My 13 yr old daughter woke up this morning with a fever. Poor thing 🤒

She’s at that age where, I no longer buy the liquid children’s meds … so past few times we are learning how to swallow actual pills 🤨 this does not go well – and yes, we have tried crushing them and putting it in something – that doesn’t work, cause if you have ever tasted crushed pills … ewww gross!! 🤮

She’s getting better at it – but all I had in the house at the moment, was the gel capsules … which are like horse pills to her lol … luckily my neighbor had some regular normal small Advil. So she had that instead.

Her fever has broken at this moment – but I’m watching her… she is still not herself and also complains that her head hurts and her throat is a little sore.

I’ve gotten her to keep down some toast and saltine crackers, and she’s drinking fluids… so hopefully I can get her better fast!!

Thank GOD, I finished all the Christmas stuff!!! I can just relax and take care of her. I won’t have to leave her side.

Hopefully I do not catch it… I need a mask lol… I’m cooking “everything” on Christmas so – please dear god!!

But ya know – life happens – ya roll with it.

If I get sick 🤨… we have soup for Christmas lol – at least everything else is done and ready.

I have even finished wrapping everything!! I had that done days ago. I am currently completely on top of everything this year!!

… and school is out currently, so get all sickness out of the way now!!

Hopefully she feels better soon, and no one else falls sick 😳🙏

I’m going to be drinking herbal teas with lemons, taking vitamins and making sure I do everything I can not to catch whatever that is!!

Prevention!! Lol – not gonna get me!! Not this year!!

Whoa! Some strong winds here – and rains, and it’s cold. When is spring again?? Omg It’s still December!

Yeah yeah… don’t wish my life away, I know. I just miss the sunshine and being outside!! Cabin fever today!!

Someone I just met at a holiday party, asked me on a date for this coming Saturday – I haven’t given an answer yet.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I am ready for anything yet.

I do actually like this man though… he seems like a gentleman …we have the same type of demeanor and we like the same things, I think he is respectful funny and kind. I just met him so I don’t know him well though …

I’m just kinda nervous and I don’t know. I don’t think I am ready … it just pisses me off when I keep saying that. I am holding myself back.

Life is experiences right… maybe if wasn’t a date? That feels like a little pressure and makes me feel nervous. I don’t think I am ready for a date? I feel nervous

Maybe just … hey, wanna grab coffee? Wayyyyyy better lol

Instead he’s like … let’s go out on Saturday night… 7pm… what would you like Mexican, Italian or Chinese

Ummm … so that’s gonna be a date – that did not give me a moment to turn him down lol – I did not expect that. I did actually like his confidence!

I like my life kind of peaceful right now?? Am I ready for someone to come in or be in my life ?? I don’t know. I feel panic with that.

However … I do have moments where I will panic about something … but will be one of those things in life you must do… so I am forced …

I will do what I have to do, even if I don’t like it. Like for example… I don’t like the doctors office … ughhhhh … if you could only hear that groan! I hate it there!!! I hate the smell, I hate going there, I just don’t like going to the drs.

Or courts … ughhh …

Yeah I don’t like those things!!! I would like to avoid them – but I can’t. I have to adult 🤨 dammit!!!

And I’ll go… and then sometimes isn’t as bad as I thought… and a weight is lifted

So … could be same here?

I like who this man is so far, so that’s a good point to start with.

Maybe not this weekend though, cause I have the kids all here and I don’t want to miss a moment with them. It’s the weekend in between the holidays. I just met him – that’s too fast!!

I’m kinda scared to move forward – I was with my ex since I was 17… I was 44 when we separated 3 years ago. Was a horrible marriage.

And ya know – life beat me up there for a minute. So I’m trying to breathe.

And there was Jack, I let my guard down with Jack… he never became part of my life – but he was really close, just as in friendship. I just don’t trust him now, and I don’t want what he wants. I don’t even speak to Jack anymore. Haven’t since the beginning of November? That wasn’t meant to be.

I know life is going to throw things at you to make you grow… so ok… I could do dinner. Maybe. We see – “next week” – not this week… “MAYBE!”

