Today, I was talking to my landlords sister. I was asking her about lawyers and courts. She’s been through a divorce so I just wanted to hear her thoughts. Although she did not have much advice to offer because her divorce was simple. Mine is not.

I kinda opened up and told her a little bit … herself and my landlord have really been amazing to me…

After I had my last cancer surgery I found their listing for the place I live in now… I met my landlord and loved her immediately – she had lost her husband around the same time I lost my dad, and we both suffered through breast cancer. So there was just an instant connection.

She is kind and compassionate and a really good person, huge heart and always with a smile.

Her and her sister both took to me right away. My landlord reminds me alot of my own mom, very bubbly and friendly and kind… you want to just hug her and never let go. But I find them both very comforting right now.

I love being here where I live. I chose this place because it was what I could afford – I needed the peace of the country after going through so much. I wanted a place I could come to and have peace … I found that ❤️ … and a lot more.

Little by little they learn more and more about me. Sometimes I forget I might not have mentioned ALL my losses …

I excitedly told them about my job interview on Monday and explained I would be perfect cause I lost so many people, I have great empathy on that. I mentioned my dad and my grandparents … they knew about my dad… and they know my mom has Alzheimer’s, but I don’t think I ever mentioned all the others?

They paused for a minute, maybe to absorb that info? And then were so excited and supportive of the job interview

I told the sister what my lawyer does and how I do everything she says and even lined this up … along with continuing to apply to things just incase. I told my lawyer just responded “well better than nothing” … that was a cold and mean response ☹️ my lawyer knows everything I have been through.

I kinda got teary, and the sister said “what a bitch” lol which made me laugh cause these women are high class – it’s just funny to me lol

But anyway… today the sister turned to me and said “well we are excited for you, we are your family now, we won’t let you fall” awww ❤️❤️❤️

I do kinda love them like that too. And I don’t feel as terrified and alone as I did… I’m still scared – but having people like a family ?? I dunno I miss that.

So I have a family ❤️ I won’t fall. ❤️ it makes me feel stronger. They have touched my heart very much, they make me not feel as scared. I am highly comforted.

I have a story for you tonight about death … is my first experience with it. I was 7…

It was my great grandmother. She was Lithuanian… and only spoke Lithuanian. When I was little I could understand things like I love you and come sit with me… that sort of stuff … I don’t remember now – it’s been so long.

She used to call me “her little nurse”. She was always elderly and frail … so whenever we visited I would bring along my little doctor kit… as soon as we got there … I would be taking her temperature, checking her pulse lol … it’s funny to remember that. I just wanted her always there. I wanted to take care of her.

Well when she died, I was inconsolable. I had never cried so hard and felt so much pain in my life before that… my grandmother thought it would be best if I did not attend the funeral because I was too upset and so was everyone else – but I was the most upset.

And that was hard to me, I knew she was dead – I just wanted to say goodbye. I felt like I wasn’t allowed.

Weeks later, they took me to the cemetery plot to pay my respects … I jumped out of the car, shoved my face in the grass and just sobbed – they tried to get me to be ok… but I just wanted to cry into the grass … I was 7… I believed my tears had so much love in them, they would wake her up and bring her back to life for me… so I just sobbed into the grass. Obviously that is not possible, but you can’t tell that to a grieving child. You just have to let them let it out.

Until my grandfather said my name… look over here he said… I looked up and through my tears there were 3 pennies sitting there on the grave stone … I had not looked at the grave stone until that moment. I asked if he put them there, and he said no… and then said, “maybe Nana just wanted to let you know she was ok and would be fine. Her way of saying I love you too”

So that meant something to me at that moment at 7 years old… I took those 3 pennies and held on tightly to them. I still have them.

Every time after that, that I have gone to visit the grave, each time there were 3 pennies – even if I went by myself … so I started bringing 3 nickels … my way of saying “I love you and miss you”

I would lay them exactly where the pennies had been laid, and I would take the pennies and place the nickels

It was kinda like communicating with her? I haven’t been back in awhile – I live far away now. But sometimes I find exactly 3 pennies in odd places … it makes me think of her.

I don’t know if the pennies would still appear on the grave now that my grandparents have passed too?? But they are also buried there – they had a family plot.

