They are almost home… so family night will be starting… wooo hooo!! I’m excited lol ❤️ Maybe a little more than usual because I have recharging for 2 days!! Lol

Today I went to store and shelves were completely bare… I just wanted to get something really special to make for tonight – but I improvised instead… I’m just doing chicken quesadillas – I already had half the ingredients and I just needed chicken…

The meats were almost bare, there was no toilet paper – I didn’t need any but I went to check and see anyway lol 😄😄

Literally every isle was almost bare 😮… is insane!! People have officially gone insane!!

But whatever …

They are home ❤️❤️❤️ family night time ❤️❤️❤️

Gnite ✌️❤️

Alright so I have to go actually “live” today lol… the past 2 days I took a breather. I have to prepare for tonight

Tonight is family night ❤️ … I always look forward to Friday’s because of that!!

I know the subject is going to be the virus 🤨… all their things were cancelled left and right… their school is still holding on until a child is diagnosed so far… but anything else – all sports and band …ANY get together has been cancelled for them.

My daughter is a little mad they are still in school lol… she wants it off… but I told her – if they cancel your school you will have to make that up… so you could be looking at going to school in the summer, should they cancel … I’m sorry but that would suck!! In my opinion!! She may not have a summer vacation if they cancel!! 😮

She’s waiting and hoping though lol – every day she hopes it’s cancelled.

And it’s just been effecting them left and right with all these cancellations and hits.

My sons haven’t said too much, but I’m sure they will tonight.

We probably won’t go anywhere tonight… we will probably just have a nice dinner and then play board games. Just kinda relax and stay in.

Gonna be a nice quiet easy night ❤️

It’s been nice to breathe for a minute this week… I know everyone else is freaking out but it gave me a minute to slow down. I really needed that. I’ve had peace this week despite what’s happening around me…

Was a little touch and go on Sunday Monday Tuesday … but then silence – so absorbed it.

What a week it’s been!

I was remembering things with my mom tonight…

I always loved music and attached to music at a really young age… the very first song I ever loved was Rhinestone Cowboy lol… I was 3 … yes I can remember!! In my mind, I can remember everything like it was yesterday…

Every Thursday was my mother’s grocery shopping day… she would put me in this blue flowered car seat in their 1972 Pontiac LeManns (which I hated the smell of!! Was the vinyl seats or something I don’t know… but hated that smell)

She would buckle me in… in the “front seat” lol … and then we would start to drive to the grocery store… every single time at the same time every Thursday that song came on the radio – and 3 year old “me” would belt it out lol … it used to make my mother laugh. If we would get to the store before the song was over – I would make her wait lol 😄😄

My first crush at 4/5 years old was on a singer (lol) I laugh to look that up though… that was back in 1976/77…

I always thought he was soo cool and really funny – he made me laugh all the time… and his voice ❤️ I just loved his voice!! He had a deep unique voice… and he had the New England accent…

We were from the east coast and I miss that accent – we always moved all over the country growing up (no not military, my dad was a big wig at a corporation) … but I hear that accent and I dunno, I miss it – makes me feel “home” … New England area was just always a constant in my life – in a life where a child is always moving… you don’t have a “constant” … is always new and different … New England was my constant… my entire family was there except for us. We visited every holiday and sometimes I got to spend summers there with them.

Anyway… just wanted to explain the accent thing… when I hear it – I remember my constant… it makes me feel a sense of home…

When I look back at this stuff now… It’s just funny – as a child this performer was so amazing… still is… he still makes me laugh just seeing it and his voice is still pretty awesome – I just like that it’s different… but looking at it now it makes me laugh even more!

I had a crush on Bowser from Sha-Na-Na lol Oh my god! He does still make me smile though ❤️ (way way way different than today’s world!! Everything about it lol) My mom was like “what were you thinking?” Lol I don’t know lol … I was little

I also remember a show called Solid Gold – which I loved loved loved … music and dancing!!