A maybe is good… it’s not a no.

Like I said, I have my life really peaceful right now – I kinda really like that at this moment …

So I guess that’s what I mean when I say … I don’t think I am ready…. that has the possibility of causing ripples in my life.

I don’t want to waste his time if I’m not ready. That’s why I always turn people down, and keep to myself. And I want to go slow. I need slow!! Sllllllooooowwww!!!

Like when you are trying to get a scared animal to come to you, no fast movements… earn their trust, so they don’t bolt.

If he is ok with NOT doing THIS weekend, but MAYBE “next”… and can accept just friends for now – then ok, I will give a chance.

I just feel on guard so?? I dunno what’s wrong with me.

Makes me nervous.

I guess it’s just that… do I want someone coming in close ?? Am I ok with that?

I don’t know??

It’s just a dinner – not a marriage proposal (thank god!) … so should be fine right?

I never go out with anyone. I don’t give the time of day usually … if I keep to myself then I have peace… I really do like that peace

And I’ve never really dated. I was 17 the last time. So just way different now.

But I suppose I can try life a little bit … new year coming … that might be a good thing?

He was able to avoid me telling him an “immediate” no… so that’s a first. That was clever.

I’m on the fence … on one hand – try for a minute… it’s not a big deal – is dinner.

But it is kind of a big deal for me?? Bleh

Yeah let’s just go with “Maybe” for now. I will think about it.

Gnite ✌️

I should start by saying, I am not a shopper.

Last year, I was sick… so Christmas was not about the presents – it was about life.

This year – I made it through… and I get to shop for the people I love. I still don’t have a lot – so I can’t afford extravagance or major purchases – just little things I know will say how much I love them and know who they are. It will be a very simple Christmas – but a good one.

Christmas is not supposed to be about presents anyway – we want our loved ones to feel that Christmas magic on Christmas morning … the warmth, the love, the care.

I want to see the love in their face. I was down last year, this year I have some things for them. That’s touching to me.

Last year was hard – this year is going good.

I don’t like to order things online … I just don’t. I’m not an online person at this moment. (I just do this blog)

So… I had today off and figured I better get everything done so I don’t have to shop this weekend 🤨… I do NOT want to be shopping this weekend!!!

It’s already crazy out there… all the parking lots to stores are packed… and the stores themselves – huge lines, huge crowds.

I am uncomfortable in large crowds!!

I’m not even attempting the malls – they have attendants in the parking lots that have those orange sticks they use at airports 🤨 … yeah no… I’m not even going near that!!!

I’m pretty much done. I have all the stocking stuffers. And I have their presents from me… I give them the sucky stuff, clothes, shoes and things mom’s pick …

I still play Santa – I don’t care if they don’t believe or not… I partially do that for myself. My mother used to say … if you don’t believe, you don’t get … and then for myself … Santa is kind of a little bit of Christmas magic ? I dunno but I like that.

I do believe in Christmas magic, so I do Santa

That’s kind of how Christmas got to be commercial … is because of Santa.

The issue I have with commercialization is not the presents … the 3 wise men brought presents … but stop for a moment and remember what Christmas is.

Don’t be rude, be kind. Many shopping had no regard for anyone else. Stepping in front while others are also trying to shop, not being kind to others, stressed or whatever else.

That is not Christmas spirit – that is not what Christmas is about. Christmas is showing human kindness and love.

Is about being with those who are special to you. Cherishing those moments, appreciating them.

To those you don’t know – show kindness – be compassionate and understanding of the plight of others. We share the world together.

Last year I was away from all that… because I was sick- it was an awful year in that regard – however – my present last year was to see how much I was loved and appreciated, despite not being able to give anything.

My kids stayed by side the entire holiday. I had never felt so much love and devotion as I did last year. That is a present that lasts forever ❤️ I will always cherish that!!! They just wanted me to be ok. Nothing else mattered.

I got kind of spoiled in that way… I kinda prefer that over presents. (Not being sick- hated that) but I mean being together and so much love was there, even when I had nothing for them. I raised amazing kids ❤️ I was NOT lucky to have been sick- but I WAS lucky to see from that perspective ❤️

This year I have things for them, not a lot – but things that will make them smile.