I like to think those 3 pennies would still be there – just waiting for me. Saying “I love you, I am ok” ❤️

It was sad to lose her, but that became one of my favorite things. I’m sure it was probably my grandfather… he was that way to make sure I knew how loved I was, and he always wanted me happy

He used to take me to the bakery where all his friends would be and proudly show me off as his granddaughter ❤️

And it was awesome being at my grandparents!! Oh my god! Did they spoil!! I could have candy before dinner – fill up and then have popcorn and ice cream afterwards …

He would take me to the store and say pick out whatever you want 😮❤️ Oh my god! Lol what do I pick lol … it was awesome

And then I was his little right hand girl… and same with my grandmother… so if my parents got mad at me – it didn’t matter … they stepped in and trumped my parents and they couldn’t do anything cause that was THEIR parents lol… that was the best ever!! Lol

I loved being with my grandparents – my grandfather even had a boat… he named that boat after me. I would be like 3 or 4 years old and he would sit me on his lap and let me drive the boat…

I would floor it, until I got it to top speed – then I’d cut the wheel so the boat went up in its side and my grandmother would be holding on in the back of the boat – I used to squeal with delight!!! I LOVED that!!!

My memories of my childhood are pretty amazing… I miss my family. I had a wonderful life with them. I always cherished every moment!!

Anyway.. family… it’s important – to me anyway. Is safety and comfort, and love.

I was very blessed to have experienced such amazing moments with such love and happiness…

I am determined to find my sparkle again… I took a photo tonight (a selfie which I never do) and looked at it… I lost my sparkle… I still look happy – but a sparkle I used to have is missing – I want that sparkle back…

It will never be as it was, ever again… but I know I can find my sparkle again. ✨❤️ will just take time.

These were nice stories to remember tonight ❤️

Anyway gnite for now. ✌️

Remember the other night I mentioned someone who was close to my grandmother wants to speak to me?

I believe it’s a woman? And she’s trying really hard to get in contact with me for some reason. ??

I don’t know what this is about? What does she want to say? What could she say?

I guess I won’t know unless I speak to her. But do I want to?

It could be healing? I don’t know? She is putting in a lot of effort because family members keep saying she wants to talk to me.

I know her name… like I said I believe it’s a woman? But my grandmothers side of the family is Lithuanian … and I am not familiar with the male and female names… it looks like a female name to me? The last name I don’t recognize as a family name but my grandmothers side had lots of secrets and people I didn’t know existed. The last name is definitely Lithuanian.

I googled the name, but didn’t find much.

It is a distraction from my focus at this moment, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not? I don’t trust, so I’m trying to figure out what I want to do with this.

I think I should let life direct it, I believe life is trying to teach me something… and I have been resisting.

Maybe this is life’s way of helping me let go?

And I can’t live life all guarded all the time – I don’t want to live my life like that.

So I think I will see what she wants?? I can’t imagine why she wants to speak to me so badly – enough to contact other family members to get a hold of me ???

I don’t know this person or ever heard their name before. They are Lithuanian though – that last name is definitely Lithuanian.

So ok… I think I will see what this person wants 🤨 … I’ll be open… just cautious.

I am curious… but I keep thinking “curiosity killed the cat” … but a cat has 9 lives right? Lol – I guess I’m going to find out 😳

Well I really have no control over things right now. So I’m just going to move forward and ignore what I can’t control, because that is tripping me up.

My lawyer tells me to do all these things, I do them, all of them… I do back flips to make sure I get everything done… but nothing is ever good enough and I’m exhausted – bottom line is she doesn’t help me, I have no protection, and just how it is. So ok… I move forward by myself and give myself protection.

I was a stay at home mom for 21 years, I supported my husband through everything, and raised our kids – I gave up my life to build a family. I just have a high school diploma. I was with him since I was 17.

It was abusive and when I had my first run in with breast cancer – he stood over me yelling at me. I had just had surgery and got sick, he was mad about that. At the very least, I thought he would be there through sickness. But he was not.

Right after that, a woman showed up at my door to tell me they had been having a 5 year affair.

I couldn’t take anymore, I had been loyal devoted and loving. It was my very first heavy hitting punch to the gut. Isn’t it funny, I could take the abuse as long as I believed he loved me – but when that had been severed … I could no longer take it.

I went to a government program to help abused women get out… they told me I would be protected and it was a 21 year marriage – it would be ok – the courts want to keep the family unit together as much as possible.

