I procrastinated a little bit more after the last post. I had talked to one of my friends… all she did was say another storm coming – and off I went lol … I had no idea another storm was moving in 🤨… I have to pay better attention to my weather apps!!!

I had to get everything done before the storm came in! So I did. Everything is clean, I have food, my buckets and towels are ready… bring on the storm.

It’s going to be ALL weekend LONG … ugghhhhhh … and this is why I am a summer girl!!!

Anyway… me and the kids were going to have our normal game night … but I was preparing … so instead we went to a late night movie…

Here is the twist … my oldest son – (25) is a music major… so the movie “Frozen” – he totally loved… he was entranced by the soundtrack… so we just went to see Frozen 2…

And then my girl … my only girl, who will be 13 in a week… she is extremely anti Disney 🤨… she calls it a cash grab – thinks it’s about the “almighty dollar” lol 🤨🙄 … and the biggest reason she’s mad at Disney is for throwing away a game she loved. “ToonTown” – we used to play. She now plays “ToonTown rewritten” but she forever is mad at Disney for that lol

Anyway… we went to see Frozen 2… ok my critique? …

Oh my god! There were a lot of songs… song after song 🤨😄… yes I am aware Frozen is known for their soundtrack and very musical… My son loves Idina Menzel, who sings in Frozen and Frozen 2 – he loves her voice

I can understand that… there is a voice I have always loved … the most beautiful voice I have ever heard is and was Karen Carpenter. I really love her voice – so I can understand my son on that.

And the story of Frozen 2 was cute … but it was very lack luster compared to the original Frozen … ahhh sequels … it could have been just too many songs for me and not as amazing as the first?

I don’t want to say too much about the movie itself because some may not have seen and want to – I don’t want to ruin it.

It was good. ALOT of songs lol… I am not really a musical type person – I love music but not musicals – maybe “Grease” lol ✌️ … there might be one more I like? But that’s it.

And while we were waiting for the movie – ya know how they show you advertisements and upcoming movies …

Oh my god! They are doing Hanna Barbera movies ❤️ first out … Scooby Doo!!!

They are going to be doing Captain Caveman, the Flintstones, the Jetsons… etc all the Hanna Barbera cartoons!

That will be cool to see! What is old is new again.. Scooby looked like would be good, so we shall see.

Oh yeah – and the best part was … it’s pouring rain… it started pouring when we left to go to movies … the movie started at 9:40pm… there was no one on the roads – just us lol

And then we had the entire movie theater to ourselves … Oh my god! So awesome!!! We could talk and whatever …

I said … how come no one is out? It raining!!! What better thing to do than to go to movies when it’s crappy out

And my son says – “because mum, no one wants to go out in the rain.”

Well whatever – California people 🙄 … bonus for us!!

We got big popcorns and huge giant JUGS of soda. We never finish either one but whatever – family time. ❤️ I love that!

So… I did pretty bad ass today… went and did everything – am situated so storm shouldn’t be a problem … and we had an awesome family night.

It’s really late!! 😮 I haven’t been out this late in a long time.

I am off to bed, have a good night 💤

I have zero motivation today. 🤨 it’s a day off 🤨… I have a million things to do. And should be doing …

I need things from Home Depot. I don’t want to go. I’m gonna get hit on for sure. So I cringe and it makes me feel overwhelmed.

I try any excuse to avoid 🤨 … well I have to do this or that first, and I am slow moving today. You could say I am dragging my feet. I don’t wanna

I have to… so I’m trying to talk myself into it.

I try to plan… such as envisioning where in the store my items would be. Get in, Get that… be fast… it’ll be fine.

I’m just really tired. That’s all.

But see? I don’t like that… “being hit on” … so I go severe and stay away or try to avoid any kind of situation.

I do this with anything that makes me feel a panic? I want to stay away from that. So I try to avoid it. Severely. (Funny thing is the more I avoid – the more it is 🤨)

I don’t like being poked by doctors – so I “want” to avoid that too…

Anything over my head bad. It makes me feel sick.

It’s just… after that final surgery… I needed to breathe.

And with boobs (which are not huge at all, fits my frame perfect) but that doesn’t help me to NOT be hit on 🤨 … it only made it worse!!!

With the death losses I went through and the abuse and the divorce, and then my mom with Alzheimer’s and then me with the cancer – Oh my god! Stop!!!!!

So now… I am avoiding or trying to anything that’s going to give me that terror feeling or sadness – I am tired.