But anyway… I’m glad I got that done!! This weekend is going to be a nightmare for shoppers! It’s just so packed and crazy.

I prefer peace – not that lol

Directly after Christmas – people be doing returns

And then after New Years – no one will be in the stores

It’s just a crazy time of year. I didn’t miss this last year. I am extremely thankful that I am here and better this year. Slowly getting my life back ❤️

Even if you don’t believe the same religion or things I do, may you have peace and love during the winter season ✌️

Gnite ✌️

Oh my god! Christmas shopping 🤨too much massive crowds!! 😮

So school is out until the 6th of January 😮☹️ booo!!

I said to the middle schoolers today … “oh you guys are going to be like – oh I miss school sooo much can’t wait to go back – you gonna miss it!”

And one says “uh no! Literally no one says that… EVER!” 😄😄 they all agreed lol

I do!!! lol I’m gonna miss it!!!

But that was a funny moment! ❤️ those were my middle schoolers

Lol today I confused the 2nd and 3rd graders by accident

I told them – I will see you next year!! Woo hoo!

I did not really know that was NOT a good thing to say… cause they took it literally – they had a feast today and said to their teacher “were going to miss you” and started giving her hugs and saying goodbye lol

Confused, she asked them what they meant …

By the words “next year”… they took it as in “school” year… lol … so they all thought they would be moving up a grade, and get new teachers lol

She had to explain – no no… same grade … just new year as in 2019 will become 2020.

They are funny – I had no idea they would misunderstand … alright then “noted” – be careful of how you use your words!!

Then… in the school fridge we had some extra milks… we have some kids who can’t have dairy so they don’t take the milk. usually we can use the following day, but these will be there until January 6th so they will expire before they could be used – they were just going to throw them away…

I asked if I could take them… I don’t drink dairy either – but I know someone who would love that milk…

So they said I could take them, and I called a elderly woman I know – I asked her if she would like some free milk ? It was from school, so is those little tiny cartons …

She was so thrilled – she doesn’t have much and her husband just died. She was very thankful.

I knew exactly who to give to, when they said they were just going to throw them away. I’m glad they didn’t go to waste and went to someone in need who wanted them!

I feel weird knowing I’m out of school until the 6th… what do I do? Yeah I got 2 holidays thrown in there … Christmas on Wednesday … and then New Years Eve Tuesday night and obviously New Year 2020 the next day, Wednesday.

We won’t go back to school until the Monday following New Years. So just seems like a really long time – and I really love my job!!!

Being out of work like that, kinda makes me remember being out of work because of the surgeries ?? Kinda weird? But it does. Probably cause it feels like is gonna be sooooo long – my own kids are even looking forward to the break.

I am too … so I may be with my kids … we do special things ❤️ I will share as we do them. I am excited for that. And they will be off with me.

Just weird having a school schedule again… and not working just reminds me of last year. Probably just right now because was my last day? I’m sure I’ll have a lot to do and be busy making memories myself …and then when we do go back …

I’ll probably say – I need a vacation from my vacation lol – kidding but maybe ✌️

Enjoy the rest of your day, and Gnite ✌️

Ok … gifts again today… aww 🥰… I brought candies, fudge and an ornament for everyone. I like ornaments because they can mark time or that moment… after Christmas you put away until next year and then when you take it back out … you remember ❤️ nice memories attached to ornaments “usually”. So yeah, I gave an ornament – and yummy things ✌️

I have to go to the store 🤨 … it is rainy today – I don’t want to deal with Christmas shoppers. I am not a big fan of crowds. But I have to go to the store and buy something 🤨

I have to buy winter pajamas that I can wear to school 🤨… that I will only ever wear on actual “pajama day” … I don’t have pajamas … I wear a T-shirt … I am under like 50,000 blankets so I don’t want to be all dressed – pants at night make me uncomfortable and then I can’t sleep… I need freedom in winter under all those covers

So I have to buy pajamas… that I can wear to school… I have to be dressed like that tmrw… 😳

Yes be comfortable – but also weird being all around in public wearing pajamas 🤨 – not my thing… I like looking good and being put together or looking that way.

