I can not buy my food early usually, just in case we lose power – that would suck! And has sucked!!

I went today… just as I get to the store, the man on the radio says – busiest grocery shopping day of the year lol – oh great! I thought that would be tmrw – but guess not?

And boy was he right!! Oh my god! People in every isle – and there were some nice friendly people, but more often than not, kinda rude 🤨 I could not wait to get out of there!! Oh my!!

And then of course at the doors – are people asking for whatever – signatures for something or money donation…

I don’t have extra money to donate at all… I am lucky I was able to have what I got today.

So now I don’t have to go to store at all – any stores – except later in month to shop (not a shopper, don’t have money for that)

I also do not like crowds – as a matter of fact… I have laid claim to the most awesome mall of all, for that reason.

One year, I was shopping – and was just too much crowds. For me… “nope, I’m out” … when the parking lot people are landing airplanes to park the cars – yeah I’m good!

So some guy at work says, you should go to Main St Mall (not the actual name of the mall) he told me had less crowds

Ohhh nice, I’ll try it… so I went – and I heard the angels sing that year!! No crowds at all… I had my pick of parking, I walk in and it’s like I own the mall … I can walk into any store, and boom – no lines!! They have decent stores – it’s an old mall from maybe the 1980’s – complete with inside movie theater … oh it is so awesome!! Even during Christmas!! Every time!!

I only go during Christmas cause I hate malls, but I have to shop for people … but I do love this mall!

Anyway… it’s been really windy… I keep checking the power company website to check for any outage but nothing listed for being turned off – no power safety mentioned … and we are having heavy winds AND rain… crazy winds! The rain is kinda boring at the moment – it is cold outside!! Brrr!!

I do love storms – when I was a young kid, we lived in Florida for a few years. We saw many hurricanes – I love hurricanes!

We would be down on the beach and my dad would be filming us … I was maybe 8 or 9 pretending to be a weather reporter … we still have those videos – which I am highly embarrassed of lol

But I really love storms! I love the smell of the air, the fierceness, just Mother Nature being incredible

So right now we have mostly wind, but also boring drippy rain- but we are nice, warm and dry inside. I was lucky enough to get the grocery shopping done BEFORE the rain started. Usually rain will start, the second I leave the house… so someone likes me today – woo hoo!

Actually turning out to be a pretty decent holiday week! Well despite the crowds – ugh – fricken holiday crowds ugh!!! Here it comes ugh!

Have a good night!

Today was an ok day. I’m breathing, it did not kill me.

I had an appointment with my lawyer for the divorce. We are going to trial.

I am very afraid and panicked about having trial for the divorce. This man is my abuser.. I left him. He is dirty and brutal – so I’m terrified – I have to actually think about how to breathe because it panics me like that.

I have no belief in the court system – I don’t trust it. Speaking to my lawyer today she kind of gave me tiny hope. I am afraid to feel any hope here though.

But all in all, the meeting went well.

Then to change subjects, if you are a parent, you know those moments when they are little and ask you for something or to do something? And you say tmrw or next week or whatever ? And they remember that, and remind you …

Well that just went full circle at my house… I asked my daughter if we could watch a movie together last night…. her reply was “tmrw”

Lol… so here we are now, and I just popped around the corner to remind about the movie.

Her face… what? What movie?

I said “you said we could watch a movie together tonight remember??”

It just gave me a flashback to when they were little.

So to sum everything up for today, ok I have to brace for all the court stuff – whew ok – I can do this. Hopefully

And then movie and kids to relax with tonight ❤️

I like how the day is ending, way better!!!

I am feeling sad today.

I did say goodbye to Jack. So I feel like I lost something – its just better this way.

Grow right? Ok… here I go 🤨

So… when I went through my final surgery, I just stopped going on Facebook. I had been through some pretty massive trauma – and I was tired of keeping up with people. Daily is too much… so I just stopped

I ghosted. I got a job I love, got a quiet peaceful home in the country, I was just tired and wanted some peace.