I told myself – it’s self care… it’s fine, I am allowed. I need to readjust. Am trying – not there yet. Just need the peace right now.

I do not trust. Well I do, but if it’s caused pain, terror, panic, or sadness… nope… I block it out and I don’t want to deal with it. No one is allowed to die right now – cause I can’t take another one. I need a break from seeing doctors. I don’t want to hear anymore bad news. I miss having my mom like I used to. I just really miss my mom- my heart just breaks. I was not ready.

And then there it is… I’m not ready – life does not care about that!!! You gonna get what you get and you have to learn how to deal and how to handle. There are things we are forced to accept whether we are ready or not. Bleh 🤨

My daughters kindergarten teacher, from years ago, used to say… “you get what you get and don’t throw a fit” lol – that used to make me laugh… and I would use that myself lol ✌️ – she would roll her eyes, crinkle her nose and tell me how much she hated that lol … but we would laugh ❤️ it was cute and funny

… and then there is the other aspect of it… if it has brought laughter or enjoyment or patience or love or happiness, anything like that… yup… I am pulled right to it!!! Like a moth to light… I want that. I want a life of that.

I know I have to fix that. Not really sure how. So right now, I’m just kinda breathing ? I feel like I have not had a real breath in a long time. I have not felt safe or secure.

So I know what I’m doing by taking a moment – but I need to learn how to better deal with certain things.

I can’t stay in peace like this forever. Right? It’s bad right?

I need to learn how to get past the panic. Whew ok… Home Depot 😳 … ugghhhh

Do they deliver to the country ? Lol kidding – doing it myself

I don’t like any of the things I mentioned – but I also do not want life to control me.

I want to be like a Phoenix – and rise from the ashes .. so like that… I’ll be damned if anything gonna stop me now.

I am Irish – I don’t have a temper (I am exhausted by those) … but I do have a cocky fire occasionally… I think I can take on anything … and then life is like “oh yeah? How about this?” Ok ok … mercy!!!

Ok – I’m just going to keep procrastinating so – I’m going… I’m just going to shut up about it and do it. There are things in life you don’t want to do or deal with, but have to be handled… so ok. 🤨 fricken adulting 🤨

Bleh!!!

Oh yeah, and I forgot one huge part of my day…

Yesterday when I was hurting, I was talking to one of the younger teachers – she’s only 30…

I mentioned I was hurting and was probably because of the rain and air pressure ?? She asked why? So I told her…. I’ve had a full mastectomy with reconstruction – just as I told her, a parent came in to chat with her about their child.

As she walked away yesterday she said to me, with a shocked look… we have to talk – I wanna hear your story.

Well I forgot all about that today… and she came to me and said … ok so what were you saying?

What? About what? Lol

And she reminded me… so I told her what happened.

She wanted to know everything – how did I know? What did it feel like? What was the mastectomy like? Do I like the implants? Etc.

So I told her everything … I had Ductal carcinoma … cancer of the milk ducts.

I had a double “LUMPectomy” in 2013 – which was supposably only papillomas- not harmful but needed to be removed – I didn’t know they were there … what happened was …

One night I woke up, and I was covered in blood, like I had been stabbed or something … I looked for wounds or whatever and there was nothing – the blood was coming from my nipple on the right side. Oh my god! Talk about terrifying.

So anyway that was 2013.

Then I did feel the lumps cause they were aching and hurting me, that was August of 2018…

I went in and again they did a triple lumpectomy (there were 3 this time). They removed all 3 masses at that time.

Maybe 2 weeks later I got a phone call from my doctor saying … we need to talk about your pathology report. I knew right away when he said that it was going to be bad. They didn’t do that the time before.

I have no history of breast cancer in my family at all – I am the very first.

So… then after that… it was just a whirlwind. I didn’t even have time to process everything before they were rushing me into surgery again, this time for the mastectomy.

She asked me questions about all of it… and I am very honest so I told her… I even showed her the photos. The bad ones from right after.

I explained how if I had to do again – yes I would still do the reconstruction. It would have been too devastating with everything, for me to have not done that… and it was offered to me by the insurance so why not.

She then tells me that… she doesn’t understand how to check for lumps… and she doesn’t know what she is looking for – but she has a pain and ache in one of her breasts. She also has NO history of breast cancer in her family

This is why I can easily tell the medical story even with the emotions behind it… if I can save someone else or help them – I want that.

I told her to just go in and have them check … usually they don’t want to do a mammogram or whatever to younger women – but they really need to… I know women in their 20’s with breast cancer

It does not matter who you are or how old you are…

She said she will go in.

