So… I have the worst lawyer ever – but there is nothing I can do about that.

Today while I am at work she is messaging me… I told her I want her in court for my trial. That is not fair that he has legal representation and I do not… suddenly she says ok we’ll get me all your information I have to prepare for this trial and you will have to start paying me. (Even through he is court ordered)

I am afraid to speak up to her because she gets angry and doesn’t listen to me – hasn’t – he is court ordered to pay and does but not enough to cover her fees – so she doesn’t care – and I get wanting to be paid.

He makes about $150,000 – I make minimum wage – he has college – I do not – this was a 21 year marriage – I raised the kids and took care of him, then and the house … he was abusive and an alcoholic and cheated …

This is a case of domestic violence but I never had him arrested … every time he hit me I was in shock and embarrassed… and then we had kids – I didn’t work… he couldn’t lose his job by going to jail and I couldn’t tell anyone or have any friends … until I started to try to get out.

He has been using the courts to do abusive litigation … he files motion after motion for me to prove everything and I do – and I listen and do everything my lawyer says and she does nothing to protect me. Including while I was going through cancer!!!!! While I was fighting for my life and had those emotions – I was still being beat down!!!

And there was no mercy when I lost my father or my grandparents or losing my own mother to Alzheimer’s… there has been no mercy through any of it … I am the mother of this mans children … how could I have not seen the evil? This is why I protect myself from everyone now 😭💔

So I think … well I’m gonna have to speak so I can get letters from everyone who knows me saying what kinda person I am and who I am. What they know of me. Crap… I’m not ready to come out to people yet 😭 … I’m not ready to explain all these horrors and how sad I am and how much I suffer and what goes on… I’m not ready to say that… I wanted to be strong and standing up before I tell my story.

Looks like life is gonna force my hand on this.

Cause I will need those letters to prove who I am and how I am.

I had to tell my coworkers at the school today and ask them for letters … and I had to tell them I had just had surgery when I got that job – none of them knew that… I was also homeless

Now I have to go to all my friends, my family, my former bosses, and my police 😭 they will give me the letters – I don’t doubt that – I have a lot of support … but it’s gonna make all those emotions come and I’m gonna cry… I hate crying… and I’m private!!! I want my privacy – I feel like that has to be taken away 😭😭😭 I have no choice

Today I spoke with a lawyer I spoke to many year ago before all this happened… I am getting a copy of the notes. I have to pay for them but I need them to prove – I had been trying to get out for years… but they called me back and said they no longer had those notes because was just a consult, I was not a client (I couldn’t afford them) So I no longer have that now

And then I have to go through all my court papers and summarize everything – quickly and easily … show the courts the abuse hopefully. It’s all right there even within the courts.

So I am about to have the hardest moments of my life … I do believe I suffer ptsd from all of this…

I have gotten myself a job right after surgery… I just got another job and I think I’m gonna have to look for a 3rd.

I really don’t understand courts 😭😭😭 I hate California – you have no protection here after 21 years – was just a waste of my time and my life … I have my kids … but I have to share them with this man who terrifies me.

I am very upset today 😭 dammit … I just want this to be over

I am not looking to be taken care of or abuse anything … I just need a minute to stand on my own and I will … but I need to be able to. I am exhausted and feel unprotected

I don’t know what else to do. So I’ll just put some stuff together – hope for the best but expect the worst.

I’m getting to the point where I no longer care 😭

Anyway – just venting – am upset

Today was a pretty easy day at school… elementary/middle – nothing crazy went on.

I subbed for the secretary today – she was out sick… I get paid better when I sub. It’s just rare.

One woman who subs occasionally for the principal came in … she was walking really slow… hadn’t seen her in awhile (principal has a couple subs if needed)

So anyway… this woman is like 5-7 years younger than me… I am not old (I always say I am cause to me ..I am – I am always the oldest now everywhere!!) I am 47.

So she begins this story… she had gone to the coast with her husband and 2 daughters… 17 & 12… the 17 yr old wants to be a nurse and is taking some nursing courses already at the local college…

Well her husband went to take a shower … and this woman went into cardiac arrest… her 17 year old daughter performed CPR on her for 7 minutes – the paramedics had come and they had to use the paddles 3 times on her… her 17 year old daughter literally saved her mother’s life!!!