That was all a lie. But I trusted and believed in the court system, I had no experience with it and thought it was, at the very least, somewhat fair? I lined up a place to stay and took kids and left. I was never protected and courts never cared. They did not even care… he continues to throw mud and my lawyer tells me to be quiet – will look better on me – but I just get beaten up and he doesn’t follow anything the court says, but no one does anything about that.

… he takes revenge that I left … he has no mercy whatsoever. I have started from scratch, suffered through breast cancer, the loss of my dad, grandfather and grandmother – as well as losing my mother to Alzheimer’s. I have gotten through all of that in 3 years. I am now, hopefully, about to have 2 jobs…

I’m pretty proud of myself no matter what my lawyer says. I don’t trust or believe she will help me, nor do I trust and believe in the courts. It is severely broken. Am I am too exhausted to trust or believe anyone is going to help me but myself.

So… let me just ignore all of that. They aren’t going to help me at all. I’m on my own.

Now I just focus on myself… I have to ignore all that. I got out of the abuse, and I’m free. I’ve never been free before.

So here I am and I have a job interview for a 2nd job on Monday. I am excited about this new job… I think it is perfect for me…

I am still healing from the final breast cancer surgery, and kinda exhausted by all the trauma and loss… the losses I’m becoming desensitized to it. Letting go, it’s ok to take a minute and grieve – but you have to move forward – life does not stop because someone you love dies.

Anyway… this new job… they really like me … I wrote a introduction letter to them and within 10 minutes they contacted me… wanted my resume. I sent my resume immediately – and they called me within a minute or 2, to set up the interview on Monday.

I wanted a quiet job… just one where I don’t have to be “on” all the time. I want to help people get through the pain of loss – I had alot of loss and the pain is hard to process, but I know how to get through those initial moments now. I can help others through that.

And I know myself, I know I do better when I am helping others. I am not one to focus on myself. I hate that. I DO have to learn balance with that though – because you do need to take care of yourself. I have a hard time with that… but I think this job will also help me.

My job with the school and those kids – I love whole heartedly… they are amazing kids… I love all of them!! They have no idea how much they uplift my life… they bring me joy and laughter – which I survive on. They keep me young with their spirits.

This new job is a little bit opposite…

The new job is working for a funeral home. They need a secretary, to answer phones and people coming in.

I will be helping others through the loss of loved ones.

I have a lot of experience with that and think that not only can I help other people through that, it might help me process through things as well. I think it will be a good adventure. I am hopeful!

I can adjust to fit in to any situation … and I can keep my own emotions to myself. (Only here, do I let go)

However my personality is usually bubbly and friendly – I smile a lot … I am a happy demeanor type of person. I do bring light to many people, usually. Plus in person, I am kinda funny… I use comedy to keep my balance in life. I just hide my own stuff. It is true – you don’t know what others go through.

But I won’t be able to use that here. I do have a calm gentle way about me… even complete strangers feel at ease with me right away. I am compassionate, kind, empathetic, and comforting.

And I think this would also be a good job that I will love even if loss is involved. I believe it will teach me how to move forward and allow me to help others through such a horrific time.

Every time I go for a job, I end up with a job I love and fit perfectly in… I think I will fit perfectly here if they actually want me and like me.

It will allow me to just “be”. And I will be doing what I love most… helping other people through something.

So while it seems a bit morbid, I am excited… and of course it will continue to help me rebuild myself and my life.

I do really want this. So I’m going after it. ❤️🙏

I got a job interview. I already have a job at the school which I love sooo much… but my lawyer says isn’t good enough…

So I’ve been applying to other jobs… I got a job interview today that will happen on Monday at 11am.

It will be in addition to the job I already have – and I can still get my daughter to and from school and neither job will interfere with the other.

I was excited… really happy … I’ve been working really hard… I was thrilled!!!!

I told my lawyer about the job interview and her response was …

Well better than nothing.

No matter what I do, it’s never good enough.

I felt so excited to have an opportunity and in a second she made me panic and cry 😭

The first lawyer took off with my money, this one doesn’t fight for me or care no matter what I do.

If I say anything about fighting for me – she threatens to leave as my lawyer … and in court that would be bad. So I am quiet.

I struggle as it is… I could go for another lawyer but I can barely make it now… and I would need a retainer.

And she tells me if I go for another lawyer that’s going to look bad on me too.

I was so thrilled and excited – now I just feel let down, panicked and scared.