It is hard to know what the lumps feel like … but is best if she is having a pain and ache in one breast – yes please go get checked!! I caught mine early … I am lucky.

But I forgot about that from today. You don’t mess with cancer – better safe than sorry

Know your body! So yeah, any chance I get to speak to someone about it- yes I am going to inform them…

And it was a little funny, I told her about the desensitizing… and she laughed and said she had a friend who got implants, but not because she was sick… and she kept showing everyone lol

I definitely don’t do that, but I understand … it’s not really you anymore… and then so many doctors have to see and touch – so you get to a point where so many have seen and touched, who cares anymore and you forget how normal people feel about it lol

Funny how that works.

I had one of my own girlfriends who had implants at same time – but again she was not sick like I was – she has saline and I have silicone and we sat there “here feel mine, does it feel like yours?” Lol omg too funny – makes me laugh to remember

Ok good night for real this time – I am pretty sure that is everything lol ✌️

So much went on today. I got to work late again! Woo hoo!! Yay!! I love when that happens! I get more hours and get to be with kids – whom I just adore!!!!!!! I really love these kids!!! ❤️

So let’s see… I was not going to cover the shift? I didn’t think they needed me, yesterday they said they didn’t need me but today they did, was a lot going on – so yes please!! I took it… as much as I can when I can. (I have to pay the bills, ya know) I enjoy it anyway, so bonus all around!!

Our server was down today – Oh my god! Can you say frustrating!! Oh wow!! That was fun – everyone freaking out lol

It is kinda funny how dependent people are on technology lol… how did we ever live before that?? Lol

And the kids today… we were on break and talking about phones and I was telling them – back when I was a teenager – we had one land line … no cell phones, no computers, nada – and when you called my house to talk to me, you had to go through my parents first, and if you were a boy – nope not allowed 😄😄 … that is a mortifying thought for today’s kids lol – it was just funny to see their faces with how it used to be… oh how times have changed!! These people even have watches connected to internet … I had Atari and Nintendo woo hoo! … I still have the original 16 bit Sega Genesis, games and all lol

Then, I had to deal with my own cell phone, because they are charging me for some service I don’t even have… so they are correcting it thankfully! Cause yeah I am not paying for that!! You have to watch these people like a hawk!

After that, well I have told you that I dropped off the face of the earth with everyone. I just went silent. I do speak to family… because they will have a welfare check done if I don’t 🤨… I know they love me and wanna make sure I am ok… I am. It’s just been a lot, and I just want peace for a minute that’s all.

Well, there are a handful of people that I love dearly who are not family. They are “LIKE” family – my actual family is on the East Coast, 3000 miles away… so these others are family that I made out here, myself, on the west coast. I am far from my blood family. I only have the family of friends that I have created, out here.

I have a girlfriend (much older than me) I am very close to for over 20 years and she is dear to me, like a older sister, and her whole family… she has a brother that when I was going through really excruciating hard times – he helped me by letting me come help organize things for him and help him clean house. He paid me for that. I needed help and he did too – so it worked. That was right after I left.

He had a girlfriend at the time who had stage 4 cancer… she needed help too. I did anything I could… I would go clean her house for her and take her to chemo appts and sit with her… she paid me too. Not a lot, but she knew my situation. She died this past February 2019.

Well I am now living more than an hour from him. So I don’t get to visit alot. But I check on him from time to time to make sure he is doing ok and I know since losing her, he is very lonely. So I call him from time to time, to make sure he is doing ok.

And he is kind to me too… there is only a friend/family type relationship… so nothing romantic or anything… although I can be blind to that sometimes ??? …Alot – but I really think he just needs a friend and like I said he’s been kind to me too, when I needed it.

He keeps checking in to make sure I am ok… I don’t mind it when he does it – I enjoy the convos and we laugh a lot and tell stories.

He texted me tonight… he’s always so polite and texts me first… I like that. He makes sure I am not busy. That is very appreciated.

I called him back when I got home and we chatted. It was nice.

I have been really lonely – and it’s gets dark by 4:30/5pm… and I still want my peace and I’m too young to be going to bed THAT early!!! Lol… and I am not ready to come back yet… but I have been lonely (my doing)

And… well… I am still kinda recovering from the abuse I’ve been through… and I don’t trust blah blah blah…

I am very pretty and I look a lot younger than what I actually am… so I get hit on all the time… I can’t go anywhere without being hit on… the only time I am not hit on – is when I am at school ❤️ I love being at school!