Not only did I stop social media (Facebook is all I have or want) but I also stopped watching the news. I needed a break from trauma and bad things. The news is all biased and horrific things. Ugh

Well anyway… I went silent – for myself… just to?? Get through my stuff with a clear head and not stress from other stuff

I get hit on regularly. The only place I am not hit on – is at school. I love being at school!!! I am a quiet person. So I don’t want that attention. It comes at me too much.

… I am afraid. Or nervous, either or. Makes me feel overwhelmed and just terrified. I am not ready to let people back in.

Everyone I know is concerned by the silence – I get it and understand the concern.

I am just… healing? Growing? Dealing? So I just kinda like the peace – just went threw so much.

But they all keep checking on me … I know I am loved… and I know they care. Thank you to them with that… I just need time or I don’t know?

I know, I am just quiet – I don’t mean to alarm them or disregard them. I just want the peace for a moment

With all the trauma, I felt off balance … like I can’t breathe? That sorta stuff …

And the one thing I want, peace, well I want peace – so if I don’t have it – I will aim for it… peace is my price – I want peace …

So I’ve kinda gone a little overboard with umm? creating my own peace?

I live in the country, where it is beautiful and incredible and peaceful. So I made my home in the country. I wanted to be away from people.

Didn’t plan on the stupid power outages and fire danger – that is not peace – but whatever lol … I am learning with it.

I got myself an amazing job at an amazing school, being with amazing kids – that’s the one place I can let my guard down – it’s with these kids.

That is peace to me at this moment – those kids … they are all amazing. I have loved every minute of this job!!

So I go after peace – I am terrified to depend on anyone… and I don’t want to depend on people right now

I want the peace for a moment while I get a handle on my balance for a minute.

Think of it this way… it’s like a caterpillar just cocooning up… let me get my butterfly on lol

I just want to heal… so I just want peace for a moment – that’s all. I will be back eventually … I just need to heal and get through some stuff

I know it’s not normal. I know I am traumatized – just let me absorb things and be more comfortable … and I’ll come back.

Someone told me once, be careful, the peace can be dangerous. I’m just tired and healing. So I guess it is, cause I want it.

I want to love and enjoy life. Period… let me regather myself after everything. Let me figure out the things I want and who I am

Thank you for checking on me and always making me feel loved – thank you for that.

I do appreciate, but I am fine. Just regrouping.

I just kind of fear – I am going after so much peace, and I am fearful of things/traumatized… that I’m gonna pull too far in.

So this blog is kinda gonna help me figure things out, and then hopefully keep me from isolating myself.

Ok well anyway, I have alot to learn. I have to run.

I forgot this story… tonight I ran to the store. As I was walking in, there was an elderly lady standing there with the hood of her car open.

Well I stopped to ask if she was ok or needed any help? I don’t really know cars at all, I’m kinda girly girly and small, so I wouldn’t be much help… but just wanted to check and make sure she was ok.

Something was wrong with her transmission fluid… well we couldn’t fix it and she said she was going to call AAA.

As I said good bye and went on my way – she yelled after me, thank you! You are the only one who stopped to ask if I was ok or offered any help.

So here we are – with holidays coming … where is the compassion for others ? How do people not check on others ?

I understand people being leery of others – don’t want to be robbed or killed … me either – but was sad to see holidays approaching – here it is night time, and this little elderly lady with her hood up – obviously she had a problem.

So was just sad to hear no one else stopped. What happened to compassion? Or kindness? Have we forgotten that?

Hello again,

I keep wanting to go write to Jack… I start to… but then I don’t know what to say. I’ve always been able to say anything to Jack, but now… I’m at a loss for words. That says a lot.

I need to just let him go. Things end. You can’t force things that aren’t meant to be.

I rather him go be happy. I don’t want to be effort for anyone. Go be you. I am just really going to miss the friendship.

