Woke up this morning and was raining… yesterday the weather didn’t know what to do… we had overcast, then rain, then sun, and sun and rain lol …

It’s not raining anymore, is overcast but sun is trying to come… Little chilly 🥶 but that’s coming from someone who has adjusted to California weather. Lol … isn’t really that chilly but whatever – I am chilly today.

I turned on all the heat lol – is warming up.

Thought I would post now before I get overly busy. Just getting thing ready for the week – otherwise should be mellow? 🙏

Also… I live in the country and we are on well water… this morning there was no water 😮😮😮😮 Oh my god!

So that means – no shower 😮 bleh… I am a shower person always!!

But I’m at a funeral home so whatever … I washed my face with bottled water and was still able to look nice and smell nice – thank god for lotions and perfumes!! Just makes me feel better.

My hair however – although it looks ok… feels greasy… I have baby fine hair but lots of it… if I don’t shower it seems greasy to me – but I shower every morning so maybe it’s just me thinking that. I know it is not good to shower all the time… but whatever – I just like that. Don’t care.

So I feel a little grubby today – but again am at funeral home so – I look nice but grubby lol

God please have water later!! 🙏 need shower!!

Alright well… I have to get to work. I was so busy yesterday didn’t get to my normal stuff – and so I have to do all that, and then also prepare for the week.

Oh and while writing this – it’s way overcast again… probably more rain to make me look even more grubby lol 😄✌️

At least I am hidden away ❤️

Ughhh what a day!! We were so busy today… had a service… then have funerals on Monday and Tuesday… had to prepare everything for those… finished most but still have a lot to do tmrw … and phones kept ringing and people coming to the door!! I am exhausted!!

And while all this is going on – my lawyer messages never and tells me… she’s not going to help me if she is not paid … he is court ordered to pay her – I have nothing and barely survive with 2 jobs … I needed a 3rd which I haven’t started yet cause I am waiting on them…

Alright … so it’s just me now… and the mouse stands alone. Ok is what my situation is… so nothing I can do… I’m gonna have to go it alone and hope the court has SOME mercy… if not is what is… as long as they don’t take my daughter … they take my daughter and I give up. I’m done.

I do have a little hope, but I’m gonna be on my own. The lawyer only panicked me anyway… she didn’t help me and was really mean and bullying … I had no choice to stay with her – I could not afford a retainer on another lawyer … so she owned me.

Now I’ll just be free and be by myself

I am highly traumatized by the courts and what he has done. I am too tired to keep fighting or hoping the courts will help – they don’t and I don’t understand – I was a stay at home mom for 21 years… volunteered with a police department for 4 years… I was a good wife, good mother, good citizen.. he has alcoholism history and mental home…

He has not followed court orders – was supposed to take a drug test never did… I did … they made me take a 9 panel drug test – and I passed

You can test me for drugs and/or alcohol at a moments notice and I will pass with flying colors. I work very hard to survive through everything…

He’s left me homeless, while I lost my family and battled breast cancer … he has buried me in motion after motion in court …

It is hard for me not to cry because I am so traumatized … I love life … but I feel like I can not stand up. I just need a minute – I am not asking him to take care of me – I will do that myself – but for god sakes – I helped him get where he is, helped pay off his student loans when we first met, raised his kids, stood by him with everything. He was abusive and cheated … so I am exhausted

This is why I need peace so badly and why I isolate… I am so heavily traumatized and all I do is try to move forward.

He just takes vengeance hard – so I am tired …

I go it alone. That breaks my heart so much!! 😢💔 sorry … she overwhelmed me today at work with that… I did cry for a quick minute … but quickly recaptured myself because I am at work. I have to stay strong – I can’t lose it yet.

So I fight once more on those final court days … all I can do is hope for the best. But I am tired – if you take my daughter I have nothing and I give up.

I am upset, and exhausted.

I can’t believe I was with someone so evil… and stayed through it all… that was my fault … but I didn’t I wouldn’t have my younger 2 … so I don’t know how to feel on that – they are my life.

I am heartbroken and terrified and traumatized tonight.

So I don’t know what else to say – having a moment 💔

Very busy day today at funeral home 😮😮 crazy busy!!

