Ok so… I need to figure this out…

Alright… so… let’s talk currently… right now I have a lawyer who my ex is court ordered to pay… what he is doing is paying like $50 here and there to say he is paying – but obviously that is not enough for a lawyer. So she doesn’t protect me or want to do any work for free – and I can barely afford anything. I am scraping by. My lawyer threatens to leave my case if I ask her too many questions… and then she also bullies me if I don’t do everything she says – like if I don’t want to sign something because I feel it’s wrong – she again threatens to leave me.

She is basically just having me accept everything he wants which is to make sure I get nothing.

He makes $9000 plus commissions … I make minimum wage at both jobs. And that’s only after my breast cancer was done… I wasn’t even getting enough to survive through that – I was lucky I had my friends. I am very blessed with how many people care for me. I do not like to ask for help so this has been hard and I feel at mercy.

On a side note… he was an abusive alcoholic and put me through a lot and continues to every chance he gets …

In court, he tells the courts that I am a drug addict and alcoholic – which I have never been …I took a test for the courts at the beginning and passed… he was supposed to but didn’t and has never been held accountable… I was with the police for 4 years needed alcohol/drug testing for that… I am at the school with kids – same thing… and I literally just took another drug test to get this funeral home job – passed every single one – and I can pass any test given to me at any moment in time… instantly or not.

He tells the courts – was me who was abusive … I have never in my life been abusive to anyone, any animal or any thing. I volunteer my time constantly and can easily provide character witness at a moments notice

All through my losses and breast cancer – he came at me hard through the courts – I was homeless while battling ALL of it… I stayed strong. You couldn’t do that on drugs or alcohol I’m sure?? I remained strong- fought for my life in every aspect.

I still do.

My current lawyer does not care – she isn’t paid – I am unable to pay her – he finds away around everything… so he pays as little as possible to say he pays… I was a stay at home mom and right now I am trying to get on my feet – I am not asking him to provide for me – I helped him pay off student loans he had and further his career – raised the kids and gave up my life … stood behind all his hopes and dreams – and even held his hand through his hard times.

However that’s on me… I stayed hoping we would build a life and it would get better. That’s my fault. And here I stand

While all this has gone on and I have struggled with everything – he has taken the kids to Disney, bought himself a new car, lavished the kids with anything they want …

I don’t really understand how the courts don’t care … welcome to California

Anyway – like I said – my fault … I am catholic – I believed in marriage and stayed loyal to someone who didn’t deserve it. Ok

So let me absorb that. Was my fault for staying so long. 21 years…

He has a history of mental illness and abuse – but they won’t let that into the courts because it’s personal medical records.

Ok… so… next up… so I did like this lawyer – he is blunt and honest … actually cares and was actually the first lawyer I have met that is somewhat human.

He went to Harvard Law school … I am from the east coast – so I like that and I like his style.

He gave my choices and then told me what he would do in my position…

My choices …

1.) self represent – although with a slimy lawyer and him playing dirty – not the best option

2.) stay with current lawyer – sometimes staying with what you know – better than the unknown – but I at least have a lawyer “better than nothing”

3.) shop around different lawyers and find a new one (which is going to cost me money I do not have)

4.) go with him…

He said if was him – he would not stay with a lawyer he did not trust or believe in.

While I agree completely – I can’t afford a lawyer and for my ex to be court ordered to pay- that’s not in his best interest so he will make sure I don’t have that security … he doesn’t want to lose or have to do anything for me…

So… he said he would take my case if I go back to him… but he wants $4000 upfront and charges $400/hour.

I don’t have that and can’t afford that… I can barely stay afloat and just scrape by… I don’t have my parents or anyone who can help…

So I’m kinda feeling cornered.

We are coming up on the trial. He plays dirty and I am terrified of losing my daughter. I am still terrified of him.

I kinda cried a little bit when he said how much he charged – the lawyer gave me a whole box of tissues to take with me.

I need to learn how to not cry even when I feel my heart bleed or feel sensitive.

I am strong – but I am also soft

How do I get rid of the soft? I have always loved my soft – but I am not allowed to have it here – I need to be mega strong to go to court – I can NOT show ANY emotions whatsoever in court

So I don’t know how to do that yet… I am a strong woman yes… I do believe in myself

But all this really terrifies me – so I’m not sure how to handle or what to do.