She was telling us that even the seasoned nurses at the hospital were in shock because while they had done that thousands of times, they had never had to do on their own mother!! Even I am just in awe of this 17 year old!! And she said she was calm the whole time and just did what she had to do to save her mom.

Crazy story!! But even crazier this was the second time it happened!!

I asked if ran in her family – she said no… just me…

So I asked what caused it?

She said is an electrical issue

She has a defibrillator now implanted in her chest 😮

Oh that is so scary!! I guess it’s an irregular heartbeat issue – but how terrifying.

So now they may take her drivers license away… she thinks they will for at least 3 months… and then she may have to stop working.

So that was a little shocking and that must be terrifying for her – she’s still so young!!

Then on another subject, I try not to watch the news at all 🤨… but I am also trying to learn about stocks 🤨… see where this is going?

I am just curious so started learning stocks – I’ve just been reading, figuring out and learning – I just wanna know. Been trying to learn the details. I read articles and am figuring it out little bit. Not enough to feel comfortable but just learning.

Anyway 🤨… and then along comes this horrid crash with all the stock markets because of this virus 🤨 yes I was aware of it already … how do you NOT be?? But I wasn’t really following until this week when the markets everywhere just plunged 🤨

Then all that news has seeped into all my articles massively 🤨

I read things like this from the California Department of Public Health…

https://www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CID/DCDC/Pages/Immunization/nCOV2019.aspx

So I’m not sure how much to fear this yet. But the way the world is reacting kinda makes me a little nervous.

And then this from the CDC (Center for Disease Control)

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/index.html

There is a map on there on all the places that have confirmed cases 😮 omg 😱

I suppose it’s good to know what’s going on with this… but then I also don’t want to fear things. I am trying not to fear things!

So it’s kinda out of my hands – what will be will be… you can’t escape life or death really – both happen whether you want them to or not.

But I would like to not die… already had that horrific scare … and I really do not want to have any other losses – no one else is allowed to die!!! I do not want to deal with another loss!! (I know is irrational but whatever – no more losses)

Well anyway… I should not be reading these things – but I suppose it’s smart and good to know about… it just invades my peace 🤨 and I don’t wanna fear things.

But whatever – you have to live life.

Today was a beautiful day outside!! Just one of those days when the air smells sweet and the sun beats down nice and warm… not hot just warm. Perfect temps – was beautiful!! Ahhhh spring has arrived!!! ❤️

I want to tell you I love summer – cause summer is my favorite season… however … I live in California … and I live in an area prone to fires in the summer 🤨… we also have a horrible power company run by greed – haven’t serviced their lines in years … they got fined for a fire that killed almost an entire city – completely leveled it – killed many and others lost everything … the power company had to file bankruptcy … so now when the wind blows in the summer time – they shut off our power “to protect” 🤨😠… so that cuts off my power and running water 😠… last year was a big giant shit show… they were getting in trouble left and right because they didn’t give warning and were handling horribly…

So while I love summer – that makes me dread it a little bit… can they fix their shit?

Supposably will be slow to do so… said could take maybe 10 years 🤨 so I dunno how long I can deal with that 🤨… every summer … that’s gonna drive me nuts!!! If they hadn’t been so greedy and took care of their lines – we wouldn’t have this problem. But whatever, is how it is at this point 🤨 it’s comin

So for right now… yay!! Spring ❤️

Ok well gnite for now… tried not to freak myself out tonight but that didn’t work no matter what I said 🤨 calling it a night

It was a good day besides all of that – very beautiful and a day that makes you appreciate life ❤️

Gnite ✌️

Tonight I’m just thinking about my parents

I just want to share some stories…

My mom had a hard life growing up… her parents were not the greatest… then she met my dad when they worked together at a grocery store as teenagers.

She shared with me how they met … my dad worked in the meat department, he was 15, he would sweep the floors and clean etc… my mom worked the front check out… she was 17… the older woman lol

So one day a coworker says to my mom… do know him? He wants to know if you would like to go out sometime?

My moms response was – if he wants to ask me out, tell him to do it himself ❤️ lol – oh she was awesome!!

So he did, and she said yes … when my dad died and we found out she had Alzheimer’s, we had to take control and go through their things… we found hilarious things ❤️

We found boxes upon boxes of old Kodak slides – which btw are totally hilarious!!! I wish I had these photos when I was a teenager lol … we are digitalizing them to not lose them… I cherish every photo!!!