I don’t know how to do this 😭 I don’t understand the courts at all.

And then… all my friends are reaching out … I have a lot of police friends – they are reaching out now too…

If I don’t respond to them, I don’t want to worry or have them doing a welfare check or anything …

One of my police messaged me today right after the lawyer burst my happiness bubble…

He said … hey, Thinking of you, how are you?

So I just responded and said “surviving, how are you?”

Normally I am happy and bubbly… but he caught me in a moment when I was crying…

We chatted on text for a moment and I was pretty quiet … not really giving a lot of information…

And then he said … well I miss your face

I said back… I miss your face too! And he sent me a funny face photo that made me laugh for a minute

He can always make me laugh!! Always

And then he said … well just know that I miss you and I’m here for you.

That just made me burst into tears!! Thank god he couldn’t hear or see me.

I had to take a minute to respond cause I was crying too much… I just said … thank you for that, I miss you too 😘

Anyway… my kids are almost home and we have family night… I don’t want to look like I’ve been crying so I gotta clean up my face.

I am struggling! I am tired. I’ll get through it – but I’m exhausted and I try really hard.

I wanna reach out so bad – but I feel silenced ??

I do appreciate everyone asking if I am ok. My heart bleeds to have them again… I just feel silenced ??

Ok I have to clean my face ✌️

One thing I forgot to mention…

Maybe last year, my brother took a DNA test and we suddenly found close family members we had no idea even existed!!

Some have become a part of my life and we have clicked instantly…

Anyway… my grandmother died in June of 2019… it was hard and traumatic. I hate loss

Well last night I got a text from a close family member …

I have not responded yet because I don’t know what to think of it…

He said… I have someone who wants to talk to you and is closely related to your grandmother, are you willing to speak to them.

Whew!! Ok …

Let’s see what else I can fill my plate up with lol

Well, I don’t know how to respond – I am curious, but cautious and that is still a fresh wound… I miss my grandmother.

So I don’t know what to say to that right now?? Ugh 🤨 people!!! Stop coming at me!!! Lol

I try to sort my shit out in peace – I think life is trying to shake me to learn something?

I am resisting but it’s getting exhausting so maybe I should just… open Pandora’s box?

I need to change right? So I have to face fears. But the terror in that scares me.

That could be holding me back, so figuring out how I want to handle this – I’m going to have to brace for this one.

Fear holds me back for sure… because of the trauma … so ok suck it up… and face it.

I am open to trying – so I’m gonna try. 🤨…

I think to myself “ok do it!!” And then the other side of me is like “wait that could hurt and be bad – don’t do it”

Dammit!!

I won’t know unless I try and it can’t hurt to hear them out and see who they are? I don’t think can hurt right?

I haven’t had a lot of protection in different areas – so I am nervous with this.

But whatever. Life is going to keep shaking me until I learn whatever it is – it’s trying to get me to learn. Bleh!!!

I need a vacation from learning!!!

Well, I thought I was back… but life decided we needed another punch to the gut.

Right before we got out for Christmas break, my daughter had a band concert. We went and enjoyed socializing with all the kids and band parents.

Nothing unusual, a few kids felt under the weather – but it is winter and the flu is going around – again nothing abnormal … you would think.

So Christmas and New Years came and went. Right before school came back, one of my daughters friends from band died 😭… yes died!

Everyone is in a state of shock, and her brothers have not returned to school.

She evidentially caught the flu, she had started feeling better, and tried to power through it. Then suddenly by Thursday she took a turn for the worse, and died on Friday right before school came back. The flu had attacked her heart and killed her.

She was 13. 💔 had not even began to live her life yet!!

Things happen in the blink of an eye, doesn’t matter how old you are or who you are.

Everyone is absolutely devastated. For the family, she was their only girl, she has 2 other brothers who have to process this pain.

Tomorrow (Sunday) is the Celebration of Life. A celebration of life, is when you are deeply saddened by the loss but want to remember the good or funny things and how a person impacted others. You remember good times, and laughter. Remembering and celebrating her life.

I still find it devastating and this is my daughters first close death experience, which is hard to watch her go through and absorb. My daughter is also only 13.

And as a mother, it just puts it really close to home in many ways. She was my daughters age, and it was the flu that took her.

Why are things so much more deadly nowadays?