I am letting go sort of – I do still worry and am still afraid he will take my daughter somehow 😭 … I don’t trust him, his lawyer, the courts or my current lawyer and I would be a fool to try to do myself – he plays too dirty … I am not a dirty player

So I’m not sure how to think – my head is kinda throbbing from crying.

This is my last thing I need to make it through to the other side with… then I can move past it

I fear this greatly.

So… I’m trying to think of ways to come up with money – but I really don’t have any options there. I might just have to accept as is and move forward

I am alive – so I am thankful for that… I am strong – I went through a lot… I am resilient – I am still trying very hard… and I am a good person – so I do believe it will get better someday.

I try not to panic or cry – I want to learn how not to do that. How do I be a stone with emotions so heavy? How do I let go and be safe ? I can’t tell you I am not scared because I am.

Obviously this is another lesson I have to go through. I’m just tired.

So … I guess that’s it. Like I said above – my head is throbbing from crying right now. Feeling little bit stuck – want to move past this so trying to think.

I’m not sure how to proceed here – this is the one thing that I am stuck with… so I’m not sure yet.

So I just need to think. But right now I need to close my eyes – my head hurts too much.

Gnite

Just left lawyers … I have some stuff to think over. I will be back cause I’m gonna need to write this out, to figure out how I want to proceed.

My mind is going a million miles a minute

I’ll be back

So tomorrow – I meet with lawyer to see if he is willing to take my case over.

I am nervous. All that stuff is emotionally draining but whatever – facing that shit… my last ditch effort for any help… so just have to hope for the best.

If he takes my case, I will have renewed hope… if he doesn’t I move forward as is… I have been through a lot, I believe in myself – and most of all – I am strong so whatever … but I do hope he helps me… I am a little scared to have hope on this?? It’s just a lot, very emotional and draining

I really don’t want to panic or stress myself out before bed so completely switching subjects…

I have a girlfriend who is very spiritual with things… I don’t always believe the same as she does … but whatever – sometimes it’s interesting or entertaining

I only mention that because this would be right up her alley… I haven’t said anything cause she would be all over it! And I’m not sure what I think about it yet.. could just be coincidence …

But recently – in the past 2 weeks I keep seeing 1111… constantly!!!! Either with time, or license plates, addresses, paperwork, etc … I don’t usually pay attention to that stuff… but it’s in my face literally constantly for the past 2 weeks – very abnormally!!! Is hard not to notice it…

At first I just ignored cause whatever – just a coincidence … the more I try to ignore, the more 1111 comes 🤨

Ok fine, it has my attention now… I googled instead of asking girlfriend cause she would go nuts with that…

When I googled … it said…

Could be a sign of enlightenment/encouragement/ being on the right path

Or depending on what you believe … an angel or guardian angel is with you (I like these two answers)

You are supposed to make a wish (I would be getting a million wishes with how often it’s appearing!!) I’d be wishing all day lol

And google even said – my twin flame could be near 🤨 – I’m just gonna ignore that one 🤨 fricken google

And then while googling, I clicked on how to know an angel is with you… and it listed like 10 signs … one of which was 1111… but I’ve had other signs it listed, literally just the past couple days … I’ve been having that ringing sound in my ears – you know the one that people used to say happens when someone is talking about you? Just that sorta thing… and then Sunday when I worked all alone at the funeral home… I was cleaning – and there was something on the floor… I thought was just a wrapper or trash, whatever … I went to pick it up… and it was a feather ?? Which just was odd to me – but whatever is a funeral home so I dunno? But it said that was a sign too. 🤨

I really should not be googling these things 🤨😄

But I dunno … that 1111 is constant for past 2 weeks which is the only reason I even bring it up…

So anyway – who knows – I just hope for good. So we’ll see.

Gnite ✌️

Today was my second day… and I was all by myself.

I have a check list to do as I walk in the door. Was fine being alone… I turned on all the lights – hung the wreaths, put out the mat, opened the blinds… and then that music again lol… it’s so soft and peaceful – very heavenly music… ALL THE TIME… for some reason even when no one there – we just have to have it on… by the end of the day – I was like uhhhh ok enough with the music lol

I love peace and stuff – just by the end of the day, I was done with that music… was a 9 hour day!