I do think saying good bye is best. He wasn’t meant for me, and he was only meant for a moment while I went through things

I do hate to lose him, I will miss him, I am thankful for him, and he has been amazing

It’s just, time to let go.

So I told Jack, I wanted to step back.

I had my first red flag with him, and then … well… I’ve been in love with him – and sometimes love gives you blinders… until something smacks you upside the head…

That word “effort” just concerns me, and the things he talked about. I am looking at him different. I still enjoy him, and he really does melt me… I just see red flags for the first time ever.

That is not the kind of love I want in my life. I don’t want that heaviness or stress… maybe it’s me? I don’t want to be thought of as effort, and most definitely by anyone I love.

So he’s not right for me. I might love him because he has always been amazing, and like I said he melts me. I feel a fire with him. He has helped me get through some really dark times.

The effort thing… is a deal breaker for me… and then he’s not sure if he want what I want ? But maybe later …

Yeah no… I am not a scarf hanging on the hook, to wear when you feel like it. What is that?

He has been there for me emotionally and kept my head up… so on friendship level – I’m cool, but step back.

It’s not that I need or am looking for anything at this moment. I have a lot on my plate I am trying to survive through. (As everyone does)

And I do believe – what will be, will be. Things happen for a reason. Good and bad. We need to learn lessons.

He is a good man. Just not the man for me. I don’t want to be “effort” – I want to be love.

Fairy tale right? I just want to be happy – whether that means with someone or without. I am a kindhearted, beautiful, and learning to be strong woman – I know my worth.

I am happy not being hurt, or yelled at, or treated badly. That’s always a bonus. I feel peace without that.

I just take a strong stance – either you want to be there or you don’t – if you don’t – there’s the door.

In my mind, I’m trying to piece together how we view things – I have my hurt and he does too. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who feels that I am any kind of effort – and he doesn’t want to put any effort into someone… I know the fear is being hurt – so we both hurt

But I still want to step away, and I am still bothered by that word effort. And I don’t want to just accept whatever – you either love me or you don’t

Ahhhh see ?? I take a really hard stance on that … and then him with his effort thing

So in regards to being hurt – I can understand why we both have these strong things lol

But for the first time, I don’t think he’s right for me. So I step back. For now. I always just want peace. I don’t ask or demand for anything… I am very laid back, enjoy life and am understanding and accepting. So I feel, if it doesn’t feel right – it’s not. It doesn’t feel right – I am glad I went slow.

It still hurts but ya know, life right? We go through things. Hopefully we learn and take away good lessons.

So I keep thinking of the conversation with Jack. He came out to see me, just to have that conversation?

And it’s not that I am ready for anything from anyone right now – but there are things that are important to me.

I want to pull back from him. I don’t want to be in love with someone who MIGHT want what I want, but might not.

When you love someone … I don’t know…I think you “want” to be around them and “want” to care for them and “want” to love them… I was not aware love was effort.

He’s been in my life for about 5/6 years… and he’s been amazing to me, and I love hanging out with him. He’s been my confidant – I tell him everything. And he’s been sweet and kind and funny.

I just want peace and I want to be loved… if you don’t want to be there – then don’t. I want someone who’s happy to be with me too.

And I am not looking for anyone or anything… that whole thing terrifies me too. I am guarded too

I don’t mind being quiet. And I don’t mind the peace

But here are the things that are hugely important to me… I want someone who is just as happy to see me, as I am to see them. And I never want to feel like I am effort to anyone – you either love and enjoy me or you don’t.

I want to be treated kindly and bottom line… I have been through a lot – I am looking for peace … what I want is…

I just want to share my life with someone good. I want that hand to hold. If Jack doesn’t want that – then ok… but yeah I don’t want to just be there til he decides – as a friend that’s fine. And it’s that word “effort”

I can’t get past that. It’s the first time Jack made me feel heartbroken. Love is not effort

You do things because you want to – not because they are effort.