I try to avoid these things – I am not ready. It’s almost like the more I try to avoid something the more it comes at me!! So yeah… I couldn’t take everything that had happened and then everyone coming at me… so like I told you – I went silent and I’m not ready to come back yet and I am definitely leery of men. I just need time. (If they would stop hitting on me then I would be ok… I have had stalkers and all of it) So now I just avoid and keep to myself… as much as humanly possible.

In stores, or places – I try to hurry so no one can catch me… but they still do… always. Tonight, as a matter of fact, I had to stop at the grocery store … and I had made it through the entire store without being hit on… while I was leaving some young guy says to me “where did you get that”

Well it caught my attention because I thought he was sincerely asking … so it made me turn around and say “What?” …

To which he replied “…that good looking” 🤨 … it was a “line” … yeah whatever … and I kept walking – nope, I want no part of that!!! Speak to me like a person – then you might have a chance. Use a line, and forget it – I’m not even giving the time of day.

I am not rude or mean ever!!! I am a people pleaser – I am always respectful friendly and kind … I am helpful to others and do whatever I can for anyone in need… it’s just when you are hit on all the time non-stop… it gets old really quick!!! Especially if you want no part of it. I am just trying to heal. And I would really like to be spoken to like a person – don’t give me lines … that makes me not trust immediately. Nope!! Good bye

Anyway… this guy friend of mine – he doesn’t threaten me in any way… I don’t feel guards up or anything – and we just have a friendship… so I am at ease – I think we are both just lonely for friends at this moment. So that was really nice to talk to him tonight. Again JUST friends! He’s kinda like a older brother? He calls me his little sister lol – I am adopted into their family for a long time. ❤️ Very non- threatening – and I feel like I can be at ease.

I did want to try to get into my heavy tonight – but nah… I’ve had a pretty good day today… so let’s not do that. Lol ✌️… I will, just not tonight. I like to keep a balance of good vs bad.

So wah lah… that was my day. Now I am home – it is NOT raining lol… and I am all cozy warm and happy. So I’m gonna end it with that!

Have a good night 💤🌙

It’s rainy again today. I hurt today. They say sometimes it’s because of the barometric pressure when you have had surgeries ?? I don’t know if that’s true – but I do really hurt.

It’s my breasts. My left side, the side I call my good side, is only hurting slightly. My right breast is hurting massively! That was the breast that had a lot of trauma and cancer. Many surgeries on that side. I have a big scar that goes from the cleavage at the top of my breast, all the way to my underarm – and they took lymph nodes too. That whole breast and area is bothering me really badly today. The pain is on my mind because it’s constant.

Breasts were never a big part of my life before and now I am getting used to them always being a thing 🤨…

Here is something kinda weird … maybe is normal – I have no idea… I have had a full mastectomy, both sides – and reconstruction. It’s cold out … my body heat is normal… but my breasts are cold!!!!!!! 🤨 I don’t understand that.

Before all this happened, I had worn those breast forms once or twice for a special occasion or whatever – I am thin. But they always heated up to body heat… these are INSIDE!! Why are they not heating up??

They took everything. Nerves and all – so I have no feeling. I can feel the coldness when you touch them. (Or if they hurt or ache – I just had the final surgery in July) – on a quick side note- sometimes I get itches that I can’t get to because these things are in the way!!!!!!!!!! I still getting used to it. Just different. I am happy I did the reconstruction though…

I would do it again despite everything… I needed it for me. Thank god I did – because after the mastectomy – well let’s just say if I ever posted those pictures anywhere – you immediately can feel emotion. My whole chest was gone and purple with tubes and ugh just awful. That makes me cry to remember – so yeah I would do the reconstruction again. Just still getting used to. They do look nice… better than I had before. Was emotional to go through and then getting use to them is a little weird. I have silicone, so they are soft and feel nice. I didn’t want the saline because the shell had ridges and it didn’t feel nice… my body would have rejected that in a second lol … but I like them. They help me feel better personally. Still emotional though. I don’t date yet, so only doctors, girlfriends and my oldest son has seen them (he took care of me after my final surgery)

But yeah, I hurt today a lot. I should probably call the doctor. In my mind, all I want to do is try that online doctor again lol… can I just do that??

One thing I hate… every since I was having lumps and issues … these drs (thousands of them) have to keep touching me!!! I don’t like that!!! Every-time I went in, was a different doctor. They all had to touch and feel and poke, blah blah blah. I used to be modest… but that desensitizes you. I really hated it!!