Most of the morning, I straightened up the “service room”… I vacuumed dusted … just looked for things to do. The place is immaculate at this moment lol – wait til they see tmrw… it smells all nice etc

Then about mid day… the phone rang 😳 … eh ok … so I answer … hello, Such and such funeral home, this is (my name) – how can I help you?

Well it was a hospice nurse… calling in a death 😳… ok my first one… so I have a sheet of information I need to get from her – so I went down the list… got all the info…

When I asked for date of birth – I just wasn’t thinking anything major when I asked – but this person was born in 1914 😮… making them 105!!

What a life!!! Imagine what they have seen!!! How incredible!

Well anyway… the nurse had not been able to get a hold of the family yet… but a woman at my other funeral home (we operate out of 2 different ones) she helped me enter the info so we could get the body picked up.

That was the big thing of the day – my very second day… and first day all by myself!! Handled it like an ace!! ❤️

After all that I was starving, I was running late this morning so I didn’t make a lunch… instead I ordered from “door dash” … you can get any food you want from any place and they will deliver (I was only one there so I am not allowed to leave until end of my day)

So I have a favorite “sub sandwich place … so I decided to get that. Nothing to expensive or crazy. Just lunch.

Well anyway… when ordering I forgot to say was a funeral home 😄😄😄 … all I put under instructions was “ring bell” lol

So the app is texting me telling me he is almost there… well ok I will watch for him…

I see a black car drive by slow and go by 😄… then he turned around and slowly pulled in up to the front…

So I opened the door… and it was just funny – I am all dressed up really fancy … I had a black blouse, with this really beautiful peach satin pencil skirt with black velvet roses on it – very funeral home looking lol – my hair was all done up and curled …

So I don’t know if his reaction was the way it was because I looked nice or because it was a funeral home lol

But he was really attentive … and made sure I was happy before he left … and so I asked him… “I tipped on the app but do I need to tip you here in person?” And he was like “no no it’s all good, I just want you to enjoy your lunch. I hope you have a really good day!

He was really sweet – I think he was a little taken back by the funeral home? Maybe a little ??? Not everyday does someone deliver to a quiet funeral home – and you just expect Lurch from the Addams Family to answer the door lol

It was funny! He was very nice … that was my first time ordering food like that.

The rest of the day was very peaceful and very quiet… I finished up a couple things and then was time to go.

I’m really tired – I did a lot of work today. And learned a lot…

I am really loving this job… it’s funny every single job I get – I just love… I was worried

Although is only day 2 so let’s not get too ahead of ourselves … but I can’t wait for next week!!

Oh yeah and then on my way home – I had to stop at store and get a few things … well I look like I am coming from a funeral lol

Which is a little funny because people are very empathetic… everyone was being really nice and kind of looking at my clothes … so I think they assumed I must have lost someone … no one asked … but the looks and all the kindness… I think so??? Cause would you guess that person dressed like that actually works at a funeral home? Lol

I dunno ??? But was funny

I had a great day ❤️ I love this job!! Then tmrw I be with all my kids at school… what a wonderful life ❤️ I love my jobs!!!

Well I am so exhausted I am going to be an old person tonight and go to bed at 8pm 🤨😄 … I cringe to go to bed THAT early but whatever – I’m exhausted

Gnite ✌️

I had an amazing first day!!! I think this is going to be a really good fit!!

So I got there early … I’m always early everywhere… then my coworker came and she was really nice…

There was a lot to take in… I have a key to unlock the funeral home – and there is an alarm I have to disable when walking in…

Then I have to turn on all the lights and open the blinds. I have to turn on a stereo system that just plays soothing peaceful funeral home music? Is just really peaceful generic music.

When walking in… we go through the back part – where there may be caskets and where they keep any ashes to be picked up… none of the bodies are prepared at the location so it’s not creepy… and first thing this morning there were no caskets.

During the morning I just filled out some paperwork, and then we went over things, and showed me around, since I will be doing by myself tmrw. We placed beautiful wreaths on the front door. It’s a very calm soothing atmosphere

We did have one funeral today but was NOT at our location… was grave site – so at the cemetery.

But we did have to accept the casket and body… I was a little unsure how that was going to be ? But wasn’t bad… the casket came … and we brought inside the back area with 2 people who brought it… and closed the door… we had to open the casket with gloves on and verify the toe tag before they could leave.