Lol my mother did not like that I loved that show… so she would watch it with me – just incase some of those women wore things that were too racy for me to see or the dances be too racy 😄😄😄 lol (they tried to shelter me a lot)

She was not a fan of that show, at least watching it with me lol she always thought was too racy for tv lol (my how times have changed)

And then came Madonna and Like a Virgin 😄😄😄 Oh my god! That one practically killed my mother 😄 – she did not like Madonna whatsoever lol – I was not allowed to watch MTV (only when I went to friends houses was I able to)

They did try to shelter me from a lot, but growing up at that time … that was when video games were beginning and music was pushing limits, MTV came out … so it was hard. They did shelter pretty good though and moving all around helped that.

But music was a thing for me always.

My dad played the accordion (yes I know! NOT the coolest instrument lol) but he could play any song on that thing!! Including top hits – you name it he could play it!! When we were younger we would dance around the living room while he played.

When I was in 5th grade my mom used to pick up one of my friends little brothers from school… in return for my mother doing that … her mother offered free piano 🎹 lessons for me 🤨 … I was less than thrilled lol … I just wanted to play with my friend

I would go over after school and have piano lessons for an hour 😝 hated it!! And no – I don’t remember how to play, cause I wasn’t interested in the first place. I would sit there and do the lessons – just waiting for it to be over so I could go play with my friend lol …

As soon as piano lessons were done – I would get to play with my friend and then we would have a snack and watch the Love Boat and Fantasy Island reruns lol … those theme songs remind me of those moments

I am not an instrument person – singing yes!! Always… just not an actual physical instrument … and I can’t read music.

I just like to enjoy music that’s all.

My kids are instrument people… they can read music and hear things that I can not.

Music is memories or feelings to me… even the new stuff attaches to people, feelings, things or moments in time.

But was funny to remember Sha-Na-Na tonight and Solid Gold… my mom would hustle herself in front of the tv if it was too racy lol

She tried lol ❤️ I used to tease her and say one day I was gonna be a solid gold dancer lol – she would gasp and say my full name lol 😄😄❤️ I kinda loved that reaction from her lol

When I talk to her now… we can still laugh about this stuff because she remembers the past. Just not current. I always just love laughing with her ❤️… even if I can’t have her normally I can still laugh with her ❤️

I was talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone today.

She is that girlfriend that I wasn’t sure I could handle because she is sooo completely opposite of me.

The way she operates is that she lays everything out… boom! 😮😄… she tells you exactly how she is, who she is, what she believes, what she does… all of which have the ability to give someone like me… a heart attack lol 😄😄

I am very private and very protective, kinda isolated myself – all my trauma really put me in shut down mode.

When I first met her, it was through our daughters. My daughter is a best friend to her daughter (we just do not live close) … she was working for her parents in my town … and her daughter was having bullying problems from kids at her own school… so this mother used her parents address and enrolled her daughter in my daughters school.

Her daughter is the sweetest, kindest, well mannered, well behaved and really good girl… very smart. Kids were picking on her at her old school… so she’s quiet like me.

Well my daughter is Miss Social Butterfly lol … she knows all the kids, they all know her… she’s knows all the faculty, straight A student, in band and even arm wrestles the principal 🙄😄 she has a hilarious delightful little personality… she’s very sweet and kind and funny – likes to protect others…

The school asked me and my daughter if we were open to helping this girl around school, showing her around and just being a friend. We of course said yes, absolutely!

And that’s how that began.

Once the moms’ father died she no longer came to my town. So they went back to their own area – I stayed in touch, so the girls could still see each other … my daughter had an amazing impact on her daughter – night and day difference … her daughter used to be shy and in a shell… and my daughter helped her come out… so I just stayed in touch cause the girls love each other and I love her daughter like my own as well.

Then I got cancer… so the girls didn’t get to see each other because I was busy trying to stay alive… I was terrified and going through so much heavy stuff… I was sick and then all the surgeries… it was a lot

I had been posting about all the medical stuff on Facebook, which I used at the time… I just know there are silent people, who would read… and maybe it wouldn’t be so traumatizing to them as it was to me? So I was raw with everything…

My support with my friends and family and community was HUGE!!! I am completely humbled by how they were with me!!! I can’t even express words on that. I saw the best of humanity in those moments ❤️

Well one day I had posted about going into one of my surgeries … I posted about my fear oh boy was it a lot … I was afraid … I went into that surgery… and went into recovery room afterwards to wake up… when I started to wake up … there was that mom, making sure I was ok – she had sat in that hospital and waited. I was surprised but thankful and touched.