Tired!! Be back when slows – whew

So above anything else … one thing that I have never been able to do… is keep a plant alive lol 🌱 … I am excellent with kids, I can cook, clean, work, plan things, I’m really good at most household stuff… just not plants

I try… but either I over water or I forget or it just dies…

I get that from my mother – she did not have a green thumb and even once killed an Air Plant – yes evidentially that’s possible. Lol … she would plant plastic poinsettias outside during winter and my friends would come over and be like “oh wow look how beautiful” I would say – touch them 😄😄

They would and they be all confused … they were plastic but real looking… leave it to my mother – she was always very hilarious lol … my dad used to tease her lol … and then take over

My father – was Mr. HGTV … our yards could have been in a magazine they were always immaculate, with beautiful flowers, manicured walk ways etc. just beautiful – everyone always admired. It was a hobby for him…

Somehow that skipped me. I took after my mother. It’s the only thing I can not master that I want to.

Well a few weeks ago… I went to a home improvement store… at the check out they had strawberry 🍓 seeds …

Well I love strawberries… maybe I will try? They were really cheap so I threw them in with the things I was buying.

I got home and put some soil in a pot, sprinkled the seeds, covered lightly with a little more soil (not much, the seeds were tiny) … and watered.

I have it sitting on my window sill in the kitchen. Every day I water it just a little and sometimes just use a squirt bottle on the “mist” setting. (totally determined not to over water or kill my strawberries!!) I even turn the pot everyday so each section of the pot gets good sunlight. ☀️

I was becoming leery because nothing was sprouting and it’s been weeks… yesterday I looked and there was nothing… I thought to myself 2 more weeks then I just throw away… still suck with plants lol …

This morning when I woke and went to make my coffee… I thought I saw a little sprout but I really couldn’t tell… maybe was a piece of fuzz or something

But no… in fact I have 2 sprouts!!! 🌱🌱… Omg I’m growing a plant ❤️❤️❤️ it’s working!!! I’m keeping it alive

Don’t get too far ahead of myself – is just a sprout… now I have to keep it alive! But I am excited – I have a HUGE smile for that today ❤️❤️❤️

And if I ever get to the point where I have actual strawberries… Oh my god! You gonna hear all about it!!! I’m gonna be so proud!!

I do try things – things I’m not usually good with… sometimes I get it, if I keep trying … sometimes I don’t …

I’m taking this one as a win for right now ❤️❤️❤️ I am gonna be babying this thing… not hovering – I don’t wanna kill it… but I’m gonna TRY to keep these alive!! I am so excited!!! Pray for my plants!!!! I want them!!

So maybe I got a little tiny bit of my dad there … hoping because I really want these strawberry plants … ok so I will have to read how to make sure I don’t kill them!! I made baby plants ❤️❤️❤️🌱

Ok so… I have a teeny tiny crush… shhh!! Means nothing, and no way! Just no! I’m not ready.

So I just keep it to myself and say nothing. I am just doing my healing all privately and to myself. Love my peace.

It’s just a crush that’s all. End of story.

Ok so… 🤨… is one of my police officers … shhh… no way!! There is just no way I would ever say anything…

I have a really awesome banter with him … he’s hilarious!! Lol he makes me laugh constantly!

We click really well… and he’s been a good friend for years … umm …7 years 😮 … I didn’t realize that long until right now!!

I do have a crush – but it means nothing because I don’t think is a match and you know… I’m not ready and stuff?? I dunno… he’s just awesome.

Well I texted him something funny this morning, and then told him I went to get a coffee but drive through was pack so forget that…

He said just go inside

Yeah no!!! I am in a tank top and tiny little shorts – Not getting out of the car. Was just dropping daughter off – is my day off. lol … my ONE day off

So he says … well if you come through town let me know

I was about to head home and said … well I’m about to do a fly by… lol right through the center … I am coming that way now…

So I asked if he wants me to stop

He hasn’t seen me since god… when was the last time he saw me? Let me think… usually we just text – I stay very private … umm… last time I saw him was maybe beginning of 2018? So Oh my god! 2 years!!

No one has seen me… I just am quiet – taking in my peace by myself. Just healing. That’s all.