It was kinda weird and creepy for maybe a quick second when they first opened the casket – because I just didn’t know what to expect… but is a job… it’s life… and that’s someone’s loved one so – wasn’t as bad as I thought. It did not hit me emotionally or seem as bad as you would think that would be?

So we accepted the casket and body … and then we covered her nicely with a sheet Incase family wanted to view open casket. She just looked like she was peacefully sleeping. She was not embalmed so there is a time limit on how long you have for burial. (Something like 24 hours?) there was a lot to take in so I don’t remember exactly – is about 24 to 48 hours.

I helped load the casket into the hearse before they left for the cemetery

It is extra money to do burials on weekends… the family picked the cheapest casket, was beautiful though … then they said was just going to be a quick burial just immediate family… in which case we just hand casket and body over to family but when my coworker and funeral attendant got to the cemetery there were over 80 people there … it became a service – that is extra. And then because of that, by law, our people have to stay and watch casket being lowered. I did not see any of that, I stayed at our funeral home location.

Was interesting to see the inside workings of all this. Is very much orchestrated

My funeral home really does do an amazing job and I am impressed with the care and empathy all the coworkers have – we are all women. They are pretty amazing

We also had someone come in to pick up their wife’s ashes… that was pretty simple.

The funeral home today… was pretty peaceful… not crazy – but I was told when they have several back to back funerals can be very crazy and very stressful, everything must be totally perfect. And of course the families just lost a loved one so you just don’t know how they react or what stage of grief are in – so I have not experienced any of that yet so we see … but so far I do really love it.

Tmrw I work alone – should be very calm and peaceful. I have a list of things to do and is just quiet … we keep the front door locked – you must ring bell… and then the phones today were pretty quiet, she said tmrw probably be even more quiet – Sunday’s are very quiet days

Funerals are expensive! I do get discount because I am now employee … immediate family such as a spouse or child or myself… would be 75% off

And then is 50% for parents and grandparents (mine are gone expect my mother – so if she passes and I am still doing this – I can pick any funeral home within network – which is all over United States) and that funeral home would take care of everything.

Then for aunts or uncles etc … is 25%

Hope I never have to use – but good to have.

This is going to be quite healing for myself and then quite a learning experience!!

I fit in right away with staff today as if I had been there forever. I felt very comfortable

So let’s see how tmrw goes. First day was pretty good! I was a little worried because I have never had any experience in this field… but the others were just like that too when they started. I really like the staff!

I like this so far! Can’t wait for tmrw – I’m not even nervous!! Which is odd … is all new to me, and I’m about to handle all by myself … but I am not nervous at all… I think that’s a really good sign!! So let’s see how goes

Gnite ✌️

So the Facebook social media thing … ugh

I have a Facebook – and I used to post funny stories about raising my kids and photos of them, or things we did… a lot of stories and pictures

Before I went silent – I was posting about my breast cancer …I wanted to have people hear the remotions and thing you go through – could help someone else … I had my final surgery and boom just went silent – I needed to… even now, Facebook will text me about those memories – and I can’t handle the cancer memories – and people don’t know what I go through otherwise

I can’t bring myself to go back yet and too many people trying to message me or friend request.

I am still trying to heal – I am not there yet – I lost my father, my mother has Alzheimer’s … I lost my grandfather and my grandmother … I had cancer and was in an abusive marriage I couldn’t take anymore – so now I go through an abusive and scary divorce

I just need that peace for a moment while I process and get through things.

Well just now one of the current people in my daily life who I hold in high regards just friend requested me … I will have to explain that I am healing and do not open that.

Bleh!

I know… I’m trying to speak little by little and this blog helps – but I am just a private person in general.

The peace helps me heal… and get stronger … in 3 years I went through all I mentioned – so I just need a minute. I am not ready

I can’t – I can’t do social media at this moment – I am not ready

Life is trying to force me to speak! I am – I am trying … but there are things I am not ready for.

But I’m going to have to tell her I don’t go on and haven’t in a long time.

I only do this blog, which I do to help myself sort things out… I can think better writing it out and I wanna look back someday and read the things I thought while I was healing…

I’m still in peace mode. Just my worlds are slowly colliding.

This woman is one who always checks on me and makes sure I am ok. She is very sweet and kind.

So I think I am going to have to tell her – I am silent since my surgery. It just feels heavy to me… I’m not ready

I do get mad at myself to say “I’m not ready” … I am not ready for a man – I’m not ready for social media – there are certain things I am just not ready for yet. Still too much.