She kept checking on me all the time to make sure I was ok… both physically and mentally. It was nice to have someone there like that… but I still didn’t know her very well… she would bring me food, and make sure I had everything I needed… she was really there when I needed someone

So we began getting to know each other just like our daughters did…

It was a little rocky at first because she is completely different from me – like I said she lays it all out – bad and all… she wants you to absolutely see what you get and does not hold back lol … it’s not little stuff lol

She lays everything out like that because she is different and would rather someone walk away in the beginning because they can’t handle, than get close to them and attached only to have them run… which I understand.

I do appreciate that a lot… I liked her for being so upfront with me in both good and bad – I didn’t have to guess about anything with her. She does not hold anything back and is very transparent – which I wish people were like that in general

She is a very strong personality which is why I wasn’t sure I could handle, and her life is so different – most people do judge her. But she happily doesn’t care – I love that about her too!

I am severely private with my own life and protective of myself and my emotions… I have to be able to trust someone before I can allow them to come closely into my life. I have massive guards up.

She is smart, and has a lot of strength – which I watch carefully and try to absorb.

What made me put down my guard with her was how incredibly upfront and transparent she was.

There was a moment I didn’t think I could handle and I was going into my isolation from everyone… she “kept” trying to be my friend and didn’t let go… I needed that, and I appreciate that ❤️

Now she’s one of my closest friends … the moms and the daughters ❤️ I feel zero panic with her and can speak freely etc – with her – she will allow me a minute to let go of some of the emotions and release some of that pressure and I don’t have to protect myself with her in that regard… she is just a good friend.

We do have differences of opinions or views – and we can have a disagreement, work through it and move on really fast… I like that too. We can also see the perspective from another view with each other.

Is good to have someone like that in your life! I am thankful she is in my life ❤️ she came into my life in a moment I needed her. Now we are strong

Anyway… that’s the background…

Today we were talking because she is frustrated with another one of her friends lol… I laugh because she is the type of person she is – but somehow all her friends are just like me 😄😄 so we are all guarded lol

It’s funny someone so strong has a bunch of guarded people like me around them lol – so we were kind of laughing about that today.

She has a new friend whom she just laid everything out for … and they are withdrawing from her…

So I told her … don’t pressure – let them absorb what you have laid out. Just be a friend if they need, don’t overwhelm them too much, you are a good person and a good friend – it’s just guarded people are not used to someone being so transparent even with bad. It is refreshing… and they will probably absorb and accept… but you have to let them just have some time to really absorb everything you just laid out. If you overwhelm or come at them too much they will push you away, but keep offering friendship should they want it, if you want this person in your life.

Then after we talked about that… it flipped over to me 🤨lol… she tries to tell me that maybe it be good if I start trying to be more open (she was referring to my police officer friend) 🤨… I had said maybe not such a good idea – I feel pull back

I know I do have to start relaxing but I’m not there yet. I can’t let down that guard just yet… I’m not ready… I’ve thought a lot about it… I’m just not there at this moment… I have a lot I am still trying to get through – when that’s over – I’ll be more at ease

I will once I have my life calm and in a better place. I working hard towards that. So I’ll eventually come out of isolation – but right now I still need that peace for myself while I am still handling some heavy things.

I don’t look at my isolation as a bad thing – but I do see it bad in the way that I like the peace too much lol … but whatever – I am working on coming back to life… and with all this virus shutdown and isolation… life is kinda showing me… don’t forget to live life cause that can be taken away very easily.

Ughhhh … so yeah I’m trying to grasp that too. I will. But in my own time… I am still healing. I just need a little longer.

Anyway… friends are important – they keep you sane lol ✌️❤️ I enjoyed our convo today and she always makes me think … and she gives me good perspective. We help each other through things. ❤️

I am lucky to have her. ❤️ what my daughter did for her daughter – she does for me ❤️ she helps me come out of my shell little by little.