My dad was always the photographer – my mom was the sentimental one so she saved everything… my dad was the ocd one … so she hoarded – he organized and labeled lol

My dad took ALOT of pictures!!! Thankfully … it is a life remembered ❤️

I am a mix of the 2 🤨 😄✌️ I do both – keep for sentimental reasons, box it up label and organize lol – I am also a picture taker ❤️

I do have bits of my dads ocd stuff – never ask me to plan a vacation … not only will I plan it… I map it out, set time lines, give each person in family a folder with highlighted aspects as to activities or histories etc… yeah just don’t let me do that – I get a little bit over excited

Our vacations were always like National Lampoons Vacations with Chevy Chase lol … I would have the headphones in my ears – my brother be touching me or being annoying… my baby sister be pooping her diaper and my mom was like – “Look everyone!!! Mountains” 🤨🙄 for the 5 millionth time lol

Oh ya seen one ya seen em all… that was my response as a teenager… but something happened and I warped into my mom – and find myself saying the same to my kids “look!!! Mountains” 🤨🙄😄

I always bring them somewhere educational or historical…

I went everywhere in the United States growing up … there are occasions when I bring my kids somewhere and not know I was there once before… I have flash backs and things would look familiar – I would call my mom and say “have we been here?”

Sure enough we had. So it’s hard for me to find places in the United States I haven’t seen yet.

I have been out of the United States once … I went on a cruise to the Caribbean which was beautiful and breathtaking and amazing!! I went to St.Thomas (United States Virgin Island) and Tortola (British Virgin Islands), and the Bahamas (also British) was beautiful and breathtaking – quite the experience – but the only time I ever left the United States

One time we went camping … probably in Colorado if I am not mistaken… we had a 1979 Ford van decked out… had pull out couch, refrigerator, very plush – so who wants to sleep on the ground in a tent? lol …

My dad would always say ok camp or hotel ? My answer was always “hotel” lol … but on vacation we try to save money to do other things – so sometimes we camped …

On one of these occasions … my sister and I were like eh… we will sleep in the van… so we did

The van had this sliding door that was REALLY loud lol… well in the middle of the night my sister freaks out and says somethings in here with us… I said no don’t be silly …

But she freaked out and want to go to the tent … so fine whatever … I slide open the loud slider in the middle of the night and go unzip the tent and wake my parents and give her to them…

Then I rezip the tent, go back in the van – slide the loud slider … and laid back down …

Well all of the sudden – in there all by myself … I heard something run across the vinyl pull out couch… and it jumped on my chest 😮😳😳😳😄

So I’m screaming lol… it’s the middle of the night in a campground… and sliding open the loud slider door, slamming it shut, unzipping the tent and going in there with them lol … oh my dad was so mad lol … to remember back it’s hilarious … and we refused to get back in that van the next day until my dad checked it all out lol – I swear something was in there lol

My mom was always really funny – she saw funny things in everything … my dad was really good to her, and she to him. She adored him – he gave her a good life

My mom was the bubbly happy emotional one … my dad was the business/no emotions one. crazy they made a perfect match

I miss my dad – it was heartbreaking to lose him. He was 67. Very young and he always lived a healthy life. It just happens sometimes – but was a shock. Extremely devastating

And my mom, she’s only currently 72… she will be 73 this year – I miss laughing with her. I can still say “I love you” but she’s not really there – that’s really hard

I kinda feel like losing them both like that “boom boom” … kinda dimmed me a little – I was not ready to lose them both

And I’m an adult…. you just never know. You don’t realize

My dad used to take us fishing… and while we would be fishing he record fishing shows on the VCR. So when we got home we could watch other people fishing lol

We used to take vacations every year … 2 of them … first would be the cross country trips right after school got out for summer… and then the beach vacation right before school started back up.

Our beach vacation was always to Sanibel Island in Florida ❤️ is beautiful there … we are Irish mostly … so every year my mother would get herself all severely sunburned 🤨😄 she would make us all lather up in lotion – but she would forget to do herself evidentially 🤨

When you are Irish there is no such thing as tan 🤨🙄 … it’s white or red 🤨… and then if you get red – you will also shed your skin 🤨 oh it’s so gross!! Why????