I will be embarrassed little bit – but I’m going to look for the most normal looking pajamas I can find.

Today… school ended and some parents were late doing pick up… I do not mind – I love spending time with these kids – I 100% enjoy them!!! They bring a smile to my face every single day!!! I love hearing their thoughts, they come to me about things in their lives etc … they are ALL amazing kids – we really have the best group of kids!!

I am speaking of my high schoolers …

There’s this one girl… she’s beautiful… she has street smarts … and she is actually really smart… however… I think she’s embarrassed to be smart or good ?

I believe in her so I am kind of a cheerleader for her… I enjoy her a lot… she’s a good girl. She could be a triple threat – beautiful, street smart and school smart – if I can get her to believe in herself and not be embarrassed? She’s young – freshman … I know she doesn’t have greatest role models, and she is from a poor area… could be considered “the hood”

I know she wants to be liked and accepted.

Today we talking and she say some girls told her the other day, they were afraid of her… this girl is not scary…

But as she tells me the story, she her mother said “smile more”

She said she started smiling more and now she’s really fitting in… I’ve watched her making friends – and she’s very well liked. She has a very outgoing personality which could, maybe, scare some people, who are more on a quiet scale?

But that’s the thing – get to know someone before you judge who they are.

She told me today… that she wasn’t a very good person in general… I don’t believe that… she has a good core – that’s all you need. If you have a good core – it usually doesn’t turn bad

What I think it is… is maybe – first of all, of course, fitting in… and being a teenager now … wow what a sucky time to be a teenager!!

Here is why I say that… growing up, “my” teenage years were tough also – emotions and fitting in – finding who I was and what I believed… and yes I believe it was tougher than my parents had before me…

Well same for these kids – I didn’t have technology coming at me in all directions – I am among the last to experience growing up without the world at my fingertips. We had TV, telephones, microwaves and vcrs just came out – don’t forget Atari.

And then you have that teenage brain, figuring out emotions and who they are – it’s just seems like to me… there are just so many rules to just know nowadays !!

This generation claims to be a generation of acceptance – they all want to be accepted and respected … of course… everyone does in some way.

But then at the same time… I keep hearing all these stories about people making a mistake and then the internet comes down on them and crushes them… ummm ???

So I would think, that if the generation is so accepting of other things … instead of destroying someone …wouldn’t you put out a hand? … life is learning right? Take something from the experience and learn from it. Share opinions but also respect them of others. It is ok if you don’t agree with me. It’s an opinion

And people can have 2 different opinions – and it’s ok. If you don’t agree, that’s fine – is my opinion – you free to have your own.

I have a high school boy who said I would be considered “rebellious” lol …

He said that because I said “ I just do my own thing, you be who you want to be, I want to be who I want to be. In today’s world, Oh my god! There are so many rules and I don’t know what half the things even mean!! So whatever – it’s too much … so I just do “my own” thing. I appreciate others for who THEY are – I respect people very much. If I am wrong about something – please by all means give me information.”

But because I don’t conform to today’s society … (I can’t – way too many rules – they live so stressfully!) … but because I don’t conform – I am “rebellious” he says lol …

I don’t know if rebellious is the way I would word it… but yes I am rebellious against the strict rules of my parents generation… and then rebellious of all the stressful ways of the generation after me.

Anyway… their parents came to get them

When I said – I will see you next year… my freshman girl stopped and turned around and made a sad face, asking if she can just stay…

So yeah. I didn’t see that before – I knew she was smart – I just thought “I” was the only one who really loves school! Lol … but I saw that on her face and in her reaction today!!

When she did that… I knew instantly – she loves being at school JUST as much as I do. Ah ha!!! She wanted to stay!! I can relate to her!!

Just thoughts… Ok I should go get these pajamas. ✌️

I got gifts today… I didn’t expect to get gifts.

I’ve only been at my job since August. I just didn’t expect anything. It kinda threw me off.