So I think I’m going to pull back – I am definitely not ready. That hurt.

Well anyway, today I am meeting with my little adopted elderly man at McDonald’s. I will ask if he has anywhere to go for holidays. I have some books for him, I think he will like.

It will take my mind off of Jack. For a moment at least.

The things I do in my life – the things I love, never feel like effort … the things I don’t want to do or deal with – yeah that’s effort – I don’t want to be effort

So I guess there it is. This is why I am scared to let my guards down.

Ok well I gotta shower – I be back later – I’m glad I started this.

Ok so, Jack came over. First time ever to my place – we usually go to his house or whatever

It was nice… we took a walk (in the dark) is beautiful – I’m in the country so it’s so dark, and you can see every star. It’s still pretty warm for November. We held hands and talked

I just love being with him… He’s incredibly kind and sweet and amazing and then… I’m attracted to him like no other.

So we chit chatted and caught up on stuff, laughed etc … and then came back to my house.

We kissed and snuggled

I know he has a lot on plate… but I never ask for anything. I like his company and always being a friend to me… I have a lot on my plate also. I don’t see him much cause we busy and schedules are tough – from both sides … I was even surprised he just wanted to come see me tonight – that was out of left field

But he said… he doesn’t know where he is and is not interested in effort of a woman. I’m not quite sure what that means .

He said … he never wants to disappoint me

Ok. Well first of all – this convo came outta no where … I am in love with him yes… but I don’t ask for anything or want anything – I am just as traumatized as he is. I am tired. I just want to enjoy life with someone I love

So I asked him directly, I said – I don’t really understand what you are telling me or asking me? Is it that you have no interest in me and that I should not want you? Are you telling me to look elsewhere?

(First of all, I am in love with him – yes… but not really looking for anything specific – taking as it comes.) I also feel strongly that you either want or don’t.

But I ask him and the he said … well for now – I do want same in end all – just not right now

Ok??? Whatever … so I don’t have trust now? It’s not that he wants this or that – whatever …

So my thing is… you either want or you don’t – yeah scared …I get that… but again you either want or you don’t

When I said ok? Is just a no – we don’t want same things?

He say not right not/ maybe later

Umm ok… so you want me to move on then? But then he didn’t want that either

Ok so I keep as a friend thats great – I feel little guarded at this moment with him … but then he doesn’t want me moving on?? So you telling me, not interested at moment but maybe later? Possibly?

I have no problem with what he wants or doesn’t want … whatever that is?

And if wants to be friends I’m ok with that… if not – I’m ok with that too.

And yeah I don’t want a relationship to just be with whoever … was just a weird convo and visit

I don’t want any tests or whatever … you either want to be there or you don’t. I didn’t say that part to him because I was just sad

So ok.. I’m just feeling quiet and tired. I am going to pull back – he can do whatever his thing is … I like the peace by myself – you’re not hurt that way

I am not even looking for anything at all?? I just like his friendship and yes I am in love with him… he is incredible to me, like incredible

But if not interested then ok – whatever – I just want peace – and love – you either want that or you don’t so ok.

I don’t know how to see this?

He’s my friend first… obviously it’s some kinda deal? And there is some huge effort ? Ok fine – don’t make any effort then. I never asked for it – but if you ?? You either do that or you don’t

I was not even ready for all that! But he put my guards way up anyway

Now I am just ?? I’m not ready either … and I don’t want to stand by any man again who sees that as effort. That sounds like a chore.

Please don’t test me and see if I’m gonna hurt you…

I don’t mind the friendship but when I am ready for something – I don’t want to be on hold

Whatever will be will be … I am fine alone – I would like to not be … but I don’t trust and I am scared with the hurt too

But I’m sorry either you want or you don’t – I am not interested in finding anything at all right now, while I am in love with him… I am not seeking anything / but I didn’t like the way he put it and then couldn’t clarify. That makes me extremely guarded – ok then

Ok so whatever … I am tired – I have to wake early again.