Life kinda brings people to you… sometimes it’s quick and their gone… but sometimes it’s more than just a season ❤️

It feels weird not to have anywhere to be? I always have somewhere to be, to be needed, to have to live by a clock and have to be somewhere at a certain time…

Today I don’t have that. I feel weird. Friday’s are my usual only day off but I still have to run around and do all my errands… I ran my errands yesterday after school. And I always get ready for family nights on Fridays with my kids.

But today?? There is just nothing. Not complaining – there is a peace to that… it’s just weird cause is my first day with nothing at all. My own free will to whatever… I don’t remember that.

This morning – my internal alarm woke me up at the same time I would be getting ready for school… but I remembered – we no longer have school… so I tried to stay in bed and sleep a little longer – but that didn’t pan out lol… once I’m up – I’m up

So I slowly took my time and got out of bed… made some coffee and just read people’s posts… just took my time.

I have forgotten how that is. I don’t normally have a moment to come up for air? This is the first time in a very long time.

The break is very nice. It’s so incredibly peaceful! I am in the country, so as I sit here in mostly silence – the birds are chirping. The sun has risen and is beaming through my windows. We have spring here – so our days have been beautiful lately… warm and sunny…

When I had the cancer …

They kept telling me … your life has to halt, you have to stop everything because you are going to need to fight this.

Well that was hard… they wanted me to put my life on hold… I didn’t know how to do that! They kept telling me to let it go… cause now I had to fight that.

They didn’t understand that I had to keep surviving… I was going through a brutal divorce and my family members kept dying and I am the peacekeeper of the family – and I am the one who holds it together… I didn’t understand I needed all my energy for fighting that cancer. I had a lot on my plate and I didn’t know how to just stop life for a minute.

It took me awhile, I fought that hard because I didn’t understand how and I was trying to survive in all ways lol … how do you just stop life for a minute? I don’t have the time for that!!! It’s not as easy as it sounds!

I literally had to surrender so these doctors could help me fight this.

I did halt my life for that… eventually. I had to… I couldn’t keep up with fighting that cancer and then fighting life so I surrendered my life through that.

Then my life became doctors and hospitals constantly – I hated that!!!! Oh like you don’t even know!!! They were in my life ALL the time!!!! That was my life. It was awful! Poked and prodded and sliced and diced 🤨 ughhh I hated that!!!!

So I gave up fighting to survive life in general for fighting for my life literally 🤨 that sucked 🤨

I am thankful and I am alive … but it was hard.

I still hate dealing with being checked and watched. But whatever – sometimes you have to deal with things in life you don’t want to.

Halting my life at that point – was NOT peaceful!!! 🤨

Halting my life at this moment … while everyone is fearing the coronavirus … I don’t fear it. I already feared death – I don’t anymore. Life will happen and do what it’s going to do… sometimes you don’t have control.

I am finding a minute of peace at the moment. Soaking it up because I know is only a moment. Life will get crazy again… and move really fast…

So today I am just absorbing. Enjoying the actual peace.

It’s a little weird – because I am not used to life so peaceful without something coming at me … I feel like I can breathe for a minute?

While I miss my kids – and can’t wait to be back with them… I feel purpose with them… but I am enjoying the moment at the moment.

I am breathing ❤️ I haven’t breathed in a long time!!!

Alright … so everything is really fluid at this moment … so things can change at the drop of a hat … but here is where we sit right now…

The school I work at… is closed until the end of March at which time they will re-evaluate. We are hoping everything calms down. Until then, these kids will do online work and classes still… so they can keep up. They are mostly online anyway… went sent home computers with anyone who needed one.

I was really sad to lose my kids… I am missing them already!!! However on the other side of that… I am on “paid” leave… thank god!! That helps tremendously – I had no idea how I was gonna do this … and the last thing I want to do is leave my kids.

So… all that was a relief today.

For my daughter… her district band day was cancelled – and from the notice and phone call- I do believe her concert is cancelled also… she and I will check on that tmrw …

Her school however IS NOT cancelled … but here is how they are proceeding…

Our school district is in a state of emergency – our area went from 1 case/1 death to suddenly “8” … so they are trying to prevent the spread.

The way they plan to do this is – all extra school activities and athletics are cancelled … the schools will remain open for the time being.