Last year was all doctors and hospitals … I got to be with my kids … but this is really my first Christmas after everything.

I wasn’t really thinking of gifts … and I’m a little odd with that … I am soft and sentimental … sometimes those things make me cry for the thought put into it.

When I got the gifts today – I most definitely did not want to cry or have them see any emotion with it. But it is emotional … they are amazing

But anyway – I didn’t actually expect that or even think about it. They are going to make me cry if they keep doing that. I just enjoy being there. I love being around them. They brighten my world as is. I have the best job ever

I make impacts and they do too, only they do theirs without realizing.

I never expected to get attached to these people … I never thought of that when I took this job.

Oh and also… I made the call … I did it. They are setting me up with a mental health professional … so we see how goes

So Today was a good day.

I have to be quick because I am up WAY past bedtime – I am going to be dragging tmrw 🤨 I was making fudge 🤨 cookie swap thing

Ok gnite ✌️

So after last nights post, I was kind of thinking … so I googled some stuff.

PTSD… I had a lot of trauma… and then when I was reading about PTSD … I really don’t know much about it – I know military people can suffer from that…

The info I read was from:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

I am new to blogging so, not really sure how to state my references for the info – (plus I’m older and not familiar with protocol online) … but that’s the website I read from… I will comment on their things and what I have pasted… this is a long post and I commented again after the symptoms. I’m just trying to figure out, because something is wrong.

But anyway… here is what it listed for symptoms …

Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

• Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event (**yup have this)
• Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks) (- **yup this too!)
• Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event (- **yup have this)
• Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event (- ** yup absolutely completely)

Avoidance

Symptoms of avoidance may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event. (** yup I try to avoid talking about it to actual people in person.)
• Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event (**yup anything that even resembles anything bad – I’m out – I avoid)

Negative changes in thinking and mood

Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:

• Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world. (**… umm, not really, but I trust no one)
• Hopelessness about the future (** I don’t believe things I used to anymore and I don’t trust anyone – courts lawyers doctors – I miss my family… so yeah I guess – but I do love life and want life and hope – I do still hope! I just don’t trust in fairness?)
• Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event (** yes I sometimes worry I will follow in my mother’s footsteps)
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships (** I don’t trust anyone to let anyone come close- I’m not ready)
• Feeling detached from family and friends (** yes but I did that, I was the one who ghosted)
• Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed (** yes)
• Difficulty experiencing positive emotions (** no I don’t have this – I am always usually bubbly and positive – just extremely private – but I am social, lucky to be alive, cherish life / just want peace… I am a positive person – I always smile no matter what)
• Feeling emotionally numb (** yup cause I don’t want to feel all those intense pain or emotions – I like to laugh not cry – I hate crying!! I won’t watch movies if they have the possibility of making me cry -not even a Disney movie)

Changes in physical and emotional reactions

Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:

• Being easily startled or frightened (** yup, totally jumpy)
• Always being on guard for danger (** yup – I am always on guard or feel fear or panic – except at school – I can put my guard down with my kids at school ❤️… but otherwise I am on guard!)
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast (** well I don’t drink or so drugs so no on that… I do like to drive fast … I like to move it, move it lol … but that’s nothing new – I am careful and drive slow in country because of animals – but in city – move it lol)
• Trouble sleeping (** yes)
• Trouble concentrating (**yes)
• Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior (** no… I am never irritable, never angry, and absolutely never aggressive – I don’t have those emotions? I don’t like them – so you guessed it – I avoid them like the plague. In myself or others… My emotions are happy, sad, sacred, that sorta stuff )
• Overwhelming guilt or shame (I do not experience guilt or shame … maybe shame cause I can’t understand or process my life now? With an actual medical condition I can speak freely about – but a mental condition? I dunno – I can’t speak… I feel like they aren’t going to understand ?? Not relate? I don’t wanna be crazy or have a mental condition. So I don’t feel comfortable with speaking about it. I don’t want to be broken – I want to fix it myself but I don’t know if I can? I want to be ok by myself for myself,..so yeah I can’t speak because maybe shame?)