If I lost one of my children, there is no possible way I could ever recover from something like that. That would do me in for sure.

To watch another family go through, is completely heart wrenching. I can feel my heart bleeding from the inside for them.

So anyway, tmrw will be hard.

I am having hard time umm?? I’m just kind of quiet currently … while we process and get through things. I will be back after we can breathe again. Thank you for your patience.

I had an incredible holiday with all my kids ❤️ we had the best time! Was a wonderful holiday!!

I have this thing that emails me inspiring quotes every morning… today’s quote was…

“A truly rich man is one who’s children run into his arms when his hands are empty”

The author is unknown – but makes me feel very rich and very lucky. My children do that for me ❤️

They gave me really amazing and touching presents (which they didn’t have to do! I do not expect – I just love having them) … but they made me cry with how amazing they are – and they all hugged me and didn’t let go until I did. My children are just incredible ❤️

I got them things too, but I don’t have a lot so my presents were not the greatest. Some were sentimental and some were things they wanted – little things – I wish I could give them the world. But they loved them anyway! I really did have an amazing holiday!! ❤️

Now that I’m better, every year going to be more and more amazing now!!

And then on a bright note… it’s stopped raining and we have sun!! Yay!

So that means my landlord has fixed my original place…

I went to check it out yesterday cause we want to move back – we like that place better.

Well all the rains caused tiny ants to take refuge… I had already sprayed once before all the rains started – so they were already dead…

But my daughter took one look and said “nope” lol …

So yesterday afternoon- I took it apart and started respraying and literally cleaning every single thing. This is going to take me a few days…

They were all over my kitchen counters and some candles I had in the cabinet… we had taken most stuff with us temporarily so thank god for that. But I’m excited to get our place back once I get that situated and back to normal. Gotta love the country 🤨✌️ … I do actually – I love the peace here! So it’s a trade off.

But I am going sick with spraying and cleaning – no way that’s going to happen again! Ants are not welcome!! (Or spiders – thank god not spiders lol)

And I get to do spring cleaning now so whatever… just excited to get our home back!!

On Christmas we also discovered I have a headlight out 😑… so I googled and tried to see if I can fix myself (I am a total woman) I do not know cars whatsoever … but trying to learn so let’s see how this goes …

Well I could buy the bulb and try to install myself… but it’s the drivers side front headlight … and in my car, to change that light – I would have to remove the battery first to get to it…

Well that’s not the best idea cause I don’t have tools – and this is not my forté … I don’t believe that would go well…

So I’m going to call a place this morning and see how much for them to properly fix for me.

I hate car guys cause they see “me” walk in and I feel like they think “cha-ching” $$$ … is a woman who doesn’t know cars … which is why I TRY to learn … it just isn’t my thing… but it might have to be, so we will see. Life adventure right?

Also… that guy who asked me to dinner, I said “no thank you” and explained that I might not be ready…

And he said “Well you have to eat anyway, and it’s on me. Let’s just enjoy the company, no pressure, just relaxed ok?”

So alright – I guess I can handle that. He again asked what kind of food I wanted – so I said Mexican. He gave me 4 choices of different places …

Three out of the 4, were these extravagant high class dressy restaurants.

While that’s nice and everything, I just prefer more relaxed. And I don’t feel like he has to impress me – I don’t want anyone to try to impress me… I just want to be relaxed.

So I told him I wanted the fourth one because it seemed more relaxed and we would probably enjoy more.

Plus I don’t want him spending a ton of money. He just met me at that Christmas party … slllllooowww – go slow!! Lol

So ok… this is going to be my first time going out like this. He seems like he can handle being friends and going slow … I might have to remind him here and there ? But I can do that. He seems like a very nice man.

Oh yeah… and then one of my daughters friends dad’s asked if my daughter could go to an amusement park with them on Monday. It’s bring your friends day…

I said… well I don’t have money right now to give her for anything.

Then he said… that would not be an issue… and then says would you like to come too.

I was already asleep when he sent that – so I haven’t responded to that yet. He’s a single dad

Oh my god! Well anyway… I don’t think is a good idea for me to go… I would feel bad already if he pay for my daughter … and then ME TOO??

I kinda feel like recently everyone trying to throw money at me lol … it’s not that I feel is bad… I don’t think? But I’m very careful and kinda guarded … money is the root of all evil right? So just be careful.