I have had so much peace – I love the peace … I want the peace

So I dunno?

I once had someone tell me… be careful of the peace – the peace can be dangerous … I heard them… and I suppose they are right??…

Cause I can’t draw myself away from having the peace – I still have things I am fighting through so I feel like I need that peace to get through it. Then I will come back?

But then I also think – won’t there always be something to get through? So then yes – peace can be dangerous – I want peace badly… so I dunno?

I just starting to speak… and it just hard. I keep saying I’m not ready – I know I’m not… I am trying to heal from so much… I just need some time – I like the peace a lot!!

Ok anyway I have to get to bed

Gnite ✌️

Ok so good and bad tonight… let start with the good, cause I like good ❤️ …

So I am house sitting … remember the box? It made me smile – I was worried because I didn’t know if he knew me well enough to be giving me anything… and I still hold a distance because I don’t want anything? I don’t want to lead anyone on or anything like that. He is a friend and that’s the end of it. Period.

So I don’t want to look into things but I do want to make sure he is aware I am not ready, and I don’t want anything. I think he is, so shouldn’t be a problem… I think he was truly just trying to make me smile as a friend – I just want to make sure.

But anyway… we got here and his alarm system texts him when anyone puts in the alarm code… so he texts me after 5 minutes (lol) and says “did you get your box?”

I said “no hold on, we just tending to dogs – let me text you back in a minute” so we handled the dogs … then I went to the night stand that had the box in it…

When I saw the envelope wrapped about a box I took that out and opened the box (I already knew envelope had money for helping him)

I was a little impressed … he does know me or just got lucky? Lol …

I am really big into perfumes and lotions – I am a huge smell person… I like to smell incredible always… smells for me are memories … memories of people or places … so I like to leave a memory behind.

He got me a $75 perfume from Victoria’s Secret which I love

Nice one!! I was impressed – I don’t really tell people that memory thing, so he figured it out, or like I said got lucky lol … it made me smile – was a nice little surprise ❤️

Still careful and still guarded – still not ready … but that was nice – very nice. So I texted him thank you … I love it. Is perfect.

So yeah that is my good…

My bad 🤨… ugh I don’t even know if I want to get into it. 😑

I had to give tough love to a family member who I care for and worry about dearly!!

So that’s really hard … but I had to… it’s just a bad situation and I have a lot of heavy myself … I have always been there – but I just can’t at this moment. My heart just bleeds not to help… and for someone I love so dearly and I worry. Tremendously!!

We all have lessons to learn in life. I’m sorry – it breaks my heart and ya know so many have been there for me… so I want to give back and I always do… I feel guilty for not helping but I don’t have the means and I have helped for over 30 years… and it wasn’t created by me.

Also at some point in life you have to take responsibility no matter what… so it just kills me inside to do tough love – I don’t like that and I feel guilt (I’m Catholic 🙄) and I worry…

It’s just hard because I have so much love for this person… more than you can ever imagine – I am like a 2nd mother to them… so I feel obligated …

But at the same time – I struggle also, and I work my ass off – and I am trying to better my life …

When I had cancer they never reached out to make sure I was ok… only when they needed something …

So I dunno – I just feel bad – I had to turn my back – not because I want to… it really kills me inside…

But because I can’t help them – I don’t have the means – and they don’t try to get better ever. I always hope – but it never happens.

And then I always think – people helped me go through things – I need to be there.

But in this case – they take for granted. I feel sad and want to be there want to help… but if I do – they never learn for themselves and I can’t support anyone else right now… I am trying to keep my head above water as well… so ya know?

They have had chance after chance – and both me and my brother have tried to help them and pulled major strings for them, and they cut them and burned every bridge …

My brother told me about 2 weeks ago he has blocked this person. Oh boy so I knew was going to come at me – was just a matter of time…

Today they tried to contact me on Facebook messenger … on both Facebook and Facebook messenger I personally have fallen off the face of the earth…

That was the only social media I had … after my last surgery I went dead silent. That was for me… it was too much. I had already been through a lot …

I wanted my own peace – I needed it … so I went completely silent everywhere. As if I just vanished … I didn’t respond to Facebook or messenger or text messages or phone calls …

The only people I responded to were family and my police.