So anyway… I think I might have PTSD? I do hate google sometimes because I don’t want to self diagnose? Ya know? Like WebMD lol

By my symptoms kind of match? Or I feel they do?? They seem to line up?

So I don’t know… I have a friend who was in the military years ago – since retired … I asked him if my symptoms sounded like it, and I didn’t go into a lot of detail – but a quick paragraph of all the trauma – he said… (I am going to copy paste from his text message…)

No PTSD is not a term designated to combat trauma. It is a brain defense mechanism to try and hide and forget mental trauma. Based on what you said you could be medically called PTSD. You have had a lot of bad things happen to you and your brains Fight or flight mechanism has chosen flight. This isn’t something you will likely get passed alone. I would strongly recommend you seek help to help you come up with a game plan and tools to help get you thorough this.

… so I do trust his opinion – so I think maybe I’m going to ask for help. Omg ok … I don’t like that.. I will TRY to work myself up to asking for help – I want to avoid that, so that’s gonna be hard! I don’t want to ask for help – and I’m gonna walk in there and not trust the doctors so ok … this is hard 🤨

Don’t prescribe me anything – I wanna see them be an actual doctor first… you gonna have to earn my trust, I wanna see you work and earn the degree you got – maybe change my diet or show me how to cope – teach me… if you can prove to me a medication is needed – I want and explanation of what will do, what are side effects, why I should take, why I should listen?? I’m not going to trust their degree … so yeah with a doctor – right off the bat… I’m not going to trust. They gonna have to earn that. Sorry. I don’t trust doctors or their degree. They are going to need to earn my respect – good luck.

Ok well I have to do something right – I kinda feel I do. Cause I am disconnecting massive. It’s becoming a problem.

I think I need help? Bleh… I don’t want to need help. That makes me cry I don’t want that.

Yeah this is going to be hard – dammit.

When the kids were little, and they had to get shots or something… I would always say… sweetie sometimes in life we all have things we don’t want to do, but we have to, because that’s life. Sometimes you just have to do things you don’t want to do. (I was normal and strong then)

So I remember that… I should probably listen to that… I just feel intense with it, so it is going to be hard. And I don’t want to feel all those emotions – they flood – I can’t handle it. I’m not ready.

I could go around and around because I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to say I need help. And then I will have to reface everything it’s all gonna come. I don’t know if I am ready – I am scared – I feel panic

Hold your breath and do it right? Don’t think just do. I will try – I do want my life back.

I’m just scared. It’s alot to me.

Ok so suck it up one more time, just do it – I can just say I will try.

It’s a struggle for sure. I get frustrated because I know something is wrong. But like I always say – I’m not ready … so I am going to have to fight that and just do it.

I can do this. What do I want? I want my life back. I want peace … I don’t want to live in fear and panic because it’s beginning to take over – I feel that constantly … except when I am at school – school with the kids is the only place I feel at ease. Without any fear or panic.

I no longer want to have that… it’s too much. I want that to stop.

So anyway. Ok… I just have to do this – I’m just gonna do this week – I can’t promise tmrw – but I will say this week. I am still scared. I don’t like this at all- either way…

I don’t want fear or panic and I don’t want help… so one of em gonna win – and I want my life back so I’m gonna go for the help. Bleh

I was with a girlfriend getting coffee and catching up tonight… yeah I’m a coffee drinker – New England – so that be Dunkin Donuts coffee only – none of this Starbucks crap 🤨 but we went to Starbucks 🤨… because the closest Dunkin is far 🤨 … but California has a Starbucks on every corner 🤨… welcome to California lol

I understand that though, because the east coast is like that with Dunkin Donuts lol… so I guess I can’t really complain too much lol

Anyway… that’s my gripe of the night.

I had a good day/night. Was nice. Had coffee (although it was Starbucks 😝) …saw my friend… had peace – laughed, talked constantly lol … I love that!

That helped. It took me away from that panic. So, yeah, it helped. I didn’t even mention that, cause nope!!! Did not even want to get into all that!! Omg – yeah so I avoided lol

See “patterns” … ok so let me ask you this… to form a habit takes 21 days? Right? Ok… so what about to stop a habit ? And how do you stop panic? What if it is automatic, how do you control it? It just comes on… so therefor, I don’t like that… I want to avoid that…

I can not go around life being like “oh I don’t like that, let me avoid it” … Oh my god! You just can’t live like that! So how do I fix that?