I don’t want to use anyone for what they can do for me, and I don’t want for anyone to try to impress me with what they have… that does not impress me.

But for him to pay for my daughter is one thing… I still feel kind of weird about that… but it’s for her… she does deserve to be free in youth and enjoy things.

I don’t want to feel at mercy, obligated or that I owe.

I am trying to do things myself and heal with things. I don’t trust people or intentions.

So I’m not really sure what to think with this one. I think would be ok for my daughter to go… but for me … I think that would be too much. And I have a lot to situate and do… maybe I’m just overwhelmed ?? I don’t know.

I will have to discuss this with him.

But yeah, all in all, my year ends pretty good.

So anyway – I’m back yay!! I do love writing it out! So much comes at me, so it kinda helps me figure out.

Ok off to deal with this car issue. Let’s see how this goes. 🤨

Hope everyone had a good/safe holiday. ❤️✌️

Daughter is still sick… she kinda goes from sick to better… so her body is fighting it. But she’s doing better little by little…

I am preparing for Christmas – just finished the pies… waiting for my oldest son to get off work… he gets off at 6pm… I’m so excited!!

Then we will have Christmas Eve…

During Christmas Eve – we spend time together – talking, laughing, playing games etc…

Later, they get to open ONE present for Christmas Eve.

I like to tease them and tell them they have to go to bed early and I break out the Santa tracker to show them he is close and wants to do his job lol (I am old – I can’t be waiting up all night to deliver the presents under the tree… I do though because I love them – but these people are night owls lol)

Then on Christmas – I will be cooking for a big part of the day. It’s just us, cause I don’t have actual family near us. I still have my brother and sister but they are far away. So we will talk to everyone on the phone… say Merry Christmas and I love you.

After we fill up from the meal – we aren’t going to be able to move! Maybe a walk after the food settles a little bit. Then everyone will enjoy their presents and again we will relax together and enjoy being together for the holiday.

I made a cookie house to decorate when the boys come … not gingerbread – for some reason my people do not like gingerbread – so instead I went with a chocolate chip cookie house. Came out amazing! I have frostings to decorate and candies to embellish – I figured was a good way to involve everyone in a holiday activity on Christmas Eve ❤️

It’s going to be a nice peaceful quiet Christmas. Just happy to be together and spend happy time together.

Hoping daughter not too sick- hoping she feels better to enjoy also. That kinda sucks being sick on Christmas.

Anyway… I will probably be away for a few days? So I can just be with them. I want to soak up these moments with them as much as humanly possible.

Have a very Merry Christmas!

I’ll be back – after Christmas.

My daughter asked for a few things at the store… she’s sick. Fevers always spike at night – why is that?

I looked up what time they were open until “tonight” and it said midnight (they all have later hours for holidays)

Well I brilliantly figured … I would wait until after dinner to go to the store… I had a better chance it wouldn’t be crowded the later it is… so I went at 6:30/7pm… it was already dark 🤨

It was perfect… not bad… there was parking and it wasn’t packed. It was just right…

So I get all the stuff… and go up front…

They got ONE checker working the front… so line was really long …

I stood in it for a minute … but yeah I just wanna get out of the store…

Fricken fine… I’ll do the self checkout …which I hate!!!

Ugh …it takes me forever … and then an item I was buying didn’t scan and it says “oh you have to wait for an attendant – one moment and one will be with you shortly” 🤨 this always happens!!!

Sometimes I joke with my friends and say god likes to fuck with me… cause …umm …he does !!

Ok fine …whatever – so I’m waiting… some guy comes over introduces himself 😳 puts out his hand 😳 and starts totally talking to me…

Ummm?? 😳… he’s talking to me about the holidays and stuff , and asking me how I’m doing 😳 what am I up to for the holidays? Oh my god!

Oh my god! Hurry up where is that damn attendant!!! It’s been a moment? get your ass over here!! Lol kidding , kind of… I AM patient … it’s just I don’t want anyone hitting on me …Oh my god! I wanted out of there so fast!!! Nope!!!

5 hours later 🤨 (that’s an exaggeration… was like 10 minutes – but Oh my god! Took forever!!! The checker guy also discounted my bill for the wait 😮 – that part was awesome! I didn’t know they did that, but that’s good, cause I was getting hit on – it’s the compensation for that lol)

Anyway, the guy is trying his hardest to get me to kinda talk … He is trying to get a conversation going …

I’m am not saying much. Just being polite, but with a massive distance. All I can think is … please don’t ask for my number over and over

Ok … look – I will be polite but no. Not happening … and especially not stuck at the stupid “SELF” check out!!