I don’t even know if I made sense with all this? I did not expect any of it?

Why come see me then?

Ok I’m off to bed – gnite ✌️

Jack is coming over my house … he be here in an hour.

He’s never been to my house before – I have been to his

So oh my god! Ok relax … House is clean – is always clean

But I am nervous!! I will be back later with details – maybe lol I nervous but happy

I’m on break now… I don’t like break… I feel like I need to be working… I have to find something else. Maybe in addition to? I hope to keep my kids – but the holiday breaks kill me and also not enough hours. It works great with my daughters schedule .. so that’s awesome for now. I really adore the kids and spending time with them. They took to me immediately. And their faces light up to see me… if I am sick they notice and are concerned… these little people just brighten my world every single day! I love this job.

I bought something today… for $25 – was on sale. I don’t buy things for myself ever. I spend any money I have on the kids.

I can’t usually spend for myself … but I bought something… ok ya ready?

Well normally every Thanksgiving I cook the Turkey as normal in the oven…

But a store was having a sale on Oven Roasters … like I said $25… and that would free up the oven and yeah so I bought that.

I feel kinda guilty for buying that. I could have just done normal.

I love to cook, but haven’t really had a chance to be like I used to. I love all the amazing kitchen gadgets … some women love purses or shoes … I love kitchen gadgets!!

Since I had to start from scratch, I don’t have anything except for 2 pots, and a small skillet. This is my very first kitchen gadget on my own. I used to have many.

I keep staring at it. I took it out of the box and … first of all, it’s ginormous!! It’s beautiful.

I go from admiring it to feeling guilty for wasting the money on it. I can justify it by using it again for Christmas and then maybe New Year…

The meals typically for our family … on Thanksgiving… always Turkey.

For Christmas – Turkey or ham

And then by the time New Years rolls around… we Turkey’ed out. I like to make Chinese food. Just starts the New Year pretty awesome and different

So yeah… and then of course I can use it on Easter… Ham

This is my first oven roaster ever … so I as learn it – I’ll figure out what I can do with it and what I can make. Chicken etc

I am excited – you should see how beautiful it is… HUGE, did I say huge? I didn’t realize how big it is!! Yeah the box was big – but I expected the actual thing to be smaller lol … not THAT big!! I gotta figure out where to put that now lol

See.. I feel the excitement but then I feel guilt. Bleh – it’s fine – I can buy one thing, and it was cheap.

I already read through the entire instruction safety manual … I can’t wait to try it!! Yay!

Oh yeah – we had the stone soup today at work – meh… I don’t like green beans at all lol … but was ok for quick taste – the kids ate it …so that was cool!

It was funny… when I was growing up… the best way to describe how my family was – we were just like the Griswalds … only we had extra kid (3 of us kids) … we did those cross country driving trips. I’ve seen all the special monuments and historical places, etc, all over the United States.

It was pretty fascinating… we went to some really cool places. But sometimes I be listening to my “Walkman” … (yeah I’m that old lol)… and my mother would be like … Look Look “Mountains” for the 20th time lol

I would roll my eyes and say – yeah yeah – seen one ya seen em all (slight smart ass lol)

They gave us amazing memories and wonderful experiences and family togetherness. It was awesome

Sorry, got lost in thought with that … the reason I mention is because some of my kids told me they will be taking road trips to see family …

I was all thrilled to hear about their details … and some were thrilled about their upcoming adventures too… but some had that same eye roll 😄

That’s because you are stuck so long in a vehicle with your family 😄 … it can be an experience in itself lol

So I get it… but I told them cherish every moment!! Enjoy it – gonna be so much fun! Remember the moments!!!

I miss my family 😦 … I want my mom… what I would give to rewind 3 years. I miss them

Well – half hour until it get dark. Ugh … I miss summer

✌️ Gnite