How do I break myself from avoiding things that are too much for me? I do want life… but I am kinda of shell shocked ? I guess that’s how I would explain it??

In 2016, we separated – and started divorce .. that’s a whole story in itself (but not tonight)that marriage was abusive and he is horrific…

2017 – when my father died – we didn’t expect that, he had been sick before with cancer – but they always saved him and he was in remission. But that poison – the Chemo and radiation – it weakened his heart and he had a cardiac arrest – he was 67 😭… that was a huge punch and that just sent our worlds in a tale spin … and it didn’t stop

After he died, we learned that him and my mom were hiding that she had Alzheimer’s – and that was a blow… mom I miss you!!!!!!!!!! I was so close to her – I still am … but it’s different – I hate that disease … it slowly taking my mom away 😭 – I want my mom!!!!!!! It awful… be cause I have her there and I am thankful for that… but I’m losing her and everyday I miss her just more and more 😭 but she’s still here. I just want things back – that was too fast and just 2 huge blows – boom boom 💥 💥

Ok life happens you have to deal right – ok … so we took control of my mom and she is set. I have to accept my dad is gone – ok …

And then… a month after all that, my grandfather died 😭

And then I got cancer 😭 I couldn’t even tell my mom, they said not to because in an Alzheimer’s patient – something like that could loop a terror memory… I needed my mom… I needed her most at that moment than ever before!!! And then all those memories flooded back from when my dad had cancer – and then you are terrified you are going to die – but you have zero control – what’s going to happen is going to happen… so suck it up and deal

And I was actually very lucky … in all aspects with that… I caught early and had a good outcome – I am cancer free at this moment and I had incredible support from my community and from my friends ❤️ I am definitely lucky enough to know how loved I am. I felt very loved during all of that.

But that was another huge blow… that was so hard… that was why I always cried on my surgeon … and by cried – I mean sobbed lol … I really don’t think he knew what to do. Just keep explaining – I have no control over the sobbing lol …

All that halted my life for about a year and a half … like completely halted my entire life – and was suddenly doctors and hospitals and surgeries and disgusting things!! Ugh

So then in the middle of all that… my grandmother died 😭 Oh my god! What the hell god!?! Have mercy!! Can I keep SOME of my family please??!!!

And the this divorce is still going – we about to go into trial- he is ruthless – and only adds to the panic. But he enjoys that.

So… here I am. I am shell shocked by life right now.

As each one happened – I took hit after hit … so now I am paralyzed. I never had time to process the first thing before something else happened and now I can’t process it all – cause as you see here … I speak about it and I feel that massive pain and just so much went on!! It makes me cry and then not breathe!

So… now I avoid. Whew.

And then also… on the upside of that… I want peace – so I go out of my way for peace – I came to the country, lost power – so that was a stress, but it’s peaceful here.

I found where I belong and what I love in the country – that peace is incredible!!

I stopped looking or going on Facebook – which was my only social media – just family and friends … they are all worried about me… but I can’t – its too much right now.

I stopped watching the news, because I can’t – its too much right now. I stopped everything and live as peaceful as humanly possible.

So while that’s an upside “to me” lol… ummm I am very disconnected – I disconnected myself from life. Gimme a minute ya know?

I started this so I don’t disconnect completely and I can figure out how to fix. Or deal? Or move forward better – I want to be able to … well I never want life to crush me like that again! I want to be strong enough to never fear. Bring it. (I am not this strong just yet)

I like this. The blog thing… I can just write it down and then as I go, I can maybe overcome it?

I do feel 2020 being brighter – I haven’t had that feeling in years.. so hoping it is anyway – I am tired.

So whatever – this was emotional 🤨 ugh

So yeah – I just need to process and heal. I broke for a second. Life slam dunked me. Whew!

I’ll get through it – then I’m gonna be a force.

Gnite ✌️