I don’t say anything I’m just quiet – trying not to interact!!

I just wanted to come in, get my stuff and get out!!

Luckily I was saved at that moment by the attendant – and so my focus goes completely on the attendant to help me get out!!!

The attendant helps me… I get my shit – and I bolt! I’m out ✌️

Whew!!!

Ugh 🤨 … I’m not going at night again! That was NOT as brilliant as I thought it would be. Dammit

Anyway… and then I was thinking … I really don’t think I am ready for someone. I’m just not.

I’m just getting my footing back… my life … all of it. So yeah I’m not ready. I have panic and stuff like that … I need more time.

I know time is dangerous… don’t waste it – and ya know – I want to live life to the fullest… I don’t want to die, before I got a chance to live?

I don’t know how to actually explain that last sentence, but time … ya know… you never know when could be taken away from you.

I think about that… but then yeah… I’m not ready yet.

And then I also think … which is more important to me? Peace or love ?? Bleh – I don’t like that question!!!

Peace is also dangerous… I’m falling in love with peace so???

But love IS actually important to me… I just don’t think I am ready.

If I was ready, I would be confident in that decision. I am not.

I think I need to heal more first, for myself – I think that’s the healthiest decision at the moment.

I was thinking – if I say yes to dinner with the Christmas party guy…

Well… can I let my guard down for someone?

I feel terror with that… and then for myself… well I kinda want to be ?? Umm?? I’m just not ready for that at this moment …

I’m not ready to share things about my life with anyone…

I have a hard time speaking about the abuse from the marriage – even on here … it’s hard cause it brings up emotions …

I can publicly speak about my cancer, but I can only speak about the medical aspect of it.

I don’t speak about the emotional side of it because it’s too overwhelming – I instantly tear up – hense sobbing on the doctor every time lol … I don’t like the emotional side of it – I want to avoid that.

… and the loss of my family, one right after the other… ohhh god

The divorce …

All those things!!! Oh my god!

Yeah I’m not ready – I still need the peace. I’m not there yet.

I can’t imagine myself… you know… conversations are gonna come up about your family… I will tear up … if I don’t cry! I don’t wanna tell that story!!

… that would be awful!!

And then… if he asks about the ex… I’m not gonna wanna talk about it at all. How do I avoid that? … avoiding is NOT my strong suit evidentially 🤨😑

I don’t want to tell or talk about any of my stuff … I’m not ready

All that stuff really overwhelms me severely… I stayed strong through all of it …

But …you know how when there is some kind of emergency or something and you jump into action… you have adrenaline? BUT when it’s over you are exhausted and a little burnt out? Almost like you wanna just collapse ?

Yeah that’s me… I am collapsing into peace?

So… I’m not ready for anyone to come in my life, I am not ready to share my emotions and be so raw … I’m not ready.

I am happy right now in my temporary peace. Let me just take a breath for a little while, by myself.

Ok so there it is… definitely not ready.

It’s too much.

I’m not ready yet – I need to heal for myself first, before I can take anyone else on. So alright then.

Now I just have to tell him I can’t do dinner. I’m just going to tell him, I’m really not ready yet sorry. Not that I don’t want to, cause he seems like an amazing guy!!

I don’t wanna be like – “it’s not you, its me” that sounds horrible!!

But I just went through ALOT of stuff. So I need some time.

I also don’t want to get into stuff either 🤨 …

So… hmm 🤔… yeah I’m sorry I can’t do dinner just yet, I’m just getting my life situated and I’m not ready to start dating yet – ahhh that’s perfect! And true!

Ok I’m going with that.

I think this is best for “me”, just right now. I am not strong enough yet to take on any major thing, event or person.

I was strong enough to get through everything – and right now I’m collapsing for a second. So yeah let me build my energy back up… I am absorbing peace right now.

Hopefully I build energy back… cause I dunno… I am kinda falling in love already with peace ?? I gotta be careful with that. Too much of a good thing is never good either. Moderation. I haven’t found my balance on that yet. I just need the peace right now.

I feel better with this decision. Is just better when I’m ready and at ease. I am not there at this moment.

Ok well anyway…

Gnite ✌️