In the event a child is confirmed with the virus – immediately the schools will shut down.

Current protective measures are very thorough and complete disinfecting, hand washing stations etc. – all necessary precautions will be taken

When I was discussing all this with my daughter … she told me her teachers have sent home all their workbooks, just incase…

She also told me of a “rumor” going around school today… “that a child at the other middle school in town – their mother was just diagnosed”

Again that is a rumor that is coming from kids – so may NOT be true… I will believe that when I hear it from the district.

So wow… what a wild ride this week oh my goodness!!!

Today had every emotion possible!!! Can we NOT do that? Lol

I will be happy when all this is over and life is back to normal… I miss normal – I miss peace ✌️

What am I learning here? Umm… that maybe I need to let go and remember to live.

Ok so… it was a hard day in some aspects and then in other aspects it got better. I expected the worse and it turned out better than I thought.

Some random woman today was talking to me about a lot of things – she learned I had breast cancer and said Oh my god! You must have been really young when you had that!!

I said yeah I was (lol)

And she asked how old I was when I went through that…

I said … umm 45/46

And she got all shocked and said Oh my god! How old are you now?

I said 47

And her mouth dropped open because she thought I was in my 20’s lol … so that was kinda nice but also funny today – made me feel better because I had cried with the kids earlier

So anyway… that was quite a day of highs and lows!! Was like the stock market!!! 🤨😄✌️ ups and downs.

It’s like the world went crazy for a minute… hopefully is just a minute. 🙏

Alright so that’s about it for tonight.

I will be around tmrw … cause now I have no where to go at the moment 🤨… but maybe it might be good for me to take a minute and take a breath? I kind need that.

Have a good night ✌️

I just thought of something… my daughter has a band concert THIS Thursday 😮… I wonder if they will be cancelling that as well? She is going to be so disappointed if they do… they haven’t said anything but at this rate I won’t be surprised.

I think it’s going to be cancelled … they are trying to prevent the spread

Thursday is actually district band day… where band kids from all over the district get together and show their skills… she gets to dress all up and they all play music…

I forgot all about Thursday

It probably will be cancelled – they won’t want that many people together like that.

So today I will learn if my actual kids will continue to have school… or activities…

And today is MY last day at MY school… now that parents and kids know… I wonder what today will be like?

Today is my elementary and middle school… my littles ❤️ … I’m gonna miss all of them too!

My high schoolers actually enjoy coming to school… I’m sure they are sad…

But my littles … I think they will be excited ?? Lol …

Last week we had issues with the alarm and couldn’t get into the building… we were having parents drop them off, but we didn’t know if we could get in or not so parents stood by and waited …

My principal said… yes go ahead and tell them no school today, they have the day off…

So I had turned to all my kids standing there with me and said “ok guys, I guess you have the day off today”

And they cheered 😄😄… but at that VERY moment we got the doors open … so I had to immediately say “oh sorry Nevermind – almost” lol … then they moaned 😄😄

So I think my littles won’t realize … I think they will just be excited to have school off?

I guess we are gonna see how today goes.

Ps… oh yeah – I have water again finally ❤️ I get showers again – thank god! No more grubby!

Just now, I got a call from my kids schools – saying tmrw they are having a meeting to decide what they are doing… they will call us again tmrw with the decision. 😞

Alright so my own kids MAY be out of school … oh boy. That’s regular public schools!

When it rains it really pours!!

Ok so nobody do anything 🤨… everyone stop everything 🤨 … stop living completely!

I get it… I understand … stop the spread or try to… but this is just insane … and I thought no Clorox wipes or hand sanitizer was insane … ha! I was wrong… this way more insane

What is happening right now??

Only cautionary I suppose? Alright. It just feels weird. Is concerning because they never take steps like this – ever!! I am shocked that they are possibly calling off schools. They don’t even do this for the flu.

This feels like a movie!!!

Alright … so … have a little panic… I am ok for the moment because I have been working constantly… thank god!!! Omg can you imagine if I didn’t get the funeral home job!! Oh my!! So I at least have that.