One time she got sun poisoning … I was about 9… so she was sick … and we had my newborn baby sister who pooped her diaper … well my dad was like here “change her” lol… I didn’t know how to do that and ewww … so me and my dad held her under the shower until she was clean lol

My mother was like omg you two!! lol

My dad used to take a video camera during hurricanes – and I would pretend to be a weather girl … we have video of me as a kid doing that… I am skinny and practically getting blown over – my mom is yelling out the window to come inside lol he’s video taping – it was awesome … to this day I love hurricanes … I love the smell of them, I love the feel of them and I am left in awe of them.

I had an amazing childhood – I am thankful and lucky for that … but I miss them tremendously

I just miss them ❤️

Anyway, just thinking of them tonight and sharing

Gnite ✌️

Today was interesting… it was pretty quiet this morning… got the rest of my work done.

Then about 11am or so… the Maintenence guy shows up … he does the grounds and fixes things we need fixed.

He comes every weekend and I guess during the week – but I am at school during the week.

Last Saturday he asked to use the bathroom… so I let him in and it was quick. We had a service going anyway so I didn’t really get to meet him.

Today I was by myself, and it’s Sunday – Sunday’s are usually slow and quiet.

We had some broken sprinklers so he was doing something with that … he needed to get into the area with the sprinkler system controls so I had to get the keys and let him in there.

He’s really nice – not creepy… and treated my very kindly and like a person. (Not like he was trying to hit on me or anything – very nice guy)

So he did all that and then said he was done so I had to lock that area back up … and then he was talking to me for a minute.

Said he would be back tmrw … I said well I won’t be here tmrw I only work weekends. And he said oh ok well I need to do this this and this… spoke technically to me about things he had to do

I had no idea what he was talking about – way over my head, but I smiled and nodded lol – was kinda funny

Then we just chatted for a moment – he asked what I did before coming here … well I didn’t wanna say I had cancer and had a breast job lol … work at a school and needed second job … lol … let’s keep it simple … so I just told him what I did before all that. I don’t wanna share too much of stuff. I’m not ready.

He asked if I liked it … I said yes so far so good, knock on wood! He laughed. He asked if I found it creepy lol… nah not really, not as bad as you would think

He said he takes care of several funeral homes and cemeteries.

He asked if I lived around the area – no I don’t, not really … I’m about 45 minutes away… my funeral home is in the big city – I am off in country.

So I asked if he lives in area he said yes… he owns the company with his brother. He said he likes it. He had done for years and then finally got his own company and here he is lol

Nice guy. Seems young. But really polite … I really was not expecting so much interaction lol but whatever… was nice to break up the morning. Tried to NOT be too overly guarded. I did good.

Then right after that my phone rang with a death call… so I took all that and was entered into system so body could be picked up and things started.

This person who died was smart… they already preplanned their own funeral… they are all set to go.

I know it sounds morbid – but I would like to have all my stuff situated so that all my final wishes are they way “I” want… and then also – my family won’t have to worry about those details. That’s very smart

So eventually when I am able someday – I want to plan that out, like that, for myself. Makes it all around easier when is all done and ready to go… nothing is in question as to what is wanted and the family won’t have to worry. Is all paid for and done already… preplanned.

When I had the cancer and was going through all the surgeries … I had to do a health care directive … which is a document you do incase something goes wrong… so I had to say who I wanted making decisions for me, who would be responsible for me; any religious instructions and other things I wanted such as did I want them to resuscitate or not, etc… so I have that… I just don’t have my own funeral planned yet.

Things to think about I suppose. When I am able – I am not able right now so that’s on the back burner.

Anyway… not the most exciting day … but I met the Maintenence guy, took a death call, and then learned about preplanning. I am so preplanning as soon as I am able!!! Very very smart!!

Alright well I have school tmrw – high school. Gonna get ready for bed. It’s still not time yet… if I go to bed too early – I am also up too early 🤨 and that will throw me all off … but I am tired so whatever …

Gnite for now ✌️

I am at the funeral home. It’s quiet here today. Kinda really like the peace. Even the music doesn’t bother me today. Normally 9 hours of the heavenly music kinda gets to you… but today is just peaceful.

I’ve been thinking. I really closed myself off. I do for others in need but I closed myself off.

I have hidden myself away from the world. Right now I find a lot of peace in that.

At the school, those kids bring me to life… I love being there.

