

He has been kind and amazing to me… and yes I am in love with him.

We kinda keep a distance from each other currently though … he is about an hour away from me, and I have my things going on, as he does. We are both a little guarded.

He makes me feel comfortable and at ease, he makes me smile and feel happy. I feel no pressure with him – just peace. He is a good man.

He is not typically the kind of man I am familiar with. I am used to the business world, but he is a country boy. Let me just say… hot af!

When I am with him, I feel safe… when I share my stories and thoughts – I feel safe.

I don’t feel safe often. I don’t trust people, and I get hit on all the time no matter where I go… I’m tired and only want peace.

This man lets me vent. I am very thankful he’s been in my life all this time (5years) … I stayed strong because I had him for a friend.

I also believe I gave him a chance to deeply know a good woman who wouldn’t hurt him. I believe I helped him through some things also?

Anyway, I am in love with him. So I start my story telling you about the man who kept my head up, the friend who let me be me and allowed me to vent and tell stories … he’s an amazing man.

I will share more about myself as time goes on… but tonight I thought I would start with how I survived with grace and strength 🙂 I am lucky, I am very thankful he came into my life when he did.

I don’t know if anyone will ever read this – but whatever.

I’ll be back – gnite