One of the other school districts near us – shut their schools down too…

And then our kids… well we have many with weakened immune systems, some young ones battle cancer (yeah at their age!!), and some have severe allergies … and then some live with grandparents or have grandparents in the home…

Plus my school is a home school… most of their stuff is online anyway… so as a precaution- they shut us down.

Ok.

My principal knows my situation and is trying to see if there is anything I might be able to do at the district office. So we see. I won’t hold my breath though – but I told her – I’ll do anything, whatever they have. She will mention that and how hard I work.

Today was hard. They told me that this morning, right as I got in… but parents and kids had not been notified yet … so I couldn’t say anything at all.

So here I had this news… i was devastated – I love these kids!!! I wanted to tell them how much I enjoy them and hope to see them again soon…

One girl… my triple threat girl… she’s beautiful, street smart and intellectual… but she hides her smartness – until she met me…

I am like a second mom to her… and when I talk to her about how important her education is… she listens to me!!

We were talking about that today cause she hasn’t been turning in her work in English … so I keep telling her – turn in your work… so important!! Don’t fall behind on that… and your finals won’t stress you at as much because you grade won’t depend on just the final…

I said to her … you better hear my words – I want you to go far and I know you can… are you hearing my words ?

And she laughed and said Oh my god! I hear your words all the time!! I’ll be out with my friends and we used to get in trouble … but now… I think of you and your words … and then I do the right thing instead ❤️

I am a cheerleader for this young girl… I want her to go far… I know she can!! I hope that any impact I have made in her life stays with her.

It was really hard for me not to say anything to her… I totally wanted to tell her – I’m not gonna see you for awhile – please keep up with your work… be strong… I am gonna miss her sooo much!!!

And all these kids!! I really am attached to them… ok well … I have to lose them right now.

And then of course … the job which brings in my money… I do have the funeral home job – thank god!! And I can maybe ask if they need any help during the week while I am waiting for school.

It’s gonna be ok. I am a little let down and sad – but I understand – people are panicking. And I do want my kids all safe…

Was just really hard to laugh and talk to them today… look at their faces … and know something I can’t tell them until it’s released – but I won’t see them… they only come on Mondays and Wednesday’s … tmrw I have elementary/middle… and then Wednesday no school.

That was a hard day.

So ok… I have some time off to breathe for a minute … I’ve been going going going and working constantly … so ok… now I suddenly feel halted. I was so full steam… and then nope …

So ok… whew… I don’t know if it’s not totally sinking in or I am numb now? I do feel panic… but not overwhelmingly? I just feel like was another punch to the stomach?

But I’ll get through it.

When one door closes, another one opens right? I am just little heartbroken to lose my kids… I really love those kids!!

I got that job one month after a major cancer surgery… none of them knew – and I was broken and sad but I never showed that… these kids lit my life up… I never expected to become so incredibly attached or have them do the same with me…

While I may have made an impact on some of them… what they don’t know is that THEY made a huge impact on me too!!!

Maybe will be fast? And we be back quick? But I don’t have much hope in that? Cause it’s getting worse right?

I heard Italy completely locked up and shut down … and here is spreading fast too.

I am not sure how I feel… is this as dangerous as everyone’s panic makes it feel? Or is it just people over panicking on something like the flu? How dangerous is this?

But again… no vaccine and no preventative meds yet. So I get the danger somewhat… I just don’t know how truly dangerous this is? To shut down our schools – is pretty scary. They don’t normally do this.

So now I will take some time to figure out what to do. I think I’ll be ok… I’m a fighter – I never thought I was a fighter.

I am definitely more of a lover because I hate to fight. But I feel like I have to fight everything lately.

Ok so life wants to toughen me up – got it 🤨

God – I am gonna be so strong after all this!!! 💪 whew … so alright. Taking time to think through. It’s gonna be ok.

So I just lost my job until further notice – my last day is tmrw.

Ok. I will be fine.. I just need to think.

Fricken Coronavirus!! Really?!

And I wasn’t allowed to say anything yet to my high schoolers … I wanted to hug them all … and say goodbye until I see you again – I feel like I just lost all my kids.

They have no idea yet… has not been announced.

I am gonna miss them and this job which I need

Not panicking at moment – hasn’t sunk in yet … so in a little while I MAY panic?

Ok have to go… back later