So people are concerned – I am not ready to tell my story. I still need my peace, I am still fighting things.

So I have no means to help this person I love … and I am not willing to go back on Facebook or messenger …

As a matter of fact… do you remember me telling you about people trying to reach me ? They knew my grandmother?

Ok well – I still haven’t dealt with that … they are contacting anyone they can… they contacted my brother and my brother had no idea what’s going on until I mentioned it to him… he said someone contacted him trying to reach me for some reason 🤨

And then I do still have Facebook and messenger on my phone… so it does tell me when people post about me or try to reach me or message me…

My grandmother was Lithuanian… so suddenly I have a lot of Lithuanian sounding names friend requesting me

I am silent … I don’t open it… I’m not ready – let me just heal for a minute – when I get through everything then I will… but not right now. I just can’t

But anyway… I have to make sure I am ok before I can help hold someone up… I can’t hold this person up anymore and I have no strings to pull for them or things to give them, that breaks my heart!! Soooo much!

I help everyone so to turn my back for someone I love and to make sure “I” myself is ok is hard. 💔

But again – we all learn lessons. They SUCK – and I am sick of lessons!! But I can’t help them like I did before. They need to stand themselves

Tough love is really hard!!! And wouldn’t do if I was able to help but I can’t help them ya this moment

I don’t think they understand? So I just feel bad – really bad

And then one last thing for tonight…

While I did fall off the face of the earth for my own peace… My people make sure I am ok always whether I respond or not…

And then I have those who are actively in my life … as in daily… they are always making sure I am ok – asking if I need anything

I don’t ask for help – rarely … if at all… I don’t like that… is my problems – so I will fix them … I am always a good person and I do believe in karma – I do believe good will win… and if it doesn’t – that’s my lesson. But regardless I like being who I am. I like helping others … the reason I have so many there who care about me is because I was once there for them, I once took care of them somehow… I will do anything I can to help others no matter who they are …

Now that I am silent – they want to be there for me… I am just careful and ya know I want to do for myself … I love them for that though… and they make me feel very loved.

Someone in my life just messaged me because I have been busy … really busy… I haven’t seen or talked to anyone and I have the new job tmrw – first day.

They just texted and wanted to make sure I was doing ok, and how was house sitting going? And then also wished me luck for tmrw.

So I just think about how many people love me and how much I mean to them, how they are there … and it does help me rise from all these ashes (no pun intended)

I am touched ❤️

I tried to teach this person I love dearly how to handle things and what to do… but they they can’t or don’t want to? So I dunno? I feel bad…

It’s not my life and it’s what they themselves created. Right now I have to make sure I am ok and I shouldn’t feel guilty for that – but I do ☹️

So whatever … I have done for myself and still fixing myself… but I will help anyone through anything I can and am able to… but I can’t live their lives for them and fix their things … they have to want that too.

So anyway… perfume good… impressed – just cautious. Nice one – nailed it! Made me smile! And love it!!! ❤️

People checking on me – I love you … thank you… you lift me up even if I am silent ❤️ I am healing – please understand … I am not strong yet to totally come back… and those in my life who always make sure I am ok – I love you too… thank you for that. Thank you for coming into my life ❤️ things happen for a reason

And for tough love – that sucks – I don’t like that!!! Bleh!!! I want to protect you and love you – please understand I can’t help you right now. But I’m always here ❤️ I love you

None of my people will ever see my posts here – so I can freely speak how I feel… I tell them all how much they mean to me always – and how much I love them… not a day goes by I don’t freely speak how much they mean to me and why … the Facebook ones know me well… which is why they are concerned with my silence … I am just healing that’s all but I am ok for the most part … the one that has the tough love – she knows me – she knows I love her and would do anything for her – I have. (She is my sister) ☹️

So quite a mix of good and bad … I suppose that’s life right? 🤨

Well anyway… I’ll try to update tmrw after work? I’m kinda excited!

Gnite ❤️ thanks for reading

Well the lawyer rescheduled with me today. He has to be in court tmrw for another case… so we rescheduled for Tuesday… which actually works better for me too… I can go right after working at the school, and I already have all my files together but gives me more time to organize.

Tmrw after school we are going to my friends house for house sitting…

Friday should be just a chill day… I have it off. So just drop off my daughter at her school – then I do have to run into the major city and run an errand since the lawyer cancelled, but that be easy.