I once took my 12 year old to the dr with me… because it is good for her to know… and if I can teach her about these life things now – maybe won’t be so scary if she ever has to go through.

So she came with me, I got in my robe. The doctor came in and he was touching and stuff – behind him, I see her making judgmental faces lol… so I am trying not to laugh while the doctor is doing his thing lol.

After the appointment I asked her what she was thinking and she had one word… “creeper” lol

I said “well he’s helping me – that’s his job“

And she said… “I bet he only became that kind of doctor so he can touch boobs” 🤨🙄😄 she’s too funny – she makes me laugh so much ❤️ my little lady ❤️

After being desensitized, I once said … why can men be without a shirt when some have man boobs? But women can’t?

One of my sons said, “because mum… no one gets turned on by man boobs” lol …I got funny kids ❤️ point taken lol

One bonus thing that I get from all this – is I NEVER have to have a mammogram done again!! They can’t now. Yay!!!! Wooo hooo!!! But I do have to do chest X-rays in replacement of – but I will take that over mammograms any day!!!

So ok… I probably should call my actual doctor ☹️ … I am hesitating because I don’t want to. I don’t want to be touched or bothered or deal with it, or see a doctor. So yeah I should probably call while I think I have the nerve.

I might be back later, this is not what I wanted to write about today… I’m just in pain so it’s on my mind. 🤨 bleh

Last night I finished the first part of my project thing. I am adding to it now. I really hate this project – I am forcing myself!! I do not want to do it!! Mainly because is associated with stuff that makes me panic massive and I have no belief in anymore. But whatever – I have to do it, so I guess, no use complaining about it. And I’ve started, so now I’m going on it.

Just a pain in the ass cause I don’t wanna do it! Adulting, and doing it! Dammit

So whatever. Not everything can be unicorns and rainbows. (My elementary kids are wicked into unicorns lol)

This morning when I left for work, I stepped out into pea soup! Oh my god! It was soo foggy!!

Stayed like that through the morning … and then… sunlight broke through … it was glorious!! I went for a walk at lunch… ohhhh sun!!! Please don’t go!!! Reminds me suddenly of that song .. “Please Don’t Go” by Double You

Sun, I love you sooo, I… I want you to know… That I am gonna miss your love the minute you walk out that door!! Please don’t go! 🎶

It just made me think of that song. I love that song. Yeah, I didn’t want the sun to go away today!! That’s the perfect song about the sun today!!

Well, it went away, and fog is creeping back in now. So whatever – “life”

I go slow… because it was getting dark already before I even left work 🤨 … and then driving through the woods to my house in the dark, cold and fog … I have to high beam it and try to see through the fog.

I am glad I go slow, 2 deer dashed in front of my car – full on sprint 🤨 … so yeah – thankful for going slow! I have to watch closely for that sorta stuff – there are also raccoons, and skunks… we also have rattle snakes – but I haven’t seen any. They usually come out in the summer. It’s like living in a wild life preserve lol

I got to work extra hours today at work!! Woo hoo! That’s why I had to come home in the dark.

I don’t like night driving. Kinda hurts my eyes. And then you have these people, who just keep their brights on… umm hello – blinded over here!!

Well anyway.

I like my peace … I really really do… and I’m so exhausted from some stuff – so I have been silent with all my people – I went completely silent – just boom – nothing. I answer family – cause those people send swat to make sure I am still alive 🤨

But I kinda need the peace? Went through so much. So I dunno. I just shut down ? Not badly – just for a minute, shut down.

I had stopped everything – tv, internet all of it …and then I just went silent with all my people. It’s been since July.

There are times – I really love the peace – and I love not being hurt or not being sick, not being at someone’s mercy, etc… so in those things – the peace is just incredible!! I haven’t been able to breathe like this in a long time.

And I’m still going through ALOT of things that I have a hard time with..

It’s funny though because … when I had the cancer – I just laid it out to my family and friends – and the outpouring was incredible!! I wish could be like that for everyone everyday – not just when someone is sick… they were so comforting, loving and caring … I reached out and boom they there. I felt loved. I know I am loved.

But now, I don’t feel comfortable laying out this stuff I have a hard time with – it feels WAY more personal… and yeah I don’t feel comfortable saying anything … so I just withdrew and went quiet.

I had reached a point where … too much went on… I needed silence and I needed the peace. Just give me space for a moment. I stayed strong all this time, just give me a moment.