Partly a reason I love being at the school, besides the kids, is I don’t have to worry if I will be hit on or not. I never have to worry about that – I don’t have to have my guards up. I can be at ease. Relax, not worry.

And the funeral home, lol well I am really tucked away being here. I only work the weekends and it’s quiet – I got all my work done yesterday. I have a couple quick things to do today and I look around to find stuff to do. I just answer the phones and do anything they need me to do or whatever… unless there is a service going on it’s pretty quiet.

I don’t have to see anyone usually. I am really tucked away… also not hit on here lol

But I have completely sheltered myself. I feel protected like that. I find peace in that.

In my life … I want to have stability – I want peace and calmness. I know life will continue to throw stuff at me… so I want the other areas of my life to have a “peace” to them.

I have a friend who warns me “peace” can be dangerous. I guess? Cause I do love the peace ALOT!!! Is quiet and silence when other areas of my life are not.

So I dunno. It just feels like for right now I am where I am supposed to be? But is that because I desire peace so badly?

There is a reason I still fight for my life… I battled through that cancer and survived – I was lucky … many are not. That was very traumatic, especially without my mom.

So I dunno … I am tired and the peace really helps me with that. So I’m not sure. I do like the protection but I do see how I have sheltered myself severely.

I just don’t trust or believe in things I used to.

I still help anyone I can through whatever it is … and I am trying to learn things … so whatever I guess, just saying.

Every so often – I do miss life … I live my life but also protect it… so I don’t know how to unshelter … and I don’t want to lose that peace.

I am scared to lose that peace with what I have experienced. So I don’t know how to do that yet.

My price is peace… I want that

So I am panicking just a little bit tonight… they set the court dates … first date is April 3rd… if we don’t agree – which we won’t … he doesn’t want to give me anything at all… and brutally beats me up in court with lies and my lawyer does nothing – she is basically just there so I have a lawyer on the books – but he pays her so little it doesn’t even cover her fees so she does nothing and I can not afford. I can barely afford anything as it is.

So anyway… trial date set for April 13th… that will finalize everything. And then my lawyer informs me she won’t be available… so she won’t be there – he has legal representation that he pays for himself… and I will be there alone and not understanding anything to do with the courts.

I am terrified!!! I told her please reschedule that but I don’t think they will… he wants to bury me… this isn’t fair – I do nothing to him I just wanna get away from him and I just need a minute to stand on my feet – I am trying so hard – I have 2 jobs and I’m looking for a 3rd!!!

That’s not fair… 21 year marriage and I walk away with just nothing and no help.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I don’t understand this stuff at all. I would never have done this to him… I never took the kids away from him, I never went after him… I’m trying to get away. I’m exhausted. I’m just trying to survive.

I’m scared. I’m really scared – and I don’t find this fair and how am I not going to cry??? It’s gonna make me cry… great.

All by myself 😭💔 ok. This is just not right

Look how broken this court system is to allow this. So I am in panic. Cause whew this is gonna be a lot, all by myself.

I am overwhelmed tonight.

I don’t impress easy… people always try to impress me with money or things – doesn’t impress me.

I have so many people who try to impress me by what they have or what they can give me… sorry but none of that impresses me. I am very careful and don’t accept things from just anyone… I don’t trust motives

So what impresses me? A person with a good heart … I will always look at your heart. I want to see how sincere someone is and if they are a good person.

I am learning as I go along – and I have many people who I didn’t think I could handle…

Like for example – I have a girlfriend who lives a completely different life style than I do… is something that goes against my grain…

I kept her at a distance. Wouldn’t let her get close… but she kept trying – and she was sincere … she kept trying to be my friend even when I would pull back.

She was there for me in moments when I needed someone… she taught me how hard the world can be and how to protect myself.

My guards came down with her. She is now one of my good friends – I still don’t like her lifestyle but doesn’t effect me or the person she is – who she is as a person is more important to me. So I keep her. She impressed me and caught my attention. I have learned a lot from her. She’s very smart.

I do pull back for things I fear or have pain with. I pull back severely sometimes. Go very silent… just protection. I’m always honest and sometimes I need a minute to absorb. I am tired of being hurt.

So anyway… that guy – impresses me. Not that I have let down my guard or anything – cause I have not… and I am still apprehensive… but I suppose we can just be friends.