Then I get to have family time with my kids ❤️

And Saturday and Sunday I work the funeral home. So excited about that. Can’t wait!

Tmrw I work at the school and is elementary/middle day… that’s always fun!! They always make me laugh and smile.

Today was high school… I told my high schoolers about the funeral home job and they were like 🤨😳… well that’s a weird depressing job lol …

I said …eh, someone’s gotta do it… and anyway, I can help people with the pain of loss so be fine…

Then they said… well that’s creepy, you gonna be seeing caskets and stuff – won’t you think about when you are going to need that? You had cancer 😮

What?!? 😳😮 that did not even cross my mind whatsoever until they said that lol

Fricken kids lol (kidding) but that didn’t cross my mind at all, until now 🤨 I better not be thinking about that this weekend lol … I was only thinking about other people not myself lol

Oh well whatever 🤨😄 fricken kids lol

Well anyway – I am off to bed.

Gnite ✌️

So my week going to be really crazy busy – but also really good mostly.

Thursday my daughter and I go to house sit… I will get to see what’s in the box… the person I am house sitting for placed a box in his night stand that he says has something “for me” in it… I am curious. So Thursday my mystery will be solved on that part!!

Then Friday … a new lawyer is interested in taking my divorce case … I was referred by someone influential … so I am nervous with this too…

I am scared of the courts no matter how much I try not to be… been very traumatized by them… and on top of that… the marriage was abusive and when I first left – he sent massive amounts of horrible harassing text messages that are all in the file 😢💔… they are REALLY bad and mortifies me is even in the court record. He calls me all kinds of names and attacks me in messages 💔 they are harassing and also has personal photos… I did NOT respond to any of the messages (I stayed quiet) and there are over 300 of these messages… this lawyer will have to see all that… I have to bring all my files.

And I have to NOT cry… I have to tell him events – but I have to NOT cry… not really sure how I can do that… to even speak of any of that is very emotional to me so I avoid that… that way I don’t cry… here I will have to face it… show that file, tell story … so I need to keep composure 😳 … I want to hope I can… and I’m tired … but I don’t know if I actually can?? Maybe? And I’m not sure how much I believe anyone could help me… I really don’t believe in that at this point… and I’m not sure this lawyer will even want this case? This will be my 3rd lawyer 😢

First took money and ran, second one (current) I am at her mercy… she bullies me and threatens me constantly

My influential person has now stepped in … and this lawyer is seeing me because of them… but I don’t have a lot of hope or trust in anything to do with court system, or lawyers. But I will keep an open mind and see what happens – I just don’t expect much. But I’ll give it a go and see what happens – I just don’t want to cry or feel that stuff – it’s hard and I’m trying to move forward.

So whatever – that’s on Friday… then Friday night family night… so that will help after all those emotions and things

Saturday I am working at the funeral home… they are teaching me all the ropes…

And Sunday I am also working the funeral home – but ALL BY MYSELF 😳 that should be fun… I will not watch any horror movies before Sunday!!! Lol (not that I ever watch ANY, but definitely NONE before Sunday!) … and no ghost stories or paranormal tv shows – do not want to freak myself out and then go be all alone at a funeral home lol … I’m excited though- this should be fun!!

Today I saw and watched a documentary on Salem, Massachusetts 🤨 Lol – was about supposed hauntings from 1692 witch trials – I will not be watching anything like that before Sunday – documentary or not. I did not know I would be alone on Sunday until after I watched that lol

Ok so … Thursday’s the surprise box… Friday is the lawyer… Saturday is learning the ropes… and Sunday is all by myself 😳 lol …

A lot is happening 😮 … really fast … so alright, curious and excited how all is going to go.

Hopefully all goes ok. It should…

I have a surprise box of something so that’s good thing… I’m curious… and lawyer going to see me – so that’s a good thing too- can’t be any worse that currently is…

Then excited about Saturday… and Sunday … so I really do not see any bad things except going over everything in file with lawyer – but that’s only within my own self … so I can do it. He’s willing to see if he can help me or wants to take case … so that’s good – I have a small chance? All other stuff seems to be on a good forward track!!

Hopefully! 🙏 … life been going pretty good lately… busy but pretty good ❤️

If I can finish out my week really strong I will be so thrilled ❤️

Gnite ✌️