So anyway, I do need the moment. I lost my dad, my grandfather, my grandmother… all boom boom boom… and then my Mom has Alzheimer’s, we had to take control – and then I had the cancer – yeah, I need to breath for a minute. Those were some pretty heavy hits. On top of still being a mother and divorcing my abuser, who has been awful through everything … so yeah I can’t – I need a minute

I have my kids (my own and the ones at school) and they are amazing… I LOVE being a mother, and being around kids. I absolutely love being with them … I feel a comfort but my own kids, they are growing up and getting lives (🙄😄)

I do miss all my people and other things … but I am not ready just yet. I need a little time… but I will be ready to come back… I am just taking a breath. I got KO’ed for a minute lol

I still have who I am, I still have my strength, I still have a deal of spirit… I also keep my humor.

With the humor thing – if I am speaking of something heavy to me… you will always see a joke or something like that in there… I have to do that, so it isn’t so heavy. You know, break it up. It just helps me. It’s automatic.

Humor and comedy… really helped me stay strong through many things.

Well anyway, so that just came pouring out 🤨 but yeah… that’s where it is… I just need peace for a minute – let me regroup, and I’ll be back.

I am already strong, and I do love life very much, I am a happy, positive, optimistic type person. I just need to gather myself again.

I dunno. I just need time.

I miss them. All my people. But at the same time – I need the peace still – just for right now.

I have my day to day life… the school … my own kids… right now I just have to get through this LAST part. And I am terrified and then I don’t trust either, so I feel like I have to be guarded.

Well anyway, I need the peace but at the same time – I dunno. I do miss them – I’m not ready yet. I will, I promise – just let me get through this next part.

But it is weird… that medically even though I am still emotional with it- I can easily speak about it… Even in the beginning I could.

My heavy stuff – I just can’t … like the abuse and stuff like that or related to that- I can’t speak freely with? So just a little observation.

And then I have this thing, where I avoid things that make me panic – so all the heavy stuff makes me panic – I want to avoid as much as humanly possible. Also knowing that eventually I have to turn and face it… because it’s gonna haunt me always, if I dont. bleh

So whatever – life is gonna come. I am just regrouping. No need to call swat lol – I’ll be back.

This is helping me though. So I’ll keep this. I won’t isolate with this, and then maybe I can speak better ? I am unknown here, so there is a peace to that.

Ok well enough for tonight. I am worn out from the elementary/middle school today! … high school again tmrw.

Ya know, people don’t realize tiny things that can brighten someone else’s world even just a little bit – these kids just brighten my world and they don’t even know! They make a mark on my life. ❤️ I hope I do and have done the same for them. I really feel like they are my kids – I want to protect them and have them be smart and the best they can – I believe in them, they are REALLY great kids!!! I love this job!

Gnite ✌️

Ok… so my house did not float away. At this moment, the rain has lulled to a mist. I emptied all the buckets, replaced all the towels… got the heater set at beach weather lol – we good!

Also just FYI … the online doctor thing – that is going awesome – my cough is way better – med is working – I didn’t have to see a doctor – woo hoo! I can see how this could be dangerous though… because I kinda wanna use it for everything now lol – never see a doctor again … kidding but not really. I am telling myself no! But that is pretty awesome! I am quite delighted with this at the moment.

I do have to do some of that project I have, tonight. Bleh. Deadline is the 20th, I didn’t start last night, so I better start. I don’t want to be last minute and not do everything. I like to be early. I’ll start after this.

Today was first day back after a holiday break. So basically everyone had a hard time getting back into the groove. All the teenagers were tired. Happy but sluggish.

We have 3 weeks of school and then break again 🤨 … for 2 weeks!! I won’t see them until after the first of the year. So much break!!!

2020… that’s crazy. It’s going to be a crazy year!! Whew ok – buckling up. 2020 is going to be incredible. I made it through so much… a lot will end… and then a lot will change. It will be good and bad just like any other year… hopefully more good than bad this coming year!! But I think it’s going to be good or at least better…

I never say “can’t be worse” that’s only tempting fate lol … no thank you – I battled a lot, and suffered devastating losses last year- and I’m coming back to life now – sorta – my way lol … so will be a good year ❤️

I do miss Jack. But ya know, it’s best. He is not right for me. And I do miss the friendship, but I just think a clean break is good. Keeping him would clutter me? Just best for both. I have not heard from him and I do the same.

There are times when I want to tell him stuff, but eh… I don’t think he is healthy for me. I will stay away. Not that I don’t miss him… but if was meant to be – would be.