I still don’t want any church or catholic stuff – I want that private only to me on how I do things regarding that.

But he wrote me back and just told me his whole story. Said he understood what I was saying, apologized for other people hurting me so severely, and that if I ever needed him just let him know. He didn’t care that I rejected – still offered a friend.

So I was impressed. That’s rare.

So I guess I can do that slowly – I can learn. Maybe these things will help me heal from my own things?

Life is learning from our experiences and others so… I guess I will learn.

He impressed me enough with what he said after I turned away… he caught my attention with that. Kinda makes me cry a little.

I just keep so guarded – I am still afraid of certain things … and I want to reject anything that has previously hurt me. I stay silent, I stay away from the internet and news and people- I just live life work and have peace … I don’t let many in lately. I am very tightly guarded.

I try very hard to survive by myself… I struggle very much… was never how my life was – but I was being severely abused… so now I am just afraid of that… I’m afraid of my ex, I’m afraid of the courts and lawyers, I’m afraid I won’t make it.

I do good working but I still struggle severely … I don’t eat sometimes so that my daughter can. My living conditions are not the best – I try really hard to stand up – my ex just beats me down

I am still happy and I still smile and laugh… my ex does play dirty and lies … he wants me not to be able to make it without him. Screw that, so I try… but I’m terrified

I work 2 jobs and still struggle. My oldest son helps me when he can – I don’t ask him to, he gets mad at me about that, but he’s my son – I don’t want to ask anyone for help much less, him. He asks me every week if I am ok… I always tell him yes. He will sometimes help me anyway.

I told my daughter that I keep a tally so one day I can pay him back all the times he has helped me… my daughter told him about that and rolled his eyes and said “mom doesn’t owe me anything, I help her because she is my mom and I love her” which made me cry 😭

So these are the reasons I cry… it’s hard not to cry. I try not to but it’s heavy and I’m tired.

So ya know… I dunno?? I have always lived a good life and always been honest and accepting mostly… I do run from things I fear will hurt me. I am scared.

But again – I only cry when I feel that heaviness – and I don’t let anyone see me cry… when someone finds out my story – they always say how come you always smile and are so bubbly? You are such an upbeat person

Yeah well I am… I am just having hard time because I can’t make it on my own yet and I don’t have my family.

I have to live life – I can’t curl up into a ball… and I just don’t want anyone knowing how hurt I am and how much help I need. I am afraid to take help… I am very cautious

I once believed in things but I don’t now – I don’t trust at all… I have HIGHLY guarded myself.

Anyway my point to all this is … perhaps I can learn something from this person… or perhaps he can teach me how to heal? Or whatever … I rejected… and he still had compassion and empathy.

Still HIGHLY guarded but whatever … I was impressed so now I’m listening – trying to learn ✌️

Catch my attention – and I will listen to what you have to say even if I’m afraid. I am open to learning … just afraid of things

One day when you read my blog… you gonna see how far I can go… I do plan to be really strong and do plan to have an amazing life in all aspects ❤️

Just a moment in time ✌️

Today I had lawyer and court stuff which maybe I will talk about tmrw – one heavy thing at a time. Is night time and the court and lawyer things kind of exhaust me and make me panic. So maybe tmrw.

Until then, I did write that man back…

I was very polite and honest… told him I keep my catholicness to myself and have some hard feelings there. I politely declined his offer to go to church.

On the next issue… the recovery… I told him that my thoughts and feelings were based on the experiences I have gone through and are not directed at him personally.

I just can’t have a recovering addict in my life again. Right now I am trying to find my own peace just as he is. The hurt and the pain caused by my ex and his issues and addictions, have severely altered how I feel. I just can’t have that in my life at this time.

I thanked him for his offer of help … but I am learning to stand by myself right now. I do struggle … and appreciate very much… am touched … but I can’t accept. I’m doing ok at the moment. I am surviving so far.

Anyway… that was all very hard to say. I feel bad for the way I feel and what I feel I can handle …but it is the truth for me at this moment, I also feel I shouldn’t feel bad for how I feel. But it makes me feel like I am placing judgement – it’s not that… cause I am not… It’s just what I am able to handle and also I want peace – that is not in any way peace to me.

So. I guess that’s it.

I do feel kinda bad ?? So I dunno. He was nice and kind – again was not directed at him personally – it is just what I can or can not handle at this moment.

Bleh