Well yes he does want me to stop 🤨😮… ok so didn’t think of any of that, cause I miss him always … I do enjoy his friendship. He is funny and I just like him as a person.

So whatever … I just wanted to see him too…

So he tells me where and I got to see him. Awww – sight for sore eyes for sure!

I hate when he’s in uniform though cause hugs suck!!! He’s got the vest on and the radio, all of it! So like I said … hugs suck with a officer in uniform lol … I also prefer to see him as a friend/person than a police officer.

But whatever – hugged him anyway, was good to see him.

We talked for maybe 5 minutes… he said his father passed away in November – we text and stuff but not all the time- I am busy with my things and he is busy with his. And I just keep a distance. You know – protection.

Well because I fell off the face of the earth with everyone and all social media – I had no idea… so gave him my condolences on that. It’s hard.

I mentioned I had no idea and don’t go online at all…

And he says – yeah what’s up with that?

Well I dunno – it was alot… ya know losing my dad, grandfather, grandmother… my mom has Alzheimer’s, I had cancer, going through a brutal divorce … I just needed peace so I took it… I love both the peace and the privacy. I needed to heal.

He knows my life – just generally

He made a point to mention he is single 🤨 oh nice

He asked if I see anyone… nope I do not… I work, have my kids and keep to myself. I just like the peace.

Then he said … ah, maybe you would like to hang out sometime? Relax have some fun or something? 🤨

Uhhh sure? I didn’t know what to say??? Yes I do like him, but I am also just nervous … don’t know my balance of distance with him.

Then we talking about where we are living – he knows I am out in country… I live very close to a stable where he has horses.

He asked if I lived alone – well yes I do… with my daughter when she is not visiting her father

He has been building a ranch out here in the country. It will be finished in June and he will move in. Then he’s gonna be near me 😮😳

And then he says… I’ll have to come over and see your place hang out…

Ugghhhh … yeah yeah sure sounds good

That is not happening – nope…

He knows my life somewhat… but has no idea how hard its been, nor the details of what I go through – I am highly private

I have a teeny tiny little home and I struggle – I don’t want him seeing that… I can’t – would be too heavy. It would just be really stressful and make me panic… if was a normal regular general house and I was doing good and not struggling – then no problem … but no way… not him.

I don’t have anyone over ever!! I’ve only had 2 people come over to my home since I have been here. Just friends… and I just can’t – I am definitely not ready for that. And not with him

Ugh yeah slow please!!!! Go SLOW!!! He’s lucky I said I would get together sometime.

I am just severely cautious – I know he’s a police officer and he is safe… I like that

But I am more umm ??? Shy? than he is… and I dunno… he has way more experience with things than I do… so just makes me nervous.

I know he’s a police officer – and has been a really good friend for a long time… but we have never dated or anything like that. Just make each other laugh a lot … with him I just have a really fun banter and we are both really funny…

I just don’t know if I can trust him? I am nervous with it when you bring this interest aspect into it.

So… he’s not coming over – boundaries … and I don’t want to move fast or anything… sllllllooooowwww!! Easy does it, let me be at ease

I can maybe do going out sometime… but he be first I have gone out with like that. So am highly nervous.

But could be just talk so maybe nothing to worry about.

He did make me smile and laugh today and I do miss him. I felt weird to see him again because I have not seen ANYONE so it’s just awkward to me – has been a long time.

I have these new boobs which I am not totally used to yet, not overly comfortable yet. So I dunno … little uncomfortable… I always thought boobs would be awesome and they are … but I dunno… I am shy with them around people – just new. Scars and is larger than before, stuff like that.

Not sure what he was thinking.

So …oh boy 😳 did not plan to see anyone today and I opened myself to that… whew – ok

Baby steps … and just because I have a crush on him – that means nothing… I am still cautious. Still not sure if I am ready or not… but I trust him more than most so whatever. We see what happens.

Why does that make me feel so nervous??? On the friendship level I have no nervousness… the interest comes in and I wanna pull back so bad!! I am nervous. But it’s him so I’ll see I guess – I still feel highly guarded and nervous though.

Bleh

Just a blogging question… if I save a post I just hit the little ribbon button right?

Ok so then where can I find all the ones I have saved?? If anyone knows that? I could be doing it wrong??