I have a lot on my plate – if he’s not beside me – then he’s behind me. Bottom line.

I tend to hang on to those I love – usually … and I do love Jack. It’s just, I’m too in love with him to keep him. We don’t want the same things, so that’s life.

So I dunno. Whatever. I’m not ready anyway. Just saying – I do miss him and do think of him.

Tmrw is elementary… high school is intellectual energy… elementary is physical energy lol … can’t wait to see all my little people!

I have one little boy at school – kindergartener – he cant go to normal school because he literally cried for weeks on end when the parents kept trying.

He came to us back in September … he cried the first week… but I knew how to help him… I miss my mom too, I want my mom… and I would like to cry like that for my mom… so I understand him. (And when I was little, I also cried for mom back then lol) “Sensitive” and missing mom.

He’s attached to me now – sees me and his little teeny tiny face just lights up!! He no longer cries – he loves it there with us!! I love seeing that little boy!! He is just the sweetest little thing!! He has really bloomed!! He is currently learning to read.

Funny how it took working at a school to actually really love school lol… but whatever works.

Ok well, I suppose I have to work on my project 🤨 meh. Best to be done though. Then I can relax.

Have a good night!

So couple things tonight…

First off, is still pouring. Roads were not that bad YET. Not sure if will be same story tmrw morning, if keeps raining like this. There were some “puddle lakes” – if they get bigger I won’t be able to go through.

Ok… so – Monday should be fun lol … if it’s not fire – I get floods … nice

I am supposed to be doing something at this moment… but I don’t feel like doing it and I don’t want to. My deadline is December 20th – I have plenty of time – I just don’t want to deal with it this evening so I am not. I will deal tmrw when I start the week.

And then … ok well … first let me start by saying… I had cancer – and I went through a lot with that… I had both breasts removed and then they did a reconstruction for me… they look good – I like em…

It’s just I really don’t want to deal with doctors ~sigh~ ugh it’s like instant exhaustion!!

So I have this cough… ok well – it won’t go away… I did not want to take the time and money to go in. Oh c’mon just give me time from doctors!! I need a break!

Ok… what to do? So I googled … Oh my god! I can just see a doctor online?? Boom sold!!

Looking at it from a normal point of view – that does not sound kosher lol

But to my current point of view… I get to avoid an actual doctor… so yeah. I need a break from doctors. So whatever – I did not die

I was kind of shocked you could do that, but whatever – bonus for me. You learn something new every day.

I had a lot of trauma through the cancer – so I’m still kinda very emotional with it and what went on during all of it.

I am not ready to see another dr just yet. I dunno – but that’s my reasoning. I felt panic until I found the online thing – now I am all thrilled and at peace.

Probably not the best thing to have done, but whatever – for now is fine.

I am not a social media or internet person so new discovery for me.

I also think I am avoiding things that make me feel panic – like completely avoiding. Or trying to. So I will have to watch that. I don’t want to feel panic, so I don’t want to do the things that make me feel that. But I am noticing it. So that’s good – I see it – know it … but whatever … the panic is severe with certain things so it’s hard. I’ll get through it… even if I want to avoid – eventually I have to face these things so – I will … just building strength to do so.

Well anyway… kind of a boring night … I’m not even tired in the slightest.. and that constant rain… I have buckets so you hear constant drips lol

First day back to school tmrw!!! Woo hoo!! My “other” kids!! They are not going to be happy with rain! They won’t get to go outside at all.

I really love getting to see all of them … tmrw I have high school. I smile and laugh all day long because of these kids! I love this job!

Ok I am off to prepare for bed and try to make myself ignore the rain and fall asleep. Have a good night 💤

The word of the day is “Treacherous”… it is treacherous outside today!

It’s just raining and raining, this constant boring pour… and it’s cold! I am definitely a summer girl!! Bring the heat! I want my sun back, says the woman living in California lol

Our winters are just rain and coldness… bleh!! No please! I wish we could just space it out all year long… but I think we about to get a few days of this pour!! Ugh!

All wet and soggy… ugh the hair … and then just going to be a drown rat all day! ugh

Yeah when’s summer?

We have to go out in little while. We about to find out how these country roads are with flooding … first timer right here lol … so let’s see how this goes.

Oh and I have a hilarious story… well it’s funny to me so whatever …

But I had dropped my daughter off at a friends house yesterday, when I went to pick her up… I’m standing there talking to the parents – and I mentioned when all these girls are on the phone… you have like 6 or 7 …12/13 yr old girls.

Oh my god! They are weird lol

And the dad laughs and says… I always thought was my daughter that was weird, then I met her friends and thought “oh ok, they are all like that” lol

I hope everyone had a safe and good Thanksgiving (if you celebrate that)

My brother is in Ireland visiting – he’s been there few times now … we are Irish, he is just Irish crazy lol

We had nice quiet easy Thanksgiving. I just cooked. Was yummy and peaceful

Ugh so much rain! All week I’m going to be all pruney, and wet and chilled cold… I shudder!!

Ugh winter – definitely not a winter girl. I like being warm and dry! Can I have the sun back?!

My house is kinda leaking 😮 … so I have some buckets around. Yeah think I am over winter – I’m good! Spring please!

I’m off to tell the teenager to take a shower 🤨

It’s early in the morning here. Everyone still sleeping.

I used to be one of those teenagers who wanted to sleep all the time… ahhh sleep! I could never get enough sleep back then. I would never be up early like this!

I have aged now … work or not … I have an internal alarm 🤨

I pop up early, see the time and DON’T want to get up – try to force sleep. That doesn’t work. So I just get up, make my coffee and then I get to enjoy some peaceful time for a minute. So that’s nice. However, it does give me an aged feeling 🤨…

I’m up before the crack of dawn, and then also, I go to bed kinda early, especially right now, when gets dark at 4:30/5pm!!! I go to bed most of the time by 8 or 9… sometimes I will push it later but not usually.

I like schedule and routine … for myself. I don’t force it on others. But for myself, I like consistency, safety, familiar, etc

It’s just funny. I’m old-ish now. I don’t mind – it’s peaceful … ahhh is that another sign of oldness? Actually liking it lol

But anyway, just thinking about stuff. I’m going to have a lot of massive changes this next year coming up. Whew!

My divorce should be handled. It’s been 3 years of horrific-ness! Even during my breast cancer battle, he was horrific. I had stress from all over – I was emotional and he was horrible… think he hoped I would die? I didn’t. I held it together. I kinda see light now? Possibly? Hopefully!

I have an oncologist… because of the cancer, they have to watch me. 🙄 (I really hate doctors and being poked and hurt and traumatized) I know SOME are helping – but not all. I just don’t like it… but my oncologist makes me laugh… he always says to me … I don’t know what stresses you out but you need to NOT have stress in your life.

HA! Funny man – yeah ok I’m working on that. Life is always going to have stress – but I will say this has been the worst and most stressful 3 years of my entire life!!

I have worked very hard to get through all that, finish with the cancer and reconstruction, get myself a job and then get a home. That’s not even mentioning the other massive events that went on!

I did that! I struggle really bad. First time ever in my life. I have always been a humble person, always! But with all this it’s humbled me to the core. I also do not trust because of that. I used to believe in trust… now I don’t trust. I used to believe in so much

But you know what they say, life is an adventure. So you ride it.

Along my adventure, I’ve met amazing people! And I have incredible friends! I could not have survived without the people in my life, not just saying that! I am grateful and thankful! Without them, I have no idea where I would be… you definitely need friends!

Before technology… people used to interact more – it took a village remember? It does! I would not have survived without my village people lol.

Once I stabilize life a little better, get through that divorce, handle my medical, be more secure and stable… once that’s all done… I think my life is really going to just be incredible! I will have my life back ❤️ (well with the exception of the occasional dr visit – I don’t sob anymore lol)

I do cherish life and love life always… even the little things… life can change in an instant! So take it all in!

I think this coming year – my sun is going to shine again!!! I can kind of feel a peace coming? Hard to explain? I just feel like I can do this. I am doing this. I’m almost through it!! Yay!!!

Struggle builds character right? …and in a roundabout way, I am thankful for my experiences – it gives me understanding, compassion and empathy, also there were lessons I did need to learn for my own self – I am learning- always

Even with the bad events, at that moment it was bad… but afterwards something good always came from it… when my dad died – that was devastating and hard. Even as I write that I start to cry.

But he died so we could help my mom – with Alzheimer’s – they kept that hidden from family and friends. We didn’t find out until after he died.

So things happen – it’s the circle of life … don’t think you can escape it. Take it as it comes, breathe, it will pass and then the sun comes back. Just do the best you can, we are only human. Everyone has a struggle. It’s ok. You get through it

I have always been strong as a person… but I was never strong to “survive” – I am now. Kinda… I waver lol … it’s really hard!

Well anyway.. ok shower time

Enjoy the day!